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RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 7:18:47 PM

TabithaJordan

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friends wont steer you wrong and will be by your side to help you thru things, not mess them up for you

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RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 9:24:58 PM

heartcream

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Your friend may not realize what she is doing. I know myself I have said things that I ought not to have said from time to time. I didnt do it to be an arse, I did it because I didnt know any better really. I felt bad when it was brought to my attention and I learned the hard way sometimes. I would say, if you have love for this girl and dont want to lose her as a friend, talk to her and explain you dont want her to make any innuendo's at all. Tell her exactly that you cannot handle that. She may get it and you can continue to let her into your inner circle. As Jefff said you may have outgrown her which does happen between people. Your guts will tell you. If you feel yourself wanting to move her back from you, it may be time to allow that to happen.

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RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 9:52:09 PM

fgw3master

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(Fast Reply)

Maybe she just likes to freely comment about interesting things in her life and does not think sexual matters are things that need to be kept hidden.

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RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 10:11:39 PM

LadyLolly

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Sounds more like a bad case of diarreah of the mouth is all. In her mind = out her mouth.

Perhaps a simple request to put a cork in it.......

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RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 11:34:37 PM

MasterFireMaam

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She's not asking your consent about outing you in a way in which your comfortable.

For whatever reasons, when she physically talks about it with others, you seem ok, but when she writes it in her journal, you're not. Is it because you don't know the entire audience? Or that people you don't know might figure it out? Or maybe because the post isn't locked and so the whole world can read it?

Just trying to help you sort.

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RE: Boundries - 2/20/2008 6:33:00 AM

camille65

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Omega my first thought was 'does your friend even know that this upsets you'? It is very possible she doesn't, especially if you have never brought up how it bothers you. If you've stayed silent then it gives tacit permission to continue. She may have no idea how much this effects you because you share so much with her. If you've told her, tell her again and say it is a matter that is personal between the two of you and if she cannot keep it to herself then you've no choice but to censor your conversation with her.

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RE: Boundries - 2/20/2008 7:09:29 AM

OmegaG

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quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

Omega my first thought was 'does your friend even know that this upsets you'? It is very possible she doesn't, especially if you have never brought up how it bothers you. If you've stayed silent then it gives tacit permission to continue. She may have no idea how much this effects you because you share so much with her. If you've told her, tell her again and say it is a matter that is personal between the two of you and if she cannot keep it to herself then you've no choice but to censor your conversation with her.

She knows that I am closed mouthed about my private life. The comment she made about the "BF Dom who whips her" was pure conjecture, she doesn't know for sure what goes on between up because I've told her my private life is, well, private. She knows of my relationship dynamic and has built from there.

I suspect that when I am done mulling, I will cut her loose.

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RE: Boundries - 2/20/2008 7:10:46 AM

camille65

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I know it's hard to cut a long time friend loose but sometimes a person just has to do it.

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RE: Boundries - 2/20/2008 7:36:21 AM

Kana

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Ok just a thought.
I am always about getting out of the problem and into the solution first, then I go back and look at future measures to be taken.
Have you talked to her about this? The very first thing I would ask her to do is edit you out of her blog.
Yeah, I know the damage has been done but it could prevent further damage.
If she says she won't, then you don't have a friend anymore, its that simple.
If she does, then maybe you should sit down and talk about these things and the need for friends to guard each others privacy.
With that said, I am very careful about what I say and to whom.
I watch the people in my life really closely and I file things away about them.
When I have a friend who engages in gossip, I don't tell them anything ever that can be held against me. Matter of fact I won't usually take a strong stance on something controversial around them if its something I would rather keep private.
I presume the majority of people are not going to keep confidences.
I am not arrogant enough to think I am the exception to the rule.
People talk about each other all the time, its the way most people are.They don't mean harm by it, but there it is.
What I mean is I am aware of the srengths and weaknesses of those around me. I pick my confidants carefully.
Some of the people I like best as people I wouldn't tell them anything I didn't care for the world to hear, its just the way they are.
Others whom I am not so close too, I can tell anything and know it will go nowhere.
So in the end, its on me.
If I share something with someone I know is unreliable, the fault is mine, not theirs. Does this excuse them? Not a bit.
But the responsibility rests on my shoulders for expecting the person to be that which they are not.
Me, I pick and choose really carefully, and if they don't like it, shrugs, they can pound sand.

< Message edited by Kana -- 2/20/2008 7:38:12 AM >

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RE: Boundries - 2/20/2008 7:49:09 AM

BlackPhx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

I suspect that when I am done mulling, I will cut her loose.

Sounds like you may have to Omega, but do know that cutting her loose is probably not going to stop the problem and may make it worse. It sounds very much as if she is both scandalized and envious of your freedom to be who you are, and as if through trying to tell you of her exploits she is trying to get you to validate her or perhaps even to tell her what she is looking for. She is looking for something at least from what you have said and I suspect it may be what you have already found, but she doesn't have the courage to reach for.

She doesn't sound so much like a gossiping flit as a very unhappy and confused person trying to impress those around her

poenkitten

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RE: Boundries - 2/20/2008 8:05:07 AM

OmegaG

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackPhx

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

I suspect that when I am done mulling, I will cut her loose.

Sounds like you may have to Omega, but do know that cutting her loose is probably not going to stop the problem and may make it worse. It sounds very much as if she is both scandalized and envious of your freedom to be who you are, and as if through trying to tell you of her exploits she is trying to get you to validate her or perhaps even to tell her what she is looking for. She is looking for something at least from what you have said and I suspect it may be what you have already found, but she doesn't have the courage to reach for.

She doesn't sound so much like a gossiping flit as a very unhappy and confused person trying to impress those around her

poenkitten

Those are good thoughts and I suspect you are at least partially right. She's said before that she's envious that I found my niche and am happy, she has alot of insecurities and as a 40-something never married she's also dealing with her percieved defectiveness of not following the social expecations of our culture, something I don't struggle with as I decided long ago that social expecations weren't my cup of tea.

The thing is that if I choose to keep her for a friend a have to tread lighly as she takes suggestions for change as a personal insult to every fiber of her being. If I decide to cut her loose then she will talk smack as she takes rejection very badly.

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RE: Boundries - 2/20/2008 8:31:40 AM

DesFIP

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Ask her politely not to mention your private life anymore as well as removing the comment immediately. And don't talk to her about it at all in the future. If she asks, just say your relationship is going great and you hope hers is also. Don't answer any intimate questions and turn the conversation back on her.

Should she ask why you no longer share that part of your life with her, just look her straight in the eye for a long moment and then change the subject. She either will recognize that having betrayed your trust once is what caused this, or else she's too clueless. The truth is that if she has to ask, then you know she isn't trustworthy. If she doesn't ask, she'll know she lost the right to know about this part of your life and will have to wait for you to decide if and when you want to share.

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RE: Boundries - 2/20/2008 8:33:48 AM

OmegaG

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Ask her politely not to mention your private life anymore as well as removing the comment immediately. And don't talk to her about it at all in the future. If she asks, just say your relationship is going great and you hope hers is also. Don't answer any intimate questions and turn the conversation back on her.

Should she ask why you no longer share that part of your life with her, just look her straight in the eye for a long moment and then change the subject. She either will recognize that having betrayed your trust once is what caused this, or else she's too clueless. The truth is that if she has to ask, then you know she isn't trustworthy. If she doesn't ask, she'll know she lost the right to know about this part of your life and will have to wait for you to decide if and when you want to share.

Good ideas, I'll throw them into the soup, thanks.

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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
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RE: Boundries - 2/20/2008 5:39:55 PM

faithfulfemme

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Long term friends are valuable in this life, as it's nice to know those who are familiar with us and accept us on our terms. This kind of friendship doesn't come along every day. You don't mention how long you've known your friend, other than a "long time", but i would guess that it might be difficult for you to just dispatch her to the "people i used to know" file, having known her for so long and, presumedly, enjoyed her company.

However.....she has made you feel uncomfortable by her actions. What if you were to sit down with her, open up to her about your discomfort and then politely putting some boundaries in place, making it clear to her that she musn't cross these lines? This could wind up being the only thing needed to bring this situation more into line with what would make you less unhappy, yes? Certainly a very good first step when compared to the alternative.

Then, of course, if she doesn't respect your wishes, you're still left with the dilemma of what to do. This is where you might have to begin weighing the pros and cons of her friendship, balanced against what makes you easy with it.

i also would suggest that it would be best, if she doesn't adhere to your boundaries, to not make a huge drama of it, as whether you're friends with her or not, she can blog what she wants. Best to have her "blog" when the two of you are on some measure of good terms......

Oh, and btw, i don't think your inital reaction was a knee-jerk one....

Good luck with this........

< Message edited by faithfulfemme -- 2/20/2008 5:41:43 PM >

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RE: Boundries - 3/1/2008 8:31:33 AM

Tapestry

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This friend sounds lie a drama queen, and if there isn't enough drama in her own life, and she isn't able to manufacture her own drama, she'll make do with yours.
Short answer is to stop telling her anything you don't want her to repeat.
That may sound harsh, but there is one unchangeable tenet when it comes to people:
We cannot change anyone else.
Period.
Ask her to keep your secrets, but know that she will be who she is, and will say what she wants to say.
So the best and safest measure is to keep your private life private.
my 2 cents, ymmv

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