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RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 1:34:50 PM

Belladonna30

Posts: 43
Joined: 1/18/2008
Status: offline

i want to first thank everyone so far for the input.

i am not a fool and i know that i have this grey matter between my ears to use. He claims He has been working really hard at not lying to me. i have caught Him in small lies and fibs and even a few out right lies since the last blow out W/e had about this topic. This is not the first time obviously. W/e have only been living together for 4 months and i cant imagine living like this long term, i refuse to fear someone whom i am supposed to love and adore and give myself to wholey. i wish i didnt love Him as much as i do. i really hate this and i am sorry for dragging all of you great people into it but i needed a place to vent and get some type of validation i guess.

~bella~

< Message edited by Belladonna30 -- 2/19/2008 1:45:20 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 21

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 1:39:33 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

This is a terrible place to come for validation. None of us know you so we can only give generalized answers. Seems to me you know what you want to do next. Just make sure you sign the lease before you tell him you are moving

Jeff

(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 22

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 2:25:05 PM

BoundDown

Posts: 76
Joined: 11/25/2007
Status: offline

Let me ask you this ... what would your advice be to your best friend if this was someone elses situation?

Just from the short time you have been here, it has been nothing but issues concerning his lies. From my own experience, you can not change anyone, you can not help them see the error of their ways, nor can you help them evolve into the person you want them to be.

Sometimes love is just not enough of a reason to go against your better judgement.

(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 23

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 2:33:18 PM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline

if i'm not mistaken...dude lives with her, in her home.
belladonna...you keep saying you wish you didn't love him so(we've all been there). But ask yourself...do you love the real him, or the him he projects through using lies? If you love him, in spite of the lies...i can imagine it's hell for you, but after examining things a bit...if you only love the false version of him...hopefully things are easier for you to decide.

< Message edited by lronitulstahp -- 2/19/2008 2:36:10 PM >

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 24

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 3:21:04 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

I've been there and done that. When someone lies about even basic things about themselves establishing a relationship with them is impossible. You never know what is truth and what is fiction. You never know whether who you believe they are is in fact who they are. The suggestion to "help them" ignores the fact that if it's lying only the for sake of lying, you have no idea what to help or not help. The person I knew that had this problem was and still is one of the nicest people I know, but that doesn't change the fact that there's no way to have any chance of success in a relationship with him.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 25

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 3:24:39 PM

lexi24

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/28/2008
Status: offline

Okay so like everyone else has said the relationship is not healthy and cannot become healthy if he continues to lie. It really boils down to how badly do you want to be hurt.

My farther is a complusive lier, he lies about everything from the date i was born to the food he ate that morning. I dealt with it for years because he is my father and i had no choice. Now that i am an adult i haven't talked to him in about 8 years he has no part of my life anymore and never will again and this is a guy with blood relations. The point is if you can't trust someone than they should not have any part of your life.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you do what is best for you.

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 26

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 5:55:13 PM

SubbieOnWheels

Posts: 590
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna30

i want to first thank everyone so far for the input.

i am not a fool and i know that i have this grey matter between my ears to use. He claims He has been working really hard at not lying to me. i have caught Him in small lies and fibs and even a few out right lies since the last blow out W/e had about this topic. This is not the first time obviously. W/e have only been living together for 4 months and i cant imagine living like this long term, i refuse to fear someone whom i am supposed to love and adore and give myself to wholey. i wish i didnt love Him as much as i do. i really hate this and i am sorry for dragging all of you great people into it but i needed a place to vent and get some type of validation i guess.

~bella~

I used to work for a man who lied just to keep in practice. Seriously, he would lie about stuff where he would have been better off telling the truth. I quit, finally, when he asked me to lie for him.

I've had friends whose (vanilla) husbands wouldn't have known the truth if it came up and whupped them in the ass. The women kept making excuses; the men kept promising to change; the marriages kept going downhill; and finally they were over, only now there were young'uns in the mix.

If the three strikes have been used up this early in the relationship, then I'd say the ballgame is over.

_____________________________

Bethical
Beat me, strike me, take away my reindeer! I'll never tell! -- Walt Kelly, Pogo Possum
I yam what I yam - Popeye

http://www.myspace.com/bethical_wheels

(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 27

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 6:15:38 PM

IronOre

Posts: 24
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline

I agree, ballgame is over. You can't change someone else, they can only change themselves. The problem with habitual liars though is, they are lying to you when they tell you they will change, and they are lying to themselves when they tell themselves they will change. You can't have a real relationship with a liar. I have a brother that does it. I will share pleasantries with him but there is nothing else because neither he nor I really know who he is.

_____________________________

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil: For this is My valley.

(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 28

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 6:18:24 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

What would you do if this were a boyfriend or otherwise vanilla man in your life? Having these kind of relationships doesn't mean you leave your common senseand other gut guides at the door.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 29

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 6:33:51 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I look at the five stages - intention, decision, execution, acceptance and effect. Unless its the hypocritical liar or two-faced liar. It comes down to intention.

I'm normally a warm person. But I can read people, and lies and deception are two of the things I pick up on very quickly (other people's, not my own to myself, but I'm working on that). I can get rather chilly when I'm lied to, frost starts developing around my heart and feelings, snow falls, and it can settle. Things die in the snow, and so do my feelings.

Trust and acceptance are the cornerstones of any human relationship. Compromise these and you compromise the relationship.

_____________________________

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also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
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(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 30

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 7:09:07 PM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna30

i want to first thank everyone so far for the input.

i am not a fool and i know that i have this grey matter between my ears to use. He claims He has been working really hard at not lying to me. i have caught Him in small lies and fibs and even a few out right lies since the last blow out W/e had about this topic. This is not the first time obviously. W/e have only been living together for 4 months and i cant imagine living like this long term, i refuse to fear someone whom i am supposed to love and adore and give myself to wholey. i wish i didnt love Him as much as i do. i really hate this and i am sorry for dragging all of you great people into it but i needed a place to vent and get some type of validation i guess.

~bella~

Bella
you already have the answer that is right for you ...
see your own words above..

We teach people how to treat us. You cannot stop him from lying, but you can stop yourself from being lied to..

I wish you clarity and strength...to do what is right for you.

Cyndi

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 31

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 7:17:37 PM

TabithaJordan

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline

Trust is #1 in any relationship, once its broken, it cant be fixed....even if the other party tries, you will always wonder if they are lying even when they are being truthful...good luck

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~~If at first you don't succeed, try something new!~~ Don't be shy, stop by my page and say hello, Darling!

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 32

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 8:03:53 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

When they lie, lie, lie....they are gone, gone, gone.

The question is, "Why would you stay with someone that is lying to you and
lies, lies, lies?"

You must have some self esteem issues, and you are a beautiful woman that
deserves someone MUCH better.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 33

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 8:45:41 PM

shysub0951

Posts: 132
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline

Lie twice and don't talk to me again

(in reply to Belladonna30)

Post #: 34

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/19/2008 9:28:00 PM

PrincessDonna

Posts: 189
Joined: 7/7/2006
Status: offline

Figure out what you are going to do before you are scarred from this.Are you afraid to ask him to lieave where you live? Im just curious about the details of the hard spot you are in,it seems when you confront him he promices to do better then reverts to old ways when your calmed down. Im hoping that you dont get scarred or that you become someone that you dont want to be because of this one persons actions.Good Luck

(in reply to shysub0951)

Post #: 35

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/20/2008 3:35:02 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

He lied to you more tha once. you love him but you cannot trust him. I think the best thing for you to do is cut your losses, i know from over here that is easy to say. You don't deserve to live like tha no one does you deserve better.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to PrincessDonna)

Post #: 36

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/20/2008 8:06:35 PM

Mastersplitlicke

Posts: 19
Joined: 2/7/2008
Status: offline

From my experience your relationship is finished already.. you will never believe any thing he tells you again.

I am sorry though
God i hate liers

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 37

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/21/2008 12:43:38 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

~~fast reply~~

my first husband lied. he lied from day one. when our daughter was a year old, and his parents came to visit for her first birthday, his dad told me "he is a liar and will not change." i wasnt ready to hear it then, and was upset and told my now-ex...and he used that as an excuse to be angry at me and at his parents.

he lied about so many things...his jobs before he was in the navy, what he did in the navy, why he quit 21 jobs in 1985, what he was actually doing when he was arrested with that transvestite hooker, how many relatives he "killed off" trying to get a couple of paid days off at work....10 year of marriage did a lot of lying and damage to my self esteem.

i couldnt live like that ever again from his lying. and that doesnt even begin to cover the fact that he was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive to me. lying to me is now a very hard limit.

kitten, thoughtfully

(in reply to Mastersplitlicke)

Post #: 38

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/21/2008 1:06:13 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Y'know.. .I can take a lot. An awful lot. And I'll even accept a lie or two providing that we work through whatever problems the lie has caused and are able to rebuild. I'm a great one for second chances... and third chances.

There have been times in different relationships where I've EVEN convinced myself of the reasons I was involved with someone who had proven himself to lie within a given set of circumstances, and was fine with that...

But when the lies became non-stop; when the lies began to encompass all parts of that person's life with no rhyme or reason for them... then I knew we'd moved beyond the workable stage and there wasn't a whole bunch left other than to maintain my integrity and move on.

But that's so darn easy to say. Doing is another thing altogether.

The thing I try to remember is a lesson learned from my ex. I was struggling to keep my family together and always thought I was doing the right thing. Keeping my family together was the single most important thing to me. I couldn't understand why he didn't understand what I was doing and why he kept treating me worse and worse as time went on. Finally, I couldn't do it anymore.

On the day we got divorced, as we left the courthouse, I came right out and asked him. "All those times I could have left and didn't... I thought I was doing the right thing for us and for our family. And all that time, you didn't see it that way at all, did you?"

His response was enlightening. He said, "No. You may have been doing this for our family, and maybe I should have seen it that way, but I just always wondered why you didn't respect yourself more. And if you didn't, then why should I?"

Of course, the strangest thing about all this is that by divorcing him, I regained his respect, and through that, his interest, but by that time, I couldn't trust him at all. And he's proven to me that just because I see things one way, doesn't mean he understands it from that same perspective. He worked hard to get me to come back. And while it was really enticing, and even harder being away from him, I just remembered that buying into his lies were what caused him to not respect me and me not to respect me, and I stayed away.

But I do know how hard it is to walk away. Sometimes though, if you want to respect yourself, you just have to do it.

I wish you well.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 2/21/2008 1:17:24 AM >

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 39

RE: He lied and i want out, i think... - 2/21/2008 1:19:49 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Well, I lived with a compulsive liar for 3 years. For the first entire year she lied about something really big... and it wasn't until I started finding discrepancies that I realized it was a big fat hairy, elephant lie. Well, I told her I loved her and if she ever lied to me again, I would leave. She didn't want me to leave, so she agreed to every one of my demands - therapy, get a hobby, go to some kind of 12 step group (one day at a time no lying), quit school and get a job (because she was dependent on her parents that she lied to about our lesbian relationship). And NEVER ever lie again.

It was like her life fell apart. The lies were the center that held everything together and when she stopped lying, she had no glue anymore. Well, she did everything I told her to do. One time I thought she was lying again, and she proved that she wasn't. And she never lied to me again... I checked on her like a hawk for months... and watched her grieve and face her fears and the reasons behind her lies and her deepest heartaches.... And she grew and grew.

And you know, she is a beautiful woman. We did break up later, but I know that she found the good woman that I had fallen in love with. She was and is a kind and caring person. Would I do it again? Hell no. But at that time, in that place, it was the right thing to do.

We all choose what level of truth we will live with at any given time.

Me? I have a hard time being open with people in the beginning.. Is it lying? Some would say it is. But I say it is building trust. I don't lie, but I do choose to keep certain things private.

Only you can decide what you need. Put your truth out there. And then see what comes back. If it is not what you want, then act with your conscience. The world is not black and white. But neither should you live with fear and pain.

peace.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 40

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