A question on Dominance

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submissive33 -> A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 6:58:31 AM)
Hello Everyone, To me it seems all Dominant Women are Dominant by nature and They knew They were Dominant while growing up. So here are some questions i have: Can a Woman who is not Dominant by nature, be introduced into this Lifestyle and become a Female Dominant or do other variables play into this? And if so, how should She be introduced? The reason i ask is because i am in a relationship and would like to openly discuss this Lifestyle with Her and i would like to know if there have been cases where a Woman who is introduced into this Lifestyle would want to take part in it even if they are not Dominant. Thank You for reading Your adive and experiences are greatly appreciated

Mustardseed -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 7:22:33 AM)
Talk to her about it realistically. Ask her if she ever has any dominant fantasies. Get her to think about points in her life where she's been dominant (as a child? at work?) and see if she understands why this doesn't translate well into her active sex and daily life. Find out what sorts of deferment she finds acceptable? Southern-gentleman style? Courtly love? Man in thrall of her? Does she like romantic movies? If so, what do the lead males do that makes it pleasant for her? Treat her better than you already do. If she's uncomfortable with you being "all weird and submissive" then simply be more polite, more attentive, more considerate of her needs. If she likes Indian food, you don't and thus you avoid Indian restaurants, start going to buffets that feature Indian food and sample stuff so that you can find acceptable dishes. Without being goal-oriented (sulking, nagging, stopping the activity when the goal obviously isn't going to be met), see if you can get her to orgasm (more) during sex, ejaculate (more), react to erogenous zones you two probably didn't think she had -- basically, worship her body as much as she'll allow. Learn her the way that a submissive should learn a Domme. There were recently a ton of books on the market like "150 Questions You Should Ask Before You Marry." For those who believe that a collared D/s relationship is parallel to a marriage, checking books like this out from the library and playing Questions with her periodically could be crucial. How important is it that you fuss over her birthday? Valentine's Day? Christmas? If so, how should you? Stuff like that: go data mining and start serving her desires. After about a year of this, tell her what you fantasize about, the points where you've been submissive (as a child? at work?) and see if she understands how you want this to translate better into your active sex and daily life. If she continues to be uninterested in the sort of dominance that you originally hoped she'd get into, determine if you can be happy serving her as you've built up to over the past year. Good luck!

MsIncontrol -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 7:29:16 AM)
I think there are some who are naturally dominant, some who learn to be dominant and some who are not dominant but will still dominate. Yes, I think you can turn your girlfriend into someone who is willing to dominate you, but it is all going to be in the approach. If you start with the sexual kinky stuff or by buying her an outfit or something of the like...you will probably get shot down fast. Start slowly by being VERY attentive, do things for her that make her life easier without her having to ask, defer to her preference. It makes me happy to make you happy...where would you like to eat, what movie would you like to go to, etc. Once she feels secure in the relationship and making more of the decisions...see how she handles it. Then and only then....can you start doing submissive things sexually...and don't start by buying her a leather outfit. Start by making sure she is ALWAYS pleased first....tell her how much you love to please her...and then you can tell her your deep desires. If she is receptive, allow her to go at her own pace...give her resources in which to find information, do not try to tell her how to do it. Remember, many vanilla people associate BDSM with serial killers, pedophiles and pornographers...because that is what makes the news. The millions of us who practice this behind closed doors don't make the news. Do be prepared for a negative reaction. There was a post a few months ago started by Aakasha about this very topic and I thought it was very good. I have no idea how to tell you to find it but search around and see if you can find it.

submissive33 -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 7:30:12 AM)
Thank You so much that was very helpful...

thetammyjo -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 7:38:11 AM)
I think that anyone can learn to top. I've known very good slaves, my own included, who make excellent tops because they have skills, learn the activities, and have empathy -- they just don't feel dominant and often are mostly motivated by the desire to please the bottom first and foremost. Some people grew up with one set of expectations and may not have realized that they had dominant feelings -- those you can help discover the feelings through positive feedback and perhaps some refusal to let them fall back into traditional roles.

Dnomyar -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 7:48:38 AM)
Can you turn your girlfriend into a Domme. NO. If it is not in her nature back off or risk losing her.

ShaktiSama -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 8:08:29 AM)
shrug The answer to this question would be completely individual, obviously. If a woman is naturally dominant, or even capacle of being a good top--sure, maybe you can bring that out over time, especially if you're consistently and sincerely submissive toward her. But I am suspicious of people who want "relationships" with another human being which are founded from the very outset in the need to do an Extreme Makeover on another human being's sexuality. The "Pygmalion" school of love is [:'(]. Good "relationships", in my opinion, are not about turning another person into a vehicle to meet your needs. I would ask yourself whether this woman really does have any visible dominant tendencies which she might subconsciously express through her body language, her dress or the way she talks. Perhaps you are attracted to some part of herself that she hasn't been encouraged to express. If not--and you're really just projecting your needs onto her, when she is a naturally vanilla or even submissive woman--don't expect this to go well. Even if she cares enough for you to go along with it for a while, if a woman is not really able to enjoy dominating you she will always regard it as a chore. D/S has to be mutually enjoyed by people in roles that suit them--otherwise the debts rack up VERY fast. Just FYI. The Elise Sutton school of "female dominance = men teaching women to to fulfill their needs" doesn't always fly.

AtlantaMistress -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 8:46:06 AM)
I do believe that the best Dommes are naturally Dominant. I did not learn about BDSM until my mid 30's, but looking back, not only was I naturally Dominant, but I come by it genetically - from a long line of "stubborn bitches" as we jokingly would refer to the line of women in my family tree on my mothers side (going back to my mother's mother's mother!)I recently introduced my mother to D/s - and at 60 - she now has a profile on CM and is interviewing subs - and is having a blast, and feels very natural in the role. My 2 girls already show signs of Dominance - I call them "Goddesses in training" [;)] That said, I have actually been hired, twice, to coach couples where the man knew he was submissive, and his wife/girlfriend was open to trying to be Dominant - but it wasn't working - since in both cases were very similar, the women weren't naturally Dominant. If she is getting basically topped from the bottom, with the man telling her what his fantasies are, then role playing them out - it is hard for her to truly feel the "high" of Dominance that I know I get. I would talk to the man, then brainstorm with his Lady - throwing out ideas that she didn't know came from me or him - then coaching during a session - showing her about certain play activities, and reminding her (while he may be blindfolded so not to know about our communication) things we may have discussed before in preparing ideas for our session. In both cases, by her feeling she was really taking control - rather than just doing what he told her he wanted, the women started finding their own confidence and brought out much more of a Dominant side. Based on these experiences, my advice would be to talk to her - if she is open to it, go to Munches and out to clubs where she can see play scenes, meet people, and find a Pro Domme (even let her choose) that she is comfortable with, and get a few coaching sessions to help her. Good luck!

LadyHibiscus -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 8:47:56 AM)
What Shakti said.

undergroundsea -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 9:10:37 AM)
I think dominance in BDSM and dominance in personality are two independent traits. One does not have to have an all around dominant nature to enjoy dominance in BDSM. I think an interest in BDSM has a nature and nurture component. The nurture component represents stimuli that might create an interest in BDSM, and the nature component represents the individual propensity (which can be genetic) to respond to such stimuli. I know of women who did not have any interest in BDSM until introduced to it and then took off on it. And there are cases where it did not work. I think references to films or mainstream media that has BDSM overtones can be a good way to casually test the waters in conversation. As for exploring, baby steps are best that give one time and a comfort zone to settle in. Cheers, Sea

MistressTaboo -> RE: A question on Dominance (2/21/2008 12:02:46 PM)
It also depends on how she was raised...I am naturally very dominant...but I was raised to be meek and quiet. Be ladylike and soft. Never question my husband's wisdom and all that....My vanilla marriage didn't work because I couldn't submit...it wasn't in my nature...and I couldn't express who I was... I discovered the BDSM world after my divorce and it took YEARS of mental training and the love a trusting man who saw more in me than I did to except myself for who I was and allow me to be that person...Society has a habit of calling an assertive woman a bitch...not all women like being called that...it goes against our up bringing... There are several good sites for helping you seduce her dominate side…and the biggest thing I would say is don’t rush it…don’t come at her with a laundry list of fantasies. Nothing turns a woman off like a man who goes Oh you didn’t run away…well good…cause I want you to do these million things to me!

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