RE: HELP! Advice needed!

RE: HELP! Advice needed! (Full Version)

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kc692 -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 10:32:36 AM)
He'd best be sure he's right, since apparently neither domme knows, and not just hearing bullshit because he's "investigating" the guy. There is no reason to put three people in turmoil, and I gotta admit, with his motives, I don't know if I was the domme if I would even believe what he told me anyway just because of that. Karma is a bitch especially if he is wrong.

CalifChick -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 10:50:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan If ANYTHING has to be stated at all, surely it's with the person who is being deceitful? Miss M, this is one of those things where I wish there was just one "good" answer. Unfortunately I don't think "good" enters the equation. When I stick to hypothetical, my opinion is one way. But when I think about reality, about someone that has been in my life, like my ex-husband, I wish I had known the truth a couple of years before I discovered the truth. So if someone had said to me, "I could be wrong, but I thought I saw/heard/witnessed/whatever...", well my reality says that would have been a good thing for me. Financially I took some huge hits from his activities, that I didn't know about until later, and yeah, it would have been nice to have avoided all that (and that was only one aspect of it). Cali

ottRopesandKnots -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 10:55:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick If any of my friends knew, and didn't tell me, they wouldn't be my friend anymore. Isn't that the best line I've heard today?

ottRopesandKnots -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 11:01:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Equalizer700 The question: What do I do that has the best chance of leaving me in a good position to reunite with my old friend/sub/Domme? Sadly, as much as I think she should know, the question you pose is THE WRONG ONE. You're being a shitty friend if your main motivation is to get her back. Your question should be, "How do I tell her and support her best interests"? Something most of the people harrassing you have failed to realize though, if you let it run its course she will come back to you. When she finds out ON HER OWN that this guy isn't being honest with her, she'll come back to cry on your shoulder. If you just wait odds are good you'll still get her back. You're still being a shitty friend, please learn to be a better one.

Equalizer700 -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 11:05:42 AM)
The reality is I found out about this purely by accident, and there is no doubt it is true. I don't know if my ex-friend knows about the other Domme or not, but if she does she is a very good liar since she says her motivation is a one-on-one relationship. I am sure our sexual relationship is over, but we could be friends if we can set the boundaries. I have asked her to think about the boundaries, and posed a bunch of hypothetical questions to her, including questions about whether she wants me giving advice, telling things I know, etc. We'll see what she thinks.

xxblushesxx -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 11:09:38 AM)
Hello Equalizer; I'm glad you're back. I posted this a while back in this thread, and I'm curious as to the answers to it. Thanks in advance! "Yes, I'm curious about the wife as well. I'm also wondering that if as he has stated, she knows all about this relationship, how will she feel when he takes up with someone else? He's already got an ad up on his account. She may find a big difference between a long-term friend/relationship, and him going out to find another..." ~Christina

Equalizer700 -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 11:09:45 AM)
Would it really be right to just let this happen to her? She's falling hard for this guy. Rebound I guess. Or his eyes :-)

Equalizer700 -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 11:13:06 AM)
xxblushes, didn't know that question was for me. I think my wife would feel the same way about a new one. Maybe even better, since a new on isn't a possible threat like a long-term one might be. I'll ask her.

xxblushesxx -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 11:19:21 AM)
Hmmm... I would prefer to be asked before you placed the ad. If mine placed that ad without consulting with me it would look something like this: [sm=argue.gif][sm=argue.gif][sm=paddle.gif][sm=whap.gif][sm=sodoff.gif][sm=river.gif] ~Christina

Equalizer700 -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 11:30:01 AM)
She knows about the ad and the situation but we have never discussed what a new sub might mean. She has said she is sorry to see what happened with my friend. Do you not get some people have relationships that are open to others? I don't approve her ads, she doesn't approve mine...we trust each other.

breatheasone -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 11:41:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum quote: ORIGINAL: Equalizer700 Velvet, I agree entirely with your assessment, except that she is my best and only friend. Thank you. Your not friends with your wife??? BadOne EXCELLENT point!

Equalizer700 -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 11:49:02 AM)
Of course I'm friends with my wife, and my kids, and my parents, and my siblings. But we don't discuss everything...I would never talk to my brother about my wife for instance, but I would talk to my friend. Perhaps I should have said 'except for family'.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 12:10:02 PM)
Manupulating the situation and people in order to get what you want is probably not the best of intentions behind doing what you might do. Telling her because you care and letting her handling it would be the best positive intent behind it, if you decided to go that route. But, often what happens isn't a friend being happy to hear such things but the friend rebels against you and continues to do so even after seeing that you are correct. My personal opinions: You're wanting to tell her for all the wrong reasons. You want her to be really hurt by the guy so that she will come back to you needing comfort and sorry she ever left. In other words, you want to punish her. That means this really isn't about HER, it's about YOU. Unless you can truly guarentee that you're doing it for non-egoic reasons, I advise leaving well enough alone. Master Fire

DesFIP -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 12:13:23 PM)
Telling her will do nothing but end your friendship. You aren't going to get her back as your sub because she no longer feels submissive. The most I would do would very casually mention, right after she mentions his name, is say you thought a guy with that name is collared to Domme B, but obviously you misheard. Then if she feels like checking it out, she can.

xxblushesxx -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 12:15:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Equalizer700 She knows about the ad and the situation but we have never discussed what a new sub might mean. She has said she is sorry to see what happened with my friend. Do you not get some people have relationships that are open to others? I don't approve her ads, she doesn't approve mine...we trust each other. There are many poly people here who are very happy. Unfortunately, I must have missed the part in the thread where you said she was aware of this situation and approved of it. Hence my replies. ~Christina

SailingBum -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 1:00:28 PM)
Anything that you would say to you ex girl to my mind would come across as sour grapes. So I would not lend any credence to what you may have to say about my current lover. BadOne

Reflectivesoul -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 1:23:27 PM)
E, A couple questions... How did you find out about this guy? ( I'm assuming here that she told you who he was, but I'm wondering how you came to find out that he was being dishonest) Aparently you and your friend are still working on redefining your relationship going from a sexual relationship to now a friendship, if this is all that you can have from her are you willing to accept that? After 10 years you no doubt know this woman very intimately and you dont want to see her get hurt, used, treated badly. If it were me I would tell her, it would hurt more for me to find out that my friend knew and didnt tell me than it would for a new relationship to be broken off. You're on a thin wire here. If you say nothing you run the risk of her finding out eventually that you knew and didnt tell her, if you continue to be her friend you will feel guilty for not telling her, if you do tell her she may resent you for a while and think that you are only trying to hurt her for breaking off one part of your relationship. In the end if you do tell her and even if she is mad for a while, she will eventually thank you for telling her. Again I would tell her, I wouldnt rub it in I wouldnt goad her to do something about it, I would sit her down and tell her that she's been a very important part of your life, that you care about her and you want to see the best things in life happen for her, and that you understand that right now you are not the best thing for her within a sexual relationship. Ask her at this point if the new man in her life is in a situation like what you and her had, if he's married or anything else, poke the pot a little bit find out if its possible that she already knows that she isnt this mans one and only. Only and only if she says or implies that she is the only woman in his life.. proceed to tell her. Tell her that while you were talking to ( drop a name here if you found out from someone else, or name how ever you found out about this guy) that her current interest is also seeing someone else ( name drop here as well, who it is that he is involved with). At this point step out of the situation, tell her that you debated over this for a while and that you felt it was only right for you to tell her. After this leave it alone, dont poke the pot, dont ask what she's thinking, let her process it, let her figure out what if anything she wants to do. At this point you have done what you felt was morally right for you to do, what happens from this point is not your decision. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

RCdc -> RE: HELP! Advice needed! (2/22/2008 1:23:27 PM)
Hello Equalizer. This is the.dark. answering here - Unfortunately, some people are going to second guess you, regardless. If you had asked this question without mentioning that you are poly and had not mentioned that you had a relationship with this woman and had simply asked that you best friend, has a submissive who you have found out is cheating on her, you can bet you would get different answers. I am with Cali on this. If I was cheated on, regardless I would want to know and any friend worth their salt would tell me or they aren't my friend. If this comes to a head and she finds out elsewhere and then finds out you knew and didn't tell her? - Will she take her anger out on you? Will she feel you betrayed her? It is harsh you found out accidently and again, I will suggest you not take her back at all, even if she turns to you. That way you keep her trust (even if she may not see it at first) and you keep your integrity. Look for another outside of your existing relationships and simply be her friend. On an aside? I don't believe it is as simple that you cannot 'give her all she needs' - simply that over the years, her needs may have altered and when she thought she could be a submissive to a poly, she now cannot. People do change, and sometimes people fool themselves into believing they can 'deal with it'. In a sense, she let you down - but all the training you assisted with won't be in vain and she can take it with her and pass on what you gave. Don't take that from her or yourself by wanting her back. Many best wishes. the.dark.

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