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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/22/2008 6:02:46 PM

Bearlee

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I agree with TallDevoted1....especially if you have children in whose lives you want to always be involved. Go slow and tread softly!!!

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/22/2008 6:11:04 PM

MistressNoName

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I wasn't going to respond to this, then I changed my mind seeing all the conflicting words of advice here. Ok, so one issue is you're a scaredy-cat. But the other issue is the fact that she's your wife and you know her personality better than anybody on this board. Is she really such a gentle, innocent creature that she won't be able to stand a little straight-forward discussion? I certainly hope not. And what kind of fantasies could you possibly have that would be so horrible to expose to the clear light of day? Personally, I don't go for the subtle, go rent a video approach, unless you approach it from a straight forward position, ie- "Darling, I'd like to talk to you honestly and openly about some feelings I've been having lately and I found this video, this book, this article (whatever) that helps explain what I've been thinking and feeling..." But, the bottom line is don't find any further excuses for why you cannot or should not have that talk with her. And don't underestimate her. She may be thinking along the same lines but perhaps has not yet defined her own thoughts and feelings. And don't underestimate yourself either. It's fine to be afraid or her possible reaction, but don't let fear continue to stand between you and a possibly deeper, more satisfying connection with your partner.

Best,

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/22/2008 7:07:19 PM

herpet1313

Posts: 68
Joined: 9/18/2005
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It might be risky, but I would advise you somehow get her to check out Elise Sutton's web site. (Use her as keyword, you'll find it.) It's not some God awful smutty BDSM site, but merely one that expouses Female Superiority in a real life manner.             Good luck! I wasted too many years denying what I knew to be true and hope you don't do the same.
                                                     Herpet

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Post #: 23

RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/22/2008 7:15:26 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

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Joined: 2/15/2007
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KnightInWaiting

Please, please, please come back to this thread and tell us:

1) what you decided to do
and
2) how it went

Presumably you can have "The Big Talk" with her right now, unless you are going out to buy videos and books for her edification as well.

Your problem gets raised in this board over and over and I am always left wondering - how did that guy go? Whose advice worked?

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/22/2008 8:16:43 PM

Cloudz

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Since you don't seem entirely comfortable with the direct approach...maybe tell her you got into a conversation, or read an article, or whatever works in your world...and simply state that it was about BDSM, and that you were fascinated by how similar that article/conversation whatever was to the life the two of you have. It might be a way to open the door?

Best of luck,

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/23/2008 2:37:23 PM

KnightInWaiting

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Joined: 2/22/2008
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Wow, thank you everybody so much for your replies and input. If I had any idea there would be so many I would have checked back earlier! Also thanks for the suggested reading. I am pretty familiar with the all the titles but afraid to say too chicken to ask her to read any. I'm totally paranoid that she'll not understand.

If I had more time available to me I would get back to each comment individually but for the meantime I picked a few questions / comments to answer... (sorry this post is so long)

quote:

AAkasha

I fear this might be a situation where the OP "fell" for a woman due to her commanding nature, her no-nonsense attitude, her confidence, her enjoyment of being in control, and maybe even a frisky, "bitchy" edge (perhaps). This resonated with his kinky, submissive side, and all along he's been hoping there is a femdom deep down waiting to emerge...

You're absolutely right. My submissive side yes straight away but as for my kinky side, that's only just rearing it's head now. I've never connected my kinky side to my submissive side before, honestly I think my wife's dominant nature triggered the kinky submissive cravings I'm now experiencing.

As for what you finished by saying:

quote:

Unless longterm chastity is your goal, of course.

It's almost scary that you should say that as today I was thinking to myself that I may have to resort to perceiving my situation as a submissive chastised husband... in order to get my "kicks".

quote:

rnox

Start giving her foot/body massages. Carrying shopping bags when u are out. Opening the car door for her. Start taking care for the household work. Start giving her or asking her to take more and more control.

I have started doing all these things and have been for almost 3 months. She enjoys the "new" me (although she's never told me I just know she does), and expects the pampering now. And I'm happy to say that she's never offered to or indeed actually reciprocated any of the pampering or serving, I'm happy to say so she really does expect it from me as if she deserves it but I don't. Again I'm totally happy with that.

quote:

MsCfromMelbourne

I suspect that the way you have sex now is exactly the way she wants it. If she wants to lie there and make you do all the work, thats very dominant. If you only get sex when she initiates, that is too.

That's exactly how our sex is now. And again the way I'm happy for it to be. It's all about her and her pleasure and it's always me doing all the work which I'm pleased to do. I suppose I just need this part of the relationship to be acknowledged as well. And I'd like her to know that we both know it's about her and me pleasing her. The sticking point is that she is dominant and controlling but totally not kinky in the slightest and I'd doubt she'd even understand where I'm coming from if I was to discuss this with her.

quote:

Bearlee

I agree with TallDevoted1....especially if you have children in whose lives you want to always be involved. Go slow and tread softly!!!

We do have a young child which is exactly the reason I'm so hesitant to possibly **** it all up!

quote:

MsCfromMelbourne

Please, please, please come back to this thread and tell us:

1) what you decided to do
and
2) how it went

Presumably you can have "The Big Talk" with her right now, unless you are going out to buy videos and books for her edification as well.

Your problem gets raised in this board over and over and I am always left wondering - how did that guy go? Whose advice worked?

I guess everyone that commented is talking total sense. The problem is me being a chicken so as things stand now we haven't had "The Big Talk" yet

MistressNoName hit the nail on the head by calling me a scaredy-cat - that's true which is why right now I haven't done anything...

Thanks for all your feedback. It really helped me focus on the issue.

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/23/2008 5:46:22 PM

cloudboy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

Your relationship doesn't sound vanilla. By mutual consent she is the boss.

I suspect that the way you have sex now is exactly the way she wants it. If she wants to lie there and make you do all the work, thats very dominant. If you only get sex when she initiates, that is too.

And you guys are happy!!! Any idea how hard it is to be happily married?

But you have discovered the internet, haven't you? And it is saturated with BDSM porn showing all kinds of gorgeous models doing kinky things and websites like collarme where men seem to effortlessly find whip-cracking, latex clad Dominas. Unfair, isn't it?

Suddenly the grass looks greener. You want to change the good thing you already have to get more what? Role Playing games?

I warn you: trying to make your wife behave like a pro-domme and give you "scenes" might be the worst decison of your life. Some fantasies are better off staying as fantasy.

So I would take a very, very subtle approach.

I would just her "Is there anything I can do to spice up our love life for you, darling? You know I find you irresistable, but can I make you happier? I want to be the best lover I can be, because I love you"

See where the conversation goes. If she asks "what do you mean?" you can say things like "oh I read that after several years of marriage, most couples try new things like tying eachother up and spanking and different things like that. Do you have any fantasies you would like us to try?".

Please don't drop the BDSM word. Or Mistress. Or Domination. You know your wife and you know she will look at you like you just grew two heads. And she might ban you from any more surfing of dirty BDSM websites - I would!!!

All marriages face the issue of how to keep your sex life fresh, so its no big deal if you ask subtley. But she's the boss, remember. Let her lead the change.

To put it a tad caustically (as opposed to constructively) the OP sounds pussy-whipped w/o the perks.

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/23/2008 6:10:38 PM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
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LOL.....now, now cloudboy, being pussy whipped (?!) is a very legitimate kink........just not your kink!!

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. I wish more men such as yourself would share what really happened (in the long run) when you had The Big Talk with your own nearest and dearest.

I know my first husband was initially curious, then tolerant, then disgusted, then completely opposed and the battle was on. It took about year from excited BDSM revelation to ugly divorce, but we had no kids, thank goodness.

I am between husbands at the moment

I would probably have just shut up about being a sado-masochist if we had children. I have seen what the Australian child welfare authorities do to families with one or more kinky parents and it is horrific.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 2/23/2008 6:11:43 PM >

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/24/2008 12:38:31 AM

KnightInWaiting

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Pussy-whipped without the perks. That seems to sum up my situation in a nutshell!

MsCfromMelbourne - I will get back and let you know exactly what happens once I've plucked up the courage to have "The Big Talk".

Thanks again.

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/24/2008 12:48:23 PM

cloudboy

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Going backwards from an imperfect marriage is a tricky process. I don't think fools or Angels rush to make dynamic-changing, unexpected, marital revelations.

I was watching a BILLY JEAN KING documentary on HBO. In 1981 (I think) she was married and on top of the tennis world when an ex-lesbian lover filed a frivolous palimony suit against her seeking have half of her earnings over a several year period.

At the time, BJK wasn't even **out** yet. (Growing up she couldn't even talk to her parents about her orientation.)

Then she got pushed out by a greedy, back-stabbing ex-lover.

She survived that ordeal and remained married, but then fell in love with another woman years later which triggered her to ask for a divorce and rearrange her life.

Sometimes one's intentions and orientations are misaligned.

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/25/2008 4:36:57 PM

LPslittleclip

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I'm a submissive and it took me a year to tell my wife now i enjoy my wife and my M'Lady how cool is that. my suggestion is to honestly talk with her and start by telling her your feelings for her and ask that she listen and just understand what your asking don't make her feel as if she has to choose this over that i told mine i love her no matter what the response. she listened and after a couple of days said its OK but she doesn't want to tie me up and beat me. so let her know what it is you want since relationships are based on trust and understanding you have to communicate. happiness to you and yours
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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/25/2008 6:45:46 PM

goodmanners

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Venus on Top ... discussion ... then, if she wants to pursue this, Elise Sutton.

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RE: Wife Led Marriage - 2/27/2008 12:42:22 PM

artofthekneel

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I've thought a great deal in the context of my own marriage and decided against ever bringing it up. It's not that I don't think my wife would be unable to handle the concept. Rather she'd think it was stupid, silly, and ridiculous. The woman just isn't wired that way, and I have no desire to try and manipulate her into becoming something she's not.

Plus, as MsCfromMelbourne said, how could I, a relatively inexperienced submissive in body, if not in mind, expect the move to a wife-led marriage with a D/s dynamic to lead up to my expectations?

I've read countless stories and "testimonials" about guys who tell their wives of their submissive desires, and the next day she's got them locked in a CB-3000, cane welts across the ass, and she's taking lovers home for him to fluff. I tend to greet these tales with more than a bit of skepticism. I think the vast majority of guys who confess this stuff to their wives wind up denied, and having their admissions thrown back in their faces during any future domestic spats.

It's not always easy, but I think it's my inner submissive nature that allows me to subvert my own desires and work on a happy, healthy vanilla marriage. That's for the most part what we have. The arrangement isn't perfect for me, but it works.

< Message edited by artofthekneel -- 2/27/2008 12:43:08 PM >

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