What I Am (Full Version)

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Lumus -> What I Am (2/22/2008 11:29:03 AM)

I fell into a chat with an old friend of mine who's a female Switch; the conversation left a funny taste in my mouth, due to one of the topics we stumbled upon.  It was about a "closet Switch" - someone listing themselves online as a submissive who claimed, in one-on-one conversation, to have their own submissive.  There could be any number of reasons for this, I suppose.  The truth was a bit lame, just a fishing expedition for a Pro, but that didn't stop the ole cogs in my head from cogitating on that sour flavour sitting in my mouth.

Assuming for a moment that all personal, real-life bullcrap is set aside and you're simply dealing with "what you are" - Dom, Switch, sub/slave - would anyone have a viable reason to hide, obfuscate, or otherwise misrepresent what they are online after creating a profile with a preference...?  I'll quickly define my intent regarding the word viable here as:  not drama, not personal BS, and not a fake profile.  I did a rundown in my head for reasons, and drew a blank.  Mind you, I'm hard-wired with a predilection for "honesty regardless", a thing that's caused me more grief than you might suspect...so I could be biased.

Hence this post.  If anyone else has thoughts or opinions about why someone would intentionally mislabel themselves as Dom/me, Switch, submissive or slave [yes, I'm skirting the sub vs slave thing, I have better things to flog!] for a viable reason, I'd be interested in hearing and discussing them.

[side-note:  credit to Edie Brickell for the post's title...the song got stuck in my head whilst writing this]



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 11:33:24 AM)

When you're talking about switches, you get added baggage.  A switch IS a submissive.  A switch IS a dominant.  It's not at all mislabeling, or even hiding the "full truth."  The problem is that people think if you are a sub AND a dom that something must be wrong and weird with you. 

Now, I'm fine with people who don't want to be play with 'switches' but I can totally understand making a particular profile for that orientation if that's what you want to get responses for and don't consider it mislabeling at all. 



allcatsaregrey -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 11:33:56 AM)

I am struggling to think of any reason for a person to deliberately misrepresent themselves in this manner, aside from one. What if someone was confused about their station, whether they were a Dom/sub/switch, etc., so they settled on one type in their profile? *Scratches head* Still, I don't know. What is the point of deceit when its virtually moot?



chamberqueen -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 11:36:33 AM)

I list myself as a Mistress even though I am a slave to one Dom.  He and I only meet about once a month, and He likes it that I am a Mistress.  If I list myself as a sub or switch I will get a ton of Doms breathing down my neck - something I get enough of because they have their own closet submissive side (at least, the ones that write to me).

My profile is set for friends only, but I still get many people wanting to play.  I chose this route - even though I am a switch at heart - simply to relieve myself of unwanted attention.  I think that you will find that many switches do the same thing.  (I've been blasted by some for being a switch, one person even telling me to get out of the lifestyle until I could figure out what I really was.  I KNOW what I am - a Mistress who will only have sex with her Daddy Dom.  All Mistress play is nonsexual for me.)



openlil1 -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 11:39:51 AM)

I tend to think the person is wanting to let that one side of themself out more right now.  Maybe they are in denial about their other needs?   I would think that unless one knows one's self-descriptors and can articulate them, they are unlikely to get what they really want or need.



DaddyAndCarina -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 11:40:05 AM)

Listing ones self as a switch .... usually gets you loads of grief....I know I have been there ... Dom's dont want you  cause for the most part they  dont have  a clue how to  handle you  sub avoid  you  cause they  dont think  you are strong enough, especially fem switches.  And for the most part I am wired a switch but that Domme side of me is just because I can be good at it, I have  technically owned a boy for 8 years... long story  I posted it here somewhere the other day already  tho. It has been a very  good  relationship peaking tho when I was with a Dominant. When I  got with  Master about four years ago it went down the tubes  I couldnt find that  side of me ( domme) the boy and I became more freinds. While Master and I were split that  side came back out but again .... I am back with him and unable to  remotely find top or domme in me ... And here ... is where I am truly  who I was meant to  be. I still have a truly evil side .... extremely sadistic ... but I will only  use it ...  when needed to spice up my  writing  but yes I can understand why  one wouldnt put switch .... especially  if it wasnt really  the deeper side of her or him  for that matter



Lumus -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 11:46:55 AM)

I pondered the same thing, LA, and wondered if I wasn't being a little assumptive about 'Switchery'.  I certainly see what you mean - Switch is a Switch but s/he only wants a pet right now, for example.  Here's how it echoed in my head, I'll reference the example I gave:

Switch wants a pet, even though they like it both ways.  Do they

a] sign up as a Switch and state in their profile 'subs/slaves only need apply' with finger poised over Iggy?
b] sign up as a Dom/me, since they only want a sub/slave?

Could be me, the second option seems disingenuous compared to the first; that, and while it might only be my limited experience with Switches, I haven't met one yet who intentionally hides being a Switch just to get play from one side of the fence only.  I also tend to thinks of Switches as just that - Switches, with no assumption premade about whether they veer more one way or the other; not as both Dom and sub but an individual who accepts both sides of the fence.

*recalls a comparative between switches and bisexuality and shakes his head before he derails his own damn thread...*

Does that make any sense? [8|]





Lumus -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 11:55:07 AM)

General reply, since responses came pouring in whilst I was thinking of an appropriate way to address LA's commentary:

See, us hetero male Doms need input like this, the better to appreciate the crap women put up with online. [:D]  Thank you for the replies so far; anyone else who wishes to add in a few shiny pennies, please do!




LadyHathor -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 11:55:34 AM)

it increases the chances of "securing" someone--anyone, someone, anyone.



allcatsaregrey -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:00:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

it increases the chances of "securing" someone--anyone, someone, anyone.


Bueller, Bueller, Bueller...



Lumus -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:02:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

it increases the chances of "securing" someone--anyone, someone, anyone.



I pondered this scenario too, but only for a moment [admittedly because I can't see it as viable for myself].  How does someone reconcile altering their self-definition publicly to feel secure privately?  Any answer that pops into my head echoes of the word LA used - "baggage" - and gives me a niggling suspicion that either the person is inexperienced and therefore unsure; or that private issues dictate the public representation...

*shrugs*  Could be me.  Thank you for the insight, LadyHathor. [:)]

[Edited because I typed 'publicly' as 'pubicly' - damn that inner imp...]




LordVelvet -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:04:50 PM)

Lumas,
I am "labeled" as a Switch. I sub/bottom about once every 5-6 years. I label that way because it is still who I am. For a while I was listed as a Dom seeing all the shit that Switches were getting but decided to be real to Myself. There are a few on this site who know Me in real life so what do I care what a bunch of people I don't know think.

To answer Your question
1) Maybe they don't want to identify as a Switch
2) Maybe they are in the closet, so to speak.
3) Maybe they are a sub and has one and that is who they are.

If it works for them who am I to judge? Just My opinion.

LordVelvet



DesFIP -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:05:12 PM)

Possibly they're tired of people assuming switch means they will want to switch with their partner at any random moment. Some switches do go back and forth in scene, but more are dominant with some people and submissive to others. There are a lot of females who are submissive to males but dominant to other females. Such a person wouldn't consider themselves necessarily as a switch because they don't ever switch inside of the gender lines.



CreativeDominant -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:09:44 PM)

It is a difficult thing to come on here (maybe it is true on other sites also) and call yourself a switch.  I have a friend who is a switch.  She knows where her submissive side is and she knows where her dominant side is. A hard thing for her is those dominants who have it in their heads that all she really needs is a dominant who will demand all her attention and can make her see that the "true" path for her is her submission.  She likes dominants who can understand that she owns a submissive and enjoys him very much but that she also has that side of her that needs to be controlled and needs to let go of her own control once in awhile. 
I am dominant...happily so.  I am sadistic with little to no masochistic bent.  But I love certain types of sensation play.  But I am not a bottom, nor a submissive.  That is difficult enough to explain to people...I can only imagine what it must be like to try and explain the whole "switch" scenario.  Luckily for me, I have made friends with several female switches who have each had their own perspective...note the lady above, as an example...with some commonalities in their stories.  I wouldn't want to have to deal with all the crap that must come along with it.  We hear about the guff that female submissives get from those dominants who know they are just "it" for any and every sub...try being a switch female dealing with dominants who see you as a challenge.




Lumus -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:15:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LordVelvet

Lumas,
I am "labeled" as a Switch. I sub/bottom about once every 5-6 years. I label that way because it is still who I am. For a while I was listed as a Dom seeing all the shit that Switches were getting but decided to be real to Myself. There are a few on this site who know Me in real life so what do I care what a bunch of people I don't know think.

To answer Your question
1) Maybe they don't want to identify as a Switch
2) Maybe they are in the closet, so to speak.
3) Maybe they are a sub and has one and that is who they are.

If it works for them who am I to judge? Just My opinion.

LordVelvet


That last line is always a good place to end up...granted, what an individual does is their own business. [;)]  I was more interested in what motivates a person to be one thing, say they are another; I try [and sometimes fail] to not judge.

The prevailing theme I'm feeling from this thread so far is that the main motivations fall under social stigma over the term 'Switch'; identity confusion; or other, general personal issues.  Still, always good to hear another viewpoint, and thank You for sharing Yours. [:)]




joy2u -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:20:08 PM)

It seems to me that there are those who are submissive to their Dominant but will not submit to another submissive and will, in fact be dominant over them but, they still classify themself as a submissive because that's what they identify as.
 
Aren't some slaves dominant over other slaves or submissives?  Aren't they known as "Alpha slaves"?  So, would you consider an Alpha slave to be a "switch" rather than a submissive?

i hope this is in keeping with what you're talking about.  If it's totally off the mark, i apologize.  It's just that this is what came to my mind when i read your post and thought i would add it to the discussion.
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David



Lumus -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:23:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Possibly they're tired of people assuming switch means they will want to switch with their partner at any random moment. Some switches do go back and forth in scene, but more are dominant with some people and submissive to others. There are a lot of females who are submissive to males but dominant to other females. Such a person wouldn't consider themselves necessarily as a switch because they don't ever switch inside of the gender lines.



I've seen the same thing, here and elsewhere, DesFIP; sub to one gender, Dom/me to the other.  Of the ones I know personally, most go with either a 'Switch' or 'vanilla' label [in forums where they can do so].  I know society is usually the labeller, but I'm personally a fan of people choosing which labels they accept; so I can see why an individual might choose to perceive 'switch' as a gender marker, rather than a place 'between' Dom and sub/slave, if you will.  Thanks for the response. [:)]




Lumus -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:25:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

It is a difficult thing to come on here (maybe it is true on other sites also) and call yourself a switch.  I have a friend who is a switch.  She knows where her submissive side is and she knows where her dominant side is. A hard thing for her is those dominants who have it in their heads that all she really needs is a dominant who will demand all her attention and can make her see that the "true" path for her is her submission.  She likes dominants who can understand that she owns a submissive and enjoys him very much but that she also has that side of her that needs to be controlled and needs to let go of her own control once in awhile. 
I am dominant...happily so.  I am sadistic with little to no masochistic bent.  But I love certain types of sensation play.  But I am not a bottom, nor a submissive.  That is difficult enough to explain to people...I can only imagine what it must be like to try and explain the whole "switch" scenario.  Luckily for me, I have made friends with several female switches who have each had their own perspective...note the lady above, as an example...with some commonalities in their stories.  I wouldn't want to have to deal with all the crap that must come along with it.  We hear about the guff that female submissives get from those dominants who know they are just "it" for any and every sub...try being a switch female dealing with dominants who see you as a challenge.



I know what you mean, CD; I was only half flippant when I made my earlier comment about 'us hetero male Doms'. [;)]  It sounds like your friend got bit by the stigma of the label, which I'm sorry to hear.  Thank you for sharing your insight. [:)]




LordVelvet -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:28:31 PM)

Lumus,
I fail at judging others also. I try and each day I get a little better. It is called being human.

LordVelvet



Hotch -> RE: What I Am (2/22/2008 12:28:47 PM)

This switch thing has sorta bugged me.  I'm not submissive but I'm both a sadist and a masochist.  I've never been in a situation where I've submitted to someone else but I must admit the fantasy of being overpowered has some appeal to me.  I don't think I would ever play it out, because it would require forcible restraint and I would be very violent to subdue, but the fantasy is there.  Does this make me a potential switch, or just a disturbed individual?



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