RE: Diminished expectations

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celticlord2112 -> RE: Diminished expectations (2/23/2008 8:34:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist quote: ORIGINAL: missfrillypants quote: ORIGINAL: adoracat there is such a broad range of behaviors to WIIWD that if all you want to do is tie your submissive to the bed and inflict bad poetry on her, it falls within the bounds. [:)] not bad poetry! attempts to hide this thread i hope i'm never so bad He decides to give me that punishment. i couldn't take it! I'd read to them from the gor books. In falsetto. That's too cruel. Show some compassion. Waterboarding.

ChainedExistence -> RE: Diminished expectations (2/23/2008 9:20:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: drewnyc Hello, I am a Dominant male. In my limited incursions into the BDSM community I have encountered the following prevailing ethos: Any Dom who demonstrates genuine affection, respect and desire for honest communication with his sub is not a true Dom. Any Dom who is unwilling to inflict random punishment or discipline is not a true Dom. Humanity, patience and gentleness are liabilities. Actual sexuality is rare. I am not a sadist or misogynist nor do I enjoy pointless cruelty. D&S to me is an extension/embodiment of my sexuality. Please explain. Thank you. ....and just who is deeming you true or not? Last time I checked there was no Dom licensing board handing out gold stars for all the worthy candidates, and sending the rest of the masses to the wannabe wilderness. The beauty of the lifestyle is that it is whatever you deem it to be for yourself and those who will be a part of your life. Now, my Master doesn't hesitate to give me some whacks with a cane, but not because he's into random punishment...he does it because..well, because WE LIKE IT! It is a part of our sexuality, and while it might appear to be punishment to an outsider, it is part of the way we love and enjoy each other. (Have I ever been punished? Yes, but never in a random, meaningless fashion.) I love, and respect Master, and he's never made me feel like I couldn't say what was in my heart and mind. He loves and respects me for both my devotion as a slave , and who I am as a person. I can't imagine D/s working any other way for us. I see him as my authority figure, the person who directs the relationship, the one in charge...but it's hard to be in charge if you don't have someone willing to follow. I submit out of my desire to please the one I love.Certainly there are those who want a different style of D/s, but you don't have to mold your desires to theirs. You can respect their dynamic while adopting whatever style you choose.

NefertariReborn -> RE: Diminished expectations (2/23/2008 9:38:34 PM)
I have nothing new to add...the topic wasn't that deep ....after the first two postings it was just rehash rehash....I'm simply racking up the numbers so I can move tothe next level...shrugs I did however write down the bad poetry idea for future use.

DesFIP -> RE: Diminished expectations (2/24/2008 1:42:06 PM)
Find a different bunch of people to hang out with is my advice. We do not have a punishment dynamic, being adults of a certain age, that's just too much energy and drama. We like to talk things out and find out why things happened, almost always it has come down to simple misunderstanding. He's not a sadist and I'm not a masochist. Our preferred play is bondage and sensual spanking. If we hadn't of fallen in love, he would never have gotten my clothes off me, yet alone tie me up. Next time someone gives you this line, ask him how long he's been together. Because I know couple still deeply in love who discarded punishment years ago and who are married over 20 years.

Sundowner -> RE: Diminished expectations (2/24/2008 2:22:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: drewnyc Hello, I am a Dominant male. In my limited incursions into the BDSM community I have encountered the following prevailing ethos: Any Dom who demonstrates genuine affection, respect and desire for honest communication with his sub is not a true Dom. Any Dom who is unwilling to inflict random punishment or discipline is not a true Dom. Humanity, patience and gentleness are liabilities. Actual sexuality is rare. I am not a sadist or misogynist nor do I enjoy pointless cruelty. D&S to me is an extension/embodiment of my sexuality. Please explain. Thank you. Poor old drew. I do feel everyone has completely the wrong end of the stick - he's not saying the red bits are his views; he's saying - presumably with good reason - that in the short time he's been here he's seen posts which appear to suggest this. He then says he disagrees with this view (the red bits) but asks us to explain why CM posts give this impression. And most ppl have kicked the poor guy on his first post more or less the day he joined CM. Could be he was just unlucky with his reading material. Sure, he could have explained his query better but hey - lighten up guys. Disappointing reactions and not our best day.

TracyTaken -> RE: Diminished expectations (2/24/2008 2:54:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Sundowner Poor old drew. I do feel everyone has completely the wrong end of the stick - he's not saying the red bits are his views; he's saying - presumably with good reason - that in the short time he's been here he's seen posts which appear to suggest this. So he's saying that his "limited incursions into BDSM" consist only of participation on collarme? quote: He then says he disagrees with this view (the red bits) but asks us to explain why CM posts give this impression. Possibly because cyber isn't the same as real, but many of the people who post here don't know the difference. Many, dare I say most, of the posts here are not based in reality, and the discussions here are not an accurate representation of what one would find in a healthy r/l BDSM group or function. quote: And most ppl have kicked the poor guy on his first post more or less the day he joined CM. Could be he was just unlucky with his reading material. Maybe basing those kinds of conclusions on irresponsible writings is a bad idea. There is a ton of responsible work written on the subject: http://www.greenerypress.com/ is one place to find it.

Statepalace -> RE: Diminished expectations (2/24/2008 2:56:24 PM)
Tisk, tisk. That is what you get for blithely walking into club without checking the fine print. I can clear up the confusion. The "BDSM" initials that adorn the "community" club house you have been frequenting stand for "Big Dumb Skeezy Misogynists". Common mistake for new people to make. Or people that need reading glasses. See, they made the initials the same so that they could get entrance fees from people looking for the other BDSM. Scammers, all of them.

deliciousmorsel -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/26/2008 10:10:04 PM)
Having actually communicated with DrewNYC, no- not on CM, but in the real world is what he's reffering to.. I've seen the same thing at the various clubs and munches I've been to. Lots of angry mean as hell people; even sub girls just live to stab each other in the back and behave like psychotic seventh graders. It's appalling how some so called BDSM people behave. And then mouth off about Leather and the important moral standards it expects... Grown ups are supposed to have more important things to do than gossip and gang up on people who may be different. Like, having some sort of acomplishment or speaking a foreign language... That'll get you beaten up in some clubs. Kinky doesn't seem to matter- lowest common denominator does. Like DrewNYC, CollarMe is the only place I've come across sane human beings who just like a more sophisticated sexuality. Maybe I'm in a part of the country that's too limited by two clubs run by nutjobs, but any kinky reasonable adult would be aghast at what they see in some real life "BDSM communitys". Why in the hell should I have to hide my high heels and athletic trophies to meet somebody who'll appreciate my masochistic streak? I thought people being different spiced up the party.

Corvidae -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/27/2008 2:15:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: drewnyc Hello, I am a Dominant male. In my limited incursions into the BDSM community I have encountered the following prevailing ethos: Any Dom who demonstrates genuine affection, respect and desire for honest communication with his sub is not a true Dom. Any Dom who is unwilling to inflict random punishment or discipline is not a true Dom. Humanity, patience and gentleness are liabilities. Actual sexuality is rare. I am not a sadist or misogynist nor do I enjoy pointless cruelty. D&S to me is an extension/embodiment of my sexuality. Please explain. Thank you. Hi, I am also realatively new to the BDSM community, although I have had the exact opposite experiance as you. Sure, there are some assholes and nut-jobs out there, and they can be pretty vocal, but that is the case for any sort of community. So far the doms I have seen who are the most respected are the ones who are respectfull and rational and reasonable with their subs (and with every one). As a sub I appreciate the patience and care of the doms I have met, and if someone acted in the way you describe I wouldn't play with them. That being said, I personally appreciate someone who has a sadistic streak, and knows how to channel it (in a safe way). Also, what you see as random punishment or discipline may actually be carefully thought out and mutually enjoyed play. Some people may have fantasies or play in a way that is "harsher" than yours. Neither way is better... it is all a matter of taste. In my own play I'd much rather get beat up and called names than gently spanked and lightly stroked... but I want to do it with someone who respects me and cares for my safety and who when the scene is over will be friendly and caring. Basically, don't let anyone tell you you aren't a "true" dom, because that's just silly. As has already been stated in previous posts, if you and the person you are playing with enjoy what you are doing, then all is well, regardless of whether it is hugs and kisses or shouts and slaps. Also, as others have said, if you find yourself in a group where the general ethos is what you described, then I would leave it and try to find a new group of people.

RavenMuse -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/27/2008 7:10:21 AM)
There is no 'prevailing ethos' except in your own mind. If you are hitting that a lot then the common denominator is you, maybe you need to look at what is drawing you to talk to those individuals from whom you are experiencing these responces. Treat each individual as an individual and just maybe you will find a whole host of differing 'ethos's

DesFIP -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/27/2008 9:34:13 AM)
Those of us who are not into s & m are definitely in the minority. A lot of what I see presented as dominance appears to me to be actually sadism finding an outlet. For me, what we do bondagewise is for fun, it isn't at all D/s. Now that is not to say that the body doesn't lead the mind frequently because it does, but I don't get tied up for the purpose of feeling submissive. I do it because it makes me hot. Bondage for us is highly sexual. We are highly sexual people. And yes a lot of people claim that being in this for kinky sex means you aren't a real lifestyler. At the same time, I don't know of anyone who didn't start in this because they wanted the kinky sex. Basically if the munch/group near you is like that, go find a different one. Or just skip it and simply stay home and have fun with someone who feels the same way you do.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/27/2008 9:43:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist quote: ORIGINAL: missfrillypants quote: ORIGINAL: adoracat there is such a broad range of behaviors to WIIWD that if all you want to do is tie your submissive to the bed and inflict bad poetry on her, it falls within the bounds. [:)] not bad poetry! attempts to hide this thread i hope i'm never so bad He decides to give me that punishment. i couldn't take it! I'd read to them from the gor books. In falsetto. Now - that is just sick!!!!!!

myotherself -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/27/2008 9:56:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist quote: ORIGINAL: missfrillypants quote: ORIGINAL: adoracat there is such a broad range of behaviors to WIIWD that if all you want to do is tie your submissive to the bed and inflict bad poetry on her, it falls within the bounds. [:)] not bad poetry! attempts to hide this thread i hope i'm never so bad He decides to give me that punishment. i couldn't take it! I'd read to them from the gor books. In falsetto. Now - that is just sick!!!!!! Pah - a TWUE sub would relish such a punishment! [sm=bite.gif][sm=book.gif]

Maya2001 -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/27/2008 11:10:16 AM)
it seems that you are simply not meeting those that are compatible with you and what you wish for in a relationship it does not make you less of a dom. People have different preferences in what they need and seek, for example the qualities you listed are what I seek in a Dom, I am not a masochist, so don't want to be randomly punished or treated harshly ... I expect to be respected and valued in a D/s relationship, that does not make me less of a sub for wanting/needing those things in a relationship and I accept that some Doms may not view me as a "twue" sub as a result but that is simply because they have a different view of what is sub is and what they expect from one..it is better for me to know that up front than to be expected to changed to meet their ideals. As one Dom told me ...be true to who you are and don't change to fit what other's expect you to be...because all that will do is bring you unhappiness.

DDraigeuraid -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/27/2008 12:59:12 PM)
OP, I saw a lot of what you describe when I first got involved in this lifestyle. The ones who claimed that "ONLY THEY" knew the one, true way. What I found later is that these guys were the posers, the wannabes. They were louder than the rest. The real folk were usually quieter, but had the respect of more people in the community. If all you are finding are the posers, start your own community. It is not that difficult. Sure, you'll get some of the same posers, especially if the population of the area is relativly small. But you will also find real people, those who care for others. Dragon

bruisedpetals -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/27/2008 4:10:06 PM)
My Master isn't a sadist either, and we communicate with love and affection - but I know he's my Master. He doesn't have to prove anything with brutality or boorishness. Doms can be gentlemen too.

littleone35 -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/27/2008 5:18:34 PM)
i don't know who you have been talking to OP but sounds like BS to me. My Master loves me and he tells me so and he also shows me affection. In the 2+ years we have been togeher i was only punished once an displined a few times and when it happened i knew why. I am glad i have a sensual rather then sadistic Master. Matt's littleone

xxblushesxx -> RE: Diminished expectations (4/29/2008 9:16:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: drewnyc Hello, I am a Dominant male. In my limited incursions into the BDSM community I have encountered the following prevailing ethos: Any Dom who demonstrates genuine affection, respect and desire for honest communication with his sub is not a true Dom. Any Dom who is unwilling to inflict random punishment or discipline is not a true Dom. Humanity, patience and gentleness are liabilities. Actual sexuality is rare. I am not a sadist or misogynist nor do I enjoy pointless cruelty. D&S to me is an extension/embodiment of my sexuality. Please explain. Thank you. not having read the other answers, and just responding to your post, I just have to say, you've been hanging with the wrong crowd.

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