stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: HerLord
quote:
ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia
HL, try to imagine being so terrified of someone that you will put up with anything. Someone who tells you, very clearly, that if you try to get away, they will kill your children. That they have surveillance tapes secreted about the house. That's just one instance.
So when you are a mother who's given birth to children, you can make sweeping statements. Until then, you can't even imagine what you will do and put up with to keep your kids safe from harm.
Well spoken. I know as not birthing one myself I have no real room for input on such a topic in the eyes of others. That expressed, allow me to delve below the core.
The fact that this person is with this man puts in my mind a serious lack of faith in my opinion of this womans ability to think for herself, or the best best interest of her children. If this person is so blind as to be in this relationship in the first place, she is unfit to be mommy any way and should have the authorities remove her children from her influence altogether. as for the authorities getting involved to help her... screw her. She does not have in the intestinal fortitude to look after her own well being (or her own fucking KIDS!) she does not deserve the assistance of any one.
Now I know this will piss alot of people off. GOOD! It is high time that individuals stood up and took responsibility for thier own actions. This woman CHOSE to be with him!
Now those of you who know someone in a relationship where one party or the other is being abused, you are crimminally neglegent to not do something to help.
Of those that are in such a relation, and HAVE exerted energies to get the help that is required to get the hell out, I APPLAUD YOU! To them are the ones who deserve the assistance of ALL and any who can provide help, be it the "gov", family, friends, or perfect strangers.
You know, it's very easy to judge when you're looking at an abusive relationship from the outside and make sweeping generalizations. It's hardly ever that simple.
I'm going to qualify my own position here. I have been abused, I have been in relationships with women who have been abused, and I do a considerable amount of voluntary and charity work with the homeless, particularly the street homeless, and quite a lot of these people are mentally ill, emotionally disturbed or have either been abused or have abused someone else.
I'm also going to offer people a perspective here. I write from personal experience. Going through the gender reassignment process is tough, very tough. But breaking the cycle of abuse is just as tough, if not tougher.
It's very easy to show one's ignorance and let meaningless words such as 'stupidity' come out of the mouth. Let someone post here and claim that they've never been stupid and I'll call them a liar. Being stupid is nothing other than going against one's better judgment - we've all been there, we all go there from time to time. Stupidity is part of human nature.
It's important when we come to discussing an abusive relationship to understand that there are two sides to the story - the abused and the abuser. There are also two victims - the abused and the abuser. Both need help, both need support, and both need to break out of the cycle of abuse.
What you've also got to understand is that when you're in a relationship with someone you are essentially taking them at face value on the basis of how they interact with you and how they react to your interaction with them. You can claim to know that person, but in reality you only really know that person as far as your experience with that person teaches you. The rest is either intention or speculation.
An abuser is usually someone who in some way has been abused, neglected, has gone through a traumatic experience either in childhood or adulthood, and rather than face up to the issues, confront them and deal with them, as any rational, thinking human being would, they take the easy way out, refuse to face up to their issues, but deal with them in a negative way, which is either to lash out or dish out at another person, through anger, violence, hatred, frustration or resentment. Or they seek to deprive or deny their victim something. Abuse can be physical, emotional or psychological. Emotional manipulation is a common form of abuse but is one which is rarely discussed.
This goes against their intention, because they are aware of their issues, but they are unable or unwilling to confront or deal with their issues effectively. This isn't the sadist, who derives pleasure from causing pain or suffering to someone under their control, the motivation is totally different, it is revenge, it is vengeance. But hey, you're the other person in the relationship, you can't read into the mind of this person, you can only go by what they say and what they do. You're not a trained clinical psychologist either, so it can take a considerable amount of time to work out whether you're dealing with a real sadist, a psychopath or an abuser, especially if you've been subjected to abuse yourself.
It's also important to remember that an abuser isn't abusive all the time. An abuser is basically someone who is weak, but who is struggling to be strong. Abusers don't enter into relationships to be abusive, but on the contrary, they enter into a relationship with perfectly good intentions and for the most part are perfectly decent human beings to be with and to know, which is why they maintain family contacts, hold down employment, and have friends. How do you expect any woman in such circumstances to know they are dealing with an abuser?
Abusers are very much into control, control of themselves and control of the relationship. Again it's no different from the Dominant who wants control of the relationship, but again, the underlying motivation for needing that control is very different. A Dominant wants control for positive reasons, for the benefit of two people and for the relationship. The abuser needs control to cover their own fears and insecurities. Again, how do you expect the potential victim to be able to tell the difference?
Abusers are weak, and because they are also insecure they carefully select their partners. They choose who they perceive to be weak, vulnerable, submissive, because they know that the chances of success of that relationship lies in the other person not finding out about their issues. They look for emotional neediness in their potential partner, it is as clear a signal to them as fresh blood in the sea is to a shark. They put a lot of thought into this. This is why serial killers are often so hard to catch. It's the same pattern of thinking, the self-perceived persona which is free from the issues, as opposed to the real persona with the issues.
But there are triggers, and times when control is lost and the abuse takes place. This sets up a cycle of guilt, apology, emotional manipulation, a period of even tighter control.. until the next time. Here you've got the abused, taking this abuser at face value, feelings are involved, real, very deep feelings, because this person represents to them emotional security, they genuinely love this person, the abused are aware of their own issues, but quite often they need the emotional validation and what they perceive as emotional support, and love and thus they give their abuser numerous chances.
And so we come to the abused, someone who may also be weak, but also it may be someone who is strong but who feels that they don't have the necessary support. They are often afraid to face up to such issues, quite often someone who has gone from one abusive relationship to another, they have compromised their own needs, desires and wishes and are prepared to accept second best. They are deeply insecure, quite often emotionally needy, in fact it's the emotional neediness which the abuser often preys on. Anyone can be emotionally needy, it doesn't matter whether they are weak or strong. They just need a skewed perspective of themselves and their lives that's all.
It's just like the old Luther Vandross song, 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.' Considering the number of people who start relationships out of loneliness this to me is perfectly understandable.
I know this situation myself through being transgendered. Acceptance is conditional. I'm accepted by those in my life for who I really am, but I can tell my own story of rejections, failed relationships, abuse, hatred, prejudice, of being excluded, denied, played with and deceived by others over the ten years from when I first started my transition to now when for the first time it appears I'm getting into a relationship with someone who genuinely accepts me for me, supports me, and wants to share their life with me.
I'm one of the lucky ones, many transgendered people either end up accepting second best or staying lonely. Through this ten years I have had to deal with my own emotional issues and abuse from my childhood and let go of my past, which I was clinging to through fears and my own self-deception. I've also had to deal with being street homeless. This has tended to put people off rather than attract them and the breakthrough only came last year when I learned of my father's death.
It's very easy looking from the outside as a rational thinking human being and arrive at some sort of judgment, but quite often it isn't the right sort of judgment.
Walking away isn't usually a considered option.. Sometimes there's UMs involved, joint finances, sometimes there's nobody who can provide accommodation as most friends are known to both abused and abuser. The bottom line is you can provide all the help and support necessary but the courage and determination to face up to one's fears and insecurity has to come from within the abused person themselves.
This isn't easy because they're quite often walking away into nothing and their whole life collapses as a result. Learning to overcome the past and break away from it isn't easy, it's actually very difficult, can be traumatic, and can bring so many unexpected consequences.
These are some of the people I come across in my work. They took the chance, but it didn't work out for some reason. They might have found it hard to deal with the stress, the trauma, the separation and letting go, or they simply took as chance and it just didn't work out. Not always is the separation planned, quite often it's done in abject fear, terror, a moment's opportunity, it's a great leap into the unknown. They go out on a limb, they may stay with friends, but the abuser finds them, or simply there's no places at the shelter and they end up having to sleep on the streets.
Quite a few put themselves on the streets in order to escape, and they sometimes get accused of making themselves intentionally homeless and end up being denied the help they so desperately need. Some don't want the help, they have trust issues, they become part of a 'street homeless family' and a group of homeless people sleeping on the streets together.
Street homelessness isn't a worst case scenario - suicide is. Back in 2006 I lost a participant in a workshop. She was in a hostel, had been shifted from three hostels, pursued by her violent ex-husband, and she wanted into a shelter. This was denied by the hostel manager. A week into the project she threw herself under a high speed train entering London.
There is also another example. This woman came from an alcoholic family, she was brought to London in an abusive relationship. She's 32, bipolar, has fully developed HIV, we met in the same night shelter when I was street homeless back in December 2005, I have been resettled and rebuilt my life, she on the other hand has been kicked out of at least three hostels, due to her issues, one of which involves selling her body at various petrol stations for loose change or a few cigarettes. None of the men who take her up on her offer and use her for their own sexual gratification appear to be bothered about her issues. She's quite well known, hostels don't want her because she needs so much support, and this only serves to emphasize the nature of a system which is arbitrary and unfair.
My best friend is another such case. She's black, 48, had five abusive marriages, we lived together in the same hostel throughout much of 2006. Like a number of abused women she's become dominant because her having control of the relationship is the only guarantee she feels of being in a relationship.About a month before I moved out of the hostel she met a wonderful man who was working with the hostel. He was married, from the Middle East, a Muslim, but they were a perfect match. My friend fell in love, and she fell in love to a guy who was a known architect, rich, and who was prepared to give up his faith and walk away from his family to be with my friend. All his life he wanted a relationship dominated by the woman.
I sat there with her, night after night, as she talked about her life, her past, and the immense joy, happiness, and love she felt for this man. She goes to church, and it is the people at the church who supports her. But the hostel manager intervened, broke up the relationship, my friend was transferred to a women's hostel and her soulmate was transferred elsewhere. Heaven became hell. She is in a women's hostel where the majority of women are prostitutes, crack addicts, they don't accept my friend. The staff at the hostel don't like her, they say she is difficult, and she's living in a hostile environment. Worse still she was pregnant to this man, I've been helping her to find him, and she was about to be rehoused into her own flat. But then due to a clerical error she was denied her welfare for several months, I brought her food, she got food and clothing and money from the church, but the stress of her situation caused her to have a miscarriage. 10 months later she is still waiting to be rehoused into her own flat.
It's very easy to say "I would never accept that" or "It would never happen to me", it's very easy to look at abuse from a purely rational viewpoint and make your own judgments, but you don't know what it's like unless you have been there, lived through such an experience or have spent time with such people and tried to see things from their perspective.
Take a look at my friend. Look at her circumstances. Also be aware that besides the church, she's working hard to set up her own hostel, one for homeless UMs and teenagers, runaways and young victims of abuse.
This is an abused woman, who has gone through child abuse and five abusive marriages. It's taken her years to get where she is now, but she's still strong, she's still coping, and she hasn't given up the struggle to break free of her past.
Are you still going to question her thinking and judgment, or are you prepared to try and see things from her perspective and try to understand?
_____________________________
CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q
|
RE: What is it? - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread