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Pavel -> Dealing with chatroom people... (9/18/2005 9:57:48 PM)
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I tend to hang around yahoo chatrooms. No extra reason why, it's just a nice way to kill time, and you meet interesting people sometimes. Well, maybe rarely, but still. However, what's by far more common is the dreaded "random private message of doom!" (or RPMD). These messages can vary from the seemingly innocent "hello" to the truely dreaded "hai!!!!!" and "ASL PLZ SEXXX ME UPZZZZ!?!?!?!" There are many ways to deal with RPMD, ignoreing the sender, sending letter bombs to the offending IP address, or just screaming and pulling your hair out (not recomended, especially if bald). My tactic however, has been what I refer to as "counter trolling." Basically, I figure if they've gone out of their way to annoy me, it's only fair to annoy back.
This leads me to the point of this post; Pavel's top ten ways to ruin an annoying person's attempts to seduce you via PM;
1. Demand passwords or authorization. This is best when combined with a response to an inncorrect password, or them getting confused ("password incorrect, user denied access to sexy webcam" or my favorite "access denied, homeland security alerted")
2. Respond with a totally unexptected phrase/word (I've taken to going "ribbit" or other animal noises whenever I get unwanted messages).
3. Accuse the accuser. When stupid people get in my face online, I tend to accuse them of being "card carrying memebers of the communist party" or alternately "scientologists." Bonus points are awarded based on how wild one can make the accusation ("You killed kenny and JFK!").
4. Probe to find out what exactly your oppostion happens to be. If they happen to be say, an Arab Male (I had a whole pile of guys from the middle east on yahoo who seemed quite convinced for reasons lost on me I was a hot american female just begging to have sex with them), claim to only lust for somthing totally opposite/potentially offensive to them (as in the Arab male case, I claimed to only have eyes for jewish people, which is semi-true, as I haven't met a jewish girl I wasn't quite fond of).
5. Speak in tounges. Most people give up after a few lines of text going like "glafph blahooty gamorgen!"
6. Use jedi mind tricks. Bonus points for useing the words "droids" "midiclorates" and "nachos"
7. Pretend all requests for asl mean somthing else entirely. I prefer to take it as "altitude, speed, landing clearence" and to pretend I'm air traffic control. "United 320, you're at angels 30, 230 knots, clearence denied, there's a flock of ducks in the pattern"
8. Be insulted by somthing they say, maybe three lines into the conversation, take it as a racist slur if at all possible. Demand an apology to whatever people you claim to represent. Bonus points again if you make up a people to represent (examples; the Mighty Slaneesh clan of the Texarkanna Empire, the free socialist tribes of greater Quebecistan)
9. Take everything they type, and just type is back backwards. Bonus points if they don't catch on.
10. Pretend the PM is from someone else with important business with you. Best results tend to include pretending you're a mobster, or somthing similar. Refer to them as "Ivan" or possibly "Juillo." Then demand to know "where the shipment is." When they claim ignorance, verbally abuse them, and then tell them you're going to start chopping fingers off their homie. Usually by this point they'll have given up. If they claim to know of the shipment, tell them it's a sting, and to stand outside their home and await arrest from the local authorities, and that the helicopter is on the way.
I'm sure the rest of ya'll have simliar experinces/tactics to share....
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