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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 10:25:20 AM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		i've been to some private parties, munches, Black Rose socials, and meetings -- only one of which was i collared, but it was more a joke than a reality. At any rate, not only was i not submissive to anyone else there, i didn't play at them either. What i did do was meet a great bunch of people, not unlike a "regular" party -- well, okay, it wasn't quite like that..but..lol. i loved being able to talk with people with like interests, share some stories i felt comfortable with, and sometimes just watch what was going on around me. I had a super good time..and didn't require any form of outward submission.

However, when i have been submissive to a Dom, it was a strictly private matter. i'm too self-conscious to play where a bunch of people could watch..although i think it would be so neat to be able to do it. i think it's a matter of being who you are, no matter what that is. The only 2 people who have to be happy with that are you and your Dom..

Good luck..

cheers
jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin



When your heart speaks take good notes.





(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 12:16:59 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

He made it seem as if attending these events some how made us more.....real? Involved? Serious about the lifestyle?

That's one way to look at it -- being "real" is way to get status within the group. In any group you're likely to find folks competing to be among the biggest geeks at whatever it is that brings them together, and in some groups the folks can get so caught up in enhancing their "street cred" that just being around them can be enough of an incentive to want to hang out elsewhere if you don't REALLY like the group and activity.

Another way to look at it is such folks lack other interests or just prefer those activities over anything else. That's fine for them, but it is equally fine if you prefer other things or more variety in your life. After all, you only have a limited amount of time that you can budget toward everything you want to do so you need to choose. If you'd rather go to a movie, bookstore, a mall or church on Saturday night instead of the local dungeon then who is to say there's something wrong with that except perhaps for some who are too obsessed with the activity or concerned with pecking order in "the community"; that is their problem, not yours unless you happen to pair up with one as you already know.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 9/20/2005 12:50:29 PM >

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(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 6:47:33 PM   
sultryvoice


Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline 		I love to go to parties, demos and munches. I tend to be a social person and learn from those around me. But...I do not play in public, at least I haven't in about 4 years. What I do within the relationship is a private thing. Whom I serve, is between him and I. Going to a party, demo or munch only means I enjoy seeing my friends or I am there to learn. I don't feel one has anything to do with the other.

Respectfully,
sultry

_____________________________

Blessed are the cracked,
For it is they who let in the light.


www.themarkbycpi.com

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 7:00:25 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline 		We attend parties whenever possible. Although we do manage to maintain a lot of outside interests, such as Civil War reenactments, Renaissance festivals and the like, we try to attend at least one lifestyle-related function per month, and at least one major event a year. The monthly things could be something as simple as a munch. I also attend biweekly meetings of a group I co-founded a couple years ago, but these days it's purely to socialize and interact with other people (Master's on the road a lot, so I have a lot of "alone" time).

We don't do too many demos, because after you've seen them a thousand times, it tends to become BDSM101, and it's boring. But we have parties in our home, and we attend parties elsewhere, and we enjoy playing in public. For us, the public play is not so much sexual as it is psychological (read: we don't do the sex in public thing). It's an entirely different feeling from what we do in private, and I have to say some of our best scenes have been public ones.


(in reply to sultryvoice)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 8:24:01 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Over the years I've found myself sort of looking at the BDSM scene from the outside. I'm not inclined to attend munches and parties, or involve others in my D/s relationships. My submission has always been a private matter, shared between my Dom and myself. Does that make sense? In other words I felt that my submission was directly related to the person I subbed for, not a state of being that whomever was around managed to take advantage of. The idea of submitting to someone who doesn't really know me does nothing for me, realistically. The most fulfilling D/s experiences have been with people I'd developed vanilla (for lack of a better term) relationships with. When I was without a Dom, I felt lost and out of place, but I don't know if that's because I was craving the submission or just missing the person who wasn't around anymore. Anyone else felt like this?


This is one of the weirdest things I've ever read.

First off, how can you judge something you've never been a part of? You say that you are concerned that "whomever was around managed to take advantage of." I'm not sure I understand what you mean here.

You also say the idea of submitting to someone who doesn't really know you does nothing for you. This statement implies that those of us who are active in the scene are somehow warehoused in some dungeon somewhere getting on our knees for every Tom, Dick and Domly that shows up. This has never been my experience.

You have been lucky to be able to network your way in the vanilla world, for as you say a lack of a better term, to find men who were Dominant and able to fulfill your needs. Apparently, many of us haven't been as lucky and have actually had to enter our local leather/bdsm community to find partners who were like minded.

I've never felt as if being part of a community where I could meet people, get educated, and network was a bad thing. I've never felt as if my involvement in my community in someway dropped my personal stock or made me somehow mediocre, as you eluded to in your post.

So no, I have never felt like that, thank god.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/21/2005 11:41:02 PM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Gosh, you made quite a leap didn't you?


quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily

quote:

Over the years I've found myself sort of looking at the BDSM scene from the outside. I'm not inclined to attend munches and parties, or involve others in my D/s relationships. My submission has always been a private matter, shared between my Dom and myself. Does that make sense? In other words I felt that my submission was directly related to the person I subbed for, not a state of being that whomever was around managed to take advantage of. The idea of submitting to someone who doesn't really know me does nothing for me, realistically. The most fulfilling D/s experiences have been with people I'd developed vanilla (for lack of a better term) relationships with. When I was without a Dom, I felt lost and out of place, but I don't know if that's because I was craving the submission or just missing the person who wasn't around anymore. Anyone else felt like this?


This is one of the weirdest things I've ever read.

First off, how can you judge something you've never been a part of? You say that you are concerned that "whomever was around managed to take advantage of." I'm not sure I understand what you mean here.


First off, I'm not judging anything outside of how it suits me and my personal involvement. I've attended BDSM events before and I wasn't moved. I saw some interesting things and met some interesting people. Did I feel better or more 'lifestyle' for having gone to said munches and parties? Not really. And I didn't say I was concerned about being taken advantage of - matter of fact, I didn't say I was concerned about anything. I won't seek a D/s only relationship because I've tried them before and they didn't work for me. There is too much to learn about each other, so I prefer to sub for the Dom I know rather than the Dom I don't. I've heard many subs here describe meeting someone who's dominance just 'called to them'. That has never happened for me - I can't imagine meeting someone and considering subbing for them before I think about whether we'd have fun at the movies, or like the same books.

quote:

You also say the idea of submitting to someone who doesn't really know you does nothing for you. This statement implies that those of us who are active in the scene are somehow warehoused in some dungeon somewhere getting on our knees for every Tom, Dick and Domly that shows up. This has never been my experience.


That was your assumption on what I meant. I know full well that there are people out there who have no problem submitting to strangers, just as I know there are people out there who aren't comfortable doing that.


quote:

You have been lucky to be able to network your way in the vanilla world, for as you say a lack of a better term, to find men who were Dominant and able to fulfill your needs. Apparently, many of us haven't been as lucky and have actually had to enter our local leather/bdsm community to find partners who were like minded.


Okay.....

quote:

I've never felt as if being part of a community where I could meet people, get educated, and network was a bad thing. I've never felt as if my involvement in my community in someway dropped my personal stock or made me somehow mediocre, as you eluded to in your post.


Yet another assumption about what I said. I never said participating in these events were bad. Didn't say that participation made you 'less' anything either. Where in the hell did you get that from? All I said was that I didn't get anything out of it.

quote:


So no, I have never felt like that, thank god.

Lily


Lucky you. Did you even read my second post?

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/21/2005 11:58:55 PM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

One thing I find curious- what makes you averse to going to a party as a "single woman" versus as a "submissive?" Do people at your parties really care so much?


I don't think the people at the parties care one way or the other - I imagine it's my state of mind. I guess I don't really consider my submissiveness outside of interaction with my Dom, especially in the last year or so. It's the difference between 'being A submissive' and 'being submissive' (at a particular point in time). I equate my submissiveness to the acts I perform and my relationship with the one I submit to. It seems I don't think of being submissive in more general terms.



_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/22/2005 1:20:40 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

Over the years I've found myself sort of looking at the BDSM scene from the outside. I'm not inclined to attend munches and parties, or involve others in my D/s relationships. My submission has always been a private matter, shared between my Dom and myself. Does that make sense? In other words I felt that my submission was directly related to the person I subbed for, not a state of being that whomever was around managed to take advantage of. The idea of submitting to someone who doesn't really know me does nothing for me, realistically. The most fulfilling D/s experiences have been with people I'd developed vanilla (for lack of a better term) relationships with. When I was without a Dom, I felt lost and out of place, but I don't know if that's because I was craving the submission or just missing the person who wasn't around anymore. Anyone else felt like this?

Yes.

I've felt something like that, though from the other side of the coin. I'm no hedonist, I don't care for play parties, I don't feel the need to show off what I have, I don't share, I don't want to play with other's toys or subs, for the most part I'm very self contained. I don't care spit about the opinion of the world, I never asked for anyone's approval, there's damn little I've asked of this world. All I ever really wanted was someone to call my own, someone to take my hand and walk this world with me... to share my road.

I am dominant by nature... but not domineering. The Dom in me isn't there for just anyone, I don't feel the need nor have the desire to dom just anyone or everyone. The only one I want to dom is the one I call my own. Its not something to be shared with others, not put on public display, its not for the eyes of others. There is a part of me the world never sees... never gets more than a brief glimpse of, some vague hint of... and that part is there just for her, as she is just for me.

Call it being old fashioned, call it being a stick in the mud, tell me I'm out of step with the world, tell me I'm not joining in, not part of the game... then ask me if I care... I never did. Tell me I'm closed minded, tell me I'm not participating, tell me I'm missing the party... the answer is still the same. If you're figuring out I'm a stubborn Irishman who isn't going to change to suit anyone but himself, you're catching on. Others will do what they will, that's their choice and fine for them... I've my own road to travel, my own path to follow, my own drummer to march to... its a narrow road to be sure, sometimes hard and rocky, not much room for crowds... and only someone special will come walk that road with me.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/22/2005 1:41:39 AM   
MissDiandSirHugh


Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
Status: offline 		You ar'nt lost or unsure in any way what so ever as with all relationships if there is something missing a void is left making every thing seem so strange no matter inside or out in public.
We never take our life of either being Doms or just enjoying an open marriage out side our walls into public life and if we do its to some place only we and those with us are attending like campeing at secluded places.
If in public then we are all friends and nothing else to enjoy the occasion together but as we are not in an area where munches and parties for our life style are held or even thought of we would not be able to comment on what may happen under those circiumstances but would dearly love to ge able to.

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/22/2005 2:09:53 AM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:


Yes.

I've felt something like that, though from the other side of the coin. I'm no hedonist, I don't care for play parties, I don't feel the need to show off what I have, I don't share, I don't want to play with other's toys or subs, for the most part I'm very self contained. I don't care spit about the opinion of the world, I never asked for anyone's approval, there's damn little I've asked of this world. All I ever really wanted was someone to call my own, someone to take my hand and walk this world with me... to share my road.

I am dominant by nature... but not domineering. The Dom in me isn't there for just anyone, I don't feel the need nor have the desire to dom just anyone or everyone. The only one I want to dom is the one I call my own. Its not something to be shared with others, not put on public display, its not for the eyes of others. There is a part of me the world never sees... never gets more than a brief glimpse of, some vague hint of... and that part is there just for her, as she is just for me.

Call it being old fashioned, call it being a stick in the mud, tell me I'm out of step with the world, tell me I'm not joining in, not part of the game... then ask me if I care... I never did. Tell me I'm closed minded, tell me I'm not participating, tell me I'm missing the party... the answer is still the same. If you're figuring out I'm a stubborn Irishman who isn't going to change to suit anyone but himself, you're catching on. Others will do what they will, that's their choice and fine for them... I've my own road to travel, my own path to follow, my own drummer to march to... its a narrow road to be sure, sometimes hard and rocky, not much room for crowds... and only someone special will come walk that road with me.



Exhale.....................


Ahhh, someone who gets it.

Thank you.

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/22/2005 3:02:05 AM   
sweetpettjenny


Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		The term you are looking for ..is you are a bottom, you can't be a submissive, you hust are or aren't . Its either in you or not.
quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

quote:

One thing I find curious- what makes you averse to going to a party as a "single woman" versus as a "submissive?" Do people at your parties really care so much?


I don't think the people at the parties care one way or the other - I imagine it's my state of mind. I guess I don't really consider my submissiveness outside of interaction with my Dom, especially in the last year or so. It's the difference between 'being A submissive' and 'being submissive' (at a particular point in time). I equate my submissiveness to the acts I perform and my relationship with the one I submit to. It seems I don't think of being submissive in more general terms.




(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/24/2005 3:07:13 PM   
ehlovindom


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

Hmmm... What kind of submission is it...

I'd have to say it's the kind of submission that works for you. Not everyone wants or needs the public lifestyle. It can be rather intimidating at times, especially for someone who is unsure what is expected of them. However, please don't think that being submissive means that you must submit to just anyone if you DID venture out to a munch or a club. Until you wear an Owner's collar, you are your own property. You call your own shots. You are under absolutely no obligation to defer or submit to anyone to whom you do not wish to submit.

My advice to you: Build your relationships on YOUR terms; know who you are and what you want; don't settle for less than what you deserve; and don't ever let anyone tell you that what works for YOU, in YOUR relationship, is wrong.




EXACTLY!


_____________________________

Know which bridge to build, which one to cross, and which one to burn!

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/27/2005 5:34:46 PM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpettjenny

The term you are looking for ..is you are a bottom, you can't be a submissive, you hust are or aren't . Its either in you or not.
quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

quote:

One thing I find curious- what makes you averse to going to a party as a "single woman" versus as a "submissive?" Do people at your parties really care so much?


I don't think the people at the parties care one way or the other - I imagine it's my state of mind. I guess I don't really consider my submissiveness outside of interaction with my Dom, especially in the last year or so. It's the difference between 'being A submissive' and 'being submissive' (at a particular point in time). I equate my submissiveness to the acts I perform and my relationship with the one I submit to. It seems I don't think of being submissive in more general terms.







Really now.......and what makes you so sure? I believe this is the first time someone has told me I wasn't a submissive. Doesn't that break one of the cardinal rules of BDSM? - "Thou shalt not tell me what I Am/Am not" LOL!!!! That just cracked me up. Seriously though, what are the rules for being a sub that I must adhere to or else risk being 'just a bottom'?

_____________________________

Never Without Love

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/29/2005 10:05:01 PM   
LADYBOA


Posts: 54
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: krikket

The only 2 people who have to be happy with that are you and your Dom..



I totally agree with you krikket... If you and your Dom are happy then don't worry about it..
I am a very private person too.. only two people outside of my playmates know that I am into the lifestyle. hehe one of them is my ex-hubby which is going to learn to Dom from me..
You have to do what feels right for you... and don't forget to talk about it with your Dom

(in reply to krikket)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/29/2005 10:09:30 PM   
LADYBOA


Posts: 54
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

I don't think the people at the parties care one way or the other - I imagine it's my state of mind. I guess I don't really consider my submissiveness outside of interaction with my Dom, especially in the last year or so. It's the difference between 'being A submissive' and 'being submissive' (at a particular point in time). I equate my submissiveness to the acts I perform and my relationship with the one I submit to. It seems I don't think of being submissive in more general terms.




Hazzah luvdragonx!! I believe the same thing!!

(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/30/2005 5:26:19 AM   
MistressMelissa


Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		After reading this thread I went back to the original post. It seems to me there are a couple of questions in here. Do you need or desire community? There is much to be learned form the observation of others interactions. I enjoy diner parties with lifestyle friends for both the conversation and seeing how they manage their property. It's also nice to have lifestyle friends to bounce different ideas or questions off of. The other question seems to be a confusion between the submission you give your Master and bottoming for a scene at a play party. Some people can only bottom for someone they care deeply about. That is your personal choice and no one should force that. As for "submitting" to others at a public event that may depend on the event. If it's a protocol event you might be expected to act with deference toward other dominants but that should be it. I don't expect someone I don't own to address me as ma'am but it sure is nice when they offer me the courtesy.

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/30/2005 8:39:35 AM   
hawk58


Posts: 51
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline 		Whether in public or in private, so long as you serve your dominant in a manner that is rewarding and fullfilling to the both of you, thats what counts.

My girl used to enjoy going to alot of demos, munches and other functions. After a while, she just got burned out. She now enjoys serving me primaritly from home. While we still do attend functions on occassion, she is happiest when at home, doing her best to please me.

Also, one should always keep in mind, there is a difference between service/submission and bottoming or playing in a scene. Again, whether in public or private, do what is best for both you and the one you serve. To thine own self be true.

Me and mine have played publically in the past. For us, it was unfullfilling. (Too many distractions and interuptions) I have allowed my girl to be topped by another dominant in a scene on occassion, at a play party. However, over time, I have found that we enjoy playing in the privacey of my bedroom, or within a party of a few select friends in the lifestyle. This is simply what works for us. Every one is different. I think its a matter of comfort levels, limits and prefferences. Do what works for you.

Be well,
-Hawk

(in reply to MistressMelissa)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/30/2005 1:37:02 PM   
ElektraUkM


Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		Where did the idea that It's Only Submission If It's In Public originate..? (if it did...)

~ Elektra

(in reply to hawk58)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/30/2005 7:11:44 PM   
MistressAkasha


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/12/2005
Status: offline 		Luvdragonx,

Your submission is wonderful...and what it should be in my opinion. It makes perfect sense to submit to someone that you have known, and are comfortable with. While I am a dominant that will be placed on a pedestal in all respects, I understand and believe that submission is very important, prized, and to receive it is a priveledge. Though a dominant might have submissives believe that they hold ALL the power, we must understand that this is not the case; one cannot do without the other.

Best Regards,
Akasha

(in reply to luvdragonx)
Profile   Post #: 39
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