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need2bused6 -> Questions for Switches (2/28/2008 6:37:04 PM)

I am a sub who has been told by several Dom's I should become a Dom or a Switch.  When I am subbing I never do anything out of my role unless ordered by my/a Dom.  In that case if I use another sub or order them around I am still a sub carrying out my duties as instructed.  I have switched and gotten good reviews as the Dom in scenes.  However I feel like I am "pretending" when I am Dominant.  I never feel that way as a sub.  This post is partially answered in several others but not complete. Yes a question is coming. How do those switches who do it well manage such a radical change?  Another post here asked why some ads state no switches apply.  In my experience and that of my friends we have had little to no success with them.  In my case as a sub I see the sub traits come out and I loose inwardly the respect I give a Dom. I still show the outward respect but it ruins the experience for me to the point I have spoken with my Dom about it and he allowed me not to switch which caused him some problems when his friends wanted me to switch from time to time,.  My thoughts are switches have too much empathy for their charges and cannot totally let go of their primary trait. 



AWingedGuardian -> RE: Questions for Switches (2/28/2008 10:29:09 PM)

Well, from what I have learned about this lifestyle, it's all about choice and what you wish to be, depending on your comforts and limitations.  For instance, if being a Sub is what you are most comfortable with, and what you enjoy doing the most, then by all means, remain a sub; if a Dom/me isn't respectful of your choice, then what is the point?  I believe that in the BDSM lifestyle, people need to have a mutual respect, in order to trust for their limits to be pressed, to expand their minds, or for anything to even downright work out well.  Considering how you noted that you felt as if you were "faking" when in the dominant role, then I would have to say that is just not something for you, although occurences in life can differentiate in how a person's mentality lies; one moment a person could be a Sub, the next a Dom/me.  A Switch in my opinion is specifically for those who are either undecided, or have the ability to please others in either role. I've found that most switches tend to be the way they are depending on their partner, whom they then accomodate.

I am not sure if this information was helpful at all...just stating my opinion...



Dmon -> RE: Questions for Switches (2/28/2008 11:13:43 PM)

A switches ablity to Dom, come from that primary state of empathy. I can't speak for Doms, but I hope I know a thing or two about it when it comes to switches. That empathy will allow you (when brought into the right fram of mind) a chance to respeact the other person's needs. There need to serve you. It's what they want, would you deny them that. Very likely, your Dom also sees things that way. It might be, that as a part of your training he's trying to get you to see it like him. See why he does it, and what it means to him, when he Tops.Now personally I've found that I never can rule those I don't understand. I feel there pain with my every torture..... But I'm a switch, I like the pain. It's odd to explain, but I get a double high. One from the power. One from how much I know my partner is into the experiance. It might work for you, and you don't need to ditch the Empathy... just sieze the power.



angelique510 -> RE: Questions for Switches (2/28/2008 11:51:39 PM)


Dmon makes a good point. I have gotten a sense of fulfillment because my subs were so pleased with me and that I gave them something they needed. (Would that be "bottoming from the top"? LOL) But I also enjoy them looking up to me, and having the power to give them pain or pleasure at my discretion.

I don't understand why so many find switches hard to understand. As social creatures, we are instinctively aware of hierarchy, whether consciously or not. I just naturally fall into my status, either above or below the other person, based on their merits. If they show themselves as being of a higher rank, it is my instinct to be submissive. If they show they are of a lower rank than me, I naturally take my place as dominant.

To my observation, this occurs in all areas of life, not just relationships. And one's position may change depending on the situation. I may rank well above someone when it comes to cooking, for example, but rank below that same person when it comes to auto repair. We are all both teachers and students, leaders or followers. It is just a question of what we are doing and with whom we are doing it.

Why should BDSM be any different?

~A

(Yeah!! No more ice cream cone next to my name.)



Dmon -> RE: Questions for Switches (2/29/2008 1:26:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelique510


Dmon makes a good point. I have gotten a sense of fulfillment because my subs were so pleased with me and that I gave them something they needed. (Would that be "bottoming from the top"? LOL) But I also enjoy them looking up to me, and having the power to give them pain or pleasure at my discretion.

I don't understand why so many find switches hard to understand. As social creatures, we are instinctively aware of hierarchy, whether consciously or not. I just naturally fall into my status, either above or below the other person, based on their merits. If they show themselves as being of a higher rank, it is my instinct to be submissive. If they show they are of a lower rank than me, I naturally take my place as dominant.

To my observation, this occurs in all areas of life, not just relationships. And one's position may change depending on the situation. I may rank well above someone when it comes to cooking, for example, but rank below that same person when it comes to auto repair. We are all both teachers and students, leaders or followers. It is just a question of what we are doing and with whom we are doing it.

Why should BDSM be any different?

~A

(Yeah!! No more ice cream cone next to my name.)



If you'll all pardon my french.


Well, fucking, said



angelique510 -> RE: Questions for Switches (2/29/2008 2:43:34 AM)


Many people have said, "pardon" and "fucking" in reply to a comment I have made, but never quite so complimentarily.

Thank you very much.
~A



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Questions for Switches (2/29/2008 7:20:48 AM)

It all depends on chemistry with the other person in my experience. How comfortable with them you are in each role, and, whether the power exchange at the time really is just an 'act' or if it is genuine. If a dom asks me to top briefly, but I am expected to still be his sub afterwards, then it often does feel like an act. I just treat it as a role playing scene, I step into character, and out of it again later. It doesn't have to feel exactly like 'you' it just needs to be enjoyable. I have some experience with acting, and with LARPing, so stepping in and out of a role isn't so akward for me.

The real problem might be, what is it you ENJOY most? Do you like topping or is it merely 'one more task' on a list of orders from a dom? Do you only like topping in particular context, or do you want the freedom to do it in your own time and style instead of at the command and behest of others?



DesFIP -> RE: Questions for Switches (2/29/2008 1:06:11 PM)

If you feel comfortable topping under another's direction, that's a lot different than wanting to top by yourself. I've seen that referred to as 'middling', simply because you're neither the top nor the bottom in the scene.

As far as people who say you should become a top or a switch, just say "thank you, I do think I'm getting the hang of using implements fairly well but that's a lot different than wanting to be in charge". Take it as a poorly expressed compliment to your technical skills.  Just because the IT guy can operate the CEO's computer  better doesn't mean he really ought to be CEO, or wants to.



BlackPhx -> RE: Questions for Switches (2/29/2008 1:19:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: need2bused6

How do those switches who do it well manage such a radical change? 


I am guessing I am a bit different from the majority of switches you may get a response from.  I am a sado-masochist not a submissive and get equal pleasure from torment and being tormented. While I bow my head to my Master, there is no one else who can demand that from me at least without knowing they have been in a major fight for control. I could not switch with my Master and still see him as such. However I have no problem with have a sub under my control or in playing with someone with him.

If you are pretending, doing it only because it pleases you dominant then in my mind, you are an obedient submissive but not a switch. You would not be happy in the role permanently. Not matter what, Top, Bottom, Switch or not, you have to get something from the acts, not just give. Mutual Pleasure of some sort.

poenkitten aka MC



need2bused6 -> RE: Questions for Switches (2/29/2008 6:01:48 PM)

Thank you all for your answers they all have helped my understanding.  Part of the problem is terms used and I was not as clear as I could be.  I am a sub who will do as ordered by my Dom.  A good example is he makes his own toy's a flogger in this case.  Actually this is the one I had the most trouble with.  He tested every new toy on himself.  I hung him from the rafters and flogged him as he demanded.  He had a safe word he never used.  The next day he was in pain and said I had done as he asked.  That did not feel fake flogging him was the hard part.  Even when ordered hitting your Dom is not easy. .Another time we were at a party and a Dom wanted me to bind and flog his sub.  That did not feel fake.  My problem is when I don't have a Dom and a sub approaches me wanting to be Dominated.  I know the need and feel like he will not get he same experience  from me a Dom would give him.  To be clear I am not belittling a switch nor do I think less of them for being a switch.  If you are happy as such  I think it's great.  But like any sexual practice either its for you or not.



Dmon -> RE: Questions for Switches (3/2/2008 9:56:57 AM)

All I'm saying is a decent master is also very much a guide. Let him guide you, so you can become the image he wants you to be.



LadyLynx -> RE: Questions for Switches (3/2/2008 10:02:15 AM)

For me, it all depends on the energy of the other person.  Recently I had a session,(where I fully intended to submit, and did for alittle while,but ended up Domming him, Damn, but it was HOT!! lol. When I 1st starting topping, it felt wierd, like I was going thru the motions, but then I relaxed and just enjoyed myself.



TaintedEyes -> RE: Questions for Switches (3/4/2008 3:45:41 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: need2bused6

I am a sub who has been told by several Dom's I should become a Dom or a Switch. When I am subbing I never do anything out of my role unless ordered by my/a Dom. In that case if I use another sub or order them around I am still a sub carrying out my duties as instructed. I have switched and gotten good reviews as the Dom in scenes. However I feel like I am "pretending" when I am Dominant. I never feel that way as a sub. This post is partially answered in several others but not complete. Yes a question is coming. How do those switches who do it well manage such a radical change? Another post here asked why some ads state no switches apply. In my experience and that of my friends we have had little to no success with them. In my case as a sub I see the sub traits come out and I loose inwardly the respect I give a Dom. I still show the outward respect but it ruins the experience for me to the point I have spoken with my Dom about it and he allowed me not to switch which caused him some problems when his friends wanted me to switch from time to time,. My thoughts are switches have too much empathy for their charges and cannot totally let go of their primary trait.



I see it that there are multiple levels of switching and of submission. I consider myself an alpha switch. I generally dominate save for a proper dominant I find worth submitting to. In my case, it is the opposite of yours. You ask how such a radical change is handled, it is more of a baser instinct than anything.

You feel as if you are pretending because you are. You claim yourself as a sub, and only act out when requested. If you wanted to branch out into more switch/dom roles, it would have to be something you felt was necessary as a part of your life. You can't be something you're not, at least not for long.

If submissive traits in a dom are something that upsets you, perhaps it is necessary to find yourself a mentor who takes a stance against such things, who commands full submission and no exceptions.

When you say a switches primary trait, there is none. That is why they switch. They may lean one way or another, and eventually change, but a true switch honestly does exactly that. They love it, live it, strive for more of it, and each interaction is different. You must simply figure out where your passion lies and go there. Other people may give advice, but only you can choose what is it you need.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Questions for Switches (3/4/2008 5:30:51 AM)

Perhaps it would help to seperate Dominating and submitting from Topping and bottoming. Ds is mental and Tb is physical. So, you're a good Top, but still a submissive in mindset.

Master Fire



Hollywood7Star -> RE: Questions for Switches (3/4/2008 10:54:11 PM)

 
Well said taintedeyes :)



selena13 -> RE: Questions for Switches (3/5/2008 8:09:08 AM)

The world so dearly loves a box. Switches get some people's panties in a bunch b/c they don't know which box to put us in. By our very definition, we can't be easily catagorized  - and that can play out in very unattractive ways when others become rude.

I like to believe switches "get" the duality of human existence.

"Those that mind, don't matter. Those that matter, don't mind."



TaintedEyes -> RE: Questions for Switches (3/8/2008 11:14:47 PM)

Thanks Hollywood!

Just dropping my $0.02 in the big bank of forums. Glad my ravings make sense at times.


xxo



Stephann -> RE: Questions for Switches (3/9/2008 1:01:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TaintedEyes


quote:

ORIGINAL: need2bused6

I am a sub who has been told by several Dom's I should become a Dom or a Switch. When I am subbing I never do anything out of my role unless ordered by my/a Dom. In that case if I use another sub or order them around I am still a sub carrying out my duties as instructed. I have switched and gotten good reviews as the Dom in scenes. However I feel like I am "pretending" when I am Dominant. I never feel that way as a sub. This post is partially answered in several others but not complete. Yes a question is coming. How do those switches who do it well manage such a radical change? Another post here asked why some ads state no switches apply. In my experience and that of my friends we have had little to no success with them. In my case as a sub I see the sub traits come out and I loose inwardly the respect I give a Dom. I still show the outward respect but it ruins the experience for me to the point I have spoken with my Dom about it and he allowed me not to switch which caused him some problems when his friends wanted me to switch from time to time,. My thoughts are switches have too much empathy for their charges and cannot totally let go of their primary trait.



I see it that there are multiple levels of switching and of submission. I consider myself an alpha switch. I generally dominate save for a proper dominant I find worth submitting to. In my case, it is the opposite of yours. You ask how such a radical change is handled, it is more of a baser instinct than anything.

You feel as if you are pretending because you are. You claim yourself as a sub, and only act out when requested. If you wanted to branch out into more switch/dom roles, it would have to be something you felt was necessary as a part of your life. You can't be something you're not, at least not for long.

If submissive traits in a dom are something that upsets you, perhaps it is necessary to find yourself a mentor who takes a stance against such things, who commands full submission and no exceptions.

When you say a switches primary trait, there is none. That is why they switch. They may lean one way or another, and eventually change, but a true switch honestly does exactly that. They love it, live it, strive for more of it, and each interaction is different. You must simply figure out where your passion lies and go there. Other people may give advice, but only you can choose what is it you need.



Hiya need,

To me, you sound like a submissive who's good at dominating, but doesn't care to do it.  It's not unlike someone who loves eating a great meal, is a good cook, but doesn't care to cook.  It doesn't hurt to do something you don't particularly enjoy from time to time, so long as the end result is something that you're satisfied with, ultimately.  We do things we don't enjoy all the time, for one reason or another.  What's more important, is if you're satisfied at the end of the day (week, weekend, etc) with how you've spent your time and energy.  My slave is...well, clearly a slave.  She's never had a chance to switch before, and a couple weeks ago I instructed her to give her first spanking to another slave.  I'm not interested in making her into a switch or female dominant, but I do want her to explore that aspect of herself so that she knows (instead of just thinking) that it's something she doesn't enjoy.

Hi Tainted Eyes,

I think your assessment of need is good, but I disagree that she shouldn't branch out if told to.  As I illustrated, part of someone's service might be to perform activities that they don't necessarily enjoy.  It's not all about what the submissive wants.  I agree, there's risks in encouraging a submissive to act 'outside of their role' but I don't think that's the same as saying 'never.'  Switches can often have a primary trait, there's nothing true about it either way.  I think someone who enjoys dominating 80% of the time and submitting 20% of the time would 'primarily' be a dominant (not too uncommon for female dominants I've known.)  I'd consider such a person to be a switch, even though they'd usually identify as a dominant.  Fortunately, there's no World Organization of United Dominants around to revoke their membership [;)]

Stephan



CelticPrince -> RE: Questions for Switches (3/9/2008 11:24:27 AM)

quote:

"Those that mind, don't matter. Those that matter, don't mind."


selena,

A truely excellent point.

CP



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