A few more jokes

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dom_dotcom -> A few more jokes (2/28/2008 6:50:42 PM)
OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS For Women: 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money Spent: $26.00 Oil Change $1.00 Coffee ---------------- Total: $27.00 For Men: 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. 29. Begin cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands 39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 40. Test drive car 41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence. 42. Car gets impounded. 43. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee --------------------------- Total: $1337

dom_dotcom -> RE: A few more jokes (2/28/2008 6:51:53 PM)
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Would you remarry?" asked the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" she asked. "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed! [:-]

dom_dotcom -> RE: A few more jokes (2/28/2008 6:53:02 PM)
A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn't have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer. The pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side (not a typical pastor), so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them. Sure enough, about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"? He asked. She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not the WD-40!" [;)]

dom_dotcom -> RE: A few more jokes (2/28/2008 6:54:04 PM)
On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a Bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4x4 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the Bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper ofthe farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life! The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks !!

dom_dotcom -> RE: A few more jokes (2/28/2008 6:55:07 PM)
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!" "Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Oh, no, no, no, Doctor, the sex was fine indeed! "'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!" [:D]

BlackPhx -> RE: A few more jokes (2/28/2008 6:56:42 PM)
Ba-Dum-Dum!!! LOL poenkitten

dom_dotcom -> RE: A few more jokes (2/28/2008 6:57:11 PM)
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.. [;)] Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-oldgrandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!' [sm=ofcourse.gif]

dom_dotcom -> RE: A few more jokes (2/28/2008 8:04:16 PM)
A Newfoundland family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Newfoundland facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a mainland home. After a few weeks in the Sydney facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson... "It's wonderful! everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here.... he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!" "There is a judge in here.... he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!" "There's a dentist here.... 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!" "And me.... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'That Fucking Newfie'."

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