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is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub?


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is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/20/2005 9:33:28 PM   
dasboot


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/6/2005
Status: offline 		by virgin i mean a full fledged virgin, not just a scene vigrin...

i read a forum where a Domme said that such a combination is a major red flag... Her reasoning was something like... if someone is a virgin but knows they like to be tied up, then they are a psycho...

is that true? I'll humour You and simply say that i 'know a guy' who is only 19 but also a virgin and into bdsm... this guy is real submissive and has these fantasies about submitting but hasn't had sex...

did this guy just not develop like a normal person? he fell through the grid? lost the plot? psycho? weirdo?

i guess what im asking is also about where does submission emerge from... is it like how some people are just born gay... so some people are born submissive? is it supposed to be what people who are tired of vanilla sex get into to spice up their lives?

it seems like the Domme who made that comment is suggesting that if your submissive before you've tried vanilla stuff, then your seriously fucked up, excuse my french... with emotional bagade...

because the 'guy i know' falls into the catagory of being a virgin who is into bdsm... he is worrying about this preconception,

thankYou

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/20/2005 10:23:00 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I don't see any big surprise in this. After all I had domination fantasies when I was still a virgin. It was just easier to get fucked back then than to find a submissive so I lost one virginity before the other. Things are more open now so I'm not surprised that people are chasing their fantasies while they are still sexual virgins.

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/20/2005 10:30:46 PM   
Ojedieu


Posts: 142
Joined: 1/17/2005
From: Michigan
Status: offline 		No it's not weird das, lots of us remember having bdsm oriented fantasies long before we really even knew what sex really was.

I can't speak for the poster to whom you refer, but I think she said it was a red flag for her because there is a lot of emotional stuff going on when you make your first foray into a sexual relationship. Personally, I think it's probably best that two virgins hook up and de-virginize (is that a word? ) each other, either that of meet with someone who has some experience but not a whole lot more than you. It just seems when you're starting out, if you're both new to it, you can discover it together and be each other's support system.

Many of those who have "been there, done that" a lot, don't really have the temperament to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions that come out when someone has been intimate for the first time.


Take care!



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Ojedieu

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/21/2005 6:57:15 AM   
MistressJan


Posts: 42
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline 		She may have wanted to use a better choice of words, but she don't have to because she is a Domme. That is the first thing.
As a young girl, I started fantasizing with BDSM. I did not understand it back then because we did not have the net to search all of this out.
As far as being psyco, that is dead wrong; however, one who has not been into bdsm certainly wants to be cautious when pursuing their first sexual encounter.
I question the fact that he is 19. I personally think older adults enjoy the BDSM scene more than someone that young. From my own expereince at that age, it is all about sex and fantasy to them not a lifestle.

Respectfully,

Mistress_Jan


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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/21/2005 8:05:33 AM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		I had my first clear dominantion fantasy when I was about 6. Before I had any idea what -sex- was, I knew I wanted/liked/needed some type of ownership/belonging to.

Heck, I didn't lose my virginiity till well after I became invovled with my first long-term partners.

quote:


I question the fact that he is 19. I personally think older adults enjoy the BDSM scene more than someone that young. From my own expereince at that age, it is all about sex and fantasy to them not a lifestle.


I'd have to disagree here, at least spesifically. I think these kinds of generalizations tend to be problematic because things simply can't be applied that accross the board.

Sure the sexual part was nice, but I have a feeling it's still nice to people five times my age, or the age when I started.

When I first began, there was an innately sexual element, yes, but absolutly nothing overt. My first relationship focused on s&m play and service. We were all right around 18. I've met enough people to know I'm not the exception to the rule.

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/21/2005 5:11:10 PM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ojedieu

I can't speak for the poster to whom you refer, but I think she said it was a red flag for her because there is a lot of emotional stuff going on when you make your first foray into a sexual relationship. Personally, I think it's probably best that two virgins hook up and de-virginize (is that a word? ) each other, either that of meet with someone who has some experience but not a whole lot more than you. It just seems when you're starting out, if you're both new to it, you can discover it together and be each other's support system.




It is not weird, das, but this is still the advice that I give to the sweet young things that contact me as well. I may not want a typically romantic relationship with my submissive, but I do want a relationship with my submissive. Youth and enthusiasm are wonderful, but young inexperienced subs are just too close to my students.

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a.k.a. "mean Lady"


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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/21/2005 5:21:10 PM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		I've known a few young subs who were also virgins, and some of their fantasies centered around a Domme "taking" them for the first time. The subs I knew were also very shy, and it made sense that they had ideas of a mature woman taking control of them, relieving them of the responsibility of taking control of the situation themselves.

Be well,
Julie

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/21/2005 5:33:12 PM   
MistressGrace07


Posts: 100
Joined: 7/29/2005
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		hey I've been a Domme and a sub for 3 years... and still a virgin... no one said you couldn't be in the scene and be a sexual virgin.

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/21/2005 5:34:27 PM   
MistressGrace07


Posts: 100
Joined: 7/29/2005
From: Chicago
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressJan
I question the fact that he is 19. I personally think older adults enjoy the BDSM scene more than someone that young. From my own expereince at that age, it is all about sex and fantasy to them not a lifestle.

Respectfully,

Mistress_Jan




I disagree too.. I'm 23.. VERY much a lifestyler.. and I know a lot of TNG people who are very serious about lifestyle.

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/21/2005 5:57:43 PM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

No it's not weird das, lots of us remember having bdsm oriented fantasies long before we really even knew what sex really was.



::laffin::

Reminds me of a night MANY moons ago...with my first sexual partner in a hotel room...him putting on my skirt and dancing around in it and me laughing my ass off...

Yep...the fantasies were there a LONG time before I started sorting them out and found my first sub when I was all of 23.

Best advice I could say to a virgin at that age though? Find an open minded girlfriend who is in that age group and willing to experiment. Then? HAVE FUN.

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Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/22/2005 1:42:31 PM   
Roo654


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		i have been into the whole 'being controlled' thing since i was about 14. i used to find girls online who would control me via webcam. All this was waaay before i actually had sex.

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/22/2005 1:54:16 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

As a lot of people have said, virginity doesn't really have to do with legitimate BDSM desires. I'm a femdom who also was engaging in bondage and roleplaying as a virgin for years. I tied up guys before ever having my first orgasm. I followed my own urges, so even things like making out/heavy petting included playfully holding my date's wrists down or ordering him to hold still, etc. I was exploring what felt natural and exciting to me, and it didn't have to do with sex at all. Later on when my sexuality developed, my femdom side grew along with it.

I'd even suggest that male subs who engage in bdsm as virgins might end up even more well rounded and not so "dick focussed" as a lot of older subs who only associate BDSM with them having an orgasm, or with the focus of the bdsm on their cock. The same goes with the way they view their female partners -- some subs are entirely too focussed on a woman's pussy and not the entire picture. That is -- what actually makes her *tick* as a femdom -- how can he push *those* buttons -- not just obsess over whether or not he's going to get to go down on her.

Even with totally non kinky situations, I don't think there's anything wrong with a guy who has plenty of experience with sensuality but none with actual sexual intercourse. These guys learn to be better kissers, learn how to touch and caress, and learn a lot more about foreplay.

Akasha

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/22/2005 2:11:55 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline 		Long before I was interested in any "Tab A/Slot B" interaction, I knew that I was wired differently from the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. I was 13 or 14 at the time.

~stef

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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/23/2005 4:45:01 PM   
Roo654


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		lol, glad i wasnt to only kid into this sorta stuff ;)

(in reply to stef)
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RE: is it weird to be a virgin and want to be a sub? - 9/24/2005 5:01:05 PM   
MsPurrmeow


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dasboot
is that true? I'll humour You and simply say that i 'know a guy' who is only 19 but also a virgin and into bdsm... this guy is real submissive and has these fantasies about submitting but hasn't had sex...


I would look further into what these fantasies are? Is his idea of "submission" based on sex? If so, why? Does he need to be in a submissive position to have sex for the first time? or is it because he's capable of separating the two things? (If so, Kudos for him)

These questions will lead you (ahem, your friend) to the answers.
Submission can be, and is for a lot of people, about more than sex. It can be about a lifestyle, a life choice, a relationship type, or just personal fulfillment. Getting the third leg some nasty action can be something completely different. For all we know, the virginal condition could just be a matter of opportunity. Asking more questions is the only way to know why and how.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dasboot
because the 'guy i know' falls into the catagory of being a virgin who is into bdsm... he is worrying about this preconception,


He needs to stop worrying. He needs to have an open mind. "This guy' is letting the opinion of one person cloud his own views. Eveyrone is different. If this guy read through the rest of the posts on that topic, he would find that there were MANY other opinions as well as darn good reasons why each person felt their particular way. Finding out why 'this guy' latched on to the one negative remark from one poster rather than seeing all the positive reinforcement that was provided might also provide 'this guy' with some good information about his own thinking processes.

Good luck in your endeavors,
Purr

(in reply to dasboot)
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