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Making a Smooth Transition - 9/20/2005 11:28:31 PM

ManOwner

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Sacramento, California
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Most of us have learned from experience that jumping right into a scene on a first meeting with someone is ill-advised. I don't want to dominate someone I don't know or like, and building that rapport takes time. Thus, I put forth a three part question. First, how do you spend getting-to-know-you time with somone without having it resemble vanilla dating, which repels guys that are into submission? Second, how long do you typically wait before starting to "play"? Finally, how do you keep the transition from being abrupt or awkward?

Post #: 1

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 1:50:52 AM

eslave

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/26/2004
Status: offline

From a male sub's point of view (and experience), each time i met a RL Domme, the "getting-to-know-you" time was spent at restaurants and bars/lounges and made of lots of talking. But while the suroundings were 100% vanilla, none of us forgot Her/his place. There never was play by itself, but this was sometime as enjoyable as pure play as there was an important sexual overtone to it and lots of intimacy. She would be adressed as "Madam", i will tend to Her every need during the diner and i will answer each and every question with the greated truthfulness and respect. The conversation, of course, always started by civilities and more mundane subjects, then took a left at the "how we met" intersection (You know, remembering what got O/our attention at each other and what we liked in Her/him and, if W/we met online, how most of the Dommes/subs there are all fakes). Then the conversation usually went the "what's your experience, boy ?" route. That's soon followed by "so why should I spend time training you ?" and of course the nut & bolts of play such as "what do you like / dislike / are your limits". Of course at each stage, the Domme fed me with Her inputs, remarks and preferences too. At that time this is still a democratic process ;)

All in all, i'd say that to avoid repeling the potential male sub with a vanilla looking diner, a Domme just has to be Herself : making sure that this potential sub does not forget his place and adresses and treat Her as She deserve. A sub who would not enjoy that because there is no "real" (read : sexual) play involved would probably be more of a kinky "do-me" sub anyway. For the Domme to ask, at a vanilla restaurant, why Her glass has been empty for the last 5 minutes, is a great way to assert Her role without actually playing.

As for the second question, time before play, this is highly variable. This could take just one meeting or several, as She sees fit and She feels like. I have not met that much Dommes that i did not know at all before (online), so my experience in this area is limited, but i'd say most of them did play by the second meeting. Of course, the time between both meets is well used by email or msn conversations, as needed.
Things can be usually a lot faster with Dommes that happen to play with me or use me briefly in a public party (without even knowing my firstname !) and then decide to accept my phone number. Then, the "getting-to-know-you" time is usually integrated during the next few light-play meets. And things are wayyy longer with Dommes that actually were not really Dommes when we met :)

The third question : transition. That has never been a problem in my experience. If right from the start the Domme asserted Her role, even without playing, the tension built and the setting is already there for play to happen. It just has to be at Her convenience. For the Dommes i met online, they usually either picked me up at our meeting point and just drove me home, then ask me to disrobe, kneel, fix a drink or whatever They felt like, or for one of Them asked me to rent an hotel room on a specific night and tell Her the adress & room number.
At a couple occasion did the meeting start like the first one, at a restaurant, only to have the Domme be more assertive, building more tension and asking me if i was still ok with Her training me. She would then bring me home at the end of the diner, usually with a "now let's see what you're worth" kind of line.
If i could offer an advice, Madam ManOwner, i'd say not to fear the transition to be abrupt or awkward. That sub just is *dying* to play with You. Just grab him.

That was my 0.2cts, based on my modest experience. i hope i this can be helpful to You Madam.

eslave.

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 2

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 12:34:26 PM

ManOwner

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

Thanks, that was really great.

(in reply to eslave)

Post #: 3

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 4:33:39 PM

ManOwner

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

I was sort of hoping others might have something to add here. I started this topic because I thougt it would be an interesting topic that hasn't been done to death on here.

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 4

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 5:29:28 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ManOwner

Most of us have learned from experience that jumping right into a scene on a first meeting with someone is ill-advised. I don't want to dominate someone I don't know or like, and building that rapport takes time. Thus, I put forth a three part question. First, how do you spend getting-to-know-you time with somone without having it resemble vanilla dating, which repels guys that are into submission? Second, how long do you typically wait before starting to "play"? Finally, how do you keep the transition from being abrupt or awkward?

Well, personally, this is difficult for me to respond to because my first meetings with a submissive do resemble vanilla meetings. I tell them I'm "off the clock." lol I only dom people *I've* selected, and I haven't decided that first meetings, or second, usually. Judging by their response, I've never seen it "repel" submissive guys, but then one doesn't have to overtly dominate someone to be recognized as a dominant person.

While I don't have a typical wait time, I can say that I usually have decided after a couple of meetings whether I think there's any point to continue. If the answer is yes, they may be allowed to cook for me, and then nature takes its course.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 5

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 5:37:30 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

I personally need to get to know a sub on a vanilla basis first. If he is unable to participate with me on that level, we will not move to anything BDSM related. My first meetings are always vanilla, and typically with someone who I have spent some time getting to know online and by phone initially. I might get a little playful in my words and show a bit of my Domme side on a first meeting, but it doesn't go beyond that. I usually know after a first meeting if I want to pursue more on the next meeting.

When I do meet to play with a new person, it's again based on having had numerous conversations about interests, limits, fantasies, and other things prior to a play meeting. I tend to set the scene from the start and have a specific greeting the sub does when he comes to my home. From there it tends to unfold in whatever way I am feeling. I think there are always going to be some awkward moments when you play with someone new, but feeling comfortable with the person on many levels helps the transition to play.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 6

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 6:50:57 PM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn

I personally need to get to know a sub on a vanilla basis first. If he is unable to participate with me on that level, we will not move to anything BDSM related. My first meetings are always vanilla, and typically with someone who I have spent some time getting to know online and by phone initially. I might get a little playful in my words and show a bit of my Domme side on a first meeting, but it doesn't go beyond that. I usually know after a first meeting if I want to pursue more on the next meeting.

When I do meet to play with a new person, it's again based on having had numerous conversations about interests, limits, fantasies, and other things prior to a play meeting. I tend to set the scene from the start and have a specific greeting the sub does when he comes to my home. From there it tends to unfold in whatever way I am feeling. I think there are always going to be some awkward moments when you play with someone new, but feeling comfortable with the person on many levels helps the transition to play.

I waited a bit, to see other responses...and now I can say, with confidence (and ease) that I completely agree with what Julie posted.

Saved me some time typing too.

K

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 7

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 7:25:47 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

First, how do you spend getting-to-know-you time with somone without having it resemble vanilla dating, which repels guys that are into submission?

Actually vanilla style is the only way I do get to know someone, though we will usually start with something simple/easy (cheap, lol) like coffee shop, or a bar, to have a drink, relax and converse.

quote:

Second, how long do you typically wait before starting to "play"? Finally, how do you keep the transition from being abrupt or awkward?

I only wait until we are both comfortable enough to talk about/explore intimate issues, and that depends on how much interacting we've done before the meeting, and how much chemistry we have after the meeting. I don't stand by any absolute rule other that I feel comfortable, he feels comfortable, and we find each other hot.

How to keep the transition from being abrupt? We talk about interests first, keep expectations low, slowly try different things over time, because I don't want to have performance anxiety, and don't want him to feel overwhelmed. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 8

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 7:30:20 PM

ManOwner

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

Thanks for the feedback. I had been advised by another Domme that sub males respond to power, and that I should always remind them who is in charge, even when we meet for the first time. I feel that perhaps I have not been doing that enough, nor had I set down rules and expectations for how I expected them to treat me. I thought it was too soon, but then nothing ever seemed to get going because things remained too casual and I let them have too much control. That is why my profile now says that I expect a slave to contact me every day, and he will be available to me whenever I want. I have gotten responses from men who say they like those rules, which to me is a good sign. I think I've finally found an effective way to weed out the wankers.

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

Post #: 9

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 7:44:59 PM

MistressGrace07

Posts: 100
Joined: 7/29/2005
From: Chicago
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ManOwner

Most of us have learned from experience that jumping right into a scene on a first meeting with someone is ill-advised.

It is?

There are some people I do it with.. and those are usually the ones who last... :)

_____________________________

My Journal

"Let me make this as monosyllabic as possible" - Captain Amelia in "Treasure Planet"

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 10

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 7:45:02 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Thanks for the feedback. I had been advised by another Domme that sub males respond to power, and that I should always remind them who is in charge, even when we meet for the first time.

I know what you mean, as I was a bit stressed when I began going out with my first "slave" as he did want proof that I had what it takes; in the long run, it turned out we were incompatible, but not because I couldn't or wouldn't be dominant enough.
I believe all I can do is show up and be myself, which is generally a confident lady who expects the man to be a gentleman, open doors for me, not walk in front of me (unless it's to open door for me), treat me with the respect he would treat any other lady, and share with me what he is about as well as show interest in the person sitting accross from him.

If a man does not know what it means to be a gentleman, and treat women with care and respect, than we don't even get to my gently suggesting some things to him on our first meetings.
I cannot assume that simply because I'm meeting a man for a first or second time he will want me to dominate him, so we have to get to know each other, feel one another's comfort zones, than talk about maybe going to the next level. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 11

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 7:51:11 PM

ManOwner

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

quote:

MistressGrace07:

There are some people I do it with.. and those are usually the ones who last... :)

Lucky you!

quote:

BlkTallFullfig:

not walk in front of me

I know! What's up with that? I met a somewhat experienced guy once who actually walked about six to nine feet in front of me. I didnt say anything because I wanted to see whether he would correct himself. He didn't.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 12

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/21/2005 10:10:41 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I think I've finally found an effective way to weed out the wankers.

I don't know that saying rules are good is necessarily weeding the wankers as somewhere in there does have to come the discussion about the wifey that "just doesn't understand____". And we can't forget the online only kinky boys & Do-me's that flat out lie about the wife till later.

I think the structured nilla introductions work best...at least for me. Initial behavior expectations are outlined & from then on I conduct it as a job interview. Firm & confident but also very attentive to what they are telling me sometimes to the point of taking notes.

I think that enslave's view is very insightful as well.

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 13

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/22/2005 12:49:26 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ManOwner

quote:

MistressGrace07:

There are some people I do it with.. and those are usually the ones who last... :)

Lucky you!

quote:

BlkTallFullfig:

not walk in front of me

I know! What's up with that? I met a somewhat experienced guy once who actually walked about six to nine feet in front of me. I didnt say anything because I wanted to see whether he would correct himself. He didn't.

Experienced or not, that's just plain rude. I hope you didn't give him a second date.

As for your other questions, like many people have pointed out, a lot of femdoms prefer to know someone on a vanilla level first anyway. Otherwise, for all you know he's just after one thing. If you feel like you have to offer "femdom vibes" or "keep him interested" by inserting dominance into a date or courting situation, you're a performing pony for his jollies.

I can't imagine having to try to figure out when to be dominant and when to not, or base my actions on what I think he wants to see. Dominance to me isn't about servicing a guy's fantasy.

My dominance comes through naturally in the way I flirt. When there is attraction, a man can tell I'm predatory about him. It's nothing I manufacture or turn off or on. It may come out relatively quickly or may not; either way, it's when it feels right.

So many femdoms seem to try to fit into a role they think defines what subs expect of them. I find that to be backwards. Dominance is about listening to the inner lust/femdom beast that makes a femdom tick -- subs respond first and foremost to sincere confidence and desire. They want a woman who doesn't dominate him based on what he wants, but dominates from an honest, instinctive part of her that uses his kinks, fantasies, desires, fears to feed her own hunger.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 14

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/22/2005 2:44:47 AM

eslave

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
If you feel like you have to offer "femdom vibes" or "keep him interested" by inserting dominance into a date or courting situation, you're a performing pony for his jollies.

i never thought it that way... it really makes sense. Of course, the Domme should not have to act on Her sub's fantasy, be it the first date or anytime after that. Being "Dommy" or being "subby" on purpose is ill-advised, especially during that first meet. But at the same time if none of both parties can feel the Dominance / submissiveness of the other, nothing will happen either. Those "underneath feelings" in an otherwise vanilla settings are essential, i believe.

Well, i guess both parties juste have to be T/themselve and see if they connect... talk about me stating the obvious :(

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
My dominance comes through naturally in the way I flirt. When there is attraction, a man can tell I'm predatory about him. It's nothing I manufacture or turn off or on. It may come out relatively quickly or may not; either way, it's when it feels right.

EXACTLY (oops, sorry about those caps. Guess i might easely get too excited).
As a sub i've met women that were not "BDSM aware" but who radiated that predatory and "i'm in control" thing that made me immediatly subservient to them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
So many femdoms seem to try to fit into a role they think defines what subs expect of them. I find that to be backwards. Dominance is about listening to the inner lust/femdom beast that makes a femdom tick -- subs respond first and foremost to sincere confidence and desire. They want a woman who doesn't dominate him based on what he wants, but dominates from an honest, instinctive part of her that uses his kinks, fantasies, desires, fears to feed her own hunger.

Oh boy... now that i see it so clearly explained, it makes me ashamed of my foggy thought i tried to explain :) i guess there's nothing to add there !

Dominance & submissiveness will find their way to each other even in the most vanilla setting if they're natural and honest.

eslave.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 15

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/22/2005 7:02:33 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ManOwner
I had been advised by another Domme that sub males respond to power, and that I should always remind them who is in charge, even when we meet for the first time. I feel that perhaps I have not been doing that enough, nor had I set down rules and expectations for how I expected them to treat me. I thought it was too soon, but then nothing ever seemed to get going because things remained too casual and I let them have too much control.

I do think there are many men that want the woman to "always" be in charge, but it's not something I enjoy when first meeting, or starting a fresh relationship.

I actually don't want a 24/7 D/s relationship, so in fact, I just don't want to "always" be the one in control...to make decisions 100% of the time on EVERYTHING he does, or as I see it...do most of the work in establishing the relationship. He's gotta have some initiative and independent thought, and if I'm in control "all" the time, over "all" he does...what does he do? Hardly satisfying to me.

Because I'm seeking a loving LTR, I believe in a mutual relationship, where both people work together to enjoy everything. I don't like one person having to do most of everything, to make things work. I surely don't want this, right from the first meeting either.

When I begin to talk with a man, I feel that it's up to him to take initiative. Sexist....sure!

I want "him" to pursue "me." He really should also be smart enough to figure this out, after he starts to have any type of communication with me. I'm not going to micro manage his life, from the second we start to talk. (Although I have to admit a few men have NOT figured this out, and while they seemed smart enough, they seemed to take my response/attitude as not being interested, when in fact it was more that they were just leaving everything to me again. I don't do, or decide, everything for any man.

)

When it comes to meeting the first time, I've found many men agree to meet, but then nothing happens. They are either fakes or wankers, or they are just waiting for me to handle the rest. Of course, I have a tendency to see the "decision" as mine, on location, time, place, etc., but there is no reason why he can't offer suggestions, or at least show his interest in pursing that first time meeting. I've found many men just sit and wait for things to happen then, and wait for the Domme to hold their hand along the way...for EVERYthing.

In discussing this phenomenon with a few men, that weren't successful in coming out to meet, they've offered that they were awaiting my "instructions." My feeling: I don't need to give you "instructions" to set up, or even suggest a date. (And I say "date" because I AM seeking a relationship...not a playmate alone.)

I just don't want "rules and expectations" to be dictated on a first meeting...a first date. As a relationship develops, I can see them being formalized.

Perhaps my vanilla approach to dating isn't working when it comes to meeting men of kink. I am dating vanilla now, and realizing that something's missing. Fun enough, but missing some spice.

K

(in reply to ManOwner)

Post #: 16

RE: Making a Smooth Transition - 9/22/2005 12:17:59 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Experienced or not, that's just plain rude. I hope you didn't give him a second date.

I agree, it's just bad manners when he walks like he's trying to catch something, and you need to try and catch up. I offered to switch shoes with my date to see if that would teach him something, but he declined. Needless to say, things didn't go well thereafter.

quote:

As for your other questions, like many people have pointed out, a lot of femdoms prefer to know someone on a vanilla level first anyway. Otherwise, for all you know he's just after one thing. If you feel like you have to offer "femdom vibes" or "keep him interested" by inserting dominance into a date or courting situation, you're a performing pony for his jollies.

My sentiments exactly. He either feels it as I'm being moi, or he doesn't. No vibes matter in the end if we don't like the way the other looks, thinks, speaks, or feels. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 17

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