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transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 1:49:09 PM   
mrscolden


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/12/2007
Status: offline 		i lived 50 years in the vanilla world as a strong, independent woman who didnt need a man but enjoyed them nontheless.
quite by accident, i met a man who saw something in me i didnt even know existed, submission. once i was exposed to bdsm, i found myself. i had some training by this man but when he saw how deeply i was beginning to care for him, he broke it off. i then came to collarme. in an 18 month period, i probably met a dozen men who called themselves dominate. i was hopeful a few times but i never felt the chemistry to move beyond a vanilla date until i met my husband. right from the start i was very attractive to him and his strength of character. after 4 months together, he proposed marraige and 5 months later we married.
i do so much want to be a good submissive/wife but old habits are hard to break and at times i find my vanilla life seeping into my bdsm life. the changes i have gone through have been huge for me and very rewarding. my husband is a very loving dominant but i try his patience when at times, i find myself slipping back into my old thought patterns. i will confess i am jealous & insecure (can i blame my father for that?).
i guess i am looking for support and encouragement from others. i dont have any lifestyle friends and my vanilla friends would think i was crazy if i told them how my husband really relate to each other. i have attended a few munches in our area hoping to find a friend or 2 but have not been successful. the other couple we have played with are not lifestlyers, more kinksters. so i have come here hoping for friendship, support and encouragement. am i unrealistic?

< Message edited by mrscolden -- 2/29/2008 1:53:07 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 1:56:16 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		You reallu dont need anyones approval but your own. But not sure how to encourage you or advise you. We are all at different levels as to what we submit to. Some only sexually submissive, some 24/7, some who are micromanaged and some who Masters just want final say so on big decisions. Some are into S&M, while others are not. Realistic to believe you have alot in common with subs here? Perhaps a few.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to mrscolden)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 1:56:43 PM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		Old habits are hard to break.... but the fact that you recognize that you are aware that slipping back at times and dont want to tells me that you will work thru this.  I would suggest you keep attending munches etc .. for you will find someone you can relate to and we all need like minded friends ...it takes commitment and patience .. but it is worth it......

As for support online .. yes you can find it .. but you will have to wade thru a lot of so called support and advice too ... just remember there is no ONE way to live or do anything .. take what people tell you and if it feels right listen .. if it feels like BS .. then it probably is for you ... ... again patience is the key ... there are some good people on here ... you will find in time those you relate to and those you dont ... and those you will wish to communicate with privately in email etc and those that you will respect from their postings on threads and in their journals...

Good luck and have fun

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to mrscolden)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 2:21:31 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		Role erosion is something that you have to guard against in any long term BDSM relationship that is not strictly play. When you do "vanilla" things together, sometimes you slip back into "vanilla" habits. Taking the time to refocus and retrain can help. He will have to be patient with you and at times, you will have to be patient with him! It is real life and sometimes things will get in the way of power exchange, such as being sick or job problems. Talking with each other can help. I know you've heard it before but communication is vital in any relationship and especially a BDSM one. You should have time daily where you catch up on each other's day and state of mind. Your Dominant is your biggest source of support and inspiration. This type of talk shouldn't try his patience but should help him guide you on your journey. You're fairly new and a lapse back into vanilla is to be expected at times.

A "daily ritual" can also help. (A friend has a daily ritual of listening to a CD her Dom made for her on the way to work each morning. It talks about her role in his life and how he cherishes her. A rather romantic way to start the day if ya ask me! On the weekends, she brings his first cup of coffee to him in bed and he they talk about her submission while he drinks it.) It needs to be something that fits into your regular day so it won't get disrupted by outside events. If your ritual is to come home and kneel naked for 15 mins while you tell his photo or him why you worship him, there will be days it doesn't happen! You'll decide to meet out for dinner, you'll have people over for dinner or any number of things can come up. This subconsciously can lead to your mind interpreting it as the ritual is there if there isn't something better to do. If you have a little phrase you say every time you walk through the door or every time the phone rings, it won't be superseded by "life."

Remember, you're not a machine. You can't just plug in new programming and Presto, New You! This is a journey and you're pretty close to the beginning of yours.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to mrscolden)
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RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 2:26:59 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I haven't met anyone I made friends with at munches either.  On the other hand, I've found a lot of good friends online -- several people I've met in real, and a few people I've never met but have spent a lot of time talking with and IM'ing with.  The boards are a good place to start meeting people, but one thing to remember: even if every single poster were a registered psychotherapist, you would still sometimes get crappy advice.  People are guessing what's "really going on" from a few paragraphs they read, and trying to relate that information to their own lives.

I suggest you contact the people you consider the most interesting, based on how they post, and get to know them when they are not "on the boards."

I will say that it seems to me that there is something big your Dom is not providing you -- or that you are not providing yourself.  The threads you have started give off the hit of a woman who is deeply dissatisfied with her relationship, and does not know how to improve it.  I agree that you need to talk this stuff through with some good, kink-friendly, friends.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MissHarlet)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 2:38:31 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mrscolden
i have attended a few munches in our area hoping to find a friend or 2 but have not been successful.
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I haven't met anyone I made friends with at munches either.


Don't forget folks, that people at munches are normal people. Just showing up isn't enough to make friends. Unless you take time to get to know them and hang out with them outside the munch, you're not going to "make friends." After talking to someone interesting at several munches in a row ask if they'd like to have lunch/dinner the next week. Ask them if they'd like to go shopping. You have to put yourself out there to make friends.



_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 3:42:59 PM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		I can understand what you mean about meeting others. I'm fairly new to this and although I know there are others out there, finding them is the hard part.  I've decided to be upfront and open with a family member ( who really doesn't understand) and my best gf who doesn't get it but is willing to listen and learn. The most support has come from two good online friends I met in a vanilla site. We discovered our common "hobby" and now email/IM/phone each other as often as possible. They've been my sounding boards and support. 
I would like to attend a munch but the nearest one is over 1 hr. away and takes place during my work. I am going to make the effort to go soon but it's difficult because of my schedule.
Just be open to finding friends in the most unusual places and always be willing to step out of your comfort zone. That's the only thing that works for me.  Good luck.

(in reply to mrscolden)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 4:03:13 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		First of all....congrats.
 
Why not just enjoy *being*...you and sharing that with your new husband...friend and lover as well as dom/master.
 
The *rest* all falls into place over time...
 
Thx for posting....a great read.

(in reply to CarrieO)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 4:40:10 PM   
Paulsgirl


Posts: 249
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mrscolden
the other couple we have played with are not lifestlyers, more kinksters. so i have come here hoping for friendship, support and encouragement. am i unrealistic?


i dom't know where kinksters and/or lifestylers stops or starts, or where vanilla and or bdsm starts or stops....it's all a continuum for me. Some of the more inyimate things Master is beginning to share with me are even more extraordinary than the fetish/power play.
i am at the point where i need to stop self flagellation on all levels....what i  advise is life is too short to worry...
somebody remind me i said that next time i am begging for advice please

_____________________________

Formerly Prinsexx

~There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.~
Anais Nin

(in reply to mrscolden)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 4:43:12 PM   
NJDiscipline


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Meeting new people, finding support, lifestyle friends, etc. is very hard to do. YOU MUST TAKE A RISK AND PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE! If people know who you are and what you are about, they will reach out. If every day, with every person, you keep your guard up and not let others in you will remain lonely. You have to be ready to go offline and meet people.
 
Yes, the need for safety is a true concern, but weed out the "fakes" right from the start...You all know how easy it is to recognize somebody who is not serious. Use public settings, safe calls, etc., BUT go offline and meet people.
 
MRSCOLDEN, you want support and friendship, I can provide that for you. You are not being unrealistic. However, the more friends you have, the more different bits of advice you will get. Perhaps try reaching out to one person and ask them to advise you and help you to stay on track. Follow their advice and share things with them and see if that works. If not, try a group of people, and see if picking for all the different bits of advice and support you get works better for you.
 
I look forward to hearing more from you. I love routines, structure, and protocol. I love making sure someone stays on track 24/7.
 
MR. MILLER

(in reply to ThundersCry)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 5:06:50 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I am afraid that you rushed into a 'lifestyle' and into a relationship and a marriage without knowing what they really meant.
To him and to you.
I don't have any wise advice for you, and I'm sorry I don't.
Marriage is difficult, and a bdsm relationship is difficult.
When you rush into both, I can't even imagine the stress.
I wish you both well.



_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to NJDiscipline)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 5:35:12 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I agree 100% with what Christina said.

I will respond to comments by BeachMystress and NJDiscipline, though.  My experience -- in three states, over a period of many years -- is that munches suck.  I am sure there are good ones somewhere, but I have met all of my friends through my volunteer work, my employment, or my significant others over the years -- or we first met online.  Just because someone likes throwing a single tail doesn't mean they know jackshit about human beings or relationships.  Some of the best CM posters -- people who clearly have a strong understanding of relationship-building -- don't belong to any groups and virtually never go to conventions.

Let's not pretend that being called Master or Goddess gives you wisdom or a kind heart.  Yeah, people should get out there and get involved in the community -- but that doesn't mean the BDSM "community," whatever the hell that is.  It means get to know people who share similar values to yours.  BDSM is an interest, not a value system.  Ethics, honesty, integrity -- those are values.  They are more fundamental.

So Mrs. Colden: do you like animals?  Volunteer at the SPCA.  Insert your own interests here.  You've already got a husband/Dom.  I see no need for you to get further involved in local BDSM groups unless you both desire it.  Get involved with things you care about, and meet decent people you can get life advice from.  Also, please consider counseling.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 5:55:18 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You're newly married, newly involved in this and he's telling you that he's the dom and can do what he wants. Which is only true until you tell him you withdraw your submission. Honestly it doesn't sound like he really knows what he's doing. Because he's demanding you be a better sub, he isn't slowly teaching you. He doesn't seem to realize that this takes time and patience. He isn't leading you, he's pushing. And most of all, it isn't working for you, but he doesn't seem capable of realizing the fact that if he keeps it up, you'll stop trusting him and stop even wanting to submit.

You folks have a hell of a learning curve in front of you both. Unfortunately you making a sub friend isn't going to solve anything. Him finding a dom to mentor him might.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 6:57:56 PM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		"Unfortunately you making a sub friend isn't going to solve anything. Him finding a dom to mentor him might."

Excellant DesFIP......I actually said that to a "Dom" who contacted me. He stated he had no experience and wasn't interested in learning he just knew he was a Dom.  I told him that even the best professor had to sit in a classroom and be taught by a teacher at some point.



(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: transition from vanilla to bdsm lifestyle - 2/29/2008 7:05:30 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Have you reached out to people from collarme, in your general geography whom you could meet for get togethers?  I've done this and have some rewarding friendships as a result.   

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to mrscolden)
Profile   Post #: 15
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