MaamJay
Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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Well good on you for telling your wife, that's a hard thing to do. At least she didn't totally freak out, shoot you, stab you or call the police to arrest you so it's not all bad!
How well do you understand what bdsm and D/s is all about? If you are totally new and inexperienced, it is possible you haven't explained it all that well or clearly. It would be good to find some good reading material to share together, and also to find a Mentor who can answer questions that you and she may have. For eg, did you concentrate on the "whips and chains" ie the play aspect, which can be pretty scary to a vanilla, or did you focus on the service and pampering aspects? The latter could be much more appealing! It would be a rare woman who wouldn't appreciate her man taking on more chores willingly, and pampering her with intimate services without expecting her to reciprocate all the time. It would be a good idea to get in touch with a local group of people (I'm sure there must be some in Florida) with whom you can meet for social occasions such as munches. It can be a huge relief to the vanilla partner to see that quite normal looking people engage in this stuff! And it can whet their appetite to find out more. Also be sure to talk about all the good values and behaviours involved ... trust, honesty, respect, obedience ... don't just focus on the kinky stuff. I found that it was also useful to explain about power exchange ... and that it occurs in every relationship, it's just not usually overt. It's "under the table" ... I am sure there are things in your marriage where the power flows (or is grabbed!) back and forth all the time. It could be in something so simple as who decides what to have for dinner. Then explain that in D/s, the power exchange IS overt, it's on the table, and openly discussed and negotiated. That it is a way of creating a clear structure in which to live ... which gets away from a whole lot of bitching and repetitive hassles! That can make it pretty attractive to some relationships too.
If you want to go to counselling, go to a kink friendly one, or you might both be told this is sick and twisted and that actually won't help either of you OR your marriage. She wouldn't want to be worrying about you being sick and twisted ... or about being married to someone who is sick and twisted! I am sure there are kink friendly therapists in your area, and with luck someone kind will post a link.
As a side note, I am one of those lifestyle Dommes who is prepared to play with a married sub under certain conditions. I don't insist his wife knows all (I don't believe I have the right to nonconsensually involve her ... that has to be his call as she's his wife), but I do insist that there are no lies involved (ie no elaborate lies about where he is ... it has to be the sort of relationship where he can say he is visiting a friend and that's OK with her), and absolutely no sex. I limit the scene to sensation and impact play, in which case I see it as no different from going to a therapist for therapeutic massage or going fishing if that's what helps someone unwind! It's basically stress relief. And hopefully it sends him home happier, relaxed, his itch scratched, so he is more able to be a better husband to her. I know not everyone will agree with this approach, so please remember the TOS and don't flame Me! Everyone's morals, values, integrity is different, this works for Me. However I also wouldn't take on such a sub as a permanent one, he would be an occasional play partner at best. Or it could be an introduction session ... one such newbie decided it really wasn't for him and went home determined to stay vanilla. Fine, no harm done and his marriage is A-OK. Another decided it totally was for him so bravely told his wife ... she was one who did freak out ... despite efforts, the marriage ended and that was probably the best outcome as he didn't want to spend his life cheating on her and yet he couldn't give this up. And a third was in the middle ... loved it, plucked up courage to tell her, she was initially shocked ... then curious ... so he introduced her to Me ... she decided to give it a go being his Domme ... last I heard they were going great and she had got him making all kinds of bdsm furniture! There is of course no guarantee that now you have told her, that she is naturally going to find she has a Dominant side. Depends on the criteria you used when you chose her to be your wife! But hopefully, with lots of quality information, she can at least be open-minded and give it a go.
Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)
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