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Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/2/2008 10:47:31 AM

Erotomania

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From: Orlando, FL
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While typically a 'bratty submissive' with both Dominants, I tend to try my best to be the exact opposite with my current play partner. He doesn't stand for bratty behavior, although a mild streak of rebellion is allowed, even if it isn't exactly encouraged. Unfortunately, there are a few things that I find myself resisting, no matter what the circumstances. I can want and need something with every fiber of my being, and ask Him not to stop play no matter what I do (safewords included), but I always end up resisting and panicking to the point where He's afraid I'll breakdown or something similar if He -doesn't- stop. To be more specific, this is most common with anal play of any kind, especially penetration, or the threat of penetration. I'm fairly certain that this is because of all my previous experiences with anal play/sex have been negative in one way or another. But when it comes down to it, it's something I very much enjoy with Him, both as an idea and in actual practice. Because of this, I'd like to find a way to deal with it... Without a lot of the slow build up that I typically need when I'm afraid of a certain thing - it just makes it worse in this specific case. I hate that it, and a few other less significant things, push me to resistance.. When it's the last thing I want.

Has anyone here had a submissive with similar problems? If so, how did Y/you both handle it?

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/2/2008 10:58:36 AM

colouredin

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Sirs slave had a really terrible experiance with the cane, she now hates it, it terrifies her which means that she begs for him to use it. She says that without doing that she would feel weak which is the last thing that she is. When he grabs it she flinches and pulls away but forces herself because she wants to. I asked him about it, he said that as she is afraid of it he would never force it on her but does so because she asks so frequantly. I have held her hand on these occasions and the resolve on her face truely is something to behold. I know that there are certain things that I pull away from, not intentionally I dont even realise I am doing it and then I consciously move myself back and say sorry. Some things are difficult, if they are so difficult as to damage you mentally or physically (beyond reason) then make it a hard limit. If not use it to make you stronger. The more you do it the less of an issue it becomes, it can be hard to forget the past experiances so the more new ones you make the more you have to replace the old ones with, There isnt some magic cure I am afraid its just a case of keep going at it.

< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/2/2008 10:59:03 AM >

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/2/2008 11:07:01 AM

tsatske

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perhaps a different kind of "slow build-up" would help? Not the long build up time in one session, but to start with a smaller insertion item. I know that anal play is very hard for me, physically. Master restrains me enough so that I can not roll away from him. THen he has started with smaller butt plugs. He went out and baught a 'training set' of graduated butt plugs just for this purpose. While I am being trained anally, I tend to scream, cry, beg, and struggle. I always feel guilty for 'making him stop'. He assures me that he stops when he is ready - a little further each time. Each time I manage to take a larger plug, when he shows me when we are done playing, I am so proud. I love anal sex with Master, now; I look forward to continue his training to larger and larger plugs, I hope I can learn to use ones that will please him.

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/2/2008 11:16:32 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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How long has this particular relationship been going on? How many years and relationships of history are you fighting against? Maybe you need to make the expectations a bit more realistic.

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/2/2008 11:33:33 AM

Erotomania

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It's been since June 13th, exactly. There's just been a lot of difficulties, stemming from some emotional/psychological issues that came up with me. The problem with this specific thing is that I have about 5 years of previous negative experience with it, and it makes it hard. The expectiations for us are realistic, and I know that I can do it, I just panic. The thing that's strange for me is that I panic the most AFTER He's been doing something for awhile. I think it's a fear of letting go and letting myself actually enjoy it, because I'm afraid something will then happen to make it another negative experience. Which is completely irrational, because I KNOW that He'd never do anything to allow it to be a negative experience. It's a nice little muddle of things.. And I'm tempted to just get on hands and knees in front of him, gag in mouth, rope and a bottle of lube next to me, and mumble around the gag 'just do it!....Sir', lol.

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/2/2008 11:50:28 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Expecting you to do it might be realistic.

Expecting you to do it all perfectly right NOW might not be.

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/2/2008 5:38:21 PM

junecleaver

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If my Dominant wanted to fuck me in the ass, I wouldn't have much of a chance of resistance. If just holding me down was sufficient, he would tie me up. Because he knows where I really would break, theatrics like crying and screaming and panicking do not detour him, no matter how much I might mean them.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this...but it seems like your Dominant is hesitant to push you past your panicking and into the actual act....afraid to hurt you, etc etc. Sure, he might have the right to fuck you silly. But maybe he needs to know 'from the horse's mouth' that he's not going to break you by doing so. Your idea of being tied down and 'just doing it' sounds like a good one to me. If you can talk about it beforehand and reassure him that it's something you want no matter what emotions it evokes in between, maybe it will help both of you push you through your panic.

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/2/2008 5:43:56 PM

Leatherist

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FR.

It it were me, I'd do this. set a dildo on a bondage stool, bind your feet to the bottom of it,and let you sit your asshole right down on it while I watched you. Exactly how you managed the penetration would be up to you.

But you would not get up off of the stool until your asscheeks spread out over the seat.

Any resulting drama would be yours-not mine.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 3/2/2008 5:44:53 PM >

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/2/2008 6:23:53 PM

meticulousgirl

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i think it's normal for all of us.....or at least for me too even after doing this for 6 years....my main fear now is the riding crop all He has to do is threaten it and i tense up, if He actually gets it out, there are immediate tears, and once He starts using it, there is just no way that i can stay still, i can take the first ten or so and then i start to squirm or make my butt "unavailable" and to me that's not ok, it's something i always end up feeling guilty for but, mentally and physically because that thing hurts so much i'm absolutely scared to death of it.

see if the Dom can semi talk you through it, i have the same reaction to anal for the same type of reasons you do, and the last time M.S. choose anal, He ended up talking me through the initial portion of it and it turned out great....sorry guys i'm keeping this pg...

working on breathing, or having the Dom talk you through even a portion of it could help in the biggest way to the point where it starts out horrible, He does whatever and soon enough before He can blink your begging Him to do it again (just hope he's not sadistic enough to deny you) lol

~meticulous~

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/3/2008 8:15:34 AM

Erotomania

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*ahem*... And it was... A SUCCESS!! xD

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/3/2008 11:13:10 AM

jenf

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Every time i resist...anything...i know very well that i will end up doing it anyway. So, i wonder, am i just doing it for drama? Punishment? "Prove You love me by giving me more attention?"...or "i'm bored and i'm gonna ramp this scene up a bit"...awwww...now i'm self-analyzing...Sometimes i just want to have some fun without all the introspection

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/3/2008 5:06:13 PM

antipode

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There is nothing you can do to help him deal with his insecurity. If he is not now able to satisfy you, after you have, presumably, discussed this with him, it isn't going to happen. I have been in situations with masochistic subs where they asked me to do things that went beyond what I considered my threshold, and it was then my responsibility to make that side of the relationship work, in order to have the two way traffic that is all important in D/s. So I put myself over my objections, it is how you grow and learn.

The way you explain it, though, I very much wonder who is the Dom here, and who the sub. It sounds like role reversal to me.

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/3/2008 7:59:21 PM

DesFIP

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He doesn't get fixated on things that cause me panic attacks. He introduces them and then drops them if I can't do it. He brings it back up some months later and we discuss it again, try it from a different angle, see if we can pinpoint what it is that is causing the problem. Sometimes we've discovered that just one small element was causing the panic, so he leaves that out and things are fine. Other times, we've just had to agree to leave it on the hard limit list.

But I'm more important to him than any one activity. And if there was one activity which I just couldn't do and he just couldn't have done without, we would have agreed very early on that we weren't compatible.

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RE: Proper behavior and unintentional resistance - 3/3/2008 8:25:22 PM

IronOre

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You did it and enjoyed it? Congratulations on your breakthrough.

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