Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions, is this common?

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Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions, is... - 9/22/2005 12:55:38 PM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
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Hello All,
I was at my local Dungeon last Saturday with a Domme for my first and I hoped only scene where I was to be topped by a woman. I'm not even remotely Bi but my Master thought it would be an important lesson for me as I want to learn all I can in earnest this first year as a sub in the BDSM life I found last February.
Someone else was topping her pain slut guy sub. She was so distracted she couldn't get into the headspace to scene with me the way she wanted to. While I thought things went fine (as I had no preconceived notions) she felt very bad as she felt like her attentions were elsewhere. I was very shocked my Master is permitting her to scene with me again as she thinks she should have done better.
As this was the first time a Dom/Domme has ever felt bad about scenes with me I was a little shocked she'd disappointed herself so bad, I'm wondering if this happens often or if this indeed was unusual?
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

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RE: Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions... - 9/22/2005 1:10:25 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
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Hi Suzanne
I think that anytime one becomes distracted when Topping, and it happens often, that there is a feeling of "I let the bottom down, I wasn't as good as I should have been."
It's a natural instinct that we all have and we can't always come to the table with our "A" Game at hand. Life is too stressful to always be on the "Top of our game."

It's like pre-mature ejaculation by a man.....what guy wouldn't feel bad and feel that he left his lover dis-satisfied?

I'll see you Tuesday and hope that I don't get "Whip Lash."

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

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RE: Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions... - 9/22/2005 1:12:45 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Are you asking if it's normal for someone to be disappointed in how a scene turned out, I have to say yes. I have done some scenes that I was not content with, though of course both parties lived to play another day. :)

My take on the situation you describe: a play party is NOT the place to do something totally new like sub to a domme for the first time, if that's not your normal mode of play. It's ridiculous to expect anything like privacy or the most basic control of the situation. Some people (dom and sub alike) are easily bothered or distracted by what is going on around them. I am not distracted by other scenes, but I *am* always aware of the people around me, if anyone is getting too close, etc. You can't give 100% of your attention to the scene unless you have some space cleared and folks guarding the area.

I don't know how the domme you were working with was prepped for your scene, or what expectations she (and you) had in mind. As long as you like her, why not scene with her again, under other, more private circumstances?

That she admitted her unhappiness with how the scene turned out is a GOOD thing. The tops to watch out for are the ones who think everything is fantastic and all errors are someone else's fault.

Ms Francine

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RE: Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions... - 9/22/2005 1:37:03 PM

MistressFire70

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It doesn't have to anything to do with male or female, you or her. It had to do with the Dominant being in the right headspace. If she noticed that she was distracted or worried about her boy, it would have been better to have waited. But, sometimes, since we have said we will do something, be feel obligated to do it right then. Give it another try and hopefully she will be in a better headspace.

Fire

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you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

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RE: Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions... - 9/22/2005 5:22:49 PM

FTopinMichigan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: plantlady64

Someone else was topping her pain slut guy sub. She was so distracted she couldn't get into the headspace to scene with me the way she wanted to. While I thought things went fine (as I had no preconceived notions) she felt very bad as she felt like her attentions were elsewhere. I was very shocked my Master is permitting her to scene with me again as she thinks she should have done better.

I always hope to "do better" next time!

I will admit to being distracted, while playing in a club, and my reaction was to immediately make sure my playmate was safe, and then I usually either got rid of the distraction (which was more than not, someone intruding in the space, or directly into the scene), or I would stopped the scene completely.

If my playmate was not afforded my "full" attention, I was doing both of us a disservice. The entire scene would be ruined for us too.

If I felt I performed poorly, or didn't have the scene turn out as planned, I'd probably enjoy having the opportunity to...well, do a do-over.

As long as safety wasn't an issue, and the person topping was in fact skilled, I think I'd consider a second chance to find out if in fact they'd "do better." Maybe you'd enjoy the second time, but then again, maybe the comments she made would cause a level of fear. The anticipation may be nice, but the fear of a bad scene could overshadow the fun.

K

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RE: Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions... - 9/22/2005 10:39:12 PM

TexasMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: plantlady64

...I'm not even remotely Bi but my Master thought it would be an important lesson for me as I want to learn all I can in earnest this first year as a sub in the BDSM life I found last February.

Someone else was topping her pain slut guy sub. She was so distracted she couldn't get into the headspace to scene with me the way she wanted to.

Something about this whole scenario bothers Me and I think it is because your Dom wanted you to engage in a Bi session when you are not Bi. I'm guessing he wants you to learn to Top another fem sub to add to your relationship?

The Domme in question was distracted because another was Topping her boy at the same time.

Yikes!

The potential for real and permanent harm, whether it be emotional, psychological, or physical, simply abounds here.

Tread softly and don't engage in another session with this Domme unless you are absolutely certain that learning to go beyond your limits into poly relationships is where you want your head and your heart to go....

You hoped this session would be the last with this Domme. That tells Me you were complying to satisfy your Dom at the risk of your own principles. Now you are being pushed to 'try it again, this time it will be better'.

Yikes!

Perhaps 'in His Arms and in His Care' is the only place you want to be. Tell Him so.

~Texas Maam

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RE: Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions... - 9/22/2005 10:52:00 PM

TexasMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: plantlady64
While I thought things went fine (as I had no preconceived notions) she felt very bad as she felt like her attentions were elsewhere. I was very shocked my Master is permitting her to scene with me again as she thinks she should have done better.

Contrary to popular opinion, it's not 'about' the Dom/Domme. In this case, it's about you, spell that Y O U.

Perhaps she felt bad because it was evident your response just wasn't 'there'. Perhaps that had little or nothing to do with her sub being topped by another; perhaps it was because being with a Fem Domme is not what you really want. Perhaps you couldn't respond to her because she's not who or what YOU want.

Your Master deserves to know what's in your heart with regard to scening with her again; if he asks you to do so when that's not what YOU want, what he's asking you to do is forego your own inner peace and happiness to satisfy his.

There are a lot of BDSM activities that one can experiment with and then leave behind, unscathed. Group Activity is not one of them; it can damage your spirit if that's not what you want for yourself.

Again, if 'in His Arms and under His Care' is where you want to be, tell Him so. Exclusivity is a precious gift. Don't underrate it's value.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

~Texas Maam

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RE: Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions... - 9/23/2005 11:04:32 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Okay, let me leap in here and say that being topped by someone of your same sex does not make you gay, or mean that you are! My favorite party date is a dear female friend who is as straight as they come---we do not engage in sexual play of any kind.

I didn't read into Suzanne's original post that any poly or sexual stuff was going to be planned, but I totally agree that that is seriously hot territory, and not something to be entered into lightly.

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RE: Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions... - 9/23/2005 12:20:01 PM

plantlady64

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: plantlady64

...I'm not even remotely Bi but my Master thought it would be an important lesson for me as I want to learn all I can in earnest this first year as a sub in the BDSM life I found last February.

Someone else was topping her pain slut guy sub. She was so distracted she couldn't get into the headspace to scene with me the way she wanted to.

Something about this whole scenario bothers Me and I think it is because your Dom wanted you to engage in a Bi session when you are not Bi. I'm guessing he wants you to learn to Top another fem sub to add to your relationship?

quote:

You hoped this session would be the last with this Domme. That tells Me you were complying to satisfy your Dom at the risk of your own principles. Now you are being pushed to 'try it again, this time it will be better'.

Hello There,
Actually I had expressed in my first year as a sub I personally wanted to find a lady to top me just to be sure it wasn't for me. Since I've found BDSM in my life I feel more free to interact with others than I have in my life. I think my Master set this up for me, as he knew I desired to have this type of encounter, but had not worked up my courage enough to make it real.
I'd also like to note other than when I'm with my Master I play with my lifestyle Mentors and Friends in this particular Dungeon most Saturday nights. I was very comfortable in the dungeon; it was just having a woman be my top that was a new twist for me. The Domme also plays in out Dungeon often and prefers to play with new people there where we feel safer to play with people we are just getting to know. Being in a club with our friends is a comfort for a lot of us. We know there are back up's to our scenes in the event of an emergency arising. I firmly will only play with a new person in my local dungeon, as it's what is right for me.

I do intend to top someone one day before my first year in the life is over. I've been talking to a very sexy male sub at my Black Rose functions about it for several months so far. He knows I'm firmly a sub and want to top him just so I can see things from the other side. Mind you we intend to not try anything close to edge play, as I know I can't safely do certain things, as I have no experience. I have several Domme friends that will oversee this event to be sure we play safe.

I think to try the world from other points of view can only expand mine, but thanks for voicing your concern. It shows you care.
Sincerely,

sub suzanne

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RE: Dom/Dommes dissapointing themselves by distractions... - 9/25/2005 11:34:52 AM

TexasMaam

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Okay, let me leap in here and say that being topped by someone of your same sex does not make you gay, or mean that you are! My favorite party date is a dear female friend who is as straight as they come---we do not engage in sexual play of any kind.

I didn't read into Suzanne's original post that any poly or sexual stuff was going to be planned, but I totally agree that that is seriously hot territory, and not something to be entered into lightly.

I spent quite a few years as an apprentice to a European Domme of great renown. No, I am not gay, nor bi. I am not the least bit opposed to bi play, relationships, or poly encounters, although they are not suited to My particular preferences. I did not wish to imply that a same sex top meant anything of the kind; the reference to bi orientation was in plantlady's original email. No offense intended.

I do get dismayed by the pressure I see prevalent at group activities to engage in multiple partner play. That's all. Just offering support to those who wish to remain monogamous in this lifestyle. It's a rare thing.

plantlady's ambitious post, below, explains that remaining monogamous was not the issue. Personally, I think topping in 'the first year' of this lifestyle is fraught with the potential for misteps, not for plantlady per se, but for her potential future sub. she seems to have that issue well in hand with others to assist her but again, as you so eloquently state, Lady Hibiscus: "I didn't read into Suzanne's original post that any poly or sexual stuff was going to be planned, but I totally agree that that is seriously hot territory, and not something to be entered into lightly." Indeed it is!

Having read her post, below, I wonder why she raised the question in this thread. Surely she has enough experience (described in detail in the response below) with other play parnters in said Dungeon that she's seen a Dom or Domme slightly off their 'game'. It happens to the best of us. In My case it usually happens when some unplanned dynamic comes into play and the scene or session I had in mind takes a turn that I am/was not particulary interested in. I make adjustments and go with the flow in the best interest of the sub, though not always with My best effort. In the case above, where the Domme was distracted, in My humble opinion the Domme in question should have ceased the scene if She was not able to fully concentrate on plantlady64.

my first and I hoped only scene where I was to be topped by a woman.

I have to wonder why she hoped it was to be her only scene to be topped by a woman, given her qualifying response below in which she seems to have answered her own question.

Best wishes and good luck plantlady, I hope you achieve your goals. You are correct, I do care.

Sincerely,

Texas Maam

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