RE: Over expectations?

RE: Over expectations? (Full Version)

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Maya2001 -> RE: Over expectations? (3/3/2008 7:09:39 PM)
Most newbie subs are going to want someone with experience to safely introduce them ...and it does not matter what their age is ... the experience level is what matters and at 20 years old it is safe to assume you will not have a lot of years of practical experience. For my first Dom I chose one with 30 years of lifestyle experience and his first lesson to me were about safe calls, safe words/signals, explaining dynamics, reasons why hoesty and communications was important in the lifestyle, discussion about different toys and safety aspects , spending time asking me questions about my experiences , before any physical play ever began ... he took the time to prepare me for the lifestyle not just his use

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Over expectations? (3/3/2008 8:22:50 PM)
When I was younger I was all about the older men. I wanted someone who knew what he was doing...who would "teach me about the world", in a way. I equate older with wiser, better, more sophisticated and worldly. Imagine my surprised when I wound up with a 30 year old husband (I was 18) who had the maturity level of an 16 year old kid after the first two months of marriage. I felt seriously betrayed, honestly, and had to take a long look at how he was able to fool me for a year's worth of dating. I DID learn a lot about adult life being married to him, especially since he was a Navy man, but not in the way I'd expected (with gentle guidance and not having it dumped on me). Now, unless I know I'm simply looking for fun, I go with people who are mature...and worry about the age later, if at all. In fact, my second husband was six years younger...but an alcoholic. Even so, he was, at least, a mature alcoholic. To the point: just use this as a weeding technique and move on. If they're not willing to take a look at you, they're not a match. There's LOTS of fem subs to choose from here and in your own community. Master Fire

littlelostbunny -> RE: Over expectations? (3/3/2008 9:51:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WelshGuyUk I want to do a munch eventually in my area just seems a scary thought to do at the moment unless I can find a person in my area to go with that is also in to it! lol! Believe it or not, most munch-goers won't bite... unless you ask. I'm seconding CalifChick on this one: Go on your own. Yeah, it can suck and be scary as hell, but if a newbie sub can do it, so can a newbie dom!

Leatherist -> RE: Over expectations? (3/3/2008 10:02:07 PM)
I learned from subs. Never fear, once you get them talking, they won't shut up.[;)] Just be real and show some concern and common sense. The experience comes from friends. On the flip side, I almost never take on newbies these days. They almost always move on,and I am tired of playing musical chairs. Experience is good, so long as a woman isn't living in her past. I have a habit of not sharing with ghosts.

WelshGuyUk -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 5:52:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist I learned from subs. Never fear, once you get them talking, they won't shut up.[;)] Just be real and show some concern and common sense. The experience comes from friends. On the flip side, I almost never take on newbies these days. They almost always move on,and I am tired of playing musical chairs. Experience is good, so long as a woman isn't living in her past. I have a habit of not sharing with ghosts. I came accross a few newbie subs a few years back when I did online stuff for general fun before I got into seriously wanting to be a dom for real. And I noticed the second they got their pleasure they are out of there until they are up for it again. Which ruined the whole thing for me. I would imagine alot of newbies specially my age, still only want a quick thrill then go back to normal for the most part! We all know we say yes when turned on to things we would normally say no to when we are not! :P

colouredin -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 6:06:11 AM)
I think its a case of people finding their place, wondering what it is they want from it all and coming to terms with these feelings that to them may feel dirty or wrong or against what they have bought up with. I know for me each day I learn to accept myself a little bit more and how this part of me is important.

DesFIP -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 6:21:20 AM)
Email the person who runs the munch. See if you can meet them 15 minutes early. Ask them to introduce you around. Instant no fear way of walking into a new group. Make friends, hang out. Eventually if you're a good guy you'll be invited to a play party. Go, socialize, watch. Ask the person whose flogging technique you most admire to teach you how. He/she will most likely be happy to let you pick up and feel the difference in weight of the different floggers, He/she will be delighted to teach you how to hold it, swing it, what to watch out for. Buy a medium weight one and a couple of cheap pillows, start practicing. At the next party, bring your flogger and ask somebody you've made friends with if they would let you try it out and give you feedback. Listen to the feedback. If you're honest and excited, you'll probably get several volunteers to let you try it on them. You'll learn that what one person thinks is too light, another thinks is too heavy, and the third thinks is perfect. Just like Goldilocks and the three bears. Have fun. And before you leave ask somebody who seems to know what they're doing with a cane to give you a brief overview. Learn that. And so on. And as long as you're open about learning, and needing feedback, you'll get volunteers. If you don't, then ask someone to tell you what you're doing that is a put off and get back to you about it. Accept criticism with a good heart, don't be defensive.

akahadaka -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 9:34:17 AM)
For me the experience in BDSM isn't the point. The important thing is the maturity of the Dom. Luckily my Daddy and I have similar age and similar maturity level, and in spite I'm a total newbie and He is a bit experienced than me... we have find a marvelous place to learn together (learn, read a lot, be responsible, be safe, using brain, etc.). So... it's not a problem for me being the "training item" of my Daddy. I know He keeps in mind the word "safety" and He has a very brilliant brain to use it. My relationship is more intense and pleasurable this way than learning from a very experienced Dom. But as always, it's a question of personal preferences. On the other hand, there isn't a "manual" of BDSM of mandatory accomplishment. Each D/s builds their own rules, their own play, their own life. Then... how important is to know more or less about the techniques or be more or less experienced? Maybe your next submissive has a hard limit in something you are an expert, for instance. These things can be learned if both of you like them. I'm not the only one thinking that way, WelshGuyUk. I wish you good luck in your searching. [;)] Editing: cause my bad bad spelling. Sorry!

KCherry -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 11:59:45 AM)
I think it's important to remember that all Doms are human and they are going to make mistakes and pick one based on more philosophy than experience. I've had Doms that wanted to do something that I was experienced in and they were new and I taught them but I didn't think less of them, or their authority. It's all about the intentions. As long are you are safe and having fun, and above all having fun it shouldn't matter whether the person has been in the lifestyle 20 years or two. As long as those three things are there it's fine.

madshysoul -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 2:29:23 PM)
I have had partners who were inexperienced and young. With someone that I know is still learning, I set different boundaries to what I consider acceptable. I am not willing to go to sub-space with someone who may or may not be capable of recognizing that my mental status is altered. I -am- willing to let them practice flogging, experiment with restraints and have open non-judgemental discussions of technique, style and safety. While I see your point about 'learning together', what would concern me is that their mutual inexperience could lead to at best a broken relationship and at worst a serious accident. When one partner doesn't know enough to say 'stop' and the other doesn't know enough -to- stop...that's a recipe for the 'bad' ouch. The best suggestion I could make for you wanting to learn is to approach a respected Dom in your local scene and introduce yourself. Explain that you'd like to learn, but that you'd like to do so safely and intelligently and could he make any suggestions? That's how I've wound up playing myself a few times, after being asked by the Dom if I'd be willing to be a test dummy. (The fact I'm enough of a bitch to happily defend myself against something truely dangerous/stupid probably helps...)

LadyLynx -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 2:49:04 PM)
lol. I went my 1st few munches alone, (and scared outta my wits.;)) and luckly met up with some pretty good people right from the getgo. DesFIP, great idea. Wish I had thought of that.

Tapestry -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 3:24:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyLynx lol. I went my 1st few munches alone, (and scared outta my wits.;)) and luckly met up with some pretty good people right from the getgo. DesFIP, great idea. Wish I had thought of that. I went to my first gathering alone as well. It was our local educational society, and I was scared out of my wits. And instead of an educational session followed by a munch, that night was the annual business meeting and elections, and there were ugly nasty things said and accused, and I really don't do conflict. I thought I would just shrivel up and die, lol. Luckily during a break a friendly submissive recognized the terror I was trying to hide and befriended me. I ended up getting to know so many people, made lasting friendships, and don't regret going at all. That was more than 3 years ago.

Tapestry -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 3:31:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Email the person who runs the munch. See if you can meet them 15 minutes early. Ask them to introduce you around. Instant no fear way of walking into a new group. Make friends, hang out. Eventually if you're a good guy you'll be invited to a play party. Go, socialize, watch. Ask the person whose flogging technique you most admire to teach you how. He/she will most likely be happy to let you pick up and feel the difference in weight of the different floggers, He/she will be delighted to teach you how to hold it, swing it, what to watch out for. Buy a medium weight one and a couple of cheap pillows, start practicing. At the next party, bring your flogger and ask somebody you've made friends with if they would let you try it out and give you feedback. Listen to the feedback. If you're honest and excited, you'll probably get several volunteers to let you try it on them. You'll learn that what one person thinks is too light, another thinks is too heavy, and the third thinks is perfect. Just like Goldilocks and the three bears. Have fun. And before you leave ask somebody who seems to know what they're doing with a cane to give you a brief overview. Learn that. And so on. And as long as you're open about learning, and needing feedback, you'll get volunteers. If you don't, then ask someone to tell you what you're doing that is a put off and get back to you about it. Accept criticism with a good heart, don't be defensive. Great idea(s) - I am a huge fan of getting out into the real world to experience WIITWD. That will tell so much more about oneself and other people than the internet ever can! As I discovered myself in the BDSM world, I spent a large amount of time online - and truly, the best advice anyone ever gave me was a dear vanilla friend in another state who told me to find a group of people to spend time with and do things with. Real life always tops the internet if one is looking for real-time companions. If one is only interested in online interaction than obviously, real life isn't such a great choice! [:)] Thank heaven we have enough choices to meet the variety of needs of different people. Blessings and Peace

need2bused6 -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 3:43:24 PM)
Not just young subs want what you described. A Dom/Domme can talk the right talk if you are experienced or brand new you still have to be careful the actions match the deeds. Usually the ones who are not experienced, or care to follow what they preach, make small mistakes at first. So no matter how experienced you are most subs want to believe their Dom is perfect and the one you have been looking forward to serving. If the little voice in your head is warning you something’s wrong or words and deeds don't match respectfully bring it up. I they won't talk about it or have answers that don't fit leave.

tsatske -> RE: Over expectations? (3/4/2008 5:22:37 PM)
WelshGuy, As a fairly experienced and not terribly young sub, when unowned I have always been happy to play with and even mentour less experienced Doms, provided that thier personality made me feel safe with them. That means that they seemed to me to be capable of being open and humble enough to learn, that they were open and intellegent enough to explore the difficult to explain concepts like emotion, subspace, subdrop, aftercare, limits, ect. Younger people who came across as clueless generally got told by me, "I am really not the beginers kit." If going to a munch seems daunting, try to see if there is an early bloomers munch in your area. perhaps that would seem a little bit less scary?

WelshGuyUk -> RE: Over expectations? (3/5/2008 6:01:10 AM)
What is an early bloomers munch ?

colouredin -> RE: Over expectations? (3/5/2008 6:07:23 AM)
Youth oriantated, there isnt one in wales but have a look on IC i cant remember if there is one in the UK i dont think there is but i may be wrong.

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