BitaTruble
Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
|
TrubledTimes Issue #26 Date: Lint .. er.. Lent! Price: 69 Hail Mary's per issue The TrubledTimes is the twice daily newsletter for saints, sinners and everyone in between. Since Easter is right around the corner, we, the TrubledTimes staff, have decided to devote this issue to all things religious. After our feature article, we have a very special interview in store for our precious readers from none other than ::drum roll, if you please::The Anti-Christ! Yes, folks, that's right. We snagged the Head Honcho,The Big Cheese, the Prince of Evil, so would could hear straight from the horses mouth exactly what's coming down the pike for all of humanity. Disclaimer: The staff and management of the TrubledTimes takes no responsibilty for any souls which may be effected by the reading of this newsletter. Complaints should be made, in triplicate, directly to the God or Goddess of your choice. Before the interview, let's get to our feature article. In these TrubledTimes, a lot of people turn to prayer in order to sooth their trubled souls. The world of BDSM is no different. Why do you think so many people get emails being told to ... GET ON YOUR KNEES, SLUT! bi BitaTruble Is there a female submissive or slave in all of cyberspace who hasn't received these awe-inspiring words dumped into her box? I know what you're all thinking. They are sent by wannabes, fakes, HNG's and guys named Morris who live in their parents basement, but I'm here to tell you my brothers and sisters that such is a LIE! These are men of the cloth cleverly disguised as wankers who want nothing less than to save your eternal soul from the pits of Hell and damnation! Do not look upon these wankerish words and be offended by them. Nay! Embrace them! Take them to heart and fall to your knees and worship at the altar of salvation (and don't let the cock shots fool you .. those are just inserted into your box in case of identity theft. We don't want any of those sicko's and sinners knowing what's really going on with all us saints so we are trying to keep a low profile.) I cannot stress enough how important immediate compliance is when I send you an email telling you to GET ON YOUR KNEES, SLUT! Er, um .. I don't actually mean 'me' as in 'me'. I meant, that if I did that, you should, you know, just do what I tell you because.. I don't have um, an agenda or ulterior motive or anything. I just wanna, you know, save you from.. , yourself. (note to copy editor: Yeah. That's it! That sounds good. We'll keep that line in. It works.) You should listen to me. I sound totally impressive! And I can type in all caps. GET ON YOUR KNEES, SLUT! See? Doesn't that make you want to do what I say? Sooooo ... Get yourself some kneepads, send your personal and private email address, along with your home phone number, social security number, checking account information and the names of all your friends into my box and I'll get back to you by Sunday before church. It's for your own good. No. Really. I swear. Have I ever lied to you? Trust me. ::blinks:: St. Bita of the Cross ~~~~~~~ speaking of crosses ... On the Cross bi BitaTruble What sort of religious publication would we be if we failed to address the symbol of all that is held dear to those of us who suffer for our craft. The Cross has long been the ultimate instrument of torture going back several thousand years. (Hey, if it was good enough for the Son of God, it's good enough for your ass!) How many have suffered for their sins, died for their beliefs, gotten wet beyond belief for the sadistic pleasure of their Evil Doms simply by being strapped to the simple X we affectionately call Saint Andy's Cross. First, a little background on Andy. He, along with his brother Pete, was a fishermen (so you know, he was used to certain .. smells coming from the cross.) He is said to be the patron saint of constipation which has been typo'd through the years as Constantinople. (Aren't you glad you have me here to clear this crap up for you? No, don't thank me yet. We'll do that in emails.) Anyway, he wasn't quite as big on the scene as Jessie, so didn't warrant getting crucified on an actual T so, they lowered the bar a bit, turned it sidewise and that's where the X, beloved by so many came into being. (I'm not just making this shit up, you know. I do research!) Andy had a hard limit against sharpies, so, he was actually bound rather than nailed to the cross and I hear he died a happy man with a smile on his face. Wouldn't you? Thanks for all the good times, Andy. You rock! ~~~~~ Oh. Oh! I'm so excited. She's here! The Evil One! You know her as that Wacky Waffle, Chickie of Chainsaws aka OwnedGirlie .. but we have discovered a much darker side to this sweet-seeming missy of mayhem.. I am proud to present our .. Interview with The Anti-Christ edited bi BitaTruble (special note to our readers - the questions asked during this interview may have been the subject of minor editing, but the answers are absolutely intact ... mostly.)
Bita: Good evening, OG. I'm so glad you agreed to speak with us and fill us in on all the happenings in and around the Underworld. Let's get to our first question, shall we? I understand that people have often referred to you as the Anti-Christ due to the drastic events which took place around the time of your birth.
OG: Yes, I was born by C-Section in a hospital the day Joseph Desire Mobutu seized power in the Congo and became President of the country he renamed Zaire. I was rather pissed actually, because I wanted that day all to myself…being a princess and all, so, the whole Anti-Christ thing seemed the only viable alternative to put the focus back on to me, where it rightfully belongs.
Bita: I see. So, tell me, in Hell, which is better to use during anal torture - beads, probes or something else?
OG: Probably a bottle. That must explain my love of a good wine or a good beer. I like a good bottle.
Bita: HaHa. Good one! Does using such a bottle leave you speechless or are you still able to articulate? If so, what do you generally say as the bottle is being placed?
OG: “Can you all just be quiet for a minute?!!”
Bita: Ah, yes. Focus is important in that instance. Is there anything that you would say should 'not' be inserted anally?
OG: I am deathly allergic to Kiwi. And cats, but they’re not food in most parts of this country.
Bita: Um. Okay. No kiwi, no cats. Got it.
OG: Oh, and I am good at anything having to do with my tongue, so tongue would work.
Bita: Tongue, okay. And is there anything you'd like to add about other body cavities or things you like to hide in them?
OG: If I told you, it wouldn’t be hidden anymore.
Bita: True that! Okay, moving on. Is there any sort of Hell rule about which hand to use when you force eternal masturbation onto an unrepentent sinner?
OG: I am right handed but I like my left hand better.
Bita: Okay, so sort of whatever floats your boat. Fair enough. Okay, next question and this refers a bit back to the first question as well. It's been foretold by all of the most popular clergy that the Evil One will have truble focusing and staying on topic. Have you found this to be true or is just a vicious rumor started by your competitors?
OG: I’d be a bird. Or a dog. I’d be a bird dog.
Bita: Um. I see. Oooookay. Well, let's talk about current events then. There is a presidental election coming up in the USA soon. Can you tell us who's going to win the White House?
OG: I slept with a night light as a child and again when I was 40.
Bita: ::blinks:: Um .. okay, how about we talk about the candidates then. For example, do you know where Ms. Clinton resides on the abortion issue?
OG: Why, she’s in San Diego, of course.
Bita: Well, actually, the California primaries are over so I think she's actually left the state already. We were talking about the abortion issue?
OG: According to a Wall Street Journal article, New York State wildlife expert Richard Thomas found that a woodchuck could chuck around 35 cubic feet of dirt in the course of digging a burrow. Thomas reasoned that if a woodchuck could chuck would, he would chuck an amount equal to 700 pounds.
Now, since a standard cord measures 4 feet x 4 feet x 8 feet = 128ft 3, dividing 128 by 35 (cubic feet of chucked dirt), I would say a if a woodchuck could chuck wood, he/she would chuck 3.657 cords of wood.
However, in the Lake States, a cord is considered to be 133.3ft 3, meaning said woodchuck would chuck 3.809 cords of wood if able.
Bita: Um. I'm asking you about abortion. Why are you bringing up wood chucks?
OG: Why ask why? You are getting your interview, now you must question why?
Bita: Okay. Sorry. Moving on then. What do you think of World Peace and do you think you can help achieve this before the actual bible thing in Revelations and stuff?
OG: Frankly, I think I would have a better chance at achieving whirled peas.
Bita: Yes, I can see where it would be difficult, but you have had 2000 years or so to get ready. Has there been something or someone in particular who has blocked your path to world domination?
OG: The tooth fairy and he's a cheap bastard, too. I mean, I non-consensually lost body parts and for this I got a quarter?? Just because those little suckers grow back into a more permanent form is no excuse. I have a tooth phobia for crying out loud – 25 cents hardly covers undue stress and hardship!
Bita: ::nervous laughter:: You seem a little perturbed. It's not as if someone just pushed your best friend into the Hudson wearing a pair of cement shoes or something! What's going on?
OG: If I told you, you’d have to join them.
Bita: ::gulps:: Um, okay, just calm down a bit, please. Have you actually had someone thrown into the Hudson wearing cement shoes?
OG: Yes, The number is 16 but we had a bit of a problem with number 15. The cement didn't set well and she floated.
Bita: ::sweating:: Um .. okay, well, who is your hero and why?
OG: Well, according to Yann Martel in his “Life of Pi,” the story will cause its readers to believe in God. And while I’ve certainly been known to cry out to God I'm really not looking to help convert, yanno?
Unless of course you are discussing rhubarb pie, but rhubarbs roots are not square.
Bita: ::looking around for some help from other staff members .. doesn't see anyone, so plugs on:: So, Yann Martel is your hero?
OG: Just ask that little little ole ant. He moved the rubber tree plant, after all. And everyone knows an ant can’t.
Bita: Is there some reason you want to bring chaos, evil and destruction to the entire world, you know, besides being the Anti-Christ and all?
OG: Because I can, of course.
Bita: Well, all I can say is God bless us all. I think we're in truble.
OG: My head just exploded.
Bita: Oh. I'm sorry. Uh, besides complete world domination is there anything else you want?
OG: Engineering students at Purdue University devised a licking machine that showed an average of 364 licks are needed to get to the center. More licks are needed if you're on the extreme left or the extreme right, but I'm going after the moderates.
How do I get my hands on that licking machine? Well…it’s not actually my hands that want it…
Bita: Oh, that's probably a bit more information than our readers really wanted. Has being a fallen angel effected you in other ways?
OG: No, it hasn’t. Oh, except I don’t like microwave popcorn. I only eat air popped popcorn, with salt and butter. And a beer (it’s that bottle thing).
Bita: Doesn't that give you gas?
OG: Gas is not for sale in my residence. You know. It's Hell. Fire. Brimstone. The whole place would explode.
Bita: good point! Well, okay then. OG, I'd like to thank you for the time you took to answer our questions. I appreciate your candor and, um, your glowing red eyes. They're really cute with your outfit by the way and they match your shoes perfectly!
OG: It was my pleasure, Bita. Thanks for having me.
~~~~
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Dear Bita, Do the nice people in the white clothes know you have been playing in the offices and using the computers? Saratov Dear Saratov, Of course not. You don't think I'd get permission to do this do you? Of course, permission is never required, incentive works just as well. Bita ~~~~~ Dear Bita, I've heard that you get meds, straightjackets, amd sippy cups in your insane asylum?! think i need to change asylums. All they do for us here is vaccum seal us in waterbed matresses and hit us with strips of braided kangaroo leather. Sensualist666 Dear 666 Come on over. There's plenty of space in the rubber room for ya. Bita ~~~~ Well, sinners, that's it for this issue. We've simply run out of space. Please remember, any comments made in regard to this newsletter are subject to editing and inclusion in future issues. SaintBitaTruble Editor-in-Chief TrubledTimes If you would like to be interviewed for an upcoming issue, please contact one of our service representatives at our earliest convenience. Thanks, Bita
< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 3/5/2008 2:10:14 AM >
|
RE: TrubledTimes Issue #24 - Gory Ones Satire - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread