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AAkasha -> RE: Real vs Ideal: Should we compromise? (9/23/2005 11:51:22 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Thanks for mentioning the dreaded stereotype, Akasha. I have a huge fetish wardrobe, and toys galore. Playing dressup is fun. But life is not a 24/7 scene!
What happens when the domme has cramps, or food poisoning, or a bad day at work? What happens when her pet or other loved one dies, and she is grief-stricken? Does she still have to be goddesslike to live up to the fantasy? She sure does, if you believe the porn, since the porn doesn't talk about REAL LIFE.
Sooner or later, someone has to do the laundry. I would rather have it be someone else, but if the submissive is working 60 hours that week, I think I can fold some towels and survive---and not be a bad domme because of it.
Is there a good way to get over these stereotypes? How about the seriously unattractive male stereotype, of the meek creature who never makes eye contact?
I think that more subs are realizing that a femdom is a woman first and foremost, and realizes she is not the insatiable latex queen that BDSM porn portrays. But there's so much more beyond that.
The bigger problem I think is in their perception of what they think a sub should be. Or, what they think femdoms want a sub to be. Their role models are the sniveling, groveling, robotic "worms" that porn portrays in film and fiction. I have never met a femdom who finds that type of man attractive on any level. But, that's all they know -- that's the way the subs behave in everything they have seen in read, so they think that's what they are supposed to do.
They also don't see that there are expectations on the other end. I'm talking specifically about "scene play" if you want to call it that -- but the actual power exchange/fetish activity. A femdom does not just need a "willing participant" -- she does not get her pleasure just from the act of xyz (insert fetish - flogging, doing cbt, strap on, tease & denial, etc.) -- the sub IS expected to do his part. The "act of submission" is *not* enough. Submissive men are not interchangable -- femdoms do not get their hunger/lust and think "damn, I need to dominate someone - anyone -- I don't care, just get me a body."
The bdsm porn does not talk about what the sub male does to please his femdom on that level. You don't see/read about how he learns to push her buttons by reacting in a way that makes her hotter. It does not show him actually interacting and engaging her in the power exchange so she's excited, intrigued, thrilled, challenged, satisfied.
Most men are perfectly capable of doing all of these things, but they need to know that it is expected of them. Many are not aware of it at first. Unfortunately, for many men, part of the fantasy/ideal is that he *doesn't* have to worry about it -- that he is not an active participant, but is instead a passive recipient. This ideal can be reinforced for years if he just sees pro femdoms only. Then he's in for a shock when he realizes a non-pay femdom has expectations.
Akasha
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