It's All About...Who?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

It's All About...Who?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> It's All About...Who?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

It's All About...Who? - 9/22/2005 9:05:35 PM

sebastian63

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/19/2005
Status: offline

Genuine question from an eager novice: Isn't it, in the end, a 50/50 deal? Meaning, in a scene, it's 50% each person's "kinks" aka turn-ons? I'm not sure how to separate my "kinks" from my desire to make Her happy. My "kinks" are the stepping stones towards the vast reserves of trust I have and long to give. Without bringing my "kinks" into play, there's nothing there for me.

Am I not a sub if I am more turned-on being spanked with a riding crop than with an old plastic spatula and I voice that preference or "kink"?

Or, to be more specific, a Domme who was considering me for some playing, knew I have an underwear fetish--my own, but tightie-whities, they add to the arousal of the humiliation. She knew this but at the end of our talk she said, Oh, and I expect my boys to be completely naked when they greet me, not a stitch.

So do I have a right to say Well, this actually turns me on, wearing the briefs, or is it my own fetishes I have "train" myself to give up in order to focus more on Her? Why do I have to give up my unique turn-ons just when I'm coming out with them?Or do I?

Post #: 1

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/22/2005 9:19:08 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

For me, the turn on -is- my partner getting what he wants.

Sure, there are spesific acts/objects I enjoy, but the main turn on is him doing what he likes, and me making him feel the way he wants to feel or being made to feel the wya he wants me to feel.

I believe that a relationship must be mutually fufilling to be a good relationship, however I think in many cases that fufilment can come from abandoning one's spesific desires. It's not a -bad- thing that one is only fufilled if certain fetishes are catered to, it's just not the kind of relationship I personally strive for.

For example, I am a masochist. I -adore- being hurt. That isn't my partner's thing. As a result, I don't get that kink fed. However, in not getting that kink fed I am being pleasing to him, which fufills me.

So, I am fufilled, which is what must happen for me to be ok with a relationship, but I'm not getting everything I want. Just the things I must have.

I dunno if that's a good explanation, but it's how I see things.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 2

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/22/2005 10:39:30 PM

lustiwench

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sebastian63

Genuine question from an eager novice: Isn't it, in the end, a 50/50 deal? Meaning, in a scene, it's 50% each person's "kinks" aka turn-ons? I'm not sure how to separate my "kinks" from my desire to make Her happy. My "kinks" are the stepping stones towards the vast reserves of trust I have and long to give. Without bringing my "kinks" into play, there's nothing there for me.

Am I not a sub if I am more turned-on being spanked with a riding crop than with an old plastic spatula and I voice that preference or "kink"?

Or, to be more specific, a Domme who was considering me for some playing, knew I have an underwear fetish--my own, but tightie-whities, they add to the arousal of the humiliation. She knew this but at the end of our talk she said, Oh, and I expect my boys to be completely naked when they greet me, not a stitch.

So do I have a right to say Well, this actually turns me on, wearing the briefs, or is it my own fetishes I have "train" myself to give up in order to focus more on Her? Why do I have to give up my unique turn-ons just when I'm coming out with them?Or do I?

Your turn ons are second to her turn ons, more often than not in the case of your underwear fetish the Domme would have used that particular thing as a reward for good behaviour or some other reason. You did the right thing letting her know what your turn ons are, but ultimately it is She who will decide how to use them....Maybe it doesn't turn her on to see a man in his tightie whities, so she is entitled as a Domme to see her needs met before yours...there are several ways to work this from the Domme's perspective....knowing of your fetish, maybe she will make you earn the right to wear them occasionally....also you should remember, it isn't about being turned on or sex, it is about who and what you are as a submissive and who and what She is as a Domme. The turn ons and kinky sex are just a side benefit. I hope that makes sense.

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 3

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/22/2005 10:48:39 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

By all means share your fetishes with your tops. Many will take them into account, or at least consider them. However, realize that they don't necessarily have to honor them. If they choose to go a different direction than what you would specifically want, realize that you also made a choice to give yourself to them in a submissive manner. You chose to obey, and you may not always like it.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 4

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/22/2005 11:10:14 PM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

You mentioned that you were talking to her for "play", so to me, that implies it was not something that was leading to a relationship, just a one time or occasional thing.

You are going to get opinions from one end of the spectrum to the other here, all well meaning (usually).

Personally, if you are just talking about meeting someone for a play session, you don't have to give up anything you don't want to, or likewise, can give up whatever you want. It is a play session, not a commitment. If your tightie whities are very important to you, and help you get to "that place" and you don't want to give them up, don't. It also means that that particular domme is probably going to pass on the playsession. That is a choice only you can make.

Developing a relationship in bdsm is not all that much different that in the vanilla world in a lot of ways. When we are thinking of getting into a relationship, kink or 'nilla, we each look at the qualities the other person has that we like/seek, and that we don't like. It is a personal decision as to what things you can't live without and those that you can.

For instance, perverseangelic knew going in that her masochistic needs would not be met, and she chose to go forward with things. That is her choice. I happen to enjoy anal sex. If I were talking with someone who was not interested, or even felt that it was only a "once in a blue moon" kind of thing, it doesn't mean that I give up that particular thing that I want. It means that the person I am talking to is not the right one for me, because I choose not to give that up for a partner.

Bottom line, being a sub does not mean giving up your choices, turn ons, wants, needs, or desires, just because "this" domme doesn't share them. Have patience and you will find one who you are compatible with. Or...if you want, leave the tightie whities at home and go have a ball. Choice is all yours to make, especially for a playsession. If you meet the mistress of your dreams and she detests your tightie whities, you will probably be all to happy to lose them for her.

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)

Post #: 5

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/22/2005 11:41:58 PM

MissChicane

Posts: 39
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline

i think it should be 50/50... why continue if you're only getting the short end of the stick? Everyone should be happy.

(in reply to FLButtSlut)

Post #: 6

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 12:21:47 AM

kezzo

Posts: 21
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

You will get a lot of crap here form the Dom's and especially the Domme's about how there needs are the ones that need/have to be met first
I agree with you both persons needs should be taken into account. Should you not be allowed to wear your tightie whities ..tell go jump the big one .... Patience and you will find the right partner...
good luck
Kezz

(in reply to MissChicane)

Post #: 7

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 5:43:07 AM

ChereeAmoor

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

Around here is 50/50, definitely! You ask

quote:

Am I not a sub if I am more turned-on being spanked with a riding crop than with an old plastic spatula and I voice that preference or "kink"?

and really, what you prefer to be spanked with is just that, a preference. It does not define you as more or less of anything. Now, there ARE things that I adore, like your tighty whitey fetish, for example, and Master knows it, and so they are reserved for rewards. Somehow, knowing that my favorties are "for special" makes them even hotter.

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 8

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 5:49:59 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sebastian63
Genuine question from an eager novice: Isn't it, in the end, a 50/50 deal? Meaning, in a scene, it's 50% each person's "kinks" aka turn-ons? I'm not sure how to separate my "kinks" from my desire to make Her happy. My "kinks" are the stepping stones towards the vast reserves of trust I have and long to give. Without bringing my "kinks" into play, there's nothing there for me.

In the end, every type of relationship out there requires the active participation and desire of the partners involved. If one person is feeling unfulfilled, the relationship itself isn't working.

That does NOT equate to "Well I gave you 2 blow jobs last week, which means you're now obligated to give me 2 blow jobs." or "I don't get to wear those kinds of things, so you don't get to wear those kinds of things."

quote:

So do I have a right to say Well, this actually turns me on, wearing the briefs, or is it my own fetishes I have "train" myself to give up in order to focus more on Her?

You have to decide what will be most fulfilling for you in the end. Yes, you have every right to say "hey I need my undies"

She then has every right to say "sorry that won't work for me" or "ok that sounds good"

quote:

Why do I have to give up my unique turn-ons just when I'm coming out with them?Or do I?

You're an adult, you don't have to do anything that won't fulfill you. Now, if you meet someone and decide being with them in the long term will be MUCH more fulfilling than having your undies on, then you can make that choice.

I can tell you here and now, whatever your kinks are, someone out there is compatible for them. Like in vanilla relationships, everyone has to choose what will make them most fulfilled in the end.

< Message edited by EmeraldSlave2 -- 9/23/2005 5:51:54 AM >

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 9

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 6:09:36 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
Have you ever considered you are not a submissive, but rather a bottom?
To me a submissive is just that. It's someone that submits to the will and desire of another without confrontations. It's OK to say oh Mistress I really like my own tightie-whities, but to feel like you've been jilted and express that seems very un-grateful and un-sub like to me.
I sub to friends and am a full slave to my Master. I express my desires, fetishes, kinks, and how I feel very clearly. The difference I feel is if that's not what the Top/Dom/Master feels like doing then so be it. In my submission I want to be pleasing to them and be a very good girl at it. What I do to be sure my needs are fulfilled is play with those who are into the same kinds of kinks so that it's mutually beneficial to us both.
I know in some relationships the sadist intentionally prefers to do things the sub hates way more than things they like, and the sub loves it more than getting his her way, as she/he is used as a vessel in their Master's pleasure. For some folks that what they live and breathe for with no concerns for their own pleasure.
In this life there are as many approaches as there are stars in the sky. I advise finding ones in the orbit you float in to be most fulfilled.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 10

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 7:59:17 AM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

You have to give and take if its just casual play...

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 11

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 8:10:49 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

So do I have a right to say Well, this actually turns me on, wearing the briefs, or is it my own fetishes I have "train" myself to give up in order to focus more on Her? Why do I have to give up my unique turn-ons just when I'm coming out with them?Or do I?

Sure, you should tell your dominant what turns you on. After that it is up to the dominant and I see three outcomes:

1. Dominant ignores what you want because it comes in conflict with the dominant's kink or just lack of interest
2. Dominant uses it to reward you or just for fun
3. Dominant always withholds that fetish from you as an exercise in control

From what you wrote here we can't tell how or if that information will be used, though you apparently assume #1 because of the demand to greet her naked. So you need to decide if not catering to your fetish is a deal breaker and if so, then find out for sure if you should keep looking.

It is also possible that the dominant doesn't always expect her boys to greet her naked, but said that to send the message that she's the boss BECAUSE you seemed demanding. So you should be careful when communicating such stuff so you won't be perceived as being a pain in the ass, because then you can get exactly the opposite of what you want as you may be learning here.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 9/23/2005 8:25:47 AM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 12

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 12:23:19 PM

RainGod

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline

quote:

Genuine question from an eager novice: Isn't it, in the end, a 50/50 deal? Meaning, in a scene, it's 50% each person's "kinks" aka turn-ons?

Ideally speaking, I would like to meet a girl whose kinks and desires closely match Mine in order to create a harmonious relationship. Am I wrong? Could this be why I have so much trouble finding someone? lol Of course, I realize the chances of finding someone who matches My kinks exactly may be slim, the more we share in common, the better I would like it.

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 13

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 5:15:28 PM

lonewolf05

Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Isn't it, in the end, a 50/50 deal?

==========

NO!
for ME it is about HER 100%.

wolfie

_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 14

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 5:37:00 PM

WickedKev

Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline

50/50? Sorry didn't realize this thread was about vanilla relationships....

(in reply to lonewolf05)

Post #: 15

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 7:01:52 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedKev

50/50? Sorry didn't realize this thread was about vanilla relationships....

Yeah, me too.

In a play situation, if we're talking strictly play. No commitments, no "relationship" involvement, I would agree that both parties should get what they want/need/desire from the play... IF that's what they've negotiated. For myself, if I'm on the bottom, it's all about Him. If I'm on Top, it's all about Me. If the bottom likes what I'm doing, that's great, but if he doesn't like it, that's even better. So sayeth the sadist in me.

However, if we're talking about a D/s or M/s relationship, then no, it's not a 50/50 deal. The slave is there to serve the needs, wants and desires of the Master. The Master is then responsible for taking care of the slave's NEEDS. All those preferences and desires and wants may be voiced, but it's entirely up to the Master to decide how, when and IF those wants and preferences are going to be granted. A wise Master is going to realize that just meeting the slave's basic needs, without occasionally granting them a want or a preference, is going to result in an unfulfilled slave. But just because we want or prefer something, doesn't mean we're entitled to it.

(in reply to WickedKev)

Post #: 16

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 7:35:42 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

It's all about "Who"

No, I much preferred Peter Townshend on his own.

Although, that kiddie Porn thing was disturbing, but who really knows?

Who are you...who, who, who, who?

I really wanna know!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 17

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 9:46:12 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

"Come on tell me who are you?!!!!"
I love the Who. They're awesome live.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 18

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 10:57:16 PM

MadameDahlia

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

I have various issues I wouldn't want to compromise on - as I'm sure most (though probably not all) other people do. These issues and desires are who I am - my core. They are what makes me who I am. I won't deny an aspect of myself and regret it later.

Be honest about what you want in a relationship. If those things are more important than your feelings for the individual the relationship will never work out in the end.

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)

Post #: 19

RE: It's All About...Who? - 9/23/2005 11:41:14 PM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sebastian63

Genuine question from an eager novice: Isn't it, in the end, a 50/50 deal? Meaning, in a scene, it's 50% each person's "kinks" aka turn-ons? I'm not sure how to separate my "kinks" from my desire to make Her happy. My "kinks" are the stepping stones towards the vast reserves of trust I have and long to give. Without bringing my "kinks" into play, there's nothing there for me.

Am I not a sub if I am more turned-on being spanked with a riding crop than with an old plastic spatula and I voice that preference or "kink"?

Or, to be more specific, a Domme who was considering me for some playing, knew I have an underwear fetish--my own, but tightie-whities, they add to the arousal of the humiliation. She knew this but at the end of our talk she said, Oh, and I expect my boys to be completely naked when they greet me, not a stitch.

So do I have a right to say Well, this actually turns me on, wearing the briefs, or is it my own fetishes I have "train" myself to give up in order to focus more on Her? Why do I have to give up my unique turn-ons just when I'm coming out with them?Or do I?

The OP stated it was a domme who was considering him for some PLAY. That is indicative of no relationship.

The rest of the stuff just goes back to the whole "prior to commitment" negotiations. If there are things that one must have in the one they seek, then if it isn't there, you move on. What happens AFTER those negotiations and the commitment is made is a whole different thing.

(in reply to sebastian63)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> It's All About...Who?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094