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Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 2:11:28 PM   
pupofMoGa


Posts: 165
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline 		I am wondering if i could get everyone's opinion on this matter. Mistress has pointed out that i have a tendancy to top from the bottom while having a conversation with Her. Sometimes when we have a conversation, it is light until She says She needs to go, then i bring up a topic worth an in-debth discussion which upsets Mistress a lot. I know there is no excuse for my behavior. I feel ashamed about this and hope Mistress will forgive me for my behavior. Please share your thoughts, i would appreciate it.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 2:16:37 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		That certainly sounds like topping from the bottom ot me. Trying to seize control of the situation.  I am sure your Mistress will find a way to correect your behavior.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 2:20:43 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I'm a little confused here.   Is it the fact you are one starting a conversation topic, or the fact that you are starting up a topic when she has to get going and has other things to do?

I don't have a problem with a submissive starting or bringing up a topic to talk about, I really don't look at or view this as a D/s dynamic one bit.  Just basic human communication.

Now, if however somebody is trying to start up a new topic and they know I have other things to do, such as get back to work, or in the middle of something.   This tends to wear my patients thin.    I really don't have much tolerence for this from anybody be them sub,slave, switch, Dom, vanilla, family member, friends, work peers, you name it.

Basically, it's a matter of respect for another persons time.   I personally have a couple of friends that will attempt to talk my ear off when I say "I have to get going soon".   Basically, if I only have 5 min to talk to somebody on the phone, or need to be some place soon or insert other reasons, that's all I have to devote to the conversation.   Unless it's something that is a serious and pressing issue.   If it's just bullshit conversation that can wait for another day, I hope people can respect my time and the schedule I have.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 2:22:52 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds like being desperate that she doesnt leave, Topping from the bottom is in my opinion an over used term and i have seen it be used as a way to stop a sub express an opionion/emotion.

If you know that you are doing it AND that it upsets her then cant you umm not do it? If you do have something important to talk about then talk about it earlier. And why not actually express your emotions? "I can see you are leaving and I will miss you when you are gone" something like that? I dunno I dont know your dynamic so i cant really comment


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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 2:24:55 PM   
justdavid


Posts: 30
Joined: 7/19/2005
From: Saint Joseph, MO
Status: offline 		If you are doing it consciously then it is poor behavior. Subconsciously though to me would make it fall into a gray area. I believe two people having conversations just cannot always have the power dynamic analyzed with every word coming out of their mouth to lay a comment about topping from the bottom as some sin on the submissive. Holding conversations and when to end them is a way of life. Most of us on a daily basis without thought will say things like I got to go and three subjects and fifteen minutes later finally end it.

But if this is something serious to them for your relationship then in all honesty both of you are at fault and need to work on it. You need to learn to honor her words by not getting lost in normally a very vanilla situation and she should be able to just “no, we are done” and not to get upset and help train you. The end mutually beneficial result should be the concern then assigning blame and probably blown out of proportion emotional thoughts.


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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 2:25:22 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		It sounds as though you are trying to extend your time with her.  Although you probably realise that.
The best way to get through this I found was to realise that by removing yourself from her when she needs to go is a very submissive action - because you don't want to.  It's always easier to submit when it's something you want to do - harder when it's something you dislike doing.  It isn't more submissive but very submissive.  And the sooner your time apart occurs, the quicker it passes - or you are really just postponing the inevitable and prolonging your own agony.
 
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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 2:25:23 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		If somebody needs to go, and you start into a new topic regardless of how worth wild of a topic for debate, you are being disrespectful of the other person.  

If you really need to talk to them about a serious issue or problem, let them know what the topic is about, let them decide if they can spare the time or not.   If they say, we'll talk later, then respect it.  Because trying to talk serious talk with somebody who is pressed for time will not be a good quality conversation.

If you do this same thing with your friends, you need to stop back and reflect upon your basic manners and how respectful you are towards others.    Everybody can not gossip and talk about things all day and night long.  

If anybody says, I need to get going, listen to what they are telling you and believe them.   The whole world does not evol around everything you want to talk about you know.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 2:59:07 PM   
Smoothicen


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/16/2008
Status: offline
Everyday conversation falls in the category of human interaction. Unless you two have specific rules regarding this or unless you are trying to impose on your domme then it's not topping from the bottom.

Strictly speaking, this only occurs in a D's context in which the sub has willingly given command, then somehow tries to exert control over the situation.

None of us here really know the dynamic that you and your domme share, but if you think of it in this context, you'll know where you stand.

Good luck.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 3:00:48 PM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		hi

i know that in my last relationship i topped from the bottom alot, not a situation i ever want again because it totally undermined what little power exchange was going on and in the end the whole thing frazzled, it was going to anyway, i just pushed it until it did.

i think that maybe youre need to keep your mistress engaged is an issue within yourself that for your mistress and ultimately yourself also, needs to be resolved.  clearly it bothers you enough to write it on here.

if it was me i would use it as an opportunity to strengthen my submission because it is the difficult things for us that perhaps mean more in submission than the easy things that take no effort to do or give.  maybe say to her that you are going to work on this thing so that she knows you are aware of the problem and are trying to address it.

i found myself in a very odd situation of feeling empathy for a male sub who was desparate to be dommed.  so in my subbie way i submitted myself to the task and tried my best for him, as a sort of half way house until he found someone.  well it was, as you can imagine a total disaster!

the thing i found the most frustrating was that whilst i was making an effort and it was a massive effort for me, he just didnt even try to enter into the spirit of things.  the reason i mention this is that i learnt first hand how damned frustrating it is to domme if the sub ignores your directives.  for him it was in toto, but im sure largely because i was totally useless at it and he knew i was a sub.  the point im  trying to make, verbosely, is that frustrating our dominants is only ever going to be pointless. itll bug them and upset you and largely speaking get noone anywhere.

i hope you have found a solution or will soon.

love lally

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 3:01:49 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		I keep on hearing about this "topping from the bottom", but never about bottoming from the top. Surprising, because there are tons of bratty Doms out there  .

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 3:08:08 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pupofMoGa

I am wondering if i could get everyone's opinion on this matter. Mistress has pointed out that i have a tendancy to top from the bottom while having a conversation with Her. Sometimes when we have a conversation, it is light until She says She needs to go, then i bring up a topic worth an in-debth discussion which upsets Mistress a lot. I know there is no excuse for my behavior. I feel ashamed about this and hope Mistress will forgive me for my behavior. Please share your thoughts, i would appreciate it.


I had a girl that used to do that exact same thng to me.  I'd tell her we will have this conversation later.  She would say I hate when you do that. My reply so do I.  Bring up a topic when I have to leave.  She got the message after a couple of times.

BadOne


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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 3:14:40 PM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		Bad dog!

(Don't upset your Mistress mmmkay?)

Now roll over and she might rub your tummy.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 4:14:45 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		This is a pretty easy case.  You've got a habit, whether through conscious or unconscious means, it exists.  You are now both aware of it.  From now on you can work to remember to bring up good topics earlier in the conversation, write them down to remember them for next time, and when you forget she can remind you that this is a habit you ned to work on changing and end the conversation anyway.

I also feel your shame is a waste of energy and forgiveness isn't what you need to talk about here.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 4:45:50 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Are you doing this so she has time to think about the topic? Because that's not a bad thing to do as long as she understands why you introduce it at the end. I'm not sure I see the problem though. She's still capable of telling you that the topic needs to be discussed in full, and it will wait for next time, but in the meantime you need to write out your thoughts on it so you can express yourself clearly.

If you're doing this so she can't respond then you need to think about why and tell her. Was this an effective thing to do as an um, because then you wouldn't be yelled at? She, and you, need to identify why this is your preferred style.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 4:49:12 PM   
dcfirmhand


Posts: 20
Joined: 2/23/2008
From: DC
Status: offline 		It appears to me you are experiencing some degree of "separation anxiety" -- a common problem with puppies! ;-) You are either intentionally or subconsciously trying to get her to stay, by broaching a topic that would require her to stay if she were to address it fully. You don't really indicate whether it's an intentional or subconscious act on your part, though. Which is it?

If it is an intentional act, then you need to either (a) just stop it since you know your Mistress dislikes it or (b) express the desire in a less passive-aggressive way, e.g. instead of trying to "trick" her into staying by luring her into a lengthy conversation, just outright say "Mistress, it would be meaningful to me and greatly appreciated by me if you could stay a little longer because _____________" (insert your underlying reason -- which you might have to think about!). I'm sure that would be much more appreciated than the "last-minute-but-in-depth" conversation.

If it's a subconscious reaction, and now it has been pointed out to you by your Mistress, then you should ask for her help in correcting that behavior. Ask her to set up appropriate means to help you deal with the "separation anxiety" more appropriately. From your email I only get one side of the story, so I wouldn't want to disparage your Mistress, but it does seem surprising to me that she is upset about this. This seems like a minor infraction, and one that could be effectively addressed through firm corrections by your Mistress at the time of the infraction and, perhaps, by her planning and communicating a separate, specific time in the future to discuss the "last-minute-but-in-depth" topic. In other words, she could set a firm boundary and set a clear expectation. As long as she follows through on both, the behavior should be easily corrected.

And as others have mentioned, this doesn't seem much like "topping from the bottom" to me. Not every behavior that needs correcting is "topping from the bottom." I agree with the previous posters who've said that term gets overused.


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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 5:16:31 PM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		Her statement is law--She knows your work schedule, She knows your school schedule and She knows when She does too much, She gets tired and must rest at that moment, you need to respect that.  If you have things to tell Her, make a list and send them to Her and She can address them as She sees fit.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 6:36:07 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings pup. Personally, this sounds like a case of bad timing on your part. My thoughts that this is not a case of TFTB. As i see it, you just have a habit of bringing up a topic when your Mistress has other things to attend to and it may not be appropiate at that time to broach her with another serious topic for discussion.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 6:44:43 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		There's a difference between communication and acting out the "inner fucktard."

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 7:59:52 PM   
SubbieOnWheels


Posts: 590
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		pup, you've had a scare with your Mistress's health. Is this trend a recent one, or a long-standing difficulty?

If it's of recent origin, I can understand that your fears have made you so glad that she is here to talk to you that you want it to go on and on. It's not so much what she says as the sound of her voice.

If it's been going on for a while, then you need to be more respectful of her wishes. As Lady Hathor said, she needs rest - not just physical rest but rest from emotional turmoil as well.

In either case, it does little good to put your tail between your legs and go off to hide. The best option I can think of is to put a sign by your phone (or tape it to your cell phone) saying, "When Mistress is done talking, the conversation is over." This will help you get into the habit of listening to what she is saying and respecting her wishes.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom - 3/4/2008 9:08:02 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		To the pup with the bone on his nose: Bottom line has that if She tells You She needs to go the decision is Hers and a final one to obey

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