I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long

I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (Full Version)

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Treasure3 -> I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 2:21:19 PM)
On the forums, we read threads about dominants/masters/sadists who, once they fall in love with their submissive/slave, no longer engage in play at the original intensity. Often, I have found myself shaking my head and thinking, "but if he really loved her, he would continue to give her what she needs." This afternoon, I wish I could take back all those thoughts. After a lot of soul-searching over the past few days, the light dawned and I realized I am on the reverse side of such a situation. I was a pretty heavy masochist when I met the man who is now my master. Over time, feelings grew between us, and we had some challenges when it came to play. I was willing and he wasn't comfortable playing as hard as we did in the beginning. We worked on that, and he has been eager and needing to play at that level again. Problem is, I can't tolerate it any longer. The desire, the need, the craving is still there, but when the flogger, whip, paddle, hand, or any kind of impact lands, I fall to pieces. Then I feel badly because we were both looking so forward to it, he has been craving letting the sadist out to play, and I feel I disappoint him and fail him, no matter how much he reassures me I do neither. It has become a repeating loop, a vicious circle. This happened again a few days ago. We were both excited and happy to be there. I was thrilled as I thought I had worked through the things that were bothering me about impact play. I wanted to feel the sting of the three floggers he had let me pick out for the first part of the session. I wanted to please him, to give him what he needed and wanted. The first time the flogger landed, light as it was (and it was a LIGHT swing on his part), my mind went elsewhere. Instantly, I was NOT happy, no longer wanted to be there, screaming in my head that I did not want to be hit. I was angry. I wanted away from those floggers, kept moving out of reach, and tears were freely flowing. And there wasn't even any pain yet! Only a few minutes after the session started, we stopped and talked and I told him what was going on in my head. He was wonderful about it. I've sought out pain play since finding BDSM, but always before meeting my master, there was no emotional connection with my partners. We were friends, but there was always a colder, more distant feeling. It was easier to just take the pain because the dominant was getting what he needed by giving the pain, I was getting what I needed from recieving it, yet there wasn't any messy emotions to get in the way. I wasn't even that in touch with my body. Even after heavy beatings, the pain would immediately disappear and even deep bruises, welts, or cuts didn't hurt when I touched them. Incidentally, none of my previous play included any sexual activites. Now, I am involved with my master. I am in love with him and he with me. We connect on every level, not just BDSM. He is not going to end the relationship over this. I feel secure and safe and loved. Just today I realized that is the problem. I don't want to be hit again by someone I love. All my life, the people I loved, first my parents and then my ex, hit me in anger. There is no anger when my master hits me. It isn't the same, but somehow, my mind doesn't recognize this. How do I get back to a place where I can not only take it but enjoy it? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice would be welcomed. I will continue to talk with my master about this. I'm just looking for opinions and thoughts from those who may have been there, done that.

LadyLynx -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 2:28:43 PM)
I think that you already know the answear. You are getting what you need and more from your Master, so you no longer feel the desire for pain. Though I am not sure about the rest, maybe you regressed? hmmmm

Padriag -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 2:30:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Treasure3 that is the problem. I don't want to be hit again by someone I love. All my life, the people I loved, first my parents and then my ex, hit me in anger. There is no anger when my master hits me. It isn't the same, but somehow, my mind doesn't recognize this. How do I get back to a place where I can not only take it but enjoy it? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice would be welcomed. I will continue to talk with my master about this. I'm just looking for opinions and thoughts from those who may have been there, done that. You've already hit on the root of the problem... there's some emotional baggage there, some emotional scars from the past you need to deal with. I need to think on this before giving any sort of specific advice. But in the meantime, here's the short version. You need to confront that part of your past, deal with the emotions, deal with the behaviors and desires you developed stemming from that past, then separate that past from your present. Put another way, suppose you went swimming because growing up all your friends did. You didn't learn to like it because it was necessarily what you wanted to do, but you learned to do it because its what everyone else expected and did. Now you need to learn to like swimming for your own reasons. Pain became part of your life for some negative reasons in your past. At this point, you need to find your own reasons for it... ones that aren't negative at their root. I'll try to write more, and more clearly when I've had time to think about this.

Treasure3 -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 2:33:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyLynx I think that you already know the answear. You are getting what you need and more from your Master, so you no longer feel the desire for pain. Though I am not sure about the rest, maybe you regressed? hmmmm Thank you for posting LadyLynx. Maybe I am missing the meaning you intended, but I DO still desire pain. I still thoroughly enjoy other kinds on pain play, just not impact play. I even still get excited by the thought of a good whipping or caning or even spanking. The problem comes in when I am actually receiving those things. You are right, I am getting what I need and more from my master. No doubt. But I still want to be able to take the beatings. I rationally know there is a HUGE difference between play and the abuse I went through, I just can't get my emotions to buy into it.

Treasure3 -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 2:37:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag quote: ORIGINAL: Treasure3 that is the problem. I don't want to be hit again by someone I love. All my life, the people I loved, first my parents and then my ex, hit me in anger. There is no anger when my master hits me. It isn't the same, but somehow, my mind doesn't recognize this. How do I get back to a place where I can not only take it but enjoy it? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice would be welcomed. I will continue to talk with my master about this. I'm just looking for opinions and thoughts from those who may have been there, done that. You've already hit on the root of the problem... there's some emotional baggage there, some emotional scars from the past you need to deal with. I need to think on this before giving any sort of specific advice. But in the meantime, here's the short version. You need to confront that part of your past, deal with the emotions, deal with the behaviors and desires you developed stemming from that past, then separate that past from your present. Put another way, suppose you went swimming because growing up all your friends did. You didn't learn to like it because it was necessarily what you wanted to do, but you learned to do it because its what everyone else expected and did. Now you need to learn to like swimming for your own reasons. Pain became part of your life for some negative reasons in your past. At this point, you need to find your own reasons for it... ones that aren't negative at their root. I'll try to write more, and more clearly when I've had time to think about this. Thank you Padriag. I will look forward to hearing your further thoughts. Just as a side note, I have been through counselling in the past to deal with these issues. I thought they had all been neatly put away. Guess the suitcase got dumped out. :(

Kana -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 2:43:39 PM)
It might not be just be the emotional connectivity, It may be that you have lost your tolerence.That happens alot, especially with those who play hard, then stop for extended periods of time. Try starting slow, mix some heavy sensual play into it, then let it build slowly over a period of time. Sometimes that works to pull one back into it. Mix it up, do lots of other things and intertwine impact play into it, a little at first and then accelerating. It may work. Then again maybe it won't. But at least you will have tried it.

colouredin -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 2:46:08 PM)
Sometimes we dont realise why we do the things we do because we hide it or pretend its not there. Your own admission of the associating pain with abusive relationships is a very brave one. It is also true that we normally have emotional relapses around people we feel most comfy with, if we are used to a certain thing and come to believe that is what we are to expect our mind lashes out against it. This can manifest in differant ways, and finding the reasons for it is the most important thing when trying to combat it. We have to own the feelings and then work on them. Think why you get that way and talk about it. Remember that its a mental response rather than physical and see what you need to help yourself get back into the mental space that you want to be in. Understanding that his flogging/caning etc is bourne out of love doesnt change the physical feeling of it. Its a far more healthy place from it to come from. It will take time and talking and understanding.

Owner4SexSlave -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 2:59:43 PM)
Dear Treasure, I hope this might make some sense to you. It's not from a D/s perspective but from a S&M perspective. Actually more of an issue of punishment vs. love. Being the Maso Dom that I am, I'm going to fess up here on a few things regarding S&M and my Maso side. I find my maso streak comes out more when I am being hard or down on myself. Basically in a state of mind where I want to punish myself. Hell, it does not even have to be being upset at myself. I could be going through a stressful period or point in life at the moment. When I'm stressed, my Maso side tends to come out more. I'll admit it, the pain, the rush, and the sensation of release from it, it calms me down and puts me into a happy place again. When everything around me in peaceful and very loving, my maso side goes into hybernation. I have had my submissive partners in the past inflict pain upon me for a release. I was totally concious of what was going on, even expressed this to them clearly, and why I needed a good pain fix. I've spent some time this last year and half exploring more of myself and my BDSM twisted world. One thing I have found is the desire for "love vs. punishment", which one is greater at the time. There are times when I'm pushing myself to become bigger or better at something, and I simply want to push myself. So, I'm into a few painful things along with that push. Yes, I will top from the bottom and do everything I can to have a submissive inflict pain upon me. When I'm more content and at ease, I'm not very maso. If I have had a fucking stressed out day, well I'm looking for pain or to cause pain. Geee.. did I just say that out in the open or what. BDSM play itself can be a great outlet for stress. Some people have a hard time playing rough when everything is calm, quiet and peaceful. I'm convinced this is why, I enjoy subs that will act bratty or act up at times. Because it pulls me out of the calm dullness into something a little more excietment with some friction. Oh goodie goodie, time to play a little rough now. If you are getting the Love and attention you need from your Master, you might not being looking for pain and punishment anymore as you once did. Ironic as this one sounds. This does not effect your D/s dynamics, it's just a change in your Maso streak as a normal human reaction. So you are not the hardcore painslut you once thought yourself to be. Explore other activities, such as body art, bondage, and etc....

littlebitxxx -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 3:27:13 PM)
I think Whiplash hit the nail on the head. It may just be that in playing hard with no emotional attachment you were almost in effect purging yourself from your past. Taking the pain willingly instead of being forced into it, dealing with it and letting it go. Now that you have a loving relationship without abuse (the forced pain) you may no longer need the willing pain. Your mind may have turned it around and made the SM you think you enjoy regress into the abuse aspect again. Whiplash also mentioned the cathartic effect of SM after a stressful day. I agree. I find I can take so much more, ask for so much more, if I'm in a down mood (down on myself) or angry or upset. It's almost a "take that!" by proxy. The endorphins serve to purge my soul and I feel much better afterward. On a good day, a happy mood, I really don't want heavy play. Almost feels like it would ruin a good mood even though I know it doesn't. Kana also had a good point. Maybe being away from heavy play for awhile lowered your tolerance. Happens to me too. Combined with heavy sensual play may help bring it back up. Good luck to you, chin up.

Paulsgirl -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 3:34:58 PM)
Your master has healed you. Now you have become a slave to love rather than a submissive to pain.

Treasure3 -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 3:42:14 PM)
littlebitxxx and Owner4SexSlave, thank you both for posting. I think you are both right. Before, when I was playing without the attachment, it was very cathartic. I was owning the pain, using it, not the other way around. Looking back, I can see that. I do use pain as a way to deal with particularly stressful times. In the past, it was a way of coping when there was no one to turn to for a hug or a shoulder or just an ear. Now, no matter how stressed I may be when I first get to Master's, first thing I get a big hug and all of that melts away. Perhaps that is a key, that I don't have the need to release the stress by enduring pain because I have a strong, supportive, loving partner who will listen and talk about things that are on my mind. Still, I do want to get back to where I can handle the impact play. I know we have to start slowly and build up again, but somehow, I have to get past to that point. Right now, it doesn't matter how lightly he starts, it is hitting a trigger and we never get far enough for it to actually hurt.

Treasure3 -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 3:44:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Paulsgirl Your master has healed you. Now you have become a slave to love rather than a submissive to pain. Yes, in many ways, he has healed me. :) Beautiful words and thought. I just want to be able to endure the pain because I love him. sighs

Treasure3 -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 3:45:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin Sometimes we dont realise why we do the things we do because we hide it or pretend its not there. Your own admission of the associating pain with abusive relationships is a very brave one. It is also true that we normally have emotional relapses around people we feel most comfy with, if we are used to a certain thing and come to believe that is what we are to expect our mind lashes out against it. This can manifest in differant ways, and finding the reasons for it is the most important thing when trying to combat it. We have to own the feelings and then work on them. Think why you get that way and talk about it. Remember that its a mental response rather than physical and see what you need to help yourself get back into the mental space that you want to be in. Understanding that his flogging/caning etc is bourne out of love doesnt change the physical feeling of it. Its a far more healthy place from it to come from. It will take time and talking and understanding. Thank you for your post. We are talking and he is the most patient person I have ever met.

BitaTruble -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 3:51:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Treasure3 I don't want to be hit again by someone I love. How do I get back to a place where I can not only take it but enjoy it? Read the two lines you wrote. You've been walking forward. Consider that you may have walked away from or beyond getting hit. You know, you don't have to take a step backwards. You don't ever have to go back to that place again if you don't want to. Ever. You said there are other things you enjoy. Embrace those because Treasure, if you don't want to get hit by someone you love .. then you shouldn't be. ~hugs~ Celeste ::repost:: Outside pain doesn't hurt so much nor last so long as inside pain. It's temporary, superficial, heals quickly and makes you live when the inside feels as if it's died. It brings the tears and if you are fortunate those can help wash away the dirt and the invisible scars left behind by the remembered and forgotten past. Sometimes you scrub and scrub until you are raw and bleeding and just can't seem to get clean then someone who loves you picks up a whip ... and they start to kiss you with it ... and the more they kiss you and the more welts and bruises which rise up on your skin the less the ones on the inside can effect you, and they are hidden away until the next time you feel overwhelmed by them. With enough bathing in pain, you can discover that you have finally healed inside. There are no more scars. No more threats to your peace. No more destructive, chaotic thoughts and you have become the person you were meant to be .. living to your potential .. not making excuses for the past or needing them for the future. Neither forgiving nor blaming what brought you to that place where it became a need ... but appreciating it when it became a desire ... one which you could, without regret, give away knowing that no harm would come to you for it. When you have shed enough tears to fill the oceans and to salt the Earth ... when you believe there are none left to give ... that you have dried up ... the pain can make you believe again ... if in nothing else, your own humanity. I would wish for it to always be a desire .. and never a need .. had I a wish.

dcfirmhand -> RE: I feel like I've been blindsided by myself - long (3/4/2008 4:16:57 PM)
Treasure3-- That's a really powerful and honest post. You indicated that people you have loved -- your parents and your ex -- inflicted pain out of anger (and I can only assume that wasn't pleasurable for you). You indicated that previous Doms, who didn't love you and whom you didn't love, inflicted pain for reasons other than anger. But now this new experience -- being on the receiving end of pain being inflicted by someone you love out of feelings other than anger -- is throwing you for a loop. But that's perfectly okay -- new experiences, masochistic or not, tend to throw us all for a loop. The discomfort and frustration you're feeling is a signal from our brains & bodies that we need to focus our attention on this new experience and figure out a way to process the new information productively. So pay attention to your instincts. I'd say the first step is what you & your master have already started doing -- discussing it to focus your attentions on it. Keep on doing that! :-) You might get back to the same place eventually. Or you & he might find that this sort of play isn't really right for your evolving relationship, and you might find yourselves in an entirely different place. Only you & he can determine what the right path is for the two of you, and talking openly with each other is the best way to figure that out.

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