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On service and being "wanted"? - 3/4/2008 8:53:54 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
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Inspired by a variety of threads on service subs...

For those who are in strictly asexual, non S/M, D/s relationships... Is this your only relationship, or do you have an other that you go to to feel physically desired? Or are you still looking for that relationship? Or do you not feel a need for it?

If it is enough to know that you are serving someone, have you ever desired more physical intimacy? If so, what made you transcend that/learn to live without it/realize you didn't need it/other?

Is the need to be desired something you've never had? Something you've been broken of? Something you've sublimated?

Post #: 1

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/4/2008 9:42:55 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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You're mixing up a lot of wants and desires. I have been in relationships which were asexual. Sometimes it was a primary reason for the relationship ending, sometimes not. My first year with my partner was not sexual at all- neither of us really wanted it to be. When we did, it was.

If you are being allowed to serve, then you are wanted- just not for sex.

I don't value someone who lives without sex more than someone who lives without movies or without family. We all have things which are necessary to our fulfillment and things which are not. Relationships are about finding ones that work together well. I know subs are always trying to be martyrs and all that crap- but I insist on being with someone who refuses to compromise who they are. Even if who they are is someone who submits to the authority of another.

_____________________________

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(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 2

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/5/2008 4:30:12 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
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From: Chicago, IL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

For those who are in strictly asexual, non S/M, D/s relationships... Is this your only relationship, or do you have an other that you go to to feel physically desired? Or are you still looking for that relationship? Or do you not feel a need for it?

it's my primary relationship with Daddy and quite frankly i'm doing very well without physical intimacy. right now, at the height of my career and family situation, there's no need for another relationship. does this make me a sexual prude? nope but whomever i do decide to be physically intimate will be one lucky guy.

quote:

If it is enough to know that you are serving someone, have you ever desired more physical intimacy? If so, what made you transcend that/learn to live without it/realize you didn't need it/other?

this probabaly doesn't apply to me since i've never desired more physical intimacy. i have my music, manuscripts, bands/reviews and my UMs to keep my mind off wanting physical intimacy.

quote:

Is the need to be desired something you've never had? Something you've been broken of? Something you've sublimated?

don't know the answer to that one

_____________________________

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Post #: 3

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/5/2008 8:58:01 AM

meticulousgirl

Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
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for me the desire for a relationship will probably always be there....but, honestly i'm happy as a slave.

~meticulous~

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/5/2008 8:41:53 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
If you are being allowed to serve, then you are wanted- just not for sex.

Well, i look at it from the same perspective as the endless bad-mouthing of fetishists...When does it cross the line between wanting the person who does X, and wanting X done and to hell with who does it?

quote:

but I insist on being with someone who refuses to compromise who they are. Even if who they are is someone who submits to the authority of another.

i don't mean to be confrontational or condescending, but that seems very idealistic to me. Being functional in society is all about compromising who you are- going to work, suppressing the fight-or-flight instinct in confrontations, fitting the beauty ideal, meeting the standard of the day. If you don't compromise, you end up unemployed, in jail, or both.

It's just... being wanted is the most unrealistic thing in the world, and i need to be rid of it. i need the secret. There has to be one!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/5/2008 8:54:46 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Dave, I have no idea why you would think that no one would want you.
You're funny, well-spoken, and interesting.
There are times in our lives when we are meant to be on our own for whatever reason, and, (from experience) trying to hurry that time usually ends badly. For me, anyway.
Or...after reading this thread again...are you in a service relationship and you deeply hope the other person will someday want more? That could be a tough one. If that is the case, you have to decide if you can serve even if it never develops into what you want.
If that is the case, that is a very difficult question to answer.
Only you know that.

If that is the case, that is a very difficult question to answer.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 6

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/5/2008 9:25:08 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
Dave, I have no idea why you would think that no one would want you.

30 years of experience. Never propositioned, never "hit on", never looked at with desire, never chosen for the dance. iyam what iyam.

But the "pure" service sub concept is too prevalent to be myth, but clearly i'm missing something... How do you feel more valuable than a maid/butler/handyman who isn't worth a paycheck?

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 7

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/5/2008 9:34:10 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I haven't done it, but, I've considered doing it.
I think it would be in the relationship itself.
How you made that person feel, and how he/she made you feel.
You can definitely be valued, needed and loved without sex.
I know there are those that only have the service relationship, with 'no' other relationship (sometimes not even speaking) at all, but, I was never able to figure that one out either.
Hopefully someone who has been on either side of this issue can give us some more insight.
Gosh, Dave, you don't ask the easy questions do you?...

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 8

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/5/2008 9:50:43 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
Gosh, Dave, you don't ask the easy questions do you?...

i usually figure out the easy stuff on my own without bothering anyone. i'm good at easy.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 9

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/6/2008 10:58:29 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

Yeah, so how about walking away from this discussion with the only person who's ever cared to touch you:

(teasing) "I'm not sure that I'll be able to attend" <lifestyle event> "because it interferes with" <TV show>

(responding in kind) "Well, i guess i'll just have to go by myself and hope no one wanders off with me"

(immediately) "Who would wander off with you?"

(long silence)

(quietly) "Cannibals?"

"I mean..." <etc. etc.>

...

But out of all the submissives on this website, i'm the only one who's out there cooking and cleaning and working and building and deciding and fixing... and giving even the slightest thought to "why me?"?

Seems implausible. Where my peeps at? Nobody can hook a brotha up? We're talkin' kharma, here, dudes. Kharma.

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 10

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/7/2008 12:37:42 AM

VMistressV

Posts: 78
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

God that's some funny shit. It's weird, your pic doesn't make you look fat, but then again. With the hair you don't look exactly male either.
Unless I'm a complete moron and that's actually your gf or something

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

Yeah, so how about walking away from this discussion with the only person who's ever cared to touch you:

(teasing) "I'm not sure that I'll be able to attend" <lifestyle event> "because it interferes with" <TV show>

(responding in kind) "Well, i guess i'll just have to go by myself and hope no one wanders off with me"

(immediately) "Who would wander off with you?"

(long silence)

(quietly) "Cannibals?"

"I mean..." <etc. etc.>

...

But out of all the submissives on this website, i'm the only one who's out there cooking and cleaning and working and building and deciding and fixing... and giving even the slightest thought to "why me?"?

Seems implausible. Where my peeps at? Nobody can hook a brotha up? We're talkin' kharma, here, dudes. Kharma.

_____________________________

You can have the stable partners, Give me a stable of partners.
http://myspace.com/vmistressv

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 11

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/7/2008 7:08:58 AM

postulant

Posts: 32
Joined: 12/14/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave
When does it cross the line between wanting the person who does X, and wanting X done and to hell with who does it?

Dear Lord does this resonate with me!

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave
It's just... being wanted is the most unrealistic thing in the world, and i need to be rid of it. i need the secret. There has to be one!

I can't comment on how realistic it may or may not be. My gut reaction is that it depends on the situation and the people involved but I need to give it some more thought.

I'd like to offer though that I do believe it's very natural to want to feel desired by another. To be found attractive enough and suitable as a mate is a basic human instinct, no?

I understand that we usually make it much more complicated than that. And of course we're intelligent creatures who have some control over our desires and behaviors. But perhaps you're being unfair, or at the very least unkind, to yourself by believing that your yearning to be found appealing and desirable is a flaw or a fault? Would you think just as harshly if the person struggling with this was a beloved friend instead of you?

p.

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 12

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/7/2008 10:12:42 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave
Well, i look at it from the same perspective as the endless bad-mouthing of fetishists...When does it cross the line between wanting the person who does X, and wanting X done and to hell with who does it?

Where ever you say it does.

quote:

i don't mean to be confrontational or condescending, but that seems very idealistic to me. Being functional in society is all about compromising who you are- going to work, suppressing the fight-or-flight instinct in confrontations, fitting the beauty ideal, meeting the standard of the day. If you don't compromise, you end up unemployed, in jail, or both.

When you're talking about life in general, sure.

When you're talking about your primary personal intimate long term relationship- not at all. Of anything in life to NOT compromise on, of anything you do not HAVE to compromise on, why would you choose that?

I'm not saying there isn't compromise in relationships, simply that there never is any compromise of who I am. To me that is the primary thing which makes love possible at all.

Idealistic? Yes. In my case, also realistic.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 13

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/7/2008 11:32:36 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

Who says you can't be in a service based relationship AND have sex and play?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/7/2008 7:34:55 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: postulant

But perhaps you're being unfair, or at the very least unkind, to yourself by believing that your yearning to be found appealing and desirable is a flaw or a fault?

i wouldn't necessarily call it a fault, but for me it's maladaptive. Since the concept of service-only submission comes up fairly regularly, it seems as though there must be a way around it. Either that, or this desire is less universal than we might think. Or, service-only submission cannot stand as one's exclusive relationship. If there's a fourth possibility, it's not coming to mind

(in reply to postulant)

Post #: 15

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/7/2008 7:54:26 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
When you're talking about life in general, sure.

When you're talking about your primary personal intimate long term relationship- not at all. Of anything in life to NOT compromise on, of anything you do not HAVE to compromise on, why would you choose that?

Like anything else in life, the need for compromise in relationships is dictated by goals versus resources. That's another discussion, tho, and i hadn't intended to sidetrack my own thread (tough when you have the attention span of a butterfly

)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/7/2008 10:20:55 PM

shandra

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/25/2005
Status: offline

its a matter of priorities mostly and that having a second heavy relationship commitment was all too complicated from the brief experience i had of it, in the end the D/s is just something i dont want to screw up, maybe if the sexual partner was happy to be second fiddle to an already existant tpe it could work

< Message edited by shandra -- 3/7/2008 10:22:46 PM >

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 17

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/7/2008 10:48:42 PM

kiyari

Posts: 631
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
If you are being allowed to serve, then you are wanted- just not for sex.

Well, i look at it from the same perspective as the endless bad-mouthing of fetishists...When does it cross the line between wanting the person who does X, and wanting X done and to hell with who does it?

quote:

but I insist on being with someone who refuses to compromise who they are. Even if who they are is someone who submits to the authority of another.

i don't mean to be confrontational or condescending, but that seems very idealistic to me. Being functional in society is all about compromising who you are- going to work, suppressing the fight-or-flight instinct in confrontations, fitting the beauty ideal, meeting the standard of the day. If you don't compromise, you end up unemployed, in jail, or both.

It's just... being wanted is the most unrealistic thing in the world, and i need to be rid of it. i need the secret. There has to be one!

You seek the secret to not caring whether your presence is in the least 'special'? For Real?

Well then, you ought turn pro and charge, as I see no other compensation implicit.

Honestly, for interpersonal relationships, there is nothing whatsoever unrealistic about one's desire to be wanted.

Idealism leads to a more difficult path... and yet perhaps, may well conclude to a more satisfying... end-point.

_____________________________

Black Water Dragon

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 18

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/9/2008 6:07:39 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

i don't mean to be confrontational or condescending, but that seems very idealistic to me. Being functional in society is all about compromising who you are- going to work, suppressing the fight-or-flight instinct in confrontations, fitting the beauty ideal, meeting the standard of the day. If you don't compromise, you end up unemployed, in jail, or both.

This is a very interesting perspective on people.

I don't compromise, yes I am idealistic and yes I've been unemployed.

I'm connected with theatre, have my artistic work and career, do a lot of charity work and voluntary work for such people as the homeless and disadvantaged people. My plays are being staged not just in London but also elsewhere in Europe.

I'm also a service submissive with a lot of experience as a maid.

Not worth the paycheck? How come I'm employed by a Domme as a paid maid and paid well?

Nice to know that I'm seen as a second-class citizen and lumped together with the criminals.

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(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 19

RE: On service and being "wanted"? - 3/10/2008 11:07:13 AM

meticulousgirl

Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline

there will always be a desire in me for the more romantic side of a Significant Other however, i'm ultimately happy in complete service so the sacrifice has it's pro's and cons i guess you could say but, i would never go off just searching for someone else....i'm to far gone at this point lol.

~meticulous~

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 20

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