controlling my bad mouth (Full Version)

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bethylovescuddle -> controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 5:40:44 AM)

Hi,
I seem to have a problem here at Collarme cos I keep speaking/typing without thinking first and digging myself very, very big holes that I can't get out of. When I want to ask why someone thinks about something a certain way it comes out all wrong, more like "Are you sure you're not too young?" or something even more critical. So long as everyone is legal age is really just a number as i very well know and the youngsters can sometimes be very good at learning (am only 28 myself and not all that experienced).
What I've already tried to teach myself with is writing by hand 50 times to think before I type or speak. And have also beaten myself quite harshly to make sure the message sinks in as I have no one to help with that.
Any other suggestions as to how control my very bad mouth/ typing would be greatly appreciated.
A very humble girl



clodivs -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 5:45:09 AM)

Find someone to bounce your posts off first before you post them.  Then, if it blows up in your face, you can blame him/her instead of yourself!  ^_^



SteelofUtah -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 6:11:10 AM)

First off remember that all of this is up to interpretation. I am 27 and I was 16 when I got into this lifestyle, regardless of the amount of things that have changed in my views of this lifestyle my initial concepts have remained unchanged since day one.

You are correct when you come out saying things like this will change when you get older that you are suggesting that they are young and this is why they feel the way they feel. That is a MAJOR annoyance to me as well.

So here is my suggestion, it is what I have ALWAYS done.

  1. Agree of Disagree based on how YOU personally feel, not because of age but because at this point in time you feel this way about that subject.
  2. Stop trying to figure out why people don't do things the way that you do and start trying to figure out why they do things differently. Try to UNDERSTAND thier Point of View, I have found a whole new world open up to me once I learned the reasons WHY people do what they do rather than trying to understand why they don't do it the way I do it.
  3. This is silly but VERY VERY VERY True, If you can't say something nice, then say NOTHING at all!!!. Opinions are fine and YES EVERYONE is afforded an opinion, but what is voicing that opinion worth? If you say it and it gets you in trouble, then was voicing that opinion worth it? If you know how you feel and you know that it is in contrast to another then is it really worth the conflict just to say it?
  4. Finally, learn to answer the question, not to question the Poster. If you answer the question they asked and remove ALL concepts of the person who is posting then you will only be answering how you feel and again you remove the conflict right there. Unless your opinion is for some reason rude toward the poster or someone else in the thread then again fall back to #3.

I hope this helps, I am big on negativity. My girl has this same issue. I would rather her say nothing than be negative because negativity helps noone and causes nothing good to happen.

As Always

Steel



GreedyTop -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 6:19:33 AM)

well said, Steel :)



OmegaG -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 6:35:36 AM)

I'm impressed Steele, you are very eloquent for your age.

And that is not a slam on the age-- I loved my 20s and had a great time.  So many times though, messages are ill recieved not because of the content but because of how the content is presented and I think that it takes trial and error to learn how to speak one's mind so that it is recived as an alternating view point and not the one twue way.

For example-- I have a friend (who incidently is 40 so even older people are learning approach) who tells others what they "need" to do, literally she will say "you need to ____________".  One day I pointed out to her that most people bristly when they are told what to do and by using the word "need" you are presenting your opinion as superior.  Since then she has reworded these statements, replacing the word need with softer, more suggestive words, especially when talking to her boyfriend and she is amazed that he is listening to her suggestions with a more open mind.



RedMagic1 -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 6:54:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bethylovescuddle
What I've already tried to teach myself with is writing by hand 50 times to think before I type or speak. And have also beaten myself quite harshly to make sure the message sinks in as I have no one to help with that.

I don't see either of those methods as helpful.  If you can't recognize whether a sentence is hurtful, or socially inappropriate, looking at it 50 times won't magically cause you to see it differently.

Why do you think you have this speech pattern?  Did you grow up hearing other people talk that way?  You posted earlier that you have a babytalk fetish.  Is part of your interest in babytalk your fear that if you speak like an adult you will hurt people?



sirsholly -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 6:59:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
You posted earlier that you have a babytalk fetish.  Is part of your interest in babytalk your fear that if you speak like an adult you will hurt people?



good insight.....



colouredin -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 7:10:19 AM)

I find the same thing, I actually deleted a post yesterday cos i was worried that someone wouldnt agree. People are always going to be pedantic and quibble there are lots of people on these boards with lots of differant ideas you arent going to please all the people all of the time. Once you have accepted that then things get a bit easier.

There is a differance between expressing an opinion and being cruel, my opinions are my own, not everyone will agree with them because they dont live my life, they havent had my experainces basically they arent me. That doesnt make my opinions less valid (though my fear to post something unless someone else has said something similar mitigates all this and basically I am a wuss) The things i try to stay away from are generalisations, i will say in my experiance, my feeling is, i think, i want, i need, if you start sentences like that and own how you feel you normally cant go wrong, anything that starts, all submissives, most Doms, you make me, they make me anything like that will probably offend someone because all generalisations can be argued (yes I appricaiate the irony of that statement)

Actually reading what a post says helps, if you are able to back up your opinion with a quote then its harder to see it as an insult. No opinion is invalid but how you express them can be. I have found myself being argued with for posts that have been very well meant but someone has taken offense to what I have said, Actually on the most recent occasion i believe that it wasnt my fault and the person was being petty, but lanugage is important. Read through your posts before you send them and try to make sure that you arent lumping huge groups of people together, try to not judge other relationships by your own standard and if you do say so in a way that relates to you rather than attacking the poster.

I am sure that i could write a lot more but I am boring myself now so ill stop



Mercnbeth -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 7:25:41 AM)

quote:

Any other suggestions as to how control my very bad mouth/ typing would be greatly appreciated.

beth,
Be yourself and NEVER let any internet source opinion, or comment about you, your questions, or your age effect you emotionally. Have enough confidence to ask your questions, glean any information you deem helpful and ignore what doesn't. Be friendly with the friendly. Appreciate the mockers usually used you to make themselves feel better. Read criticism with a critical, honest eye on yourself and use it to maintain or adjust your beliefs about yourself and your goals.

If you can't do that - get off the internet.

Why "control" your nature? Unless you want and believe you can control and hide it from your partner you are presenting a false facade. Going into a relationship, or even a friendship, with a facade and you doom it to failure once you become too tired to carry on your performance and begin to resent the person or persons requiring you to maintain it.

Good luck!



SinergyNstrumpet -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 7:38:13 AM)

Sometimes I am more critical than I intend to be. I apologize for it if I feel badly and then I move on. This is only a message board. You will not cure cancer, bring about world peace, nor solve all problems D/s by posting here.... so have fun and do not sweat the small stuff.

What I have found is that people often do not read what I write anyways, they read what they want to read. No matter how PC we try to be, we cannot please everyone, and some people just get tense no matter what we write... so if someone takes umbridge with what you write, it may not be that you were being snarky at all, just that they interpreted you this way.

~Sinergy's strumpet~



DesFIP -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 9:27:40 AM)

Put it into word and don't submit it. Think about for a day, then go back and reread your post and see how it looks after you've had time to think about it.



hopelessfool -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 4:15:06 PM)

I agree with both Des and beth, but in general, even if your comment was a bit harsh or generalizing. Its not your fault or the way you write, its someone else having a pissy day and getting worked up over something petty (usually). In general, If someone says something hateful towards you for a post, smile and say thank you for your opinion and let it roll off your back and move on, this is the internet and while words can hurt, yes, they only hurt if you let them. Some people can not take a difference in opinion, they will blow up at you simply because your opinion was not their opinion. If you think its what your saying  look over your post and see if you have generalizaions like colour said, but dont change yourself because someone else is angry at what you posted. 



RedMagic1 -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 4:23:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopelessfool
dont change yourself because someone else is angry at what you posted. 

Why not?  I do, and I'm a Dom.  It's called living in the world.  If you're a total asshole/bitch all the time, no decent people are going to want to hang around you.  There was just a thread where a guy posted that every woman he ever met was a liar and a cheat.  Well.... what kind of FUCKING LOSER repels all women except the ones who lie and cheat?

It's the same thing here.  If the OP is pissing off 100% of the people she talks to, sooner or later the logical conclusion is that she might have a problem, not every single other person on the face of the earth.  Some people are alone -- and lonely -- for a reason.  The good news is that these reasons can be addressed, and the problems can be resolved, if the individual really really wants to make it happen.



StormsSlave -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 7:46:01 PM)

I make it a policy to read everything I post out loud.  I try as much as it is possible for anyone to do to step outside of myself and try to read it as others will read it.  I also ask myself if there is anything I really have to contribute to the thread that either a) hasn't already been said, and b) isn't just to make myself right.  If it passes those two criteria, I then hit the ok button.  Otherwise, it's cancel.

It sounds to me that you might be struggling with using the right words in the right order to convey a certain tone.  This, like all things, takes practice, because you no longer have the advantage of body language to denote intent. 

One last thing...there is a cancel button.  This isn't like life, where once you say it, it's out there.   You can second guess yourself anytime you like.  Read what you've posted, and take care in how you address people.  Treat them as you would like to be treated.  Think twice before posting just to post.  That's my .02.



MistressNoName -> RE: controlling my bad mouth (3/6/2008 8:03:09 PM)

quote:

When I want to ask why someone thinks about something a certain way it comes out all wrong, more like "Are you sure you're not too young?" or something even more critical. So long as everyone is legal age is really just a number as i very well know and the youngsters can sometimes be very good at learning (am only 28 myself and not all that experienced).


And sometimes one may simply not feel comfortable playing with or submitting to people who are younger than they are...or perhaps they prefer someone older and don't like it when those younger try to convince them that younger is better...or when someone tries to guilt-trip someone into accepting someone younger than they really want...

Now, I may be misunderstanding your post and if I am, please tell me. But it seems to me the issue is that you may not be being totally honest with yourself about what you personally prefer. It's great to be PC, and you're certainly right that younger ppl can be just as skilled and able to learn as any other...but, you personally may not get into the younger ones...and that's ok... I attended a workshop once and the instructor said at one point that sometimes it's better to make a statement, rather than ask a question. To me, the example you used doesn't sound rude, it's just not a clear statement of what you really mean. So, figure out what you mean to communicate and say it. That is often your best bet.

MNN



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