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stella41b -> RE: I don't even *like* sex... (3/10/2008 8:58:29 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dollparts85
Stella-
I don't know...I just didn't enjoy what I have done with men...it was probably just too rushed and I wasn't turned on and it hurt pretty bad and everything...
I don't know what I was looking for here...I suppose just to hear other people's stories and to get hope that it WILL get better...is that stupid? I really want to enjoy sex and be "normal"
Doll
Thank you for your reply.
Does it matter at this point whether it's stupid or not? Everyone is stupid in their lives, I've been stupid in my life, I guess everyone else has. Being stupid is good, it makes you human, and provides an opportunity for you to learn something and progress further in your life.
So many people become trapped because they're afraid to be seen as stupid, or they're afraid of making mistakes. Don't. If people judge you for making mistakes or being stupid, then let them judge you. What you do can be stupid, but you as a person, unless you really make the effort and do lots of stupid things, you cannot even be stupid, just human.
I understand what you wrote in your first part here.. I've found sex usually to be stressful.. I didn't enjoy it either. That's why I came into BDSM and developed a role as a female submissive to serve a Domme.. I just wanted to serve, to give, to focus myself on her needs, not mine, just to share that intimacy with another person where they had all the attention and there was no attention on me. This became a much more acceptable substitute to sexual intercourse with another person. Does this make sense?
So okay, in your own mind, your own imagination, because I guess you've probably imagined the ideal situation yourself, how do you see it? What do you find attractive about men? Is there some sort of situation which you would like to try? And what would you expect from a male partner?
Please have faith that it WILL get better. It can only get better than it is now, right? But I feel you need to find a way to making it possible for it to get better. Does this make sense?
Maybe I'm wrong, but you seem to be doing all the right things. You have a profile, you have a photo, what you write makes sense. On the photo I see an attractive young woman, but one who is unhappy and depressed. I don't know you, and I guess my perception of you is different to the perception you have of yourself, right? But that perception you have of yourself is only the way you perceive yourself, and other people see you differently.
The problem is here, is that how you perceive yourself comes out to others, it's something you project outwards to other people.
Go check out my profile, go through my photos, and you'll see that I'm who I say I am - a trangendered female. You'll also see that I'm large, I have a weight problem, and you don't have to look too closely to see that I'm transgendered and not a normal typical biological woman.
The weight problem is directly related to my lack of interest in sex. I'll explain why. I'm transgendered because I'm 'mosaic', I'm made up of two incomplete DNA patterns, one male, one female. Inside I'm all female. The change happened during puberty, early puberty I developed as a boy, but later puberty I developed physically as a female. At the time I didn't know. I thought I was still male, and I dated women, and when I got naked they could see that I had broad hips, feminine legs and a large bottom, and it made me very self-conscious. So I put on weight to hide my femininity, and made myself fat.
This only came out later when I started to transition and present myself as a female. But by then I had a serious weight problem, eating disorders due to my inner conflict and gender dysphoria, and I was morbidly obese. Having such a major weight problem exacerbated my problems of being transgendered, very few people were prepared to accept me as a female.
It was a former Mistress who pushed me through the initial gender reassignment process in Poland, where I was living, which changed my way of thinking. I received validation that I was female. Yes I was fat, but you do get fat women out there, and so I decided to become one of them.
I've had major problems with my weight. Back in 2006 I weighed at one stage... 450lbs..But you know, I managed to change my way of thinking, my perception of me, I know I am female, and even though I still have a few rough edges which need smoothening out I feel I'm moving in the right direction. I'm now around 280lbs, on hormones, and anyone who's met me doesn't have any doubt as to what gender I am - I project myself as myself - female.
The thing is, people treat you as you want them to treat you. I'm openly transgendered, I have a mirror at home, I look into it every day, I know I'm never going to win any beauty pageants, but I'm myself and I'm happy with myself. I'm in the middle of my gender reassignment, a work in progress, and I know who I am now is not going to be the same as who I will be next year.
I actually don't think you need any therapists here. What you're going through here is pretty common for women - and I guess there's quite a few women out there who would be prepared to back me up on this - women who don't enjoy sex, women who have had issues with who they are, their own image, and women who've gone and slept with different men but never enjoyed the intimacy because they never enjoyed themselves or had that amount of self-confidence or self-esteem.
There's quite a lot of men out there who've gone through the same thing too. Trust me.
At the moment I'm avoiding intimacy because my body isn't the way it should be or I want it to be. I want to try again, but I want to have the right body to try again and this is going to take me years I'm afraid, if ever. I'm on powerful hormones and as I'm writing this I'm coming up for 42 but I'm experiencing puberty all over again as the hormones change my body.
I might not make it.. these powerful hormones have side effects, liver damage, blood clots, even death. Just a little tiny blood clot in the brain and POOF! No more Stella. But I know of these risks and I take them, because I really need to be myself. And then I've got the butchery, pain, and discomfort and emotional breakdown of SRS surgery to get through. God knows when. I've been transitioning or trying to transition for 10 years now.
That's just to end up with a body similar to the one you have today. I can't wait for this day, and boy, am I going to have some fun. It might not be until I'm nearly 50 but be sure I won't be past it, and there's a lot of women who get better in their 40's and 50's. I don't care, I'm going into that bedroom with someone and if I'm with a partner, trust me, they're going to be crawling out of that bedroom on their hands and knees, totally exhausted. I might even switch and become a Domme and work my way through a long queue of male and female submissives, but be sure I'm going to be burning rubber.
You don't have to go through all that. All you've got to do is see yourself as you are, a young, very attractive woman who's got a few issues but who basically wants to be happy and loved and who wants to love and make someone happy back. You only have one body, you only have one life.
The way I see it you don't accept yourself, you don't love yourself, and you don't respect yourself and this is causing you your problems. This is why you're going out offering yourself to guys through the Internet for sex. This isn't what submission is about. You're never going to find your Daddy Dom out there by offering yourself over the Internet for all the pervs, the HNG's and whoever else comes across you.
I know. I've been there, I've done it. I've tried with men too. I've taken it up the ass crudely over a sofa, and quite a few times I've played the smegma-flavoured oboe. It's not pleasant giving head to a guy who's so desperate he doesn't wash and after spending all day in an Internet chatroom who is really very cheesy. I agree, it isn't pleasant. This is why I much prefer women, even though I know not all men are like that. Many aren't. Most are wonderful examples of human beings. But looking for acceptance among the players, HNG's and tranny admirers is not only unpleasant, it's also risky and dangerous.
But hey, you're worth far more than this - so why do it? What stops you from seeing yourself as an attractive young woman who just has a few issues? Shame? Guilt? We've all been there, you're no different to any of us.
The past is there to be learned from, not clung to. That's why we have such a thing known as stupidity, so that you can do stupid things and remember them and learn from your mistakes.
I understand you. You've done the right thing by starting this thread and posting. Smart move. I came in, asked you some questions, and you gave me the answers. You can communicate, you can connect, but you need to do two more things.
You need to change the way you see yourself, start accepting you for you, learning to respect yourself and loving you for who you really are. Respecting yourself isn't offering yourself to the first guy who comes along, and it ain't submission either. You also need to love you for you, because if you don't nobody will be able to love you.
You also need to continue this dialogue not necessarily with me here, but with either a friend in the community - online or offline - and if you feel the need a suitable candidate for a Daddy Dom. My profile is always open to you, and I'm sure you'll find others here who'd be willing to share friendship with you or give you advice.
Never be too proud to ask for help or support from someone. You won't be able to make this on your own, you need support of some understanding friends you can share things with. If you feel you cannot accept someone's advice or opinion then say so rather than ignore what they're telling you. Not everyone is patient, most people will quickly move on.
But please, keep posting.. it's the best thing you can do to find out more, it gives you attention and sometimes the validation you need, plus you get to share your thoughts, opinions and feelings with the rest of us here.
Does this help?
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