Why Am I So Scared!?!

Why Am I So Scared!?! (Full Version)

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MzRage -> Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 10:53:05 AM)
I'm new to the lifestyle...but not super new...I know what I want...I'm a powerful woman in every aspect of my life except this. A friend suggested that maybe I'm a submissive...to which I laughed out loud...could I be? I'm very confused and would appreciate any guidance and/or help.[sm=crop.gif]

sjacket -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 10:58:32 AM)
Welcome to the club. I'm a control freak. I'm also a submissive male- to Her always, to others- not so much.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 11:26:14 AM)
There are certainly dominant women who order their submissive men, "Get the paddle and start spanking me RIGHT NOW!" There are also strong, uberfeminist women who prefer to be ordered around within the context of sex or a committed relationship. The same thing is true of men, and of straight/gay. The unknown is more scary than the known. To dispel fear, get practical experience with someone you can trust. Try things. You may bump into limits, and you may discover pleasures you didn't know you had. Also, be aware that you may have different pleasures and limits depending on the partner you are with. There are dominant masochists, and submissive sadists -- and everyfuckingthing else. Consider this a voyage of discovery, not a threat.

colouredin -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 11:28:54 AM)
Yeah what Red says, there is no shame in being a Powerful submissive, its all about you, enjoy it, learn about yourself and have a laugh :D

MzRage -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 12:46:11 PM)
Wow...I'm grateful for the responses I've received already. I have called myself Dominant for years...Love when the subs I know show me the respect I deserve...but when it comes right down to "doing the deed", I get scared and make excuses...backing out of the situation as quickly as possible. There's even a Dom in the community I live in that now calls me Mistress Putt Putt...how humiliating. I know I want this lifestyle...I love it...and when I did sub for a Dom I loved it...but even he released me, saying he believed me to be a Dominant...and that I was mistaking victim for submissive. I'm so frustrated and fear if I am not a Dominant woman, then I am a failure...something I know in my heart is not true...what's up with me????

RedMagic1 -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 12:50:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MzRage I was mistaking victim for submissive. #1: What does this mean? #2: Do you agree with him?

MzRage -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 1:41:54 PM)
As I was abused by my husband for several years before I finally left him...this is what he was referring to. Do I agree...I really don't know...as sad as that may seem.

LadyJeelys -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 1:54:19 PM)
I don't see any wrong in being submissive....but I just think that if you were submissive, you'd KNOW you were submissive. Since you think you're Dominant, seems to me you're dominant. Also, being new, or even an bit hesitant about something new doesn't mean you're submissive.....nor doesn't not fitting the mold that someone else establishes as dominant make you submissive. Anyway, you could be dominant, submissive or switch....nothing wrong with any of it and no litmus test for any of the choices.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 2:12:41 PM)
It is not uncommon for people with an abusive sexual past -- or who grew up around domestic violence -- to enjoy being submissive. The motivation sometimes is to have control over what the perpetrator did. It's happening "again," but this time there are rules, and it's not truly dangerous. Of course, that requires a partner worthy of your trust. The thing that stands out to me here is that you use the word "scared" instead of "confused," which is a more common term for people wondering about their sexuality. My wild guess is that you are afraid that if you admit you want to submit, that will mean somehow that you want to be abused -- or that it was OK that the abuse happened to you. So listen: That is absolute fucking bullshit. BDSM is consensual; abuse is not. You are not letting your perpetrator "get away with it" by being submissive in a scene. You are exploring who you are. A strong woman pursues her own pleasure and doesn't let abusers in her past stop her in that pursuit.

Ostentatious -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 2:19:51 PM)
Damn, thought this was a thread started by Simon Weston, I had a very witty reply!

MzRage -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 4:18:41 PM)
Thank you...

MistressVnus -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 5:10:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 There are certainly dominant women who order their submissive men, "Get the paddle and start spanking me RIGHT NOW!" There are also strong, uberfeminist women who prefer to be ordered around within the context of sex or a committed relationship. The same thing is true of men, and of straight/gay. The unknown is more scary than the known. To dispel fear, get practical experience with someone you can trust. Try things. You may bump into limits, and you may discover pleasures you didn't know you had. Also, be aware that you may have different pleasures and limits depending on the partner you are with. There are dominant masochists, and submissive sadists -- and everyfuckingthing else. Consider this a voyage of discovery, not a threat. DAYUM!! That just about made me horney!! Nice.

Lashra -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 6:40:11 PM)
You could be...Are you a people pleaser? Does the idea of being controlled make you hot? Would you rather leave the decision making up to someone else? If so the chances are pretty good you have at least some submissive tendancies. Only you can decide what you truly are and that is going to take some soul searching. In fact you may want to get a pad and pen and sit down and right down things about yourself you know to be true. Many that will help narrow down the choices. Personally I am Dominant, but I do like to bottom occasionally. It makes me really hot to tell my sub how to tie me, flog me and have him follow through on every command. This might fit you too, then again it might not. Good luck! ~Lashra

MzRage -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 6:42:26 PM)
Thanks for the help everyone...I'm thinking I'll take a step back and try to figure this out... ~Rage

ShaktiSama -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 6:45:46 PM)
It's more than possible to be afraid of your dominance as well, for that matter. Most of us are socialized not to harm others. That conditioning can go very deep, and it can be reinforced by abusive models in our own lives--intellectually you can understand that what you are doing is play, and deeply wanted, but subconsciously there is the dread and loathing of your imminent transformation into Mrs. Hyde. [sm=evil.gif]

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 6:46:25 PM)
It's totally possible to be a dominant without ever approaching bdsm play. Plenty of folks do D/s without involving pain play, and they do just fine. Explore, and don't judge yourself. You could even be a switch! [:D]

TNstepsout -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 7:33:43 PM)
I don't have any answers because I have the same kind of anxiety. I think I would probably fit the Mistress Putt Putt label quite well. I think for me it goes beyond anxiety about whether I am sub or Domme and is related more to issues with physical intimacy in general. I haven't really figured it out, but I'm trying not to think about it too much as that seems to make the worry worse. Hopefully I can force myself to take some action and get some momentum and the rest will take care of itself. Don't know if that helps, but maybe you aren't alone in the boat?

SirPain -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 8:17:18 PM)
You have asked a very powerful question here and unfortunately I think you are the only one who can answer it. Yes, I have read all the posts made in reply and some I agree with and some I don't. Maybe it's because I have always been dominant and have not been afraid of doing what it is that I do. I think you need to ask yourself what it is that you want out of this lifestyle. I do have one question. Is there any possiblity that you're a switch and sometimes need to be the one in control and doing the scene instead of just always being the one having the scene done to you? I suggest you think about this. How would you feel if you were the one controlling the scene and making the decisions? Maybe you are a Dominant and just don't know it. The next time you go to a party or club try refusing to play with anyone (either as a sub or Dom) and just sit back and watch. Watch and see what really turns you on. Is it the emotions of the sub and how they are relating to the scene or is it the actions of the Dom and how they are able to control the scene. Watch and see who the real subs and Doms are and see who the wannabes are. Maybe you, like so many others, are just a voyuer and will enjoy more just watching than participating. Give yourself time to find out what it is that entices you to this lifestyle and then try to see what really turns you on. Remember, fear is a primal emotion and one that is not easily controlled. Fear is what turns on the fight or flight response. Do you want to stay and watch or would you rather just sit in the social area and talk with others. Flight is not a bad thing, in the Military the term is to retire or withdraw, but it still means the same thing. The situation is not in the best interest to stay and loose everything or everyone. So, if you need to, withdraw and watch from the sidelines. Don't let anyone decide for you when the right time to play is and what role you should take. You make that decision when you feel right about it. Sir Pain

MisPandora -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 8:17:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MzRage I'm new to the lifestyle...but not super new...I know what I want...I'm a powerful woman in every aspect of my life except this. A friend suggested that maybe I'm a submissive...to which I laughed out loud...could I be? I'm very confused and would appreciate any guidance and/or help.[sm=crop.gif] OK, so your post basically stopped at your revelation that you might be submissive. Help us understand what you're looking for. Your post subject was "Why am I so scared?" -- you tell us? What are you scared of?

crouchingtigress -> RE: Why Am I So Scared!?! (3/9/2008 8:24:07 PM)
i am not sure i understand what you are scared of, but if it knowledge you crave, there are so many wonderful classes you can go to at local and national events. there are also some great tutorials on line and there are books, the topping book is great, screw the roses, ect..... i think maybe you are a sub, and the fear you are feeling is admitting that, its ok...let me ask you...if you did admit to being a submissive what is the worse possible thing that could happen?

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