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My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/26/2005 4:36:16 AM

infyniti

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline

I could not ask for a move loving, caring, thoughtful, wonderful Master. I honestly feel that from my heart. Though the longer we have been together, I have noticed the more solitary he has become to the outside world. He said he is very comfortable in our lives, ( we met on line, lived together and married in 2001) I love being with him, I hate when he is away. Though there are times that I would like to get out and socialize abit more within the kinky comunity. Our last outting was Black Rose last November. Now, don't get confused, we play at home, he has created and is still modifying our dungeon, our kinky lives together are great. I would just like to get out abit and socialize more and not really sure how to bring the subject up. I bring up thinks like kinky week end getaways, or the usual " flea" etc. None seem to spark his attention. He said, I am not really a people person. Should I just leave all is well..alone? I believe he is very happy with me as he tells me all the time. I am thrilled to be with him. I would just like abit more of socializing with likeminded couples. Think I should leave well enough alone?

Post #: 1

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/26/2005 5:19:48 AM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

I can understand your need to socialize with other "kinky folk", as we all like to hang out with people we have a common interest with.

I feel a need to ask though, do you socialize with the " 'nilla folk" at all? While I realize the common interests there might be different ones (I'm sure you have some life interests that are vanilla, i.e. dancing, shooting pool, whatever), they are still common interests.

If you do still socialize with others, just not the lifestyle crowd, it is possible that your master prefers to keep a "low profile" in this area. I keep this area of my life pretty private and don't really do the "public" thing because of what I do. Others just prefer to keep it basically private.

If you don't socialize at all with other people, that is another story. It does not guarantee that your master is intentionally isolating you from others (which tends to be symptomatic of abusers). He may be, as he said, not a "people person", and not particularly care for large groups of people and such.

Only you know the answer to the above questions. If it is simply a non-people person issue, you are obviously having different needs in this area, and you are right, you need to discuss it. At the next opportunity, let him know that while you understand how he feels and you are equally happy with him, you personally need to be able to socialize more. Perhaps there could be a compromise of sorts where maybe the two of you get out once a month to an event. If it is the issue of keeping things more low key, maybe you could just ask if the two of you could get out more in general.

I will tell you this. It is not terribly unusual for couple who have been together for a while to get out less. Not that it is a good thing (I don't feel it is), just that it happens. A certain complancency develops over time, and couples just kind of sit home.

Bottom line is, you have a real, natural need that you feel is not being met. So no, you should not "leave well enough alone".

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 2

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/26/2005 5:37:14 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Is it a big group of people thing with him? Perhaps he is more comfortable socializing with just a few people at a time? I find it less intimidating to meet with people in small groups, as opposed to attending a munch where everyone seems to know each other and have long pedigrees and histories with each other. Just a thought. But you should definitely be getting out more and I think he needs to support this need that you have.

(in reply to FLButtSlut)

Post #: 3

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/26/2005 6:26:41 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: infyniti

I could not ask for a move loving, caring, thoughtful, wonderful Master. I honestly feel that from my heart. Though the longer we have been together, I have noticed the more solitary he has become to the outside world. He said he is very comfortable in our lives, ( we met on line, lived together and married in 2001) I love being with him, I hate when he is away. Though there are times that I would like to get out and socialize abit more within the kinky comunity. Our last outting was Black Rose last November. Now, don't get confused, we play at home, he has created and is still modifying our dungeon, our kinky lives together are great. I would just like to get out abit and socialize more and not really sure how to bring the subject up. I bring up thinks like kinky week end getaways, or the usual " flea" etc. None seem to spark his attention. He said, I am not really a people person. Should I just leave all is well..alone? I believe he is very happy with me as he tells me all the time. I am thrilled to be with him. I would just like abit more of socializing with likeminded couples. Think I should leave well enough alone?

I'd have a deeper discussion with him, just to make sure you understand where this comes from and if perhaps there are other concerns here. If you understand the full reasons behind his behavior, it makes it easier to accept, as well as to personally address and to perhaps work out compromises.

But generally I'd say to just accept it and perhaps get your own group of friends. It's not as fun I know, you WANT to share those experiences with him, but it will give you an outlet to enjoy what you can and have your public group fun without him feeling pressured.

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 4

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/26/2005 7:23:36 AM

Sabella

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

Ohhh I know exactly where you are coming from :) My beloved, wicked Dom/Hubby is a homebody. Well I should clarify that, he likes ME - he could happily live without seeing anyone else, ever. I'm a people person & love interacting with old & new friends.

We've gone literally months in the past without seeing anyone socially and yes it was driving me bananas. I got very depressed, felt isolated, I hated it. We'd moved to another state with no friends or relatives for 500 miles so that didn't help at ALL. Long talks & genuine effort on BOTH our parts got us out of the rut. To get out more, get to places where like-minded folks hung out so we could make new friends, get back in contact with old friends.

He's not odd he's just happy. You're not happy tho, so talk to him about this - how you need more social interaction for YOU to be content.

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 5

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/26/2005 8:12:01 AM

infyniti

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline

Homebody, non-people person.... exactly. He says he is extremely content just how things are. Yup, somewhere one day in jest, I said " You don't like anybody." He smiled. I am not so sure that it is a group thing as we have attended events together in the past that were large in scale, that were fetish oriented. I think sometimes he feels " been there, done that".... He is pretty open about his sexual identity, so I don't think that is the problem. He is very strict about my having ANYONE over to our house. It makes him crazy. One day my boss was to stop by and spend some time ( female, non kinky) and he had a fit for a week ahead of time. He states that our home is private for us only. He has made it clear that he wants to company. All my family is a zillion miles away from us. Along with his family, so it is pretty much just the 2 of us up here. So, though our house is spotless day in and day out, it doesn't get visitors. He gets upset if a stranger starts talking to me in a grocery store, or the other day, a woman started talking to me in our post office. He said, I shouldn't make " eye contact" and they won't talk to me. There is a low lying annoyance when this happens but he doesn't get angry at me, just annoyed at the entire situation. All somewhat confusing. I do like to have some friends, even suggested just couples, either kinky or otherwise. He asked " why"?
He makes me feel guilty that I want to have friends in our lives and he is happy with only me. That confuses me. I don't even want to be a social butterfly, I would just like to get out abit WITH him and visit with others. He has no desire to socialize with either my nor his co workers either.
I don't want to make him sound bad... he is so good, and kind and loving to me. He takes care of me emotionally, he pays the utmost attention to me, but there is somethin in me that would like to go out and just visit once in a while with other people...
abit confused....

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 6

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/26/2005 8:21:24 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Perhaps he is agoraphobic? Does he have any other serious OCD (obsessive compulsive) tendencies? Everyone has their quirks and OCD tendencies, but are any to a high enough degree to interfere with functioning and cause true anxiety and problems if not completed?

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 7

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/26/2005 11:48:31 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

I started to say maybe he's just a private person, but what you describe goes beyond that. It sounds as though he feels anyone visiting your home is an intrusion, it annoys him because perhaps it disrupts his carefully ordered life. Em may have a good point about OCD... that need to have everything just so, everything in its place, a particular routine, etc... any of that sound familiar? If so, then that may be it... that he views guests in the house as a disruption. I think you may have said it yourself about events, he doesn't see any personal value to him in them, so he has no interest.

Lots of people don't care to go to kinky events, they are not for everyone and not a measure of how "real" you are. Some folks are just very private about that aspect of their lives, nothing wrong with that. But it is not normal to have no social life at all, that's called being a recluse and its not entirely healthy behavior (though not particularly harmful either).

So from what you've said, your problem boils down to this, he's reclusive and you're outgoing. He wants to shut the world out, you want it invite it in. I hope you two can reach a compromise, its something you need to talk about. Just keep in mind, you can't change him... all you can do is ask him to change.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 8

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/26/2005 10:06:00 PM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

OCD could potentially be an issue, although agoraphobics don't typically have issues with people coming to them, they have issues going out.

I don't understand how or why everyone missed the most important part of your second post

quote:

ORIGINAL: infyniti

He states that our home is private for us only. He has made it clear that he wants to company. All my family is a zillion miles away from us. Along with his family, so it is pretty much just the 2 of us up here. So, though our house is spotless day in and day out, it doesn't get visitors. He gets upset if a stranger starts talking to me in a grocery store, or the other day, a woman started talking to me in our post office. He said, I shouldn't make " eye contact" and they won't talk to me. There is a low lying annoyance when this happens but he doesn't get angry at me, just annoyed at the entire situation.

Sorry, but those are the BIGGEST red flags I have ever seen for someone with the potential to become abusive. Lovely that he is happy with "just the two of you", but you have managed to be quite far from your family, which is your support network. People talk to you and he gets angry? Unless they started talking dirty to you, this being a problem is indicative of something much worse than OCD.

Keep your eyes down, no one notices you. Don't go out, you make no new friends. If someone DOES notice you and begins a polite conversation, he gets "annoyed". It is NOT uncommon for people to be several years into a relationship before any serious abuse begins. I'm sorry, but this guy is definately showing the signs for a potential abuser. Keeping you isolated, annoyance at your talking to others.

I think that you need to talk to him and tell him that there has to be some kind of compromise where you get the social interaction you need. I also suggest that you remain aware of the signs that indicate abuse for your own safety. As long as you comply with the "just the two of you" idealogy, things will go smooth, but I worry that if you develop a social life, that "annoyance" will turn to something else.

Good luck.

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 9

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/27/2005 11:47:21 AM

infyniti

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline

Well, I read what has been posted here. I determined that he is not agoraphobic and he works outside the home. Meaning he goes to his job each day. I don't have all the answers yet. I know that he loves me and makes me the center of his world. This makes me feel guilty for wanting to make friends with others. Also, this has gotten worse over the last 2 years or so. We used to attend Public Lifestyle events. He used to sort of flaunt us as a couple. I don't know what is up with this complete solitary change in him. I can't say for sure if there isn't abit of OCD.. he is the most organized person I have ever lived with, and he has on many occasions called me a "pack rat"... I love being the house slave, his sub but I would really like a social aspect in our relationship. Dinner with others? People to talk to? Ummm, friends? Slowly I plan on bringing this up to him. He said he is tired of the munch scene as it is usually filled with people looking to meet up with other people on a one on one basis. So I am ruling that out.
I think I am going to start to hint to him about seeing other couples who are in relationships like ours ( BDSM) and see how things go.

I am not sure if the common interest will help or not, but he has always been pretty " out" in the lifestyle.. He said that prior to meeting me, he was more sadist than Dom. Now that we are together, he feels that the 2 of us are enough....

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 10

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/27/2005 1:51:44 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

I didn't think he was agoraphobic. I do think he has some OCD traits, but that by itself is not a bad thing... as you said, he's highly organized and that is generally helpful, some compulsions can be positive things (unless they go too much to an extreme). Two things you have said have caught my attention but I don't know enough to be able to ascertain exactly what they imply. You made the statement that you once remarked to him he hates people and he smiled, and in your last post you stated he used to be more outgoing, more open about your relationship, more involved in events but has changed about this, becoming more withdrawn and solitary. Something has caused that change and apparently embittered him, but what that might be I can't say. It could be something that happened to him, something that happened with you, maybe something involving both of you, I don't know, I don't have enough information to even guess at it. But I would imagine you might be able to figure it out or at least make a good guess. Think about when this change in him first began and then think about what kinds of events happend about then or just prior (say within 6 months prior) that might have made him angry, upset him, or caused him anxiety... if something leaps out at you, it could be the key event that caused the change and it might be worth talking to him about. You don't need to discuss that event here, that's his private life, no need to air that... just as long as you know an can discuss it with him.

I would suggest you talk to him, though he may be reluctant to open up about it. Don't be possessive when you talk, that is, don't personalize it. Think how you would talk to a good friend you were offering sympathy too and try that approach. Its not likely he'd respond well if he felt you were trying to make demands on him, and I suspect he'd just clam up more, you don't want that. Just be a friend to him, let him see you are absolutely someone he can talk to and trust, that will not repeat what is said or be judgemental about it at all, just about anyone will respond to that.

And for what its worth, I can relate to not wanting to attend munches, events, etc... in general I don't either. I just don't care for them, there's little to nothing there for me. But, on the other hand I'm not withdrawing from the world. Family is important to me, I love having my cousin come visit with his kids, there are annual family events I wouldn't miss for anything. I do have a social life, I have my favorite resteraunts (even have my favorite waitresses), I get out and about. My social life just doesn't include the "lifestyle"... thats a part of my life that remains private. If that were the case with your husband I wouldn't be concerned... but its his apparent withdrawal from social interaction in general that concerns me, that's not healthy.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 11

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/29/2005 1:36:30 PM

LADYBOA

Posts: 54
Joined: 5/24/2004
Status: offline

Talk talk talk... that is the best advise I could ever hope to give!!
Let him know your true feelings on the subject. Let him HEAR you!!

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 12

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/29/2005 1:48:08 PM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
I wish you the best of luck at working out the problem in a way that makes both of you happy.
My Master prefers to not participate in the social scene too. I'm lucky enough that he recognizes my need to be a social community oriented person and he's willing to attend the Socials and Dungeon with me, for me.
If your Master doesn't feel willing to go with you couldn't you go with some of your friends? I know I feel far more comforted having my Master with me, but if he didn't want to go and would permit me to go on my own (which I can do any time I'd like to), I'd still go to the functions by myself.

I think to push someone to do something against their own desires or willingness to do can't be very healthy for your relationship. It usually just adds fuel to the fire. I don't thing badgering him will serve any purpose other than drive you guys apart.

Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 13

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 9/29/2005 5:20:55 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

infyniti

In my humble opinion, I don't think he suffers from OCD, LOL
but does suffer from LTBA

(Likes to be alone) with you!

I can't solve your problem and get him out more, but all things considered, I think he is suffering from a symptom that reaps you benefits and loving.

Be careful what you wish for, he could turn into a party animal with the right medication and then you would be singing a different song.

Just my .02 Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to plantlady64)

Post #: 14

RE: My loving, charming, wonderful, solitary Master... - 10/6/2005 10:42:49 AM

infyniti

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fastlane

infyniti

In my humble opinion, I don't think he suffers from OCD, LOL
but does suffer from LTBA

(Likes to be alone) with you!

I can't solve your problem and get him out more, but all things considered, I think he is suffering from a symptom that reaps you benefits and loving.

Be careful what you wish for, he could turn into a party animal with the right medication and then you would be singing a different song.

Just my .02 Kevin

I think I am learning to stop reading into things so much and take your advice.
Over the last week or so, I have been just enjoying the attention...
thanks for that .02

infyniti

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 15

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