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Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 2:11:46 PM   
amethystrain


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: AL
Status: offline 		I've been chatting with a Dom on yahoo. It's only bee a few days, but the conversations are going well. He wants to train me in a specific way. Basically, it starts our relationship as strictly D/s whereas I've always thought that I would benefit from being friends first, being comfortable, etc, and then progressing to more strictly D/s.

I know it all depends on the person how things should go. But he said one thing that "bothered" me. When I explained to him how I thought he said "it is very safe but that eliminates any real Dom/sub relationship because there is no risk and therefore trust is superfluous."

I'm considering training with him. He told me to think about it. The fact that I rushed onto here to post does not bode well. But I wanted thoughts/opinions about his comment about D/s relationships. Thanks.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 2:29:35 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amethystrain

I've been chatting with a Dom on yahoo. It's only bee a few days, but the conversations are going well. He wants to train me in a specific way. Basically, it starts our relationship as strictly D/s whereas I've always thought that I would benefit from being friends first, being comfortable, etc, and then progressing to more strictly D/s.

I know it all depends on the person how things should go. But he said one thing that "bothered" me. When I explained to him how I thought he said "it is very safe but that eliminates any real Dom/sub relationship because there is no risk and therefore trust is superfluous."

I'm considering training with him. He told me to think about it. The fact that I rushed onto here to post does not bode well. But I wanted thoughts/opinions about his comment about D/s relationships. Thanks.


Considering the amount of psychological "harm" I've seen come through on-line relationships, I can't agree with him. While it's true that online play doesn't need the dom to know where a whip stroke can be dangerous or how to tie one's hands, the submissive and, to a lesser extent, the dominant are at risk even when they are far apart physically.

[laugh] Now, I'm a bit of a slut, and on occasion, face to face negotiation has boiled down to "Wanna play" and "Yah." However, for the best chance at a long term relationship and the least chance of hellish discoveries at the wrong time, I agree that getting to know someone on multiple levels (ie Friendship) prior to play is the way to go.

Finally, I'll quote something I said in email just this day. "Often all you have to hear is what you already know but from an outside source."

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 2:33:02 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
That sounds as though He believes that any trust might put you into a positon that means you might relax too much with him, therefore possible ignore commands in the future or not have that 'wil he/wont he factor' present in actions later on? It could be a couple of things. It could be he enjoys edge play and having his sub in a state of apprehension. If that is so, that isn't immediately a bad thing, but you need to communicate first with him about that and find out if you can cope with that kind of relationship. It could be he is also / as well a person who demands to be in control using humiliation tecniques - again something you need to be happy with. Lastly, he could just be an ass and at least communicating with him now will save you pain in the longrun. Either way you have to feel comfortable with the whole scenario. But I do not believe at all that being friends first negates a relationships power or control patten unless the people involved allow it to. So I disagree with the superfluous part.

Hope that gives you another point of view?

Peace and Love

_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 2:48:41 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline
quote:

When I explained to him how I thought he said "it is very safe but that eliminates any real Dom/sub relationship because there is no risk and therefore trust is superfluous."
I'm considering training with him. He told me to think about it.


Well, I wouldn't say that he's wrong about the risk/trust relationship, but I don't see why he expects you to trust him right now. He's a complete stranger, no matter how much you've chatted online. Physical trust is something that does need to be built before he can reasonably expect you to take many risks. D/s is no different than just plain old dating in that way.

As John wisely says, usually we just need someone else to say out loud what we're already thinking. But the good news is this guy didn't tell you to get lost because you "aren't really a sub", he told you to think about it. So that indicates he does have some concern about your comfort and isn't just pushing you as hard as he can to do whatever.

I don't think any of my pets somehow considered me less effective because we want and got coffee and hung out before the first time I strapped them down. It's not at all an uncommon topic on BDSM boards that one person is in an existing relationship and wants to bring the other partner into the scene -- is their D/s somehow less "real" because they first enjoyed each other's company in ways that didn't involve doggie collars?

I would suggest talking more -- it doesn't seem that either of you is unreasonable, but you may be missing important facets of what the other is suggesting.

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 3:15:10 PM   
Awakener


Posts: 88
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline 		I have to make the connection as a friend first. that is just the only way to make it work for me. Vanilla it is diferent, trust emotional conection...well I never found those in vanilla so nevermind.

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 3:29:15 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I've been chatting with a Dom on yahoo. It's only bee a few days, but the conversations are going well. He wants to train me in a specific way. Basically, it starts our relationship as strictly D/s whereas I've always thought that I would benefit from being friends first, being comfortable, etc, and then progressing to more strictly D/s.


I cannot answer your question for you. It is you who has to feel secure with this man, not I.
All I can do is give you my own perspective. I needed to start a relationship vanilla first. Although I was seeking long term committed as well. If just a play partner my ideas would have been a bit different.
However, the trust had to be there for me before I could bare my soul to him.
I had to know we could make a go of a relationship after the initial lust was gone. Did we have anything in common...etc.

Myself, I'd be asking him some questions. If he didn't answer and make me feel all warm inside he'd be discarded. It is as much your relationship as it is his.

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 3:29:33 PM   
sultryvoice


Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline 		You need to be face to face..This lets you see, feel and look at the person whose hands you are putting yourself. Online can only be the mind and that can be more dangerous than physical. He, at least, has given you time to think it out. That is a plus in my book. He isn't rushing you into anything. Your gut directed you to get feedback from others and that you recognized that, is good. Just take your time and let it flow..If it doesn't work, tell him so..

Respectfully,
sultry

_____________________________

Blessed are the cracked,
For it is they who let in the light.


www.themarkbycpi.com

(in reply to Awakener)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 3:50:11 PM   
lonewolf05


Posts: 830
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		people talk about SSC for in-person but "I" think it should have a chapter for online..
"I" am kinda an ass.......i don't believe EVERY word some online dominant throws out.
hell i know of some on here i know are good people at heart but SOME things they say..they can stick where the sun quit shining.

if "I" EVER have any mental red flags go up i back off until they can prove themselves..
but as i said
i'm an ass anyway.
woofie


_____________________________

"there is no gravity, life sucks!"


(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 4:19:24 PM   
nelbot


Posts: 95
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline 		I don't know, it seems like you are saying you get an uncomfortable feeling from him and that's all I need before I want to cut the ties. I gotta say the whole trust without danger meaning less- that comes far later in the relationship in my book and that makes my skin crawl that he is saying it now... And I disagree that more harm can be done mentally over the internet than physically in person- a mind fuck on various levels can be one thing but ending up with one heel of a nut in front of you in person that you suddenly have to protect yourself from is a whole other ball of wax. Just make sure that you have safe calls, etc in place before you meet this guy, excercise all precautions and don't be afraid to apply the brakes until you are comfortable enough to let him drive 100%. you don't have to jump in to this all the way until you are ready!

_____________________________

In life there are no winners, only saints and sinners
of pleasure and pain both have their gain for
what is a devil but an angel in bondage?

(in reply to lonewolf05)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Possibly Training - 9/26/2005 10:34:25 PM   
FLButtSlut


Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amethystrain

I've been chatting with a Dom on yahoo. It's only bee a few days, but the conversations are going well. He wants to train me in a specific way. Basically, it starts our relationship as strictly D/s whereas I've always thought that I would benefit from being friends first, being comfortable, etc, and then progressing to more strictly D/s.

I know it all depends on the person how things should go. But he said one thing that "bothered" me. When I explained to him how I thought he said "it is very safe but that eliminates any real Dom/sub relationship because there is no risk and therefore trust is superfluous."

I'm considering training with him. He told me to think about it. The fact that I rushed onto here to post does not bode well. But I wanted thoughts/opinions about his comment about D/s relationships. Thanks.


First you should ask yourself why you are considering training with him, when at the very outset, you have two very different basic thoughts.

His comment that without the risk, the trust isn superfluous (unecessary by definition) would make me move on very quickly. Call me crazy, but I think for the most part, we take the risk because we have the trust.

I also wonder about your "strictly D/s" statement. I have seen many times here where the sub thought her and her dom were embarking on a relationship and he felt completely different. This kind of sounds like that to me.

Personally, I always look for a few signs at the beginning to decide if building that trust can even begin.

Is he looking for something "discrete"? Some people use this term because they feel that this area of their live is private. I have found that most use this term because they are looking to hide it from their spouse/significant other.

Does he have issues with going out in public? Meeting for coffee, going to a club, a movie, etc. If someone never wants to take you out in public, you should want to know why.

Is he only available at certain times? This is another clue to their r/t lives. Someone who can only meet during lunch/day hours, but not because they have a night job? You only talk to them late at night when perhaps the rest of the household is asleep? Certainly there are sometimes valid reasons for these things, but sometimes there aren't.

His desire to start without building trust makes you uncomfortable. Don't compromise your comfort level because he tells you to. That "superfluous trust" doesn't exist, so you don't have the reason to compromise if you don't want to yet.

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Possibly Training - 9/27/2005 5:20:36 AM   
ChereeAmoor


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		Trust is NEVER superfluous.

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Possibly Training - 9/27/2005 6:31:31 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Trust in a relationship is essential.

littleone

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Possibly Training - 9/27/2005 8:14:12 AM   
abondanzaisme


Posts: 20
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		I have only begun to explore with a friend/lover who enticed me to explore my desires in this area of my life. Trust IS of utmost importance in ANY intimate relationship. Please for the sake of your own sanity and safety don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise. If you 'give' yourself to a person in anyway, that is authority you lose over your own mind and heart. So give carefully, trust first and know him as a friend. This is about your needs and wants first.

As a Dom who posted a reply to my request for advice said, 'your submission is a precious gift' and I for one, have no intention of squandering it.

Be well and happy on your journey!

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Possibly Training - 9/27/2005 8:22:18 AM   
amethystrain


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: AL
Status: offline 		I'm so very glad that I've found this website. Just knowing that there are people like you out there willing to help me by listening and voicing an opinions means so much to me. I check my post constantly just to see the replies. I haven't made up my own mind yet. But you all have definitely given me a lot to consider. Thank you so much.

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Possibly Training - 9/27/2005 8:26:19 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Is there a time limit on this? Just tell him he's "under consideration" and get to know yourself and what you want, get to know his expectations and what the situation will be like BEFORE agreeing to it.

(in reply to amethystrain)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Possibly Training - 9/27/2005 1:41:53 PM   
RainGod


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/11/2005
From: Hendersonville, NC
Status: offline 		I do not mind taking some time getting to know someone. However, I can usually tell by the end of the second conversation if they are anyone I can lay enough trust in to be a partner. Call it a superstition, or a quirk, or whatever, but I look for signs... red flags, if you will.

Face to face meeting is an absolute must with Me. I am a slut lol, and I have 'played lightly' with someone after meeting face to face. But to get into the good stuff... the really fun D/s play, I need time to go there. Not a weekend... not two. Maybe a month or more. I want to be fully relaxed and trust her implicitly and I cannot be comfortable unless she trusts Me as well.

Risk may be sexy to some, I don't know. If it is, that is okay... it's their gig, not Mine. But I just do not like risk... I guess I am too old fashioned, and I like security.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 16
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