ariesdelight
Posts: 2
Joined: 3/14/2008
Status: offline
|
I have actively been in the lifestyle for 3 years now. I have mostly submitted to women since I've been married for 5 years. However, since I am getting divorced I found a man claiming to be a Dom.
Let me explain that I feel like when the right person gets into my head, I am Very submissive. However, I read a lot and i can't figure out whether or not this relationship is abuse, if I'm trying to force my vision onto him, or what.
We have been dating for a little over a month now. Straight after knowing him for four hours though, he right away discovered I was into the lifestyle, i guess cause i said exhibitionist (im an exotic dancer). Anyways, through talk he immediately found out, and said things about respecting my boundaries, and safe words. Etc etc. Then he demanded that before we continue, I had to have sex with him...that night. Infront of my co-worker and her new lover (his best friend).
Imean he literally wanted to have sex while they watched. He is definetely into voyerism and exhibitionism. But four hours of knowing him...and he got upset and said he didnt want to see me. I was crushed, but the next day he sent his number through his friend to my friend to call him. So i let it go.
I should mention that really ive never had an formal training. One long term so i understand the mindset. And i feel like its more natural. I have hit subspace, i know that i am submissive. I need that control. Long for it. But im cautious too. I know there are players out there and i wanted to slowly enter this.
It was like hitting a wall of Domination at 80 mph. Boom. No training, little understanding of wants/expectations on either side. No patience and a lot of confusion.
The next few meets went well. I met his friends and enjoyed being shown off. He loved it too. We have had gangbangs. I didnt ask for them but he enjoys watching other guys fuck me. But then he demanded, and i do mean viciously demanded i find a girl (im bi). I only had days. I suppose i fought it because it was sudden and i was hurt that i wasn't enough...even for two weeks. And i didnt know any. I have kept my lifestyle a secret and honestly my only social time is at work. And i dont want to piss where i eat. He had no patience and thats all he had a single track mind for was another girl. I asked him for time to see if i could find someone online or maybe feel out a few co workers to see if they are interested. I cant tell ytou the amount of crap i went through.
He has never phsycially hurt me, but i fear for my safety of my reputation He seems to feel he can tear my life apart.
When he gets what he wants, he is fine and sweet. I did find a girl, and after that it seemed ok. Now he is demanding i make money for him. He lost his job and needs money. He is demanding i give him $1000 for his rent otherwise it's a "bad move". He does that alot. Makes threatening remarks at me. Not about my physical safety but like how he will come to my work and i cant remember the exact words but very menacing against my mental/emotional state.
My other problem is that i dont know which way to go with him. No matter what i do it pisses him off. He always thinks im cheating on him since day one. And i has forced me to stay away texting him arguing all night. He pushes his will by saying "no means no" or "just accept it" terms i get. Then he gets scary by saying, "you sholdnt piss me off"
But its like he has told me he doesnt want me to go out...at all...im in the barscene alot, i worked at three. I have friends and just go to socialize. He wants me to sit at home and wait for him to let me come see him (he has a daughter and long story short i cant meet her so my times over are few). He had a shit storm, had his ex over, and claimed they were having sex. This morning he said he didnt but last night he wanted me to think so. But she was still over there! And he kept me up all night so that i got three hours of sleep before a 12 hour work day. Next day, he was like, "well then you shouldnt have gone when i said no"
Im not allowed over when his daughter is there...but the ex is???
He claims he said no, but he didnt really. i knew he didnt want me to but i got tired of sitting around (ok not the subbiest thing to do but please put into context my plight). There was no good reason to not go when He can go when he wants too. He went to a bday party tonight...he didnt even ask me.
Im scared all the time, but i can't figure out if im fighting this to try and turn it into my ideal relationship, or if he's abusive.
He says he cares about me, but then its like he wants me to pay for his rent...in two weeks....maybe if i knew him longer....
Oh and he is consistently dumping me. Saying goodbye, lose my number. Your worthless, you dont love me. Your nothng special. You are useless to me
But then he turns around and says he wants me to be his girl and that he cares about me. He calls me worthless a lot. Seems to play off demeaning me.
So i know this is sorta abstract, but i can't tell if im just fighting the control. I mean i like the restrictions, and the control but at times it seems suffocating and ridiculous demands. And he gets really scary about it. When i tell him, he tells me, "well then do as i say and dont piss me off". And nothing is for me. Like he may not even come to my bday party at the end of the month cause "he wont know anyone" Even as a subbie dont im like..its my bday!
Am i fighting this? I know i've read alot of things, and my previous relationships never got too serious cept for one. So i can't tell. Is this truly where the submission comes into play. To just agree or is this going past Domination to abuse? I just feel like i seriously dont have a right to say no. Ive never thought of myself as a slave, but it seems like im getting forced there.
I can't tell if he cares, or if im a booty call, or if im his whore and he wants to pimp me out.
Please help!!!
< Message edited by ariesdelight -- 3/14/2008 1:25:10 AM >
|
In need of help! - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread