messed up (Full Version)

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colouredin -> messed up (3/14/2008 1:58:29 PM)

OK

Basically I dunno what to do, girlie and Sir have some friends and girlie generally plays with this one girl, and im not sure how I feel about it, the reasons that they have given for it is all stuff like "well they have been good to us, it would be weird if we just said no to them" thing is i feel like if i say im uncomfy with it then im being a kill joy, ive tried to talk about it and stuff but its like i dunno the idea of arranging it and it feeling like an obligation for them doesnt sit right with me. I know im going to get lots of communicate posts in reply to this, but ive tried I just dunno I am not sure i even want advice i just dunno am finding it a bit hard because ive never been in this situation, basically Im going up tommorow and these people are going to come round for a gathering and I dunno i just feel all a bit messed up and I just wanted to um say so i guess.



Daddyslilpookie -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:04:21 PM)

All I can say is comminunicate bottom line and tell them what you are and are not comfortable with, they will either take it or leave it. I hope this helps some.



Leatherist -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:09:06 PM)

Say it as a singing telegram? [;)]



colouredin -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:10:01 PM)

lol ta :P

edited to add,

Basically we have talked about it lots, each time i say im not comfy with the idea and they say fine, thats ok we wont do it again, then like a week later they ask me again.



Leatherist -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:12:26 PM)

Start quipping "oh,I'm having a deju vu moment here!!!!!

                      "What did you say-again?" [;)]

Or ask them if they have a teletubbie fetish.



colouredin -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:16:37 PM)

ta hun you are a diamond, ill do that now :



Focus50 -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:21:55 PM)

OK, this is by no means a long post and I recognise the individual words etc, I do, but geez this is a tough read for us old geezers....  So I'll break it up a tad and hope I make sense
 
So "girlie" is you talking in that "beloved" 3rd person that should only ever be used by Bob from TV's "Becker", right?
 
I gather the problem is you're forced to participate in girl/girl action which you're uncomfortable with?  That would qualify as a legitimate complaint (to me), esp if you're not bi, and if it is such a concern you need to make a stand - that's what having limits means.
 
But this is crap - "the reasons that they have given for it is all stuff like "well they have been good to us, it would be weird if we just said no to them" "  That's not a reason, that's just lame BS.  I can respect if your Sir said to do it because *he* wants you to but I'd never respect anyone who makes decisions based on feeling pressured or obligated because someone was "nice".  Daaaaaamn!!!
 
Without looking at your profile, you sound young and I'd suggest you've reached a stage of maturity where you've developed a limit and you need to be true to yourself and make a stand on this.  Talk to him again and be strong.
 
Focus.



Leatherist -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:23:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

ta hun you are a diamond, ill do that now :


I used to do that one with Tops I didn't like at a club I attended. Ie, they wanted to play with my dates. I'd say it really LOUDLY, in front of people they were trying to impress with thier macho and daring and shit.[:D]

It seemed to do the trick..



SteelofUtah -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:26:25 PM)

I am confused Why are you having an issue? You don't want your Sir's Other girl to be with another woman?

If I am understanding this correctly then I believe there is some boundries that need to be set either with you or with outside sex but it just seems to me there are some things that loose ends that never got tied back up.

If I am missunderstanding I am sorry but it really just sounds like limits that may not have been defined are being pushed here I guess the biggest question is How much is this worth to you? Will you enjoy yourself? Will this Broaden your Horizons? And do you know that it will be something you won't like or not? Answer all these then you should know what to do next.

As Always

Steel



Leatherist -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:29:03 PM)

But I'll add this much. If my *partner*(never mind roles) was uncomfortable with something some of my "friends" was trying to push on *us*-they would not stay friends for very long.



LaTigresse -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 2:35:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

But I'll add this much. If my *partner*(never mind roles) was uncomfortable with something some of my "friends" was trying to push on *us*-they would not stay friends for very long.


Exactly.

My world would not end losing friends like that.



DesFIP -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 3:20:12 PM)

Focus, it isn't third person speech. She's a third to an established couple. They want to play with this friend with bennies. So let them. You go into the other room and read a book. Go grocery shopping. Bake cookies. Go to a movie. They can see their friends and play with them.

If you need veto rights and that's okay with them, then you need to be clear about the fact that you are saying no. If they say that they're doing it anyway, then this isn't the right relationship for you.

Now if you're fine with them playing with this female when you're not there, then say that. And when they say she's coming over this weekend, tell them fine, and maybe you can see them the weekend after.

You need to set your boundaries and you aren't. By not saying "I don't like or trust her" or not saying "I get the feeling you want me to join in and I won't ever" or simply "I'm not here much and I feel disrespected when you don't reserve the few hours I am here to be with me" they don't know what you're feeling. They aren't mind readers and they shouldn't be expected to be. You need to be very clear about what you need. Email it if you can't talk in person.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 4:30:22 PM)

You need to really figure out how you feel about this.  Until you know yourself and what's going on, you can't really expect anything to change at all.  Now, you can get to know exactly how you feel by talking it over with them, but you specifically state you don't really know how you feel- so why should they change a long standing play situations they enjoy because "You're not sure how you feel?"

Of course, talk it out, and once you figure out really what it is that you feel and why, then come to us, share, and we'll give more advice.



xxblushesxx -> RE: messed up (3/14/2008 5:14:05 PM)

That is no fun at all.
I think you really need to tell your sir and other how you feel, and let them know that if they insist on that, that either you can't be there for that , or you can't be there at all. (depending on how you feel.)
I think that when you live with people who love you, they should make you feel comfortable, and not ill at ease in the house you call home.



Focus50 -> RE: messed up (3/15/2008 3:50:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Focus, it isn't third person speech. She's a third to an established couple. They want to play with this friend with bennies.

See, this is what happens when an OP makes my head hurt but I'm in the mood for some gung-ho and respond anyway....  *groan*  And now I'm wayyy too "gun shy" to even ask wtf is "bennies"???  lol
 
Doesn't matter because A), a posting lesson is learnt (for me) and B), it still seems to be about the acquiring of a hard limit for the OP or, probably more relevant or accurate, that the limit is forcing itself upon the OP's conscience.
 
And Celeste, I tried re-reading the OP with your additional info in mind and I'm done here....  ;-)
 
Focus.



Bound2One -> RE: messed up (3/15/2008 8:04:21 AM)

'friends w/ bennies' = 'friends with benefits'    [:)]

As for the OP - I'm a bit confused.  Are you being asked to play also, or are you going to watch?  Or are you not around when the scene occurs?  If you are involved with the scene, and it's a hard limit, and you've stated it as such ... you've got a problem on your hand and have to take a stand.  Can you ask to just not be involved?  Or would you rather Sir and girlie not even play with the other couple, even if you're not involved - and is this something you're 'permitted' to take a stand against? 



DesFIP -> RE: messed up (3/15/2008 11:56:24 AM)

Friend with bennies means this other female who comes over occasionally is a someone who the alpha sub in this relationship likes to have sex with. What's wrong is that they haven't specifically asked her how she feels about this other woman, it must be obvious from her reaction that she's not enjoying herself, but the couple doesn't seem to care. And that's what wrong. They don't really want to know that she doesn't like it because then they would have to give up either colouredin or the other woman, and they don't feel like doing either. Stupid, because eventually colouredin is going to feel so demeaned and devalued that she'll leave anyway.

I'm wondering if the female in the couple isn't deliberately planning the other woman to come over when colouredin is there in order to subtly show coloured in that she is of no importance in the scheme of things. I wonder if she isn't jealous of her being in the relationship. And I'm curious about how many other thirds they've had and how long any of those relationships lasted.

Because the bottom line is, that it's a very rude thing to do. They deliberately invite this other woman over during the few hours colouredin is there, and not midweek. The only reason to be doing this is to hurt her. Once or twice a year playdates could conflict but all the time? Deliberate.



lally3 -> RE: messed up (3/15/2008 1:30:20 PM)

You need to really figure out how you feel about this. 

im with lucky albatross here. 

these guys are important to you, thats clear from your other posts, you need to find some way of dealing with this and i feel that maybe first you need to work out why you have a problem with it.  i think you probably do know, its just a matter of reaching deep and taking a look.

your Sir and girlie want to include you, thats a positive - the fact that you find it difficult is your problem, as you know, and one you have to find an answer to.

by working out where your problem is coming from you can deal with it, with their help.  im guessing this isnt going to go away, since youve talked to them about it already but if youre answer to why was 'i dunno', its hard to imagine theyre going to stop an activity just because you feel negative for no definite reason.

you really need to take ownership of this thing. at least then you can talk about it and at the very least bow out but know why and theyll know why too, rather than you being there and hating it or not being there and hating it and them thinking its something thats causing a problem for you that they cant help you deal with and which might, in the end, cause a rift.

good luck with this



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