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Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 4:02:44 PM   
wiltordgreen


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/10/2008
Status: offline 		Hello,

I just wondering if anyone could offer me some advice on getting my girlfriend to become a mistress? I do know this isn't the forum for relationship advice but I am sure not all mistresses are born mistresses (hence the question in the subject line) and some most have got into it through a relationship.

We have been going out for nearly five years and we are very much in love. The problem is sex or my  femdom desires to be more accurate . I wanted to be dominated and humilated by a strong female. Forced to masterbate, lick her feet etc, eat my own cum and take a strap on. I have told my girlfriend a number of times about my desires (expect the cum part) and we have acted them out to a degree. She has tied me to the bed, made me worship her pussy and arse, but this is only once in a blue moon.  I personally do not think she likes being in control and find verbal humilation impossible. It is like she goes half way but then stops and I cannot work it out. I bought a strap on, but she finds it a bit odd and doesn't like the idea. She says she will do it but that has been 4 months now,

My questions is, are mistresses born mistresses or can a normal girlfriend be converted into a mistress? If so, how? How can I get her to take the next step?

Is there anything we should watch or I should do?

please help.

Wiltord




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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 4:12:11 PM   
Pyrrsefanie


Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline 		You can't just "convert" your girlfriend against her wishes into being Super Domme.  There's no magic light switch that you can flip.

Domination focuses on the desires of the one doing the dominating, not the slave who wants more verbal humiliation, or more bondage, or more anything.  You don't get to pick when she does it or how she does it.  She does what feels good and feels right to her, and that's that.

I don't believe that you have to be born with a dominant streak.  I believe that you can develop one over time for various reasons which are too numerous to go into here.  I also don't believe that a "natural" dominant is better than one who is "made" or blossoms into it over time.

You need to sit down and discuss this with her instead of a bunch of strangers on an internet forum.  She may simply have a misconception of what domination is really like -- that she's supposed to come at you in a catsuit with a whip and tell you "On your knees, bitch!" in which case she's probably intimidated because it seems so awkward and cheesy.  That's the X-rated porno theater version of domination.  Plus, starting her off with a strap-on of all things?  Jesus, if my boyfriend had walked up to me in the beginning of the relationship, handed me one of those, and said "Please fuck me in the ass" I probably would have walked out right then and there.  Talk about intimidation!  She sounds like she has relatively little experience with dominating anyone, and throwing big scary toys into the mix is just going to make her try to get further and further away from it.

If I may make a recommendation of a good article/series for you to read, Akasha's "Good Girl's Guide to Domination" does quite a bit to dispel the crazy myths surrounding female dominants, and I believe would probably help to ease some of your girlfriend's fears or discomfort about the whole thing.

But it's not a guaranteed thing.  She may legitimately not want to dominate you or anyone else, in which case you have a decision to make as to how you want that relationship to proceed, if your needs are so strong.

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 4:14:21 PM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		If you are very much in love and desire to be submissive to her...then wouldn't it be a terribly submissive act to put your own desires aside if she really can't live exactly the way -you- want her too?

Just food for thought.

DV's Fox

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 4:14:51 PM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline
quote:

There's no magic light switch that you can flip.


thats right....we're not talking about penis's here... LOL


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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 4:28:42 PM   
wiltordgreen


Posts: 3
Joined: 3/10/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for the advice, I will read that article. Sometimes it is better to get other peoples views even if they are 'strangers'

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 5:12:03 PM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline 		it sounds too much about you.  you you you.

toss the word mistress aside, it's only getting in the way here, and no, no one is born a mistresses.  no more than anyone is born gay, or straight.  no more than anyone is born a lawyer, or a factory worker.  a mistress neither needs to be dominant or sadistic though, they only have to be receptive to servitude, which is why i recommend throwing that word away.  a mistress does not equal a dominatrix in latex and 6 inch heels, with a bull whip and a strap-on.

people are simply born with a body and a mind.  as we progress, the mind and the body will develop, and they develop unique.  even with 2 minds going through similar circumstances, each will react and interpret differently, and this is where people will "say" they are born a certain way, with certain traits, and certain natures.

i have no advice for you, other than that you need to figure out what is more important.  love, or sex.  or rather,having both love and sex, or your fetishes.  you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  you can put a whip in someone's hand, but you can't make them a sadist, you can't make them use it or like using it.  i'm not trying to bash you in this post, but everything you say here... it's not about you wanting to serve, it's about you wanting to be served.  it's about your perversions and your own kinks and fetishes.  the only concern you have with her (implied at least) is how you can make her more "ideal" in getting you off.  the last thing you should probably do in bdsm, is look at bdsm as if it's just some form of kinky sex.  bdsm is not about the activities or about sex.  bdsm is about roles, not about roleplaying.  every activity ever performed or associated with bdsm could be done so outside any bounds or definitions of bdsm.  every vanilla activity ever conceived could be done so under definition of bdsm.

if you try to force this on her, or if you're truly in love...  and you let "this" ruin love, i truly feel sorry for her.  i don't want to say you two fell in love with the wrong people, but the thought crossed my mind a few times.  my advice isn't "she isn't the girl for you, so move on to someone else".  the only advice i could give you is what you've most likely already done. 

1. talk with her.
2. see what she makes of it.

considering she's still with you at this point, but not going for it... #3 is entirely up to you, not up to her. 
if you continue to try and force it, she might start seeing you as being creepy, she might find it overbearing, she might leave you.

my only advice is just figure out what is really important, and don't try to force it. 

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 3/14/2008 5:17:49 PM >

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 5:48:27 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Well to me its both. I have very dominant traits and my Father encouraged those traits in me. But not all women are wired this way, its very individual. You need to sit her down and talk about it. She may share these fantasties which would be great, then again she may not. You can never tell until you communicate.

~Lashra


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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 7:27:29 PM   
wervenom


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066

If you are very much in love and desire to be submissive to her...then wouldn't it be a terribly submissive act to put your own desires aside if she really can't live exactly the way -you- want her too?

Just food for thought.

DV's Fox


No offense Shawn but that suggestion is tossed around by people from time to time, just be nilla because that's what she wants.... what a joke, been there and *sigh* doing that. All you end up doing is repressing a side of yourself which leads to increasing frustration untill you get to the point where all you can see is that frustration.

If you just want kinky sex well that's not a problem... if you want something more and in reality you don't really understand what it is you want... arggghhh.

To the OP:

I'm in a LTR with a woman we mesh on so many levels and it is great, I've been very open with her from the beginning in regards to wiitwd and she had always stated a desire to learn more/see it was for her until a few months ago. As my frustration with a lack of D/s in my life has increased I have found myself less and less inclined to want to be with her.

All I can say is what other have stated only she can decided if she wants to be Dominant and then you need to let her find out for herself where her interests lie. If it's just kinky sex your after well fingers crossed you can sorted that between the two of you.


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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 7:52:15 PM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wervenom

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066

If you are very much in love and desire to be submissive to her...then wouldn't it be a terribly submissive act to put your own desires aside if she really can't live exactly the way -you- want her too?

Just food for thought.

DV's Fox


No offense Shawn but that suggestion is tossed around by people from time to time, just be nilla because that's what she wants.... what a joke, been there and *sigh* doing that. All you end up doing is repressing a side of yourself which leads to increasing frustration untill you get to the point where all you can see is that frustration.

If you just want kinky sex well that's not a problem... if you want something more and in reality you don't really understand what it is you want... arggghhh.


That's exactly why I've entirely avoided vanilla relationships all of my life.  No offense to anybody this has happened to, because I know nobody plans on it...  But I never, ever wanted to hurt somebody else because my urges might be stronger than the relationship.  So, I simply ruled out the possibility.  I just don't like the idea of married people(for example) giving up their families and their marriages because of their urges.  There are times when you should put others above yourself, and marriage/family is one of those things.  If a man, for example, has a wife,  2 kids, and all the dressings...  He should try to talk it out with his wife.  If she doesn't understand, then she doesn't understand and he should just leave it at that.  His responsibility to his family and to his marriage should outweigh his own urges, in my view.

Edited: I know the OP is not married(but he is in an LTR)...I was just explaining where my logic comes from.

DV's Fox

< Message edited by Shawn1066 -- 3/14/2008 7:54:24 PM >

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 7:58:55 PM   
AtlantaMistress


Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline 		As a Pro Domme - I have actually coached 2 couples - both in this situation, very much the same. The girlfriend was open to the idea, but since the guy was telling her all about HIS fantasies and expecting HER to fulfill them, the basic idea of submission was lost - which should be him finding happiness in pleasing HER. What I was able to do was to help HER find confidence - giving her ideas and such so that he was not topping from the bottom, with her worrying whether she was doing it "right". I met with them together for a first session - then the Ladies one on one for a few sessions, and even followed up with phone calls. I am a bit different, and I have been called, even by my boys - and "erotic" therapist...I prefer "life coach" since you don't have to have a specialized degree for that (although I do have a BS in Communication - which helps.). Based solely on my experience, I would try to find a Pro Domme who would be interested in doing joint sessions, or get out into the community - perhaps there is someone who would agree to Mentor her. One of the couples I coached is still together, and very happy...the other - she actually left him, but she had really started getting into Domination, and I think the problem was more like I said at the beginning of my post - he was more interested in bottoming his fetishes than truly submitting to please her!

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 9:11:31 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		The basic principle in such a relationship is the Domme gets her needs, wants and wishes fulfilled first and the sub thereafter.

If your GF is open to you being submissive to her, then you're half way there. Finding out about her needs and allowing her freedom to explore without any pressure or evaluation from you as to how she is as a Domme might be a step forward. Be supportive, it isn't easy to dominate someone if being dominant isn't in her nature, and especially when there's feelings involved.

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/14/2008 11:01:40 PM   
herpet1313


Posts: 68
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline 		Wilt:
 You received lots of good advice. Allow me to add some more.
 First: Consider yourself very lucky that your wife is at least open to the idea. Mant women would not. 
 Second: Google "Elise Sutton". There you will find another way to approach your wife with your desires. If she is interested there is much for your wife to learn and explore as well.
 Good luck!
                                                              herpet

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/15/2008 4:07:38 AM   
chezzy52


Posts: 220
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		I think both men and women are born with dominant and submissive traits and that the circumstances that take place early on in life up to the teenage years molds each person with one trait or the other to embrace or forget about.

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/15/2008 4:52:00 AM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline
quote:

thats right....we're not talking about penis's here... LOL


Bahahaha!!  Good one!!


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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/15/2008 5:26:05 AM   
StormsSlave


Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline 		Since I began to show intereste in my own submission, My Lord has allowed me to take the reigns and do research on my own.  We discuss, quite openly, the things that we read and learn here, and share things we liked or don't like all the time.  We are both open to trying new things, but he doesn't push if I tell him I'm not ready for something.  I know my opinion matters to him, and it makes me want to please him even more.  Making him smile has become a driving point in my life.  Since he spends a good portion of his life doing the same for me, it works out quite well for the both of us.

May I suggest that you allow your partner to learn on her own what she likes and doesn't like?  Has she been to this site and read any of the posts?  Many of the Dommes on this site are incredibly intelligent, well-spoken individuals with a lot of great things to say.  Maybe if she spent some time looking into it, there would be aspects about the life she's willing to try.  I think it's great that you are so open with her about what you want.  Now she might need some time to find out what she wants.  Given time, she may feel empowered to move forward on her own.  In the meantime, how about spending some time really focusing on her NEEDS and wants, instead of your own.  The more you give, the more she'll give back, I'm thinking.

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/15/2008 6:46:01 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		All together now.......

"Well you never would believe where those Mistresses all come from."

"They're made by little elves in a hollow tree."

I know I know, please forgive me everyone, please forgive me.

Or not.

chia* (the pet)

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/15/2008 8:04:36 AM   
MissLily


Posts: 146
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		OMG! You BOUGHT her a strap on????? That was NOT smart! sorry, don't mean to be rude, but that was just stupid.

Sounds to Me like you're being pushy with your fantasies and you can be sure it's a total turn off for her.

Instead of buying her a strap on, why don't you try introducing her to information. There are very good sites and mentor like Akashaweb or Elise Sutton.

On those sites, you're going to find out what you need to avoid to do so you don't turn her off, you'll be told how to behave to her not to scare her off.

But most of all, you're going to find info for her to read. Get to know what BDSM really is and undo the cliché she probably has of the latex clad Dominatrix blondy she's seen on porn sites.

Get smart about this!
Miss Lily

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/15/2008 8:25:11 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Great advice here! OP, at the moment, you're not a sub but a pushy little shit! And your gf is doing to you what sensible people do to pls's ... they ignore them! And above all, they do not FEED their pushiness by doing what they are clamouring for.

Get OUT of the headspace that it's about you and your kinks. If you truly want to sub, the appropriate headspace is that it's about her and her kinks. Have you actually offered to do USEFUL things for her? Like ... chores? And I mean doing them properly ... HER way, WHEN she wants them done. Have you thought about pampering her? Learning useful skills such as massage, how to do a manicure, a pedicure? Start pleasing HER ... and just maybe, she will be so grateful she will wish to reward you ... and when she asks you what would be a suitable reward, then you might air your kinks but still not EXPECT her to immediately jump to and perform for you. And the strap on ... well you have already been comprehensively told what a BAD idea this was!

And if you can't do this, face the fact that you are not a sub, stop pestering your poor gf to Dominate you and go and find a service Top, one who will follow your orders. Of course, you may have to pay for that privilege.

Also get her some real information as has been suggested, and see if you can find either a lifestyle Domme or a good pro-Domme (who understands the difference between what they do for pay and what others do for play) such as AtlantaMistress suggested to coach her. She may have a whole lot of misplaced ideas about what it means to be Dominant (hardly surprising when all she has learned she has learned from a "do me" boy like you!) ... she may be fearful of causing actual harm ... she may simply lack ideas and not particularly resonate with yours. Also, be careful of what you wish for ... what if, when she gets educated, she decides all your little fetishes are simply too tame and wants to get into needleplay, branding, electro play, wax, fire play ... well good luck little boy!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/15/2008 8:55:49 AM   
rick19


Posts: 98
Status: offline 		Sounds to me that you are more of a fetishist than a submissive which is fine. If you girlfriend doesn't have a problem with it, I suggest to book an appointment with a Pro Domme. If your girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable pegging you, then don't push the issue, it is never going to happen, and you as a sub, you should not have her do something she does not feel comfortable doing  If seeing a Pro Domme isn't an option, refer to the advice below:

Start out slow and start serving her in a non-sexual matter, for example, make her breakfast in bed or take on household chores, if you two live together. This won't happen over night, but if you treat her like a Queen, you will slowly become her bitch, as you start to lose her respect as she bosses you around more and more. Once that is done, she will have no qualms about verbally humiliating you, her lowly slave, in or out of the bedroom. The problem is that she sees you as an equal, not a lowly slave.



















































Oh, but if you treat a vanilla woman like a Queen, she'll probably cheat on you with another guy, a "Real Man™ " . I Hope you like cuckolding

< Message edited by rick19 -- 3/15/2008 9:09:32 AM >

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RE: Are mistresses born or made? - 3/15/2008 9:14:24 AM   
rubberpet


Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline 		Mistresses are made and assembled in China, along with every other thing in this world that can harm you if you are not careful or taught how to properly handle them...like lead paint!

< Message edited by rubberpet -- 3/15/2008 9:15:02 AM >

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