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Advice... - 3/15/2008 4:28:00 PM   
Ostentatious


Posts: 98
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline 		I waited five years to find the person I wanted to sub to.  When we met it became the most intense relationship I'd ever had.  It however, became destructive and although love was there a mistake by me led to her being hurt (emotionally).  That led to her getting her own back and inevitible doom of the relationship as the trust was completely destroyed.

They say that once in a lifetime you meet the person you're meant to be with.  I have no doubt that this woman, my domme was my chance and I know it is gone.

We tried to discuss things about two months ago.  We didn't get anywhere.  We decided it was better to just leave it.

Tonight, around 10pm she called me.  I was in shock.  I was calm, I was unemotional, for a time.  I didn't let the past get in the way of the conversation she wanted to have.  She said she missed me and had just been talking to her best friend about me.  She tried to replace me but she hasn't been able to.  I said something naughty that led her to tell me the last time she slept with someone, the whole time she was doing it (penetrative vanilla sex has never done anything for her) she was thinking about me and how she would rather be cumming all over my face before forcing (as if) me to perform my favorite thing in the entire world (not telling, sorry)....

I sent a text after to say I was shocked she had called and was sorry if I was offish in anyway...

She replied saying she missed me, we both know where my place is and she misses me being in that place....

So...how the hell do I move on from here?  Can you move on from here?  Is it better to leave the dust as settled, or should I get some bigs boots on and kick the dust up?

So lost right now, even writing about a problem like this on here so isn't like me.

Any advice appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 4:53:26 PM   
vinylsubmission


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/21/2008
Status: offline 		Sounds like you want to and she wants to try again. As long as you learned from round 1 this could be very successful...

(in reply to Ostentatious)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 5:05:05 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		You admit it started to fall apart due to a mistake on your part. You need to ask yourself two serious questions.

A ) Do you love her ?
OR B ) Do you want to get back because you are alone ?

Your own answer determines your next move. If you are still in love, as against lonely, arrange a date so you can chat with her.
Good luck either way.

(in reply to vinylsubmission)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 5:10:26 PM   
Ostentatious


Posts: 98
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

You admit it started to fall apart due to a mistake on your part. You need to ask yourself two serious questions.

A ) Do you love her ?
OR B ) Do you want to get back because you are alone ?

Your own answer determines your next move. If you are still in love, as against lonely, arrange a date so you can chat with her.
Good luck either way.


Love has never been an issue.  She remains the only woman I've ever loved.

It's not a lack of options on either persons part.  I've been pretty much 'nilla for the nine months since we split because I don't think I have the headspace for a new domme yet but that time will come.

Thanks for your help!  It's made me think.

(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 5:15:02 PM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline 		Sounds like you would not be unreceptive to trying again.

I can only tell you that for me, the only time re-visiting an old relationship with success, that had created feelings of mistrust and resentment when it ended, was to make sure, both parties, had "truly" forgiven each other for the past situation.  No matter who made the 1st mistake, "usually," both parties end up saying/doing things they don't feel good about and instill resentment in the other person.

The times I have tried this and hadn't "truly" forgiven the other person, submliminal sarcasm would surface from the past even if it was totally irrelevent to the new conflict.  So, it didn't work out.

Then, other times, I have "really" forgiven, the other person, and they say they have as well, and things are great.  They ended up not lasting due to other issues of "life getting in the way" type of stuff.

In a nutshell:  I would have this discussion of forgiveness with each other if you both decide to move forward for reconciliation.  And, even then, nothing is guaranteed.  Hey, that's life.  Sometimes you just have to embrace the moment.
But only you can decide that for yourself.

< Message edited by MistressVnus -- 3/15/2008 5:30:42 PM >

_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 5:25:30 PM   
Ostentatious


Posts: 98
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline 		I appreciate your experiences, thank you.

I forgave what she did a long time ago.  I can't even bring myself to think about it so I blocked it out.  I know that isn't an issue for me anymore.

The only thing I wish was that she had ended the relationship before she did that, when she realised I'd let her down.

(in reply to MistressVnus)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 5:42:45 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I tend to think that when we block something out and can't bear to think about it, we aren't healed.  As long as there are unresolved anything's... the emotions can quickly be brought to the surface and explode if given enough built up emotional gun powder.  I would suggest bearing it enough to really think and feel about it when you are alone.  Then go from there.  If healing is needed, good.  We can forgive in one sense and in another are still wounded. Until you can think about it without high emotions, rather than a sutle reminder of a painful time and maybe some sorrow over it, it is too alive to stay dead, if you know what I mean.

(in reply to Ostentatious)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 5:46:57 PM   
Ostentatious


Posts: 98
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
I tend to think that when we block something out and can't bear to think about it, we aren't healed.  As long as there are unresolved anything's... the emotions can quickly be brought to the surface and explode if given enough built up emotional gun powder.  I would suggest bearing it enough to really think and feel about it when you are alone.  Then go from there.  If healing is needed, good.  We can forgive in one sense and in another are still wounded. Until you can think about it without high emotions, rather than a sutle reminder of a painful time and maybe some sorrow over it, it is too alive to stay dead, if you know what I mean.


Whilst I agree, I'm not seeking to be healed.  I want to forget it ever happened.  Nothing, absolutely nothing can change it.  Maybe luckily I'm not the type to 'explode' and she knows exactly how much it hurt me because I told her, face to face and she even said months later that if she never believes anything else in life she'll never doubt me over that.  She also isn't the type to bring it up which is awesome :)

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 5:54:10 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ostentatious
I waited five years to find the person I wanted to sub to.  When we met it became the most intense relationship I'd ever had.  It however, became destructive and although love was there a mistake by me led to her being hurt (emotionally).  That led to her getting her own back and inevitible doom of the relationship as the trust was completely destroyed.

Are either of you willing to trust the other again with vanilla stuff, let alone deeper and darker SM explorations?

quote:


They say that once in a lifetime you meet the person you're meant to be with.  I have no doubt that this woman, my domme was my chance and I know it is gone.

If you believe that, remember this as you march forward.  Keep it in the front of your mind.

quote:


We tried to discuss things about two months ago.  We didn't get anywhere.  We decided it was better to just leave it.

Why? Why? and Why?  What changed over the past 2 months to suddenly make things right with the world again?

quote:


*cut dirty conversation*
She replied saying she missed me, we both know where my place is and she misses me being in that place....

Having a smutty conversation is easier than having a sensible conversation.  It's less tedious and uncomfortable than talking about the elephant in the room....this one being your previous issues, the non-trust, and how you move on from that.  It doesn't just miraculously go away.

quote:


So...how the hell do I move on from here?  Can you move on from here?  Is it better to leave the dust as settled, or should I get some bigs boots on and kick the dust up?  So lost right now, even writing about a problem like this on here so isn't like me.  Any advice appreciated.

What is it that you want from her?  Is her friendship worth more?  It sounds as though you could at least salvage a friendship if you both are on speaking terms.  The trust issue is going to be the big stumbling block -- especially if she's talking about wanting to do things playwise with you.  Does the trust need to be rebuilt between you both before you engage like that...and who brings it up????

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Ostentatious)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 5:54:54 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Cool... I wish you both the best then!

(in reply to Ostentatious)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Advice... - 3/15/2008 5:57:01 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ostentatious
I forgave what she did a long time ago.  I can't even bring myself to think about it so I blocked it out.  I know that isn't an issue for me anymore.

Isn't that a bit of a contradiction?

You forgave her.
You can't bring yourself to think about it.
You blocked it out.
It's not an issue for you.

Hmmmmm.  Conflicting statements you make!!!  If you forgave her, you thought long and hard about the impact it made on you and your relationship and decided that it was more important to have her in your life rather than hold against her whatever was done.  You can't bring yourself to think about it and had to block it out, so clearly, you've not come to grips with what it is/was and that will come back to bite you in the ass in the long run.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Ostentatious)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Advice... - 3/16/2008 8:24:57 AM   
LadyJeelys


Posts: 99
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ostentatious
I said something naughty that led her to tell me the last time she slept with someone, the whole time she was doing it (penetrative vanilla sex has never done anything for her) she was thinking about me and how she would rather be cumming all over my face before forcing (as if) me to perform my favorite thing in the entire world (not telling, sorry)....



You didn't say what the issue was, but it kind of sounds like disloyalty was at the core. But then you wrote this.......which makes it seem like loyalty still hasn't been learned.

My suggestion would be take things slow.....and with more than a grain of caution.

(in reply to Ostentatious)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Advice... - 3/16/2008 8:39:43 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I wish you the best of luck with this situation...   I was in a similar place once, and it took me a long time to recover.  Be careful, examine your true motivations, and look at what really changed.

Loneliness and desire can lead us down some very bad roads. 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to LadyJeelys)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Advice... - 3/16/2008 10:08:36 AM   
MistressFaye1


Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		Life needs to be lived to its fullest... therefore my advice to you would be to really talk about the "incident", put it on the table, discuss it and both of you will need to take the time to regain trust.  The aren't any time tables here and one mistake I think people make is forgetting it takes a long time to develop a relationship and one small thing to shatter it.

When I worked with troubled teens, I would tell them this:  Building a trusting and loving relationship takes time but it can break... like a rock thrown through a window will break in seconds but the time spent fixing it can take a long time, especially if you're not experienced at window repair and/or if someone is breathing down your neck to get it done in their time.

People walk away from relationships for a time and it is when they are apart from each other; they realize how much they truly love and miss the other and it's also time to think about the things missed that were possible taken for granted.

Since you admit, you were the one that hurt her and broke trust, you may need to have patience and whatever you do, don't throw it up in her face that you forgave her.  You are you and she is who she is.  Don't expect her to do the same as you have.  The fact the she called you may mean she's beginnng to move past the hurt, try again, and sees something of value in the relationship that is important to her.  Sometimes we can't see that when we're in a hurtful relationship but as time passes, we miss the things we held dear to us.

Give it a try...be real, be open, be honest, and be humble!  But... don't get beat up about it (figuratively of course)!

Good luck... but remember in spite of what anyone of us say---Only you know what's right for you. 

Wouldn't you rather know how things will be rather than possibly wonder for the rest of your life how things could have been if you tried this one time?

Faye-------------------------------------  Good Luck either way you go!


_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Advice... - 3/16/2008 11:14:39 AM   
Kitte9


Posts: 411
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ostentatious

Whilst I agree, I'm not seeking to be healed.  I want to forget it ever happened.  Nothing, absolutely nothing can change it.  Maybe luckily I'm not the type to 'explode'



I agree in that it not only sounds like you haven't dealt with it, but are in fact running from it. Just because it can't be changed, or perhaps for that very reason, it should be firmly put to bed (no pun intended). Maybe you aren't the type to explode, then again, maybe you are. No one knows until it happens.

_____________________________

I am stronger than yesterday

(in reply to Ostentatious)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Advice... - 3/16/2008 12:36:46 PM   
VeryMercurial


Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		It does not sound like you really have forgiven her in your heart.
If you are able to forgive her in your heart, why not give it another try?

(in reply to Ostentatious)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Advice... - 3/16/2008 1:10:05 PM   
khem


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		If I was in the top position, I'd probably send you to therapy for a while.

(I don't think of therapy as a negative thing, btw).

(in reply to VeryMercurial)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Advice... - 3/16/2008 8:51:36 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: khem

If I was in the top position, I'd probably send you to therapy for a while.

(I don't think of therapy as a negative thing, btw).



Better yet, send them both if they want to learn to communicate about what happened and work things out!
 
 - pixel


_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to khem)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Advice... - 3/16/2008 9:11:25 PM   
khem


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

Better yet, send them both if they want to learn to communicate about what happened and work things out!
 
 - pixel



Amen.

(in reply to pixelslave)
Profile   Post #: 19
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