Awakener
Posts: 88
Joined: 9/18/2005
Status: offline
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When I was 15, I and my friends first began to have sex. It was not long before I was seriously questioning my sexuality. I would listen to a friend tell of some sexual exploit, and just keep thinkng " yeah, yeah, get to the good part", but they never did.
They seemed to focus on things that where wholely secondary, or of no interest to me at all. Thier emphasize was more on, 'Did I get it into her, and did I cum'. While I just kept waiting for them to tell me about what her orgasm was like. What did her face look like when your got her there. What emotions played across her body and face when you made her let go, or give in, etc..
I simply was not interested if I got to penetrate her. I of course enjoy my orgasms, but it just is not where my focus was. My focus was on the women. On....well doing things to a women not having them done by a women.
So I decided "Well young Awakener, you must be gay". "Of course thats it. I am completely focused on the women. I am empathizing from her point of view. So yes then I must be like a women." Or some such nonsense.
I spent about an entire school year trying to....well be gay I suppose. I would try and look at the supposed hot guys and see if I couldn't get turned on. Try and fantisize gay scenarios while self pleasureing. None of it worked. All this either had no affect , or disgusted me.
Well there was a guy whom Ii'd grown up with. It was a sorta small town. And well we were never real close friends but Ii hung out with him on occasion. Well one day we were in his room sneaking some drinks from his mothers wet bar, when he began to tell me about a women he had had. And what do you know. Here was a guy who went straight to the good parts. Here is a guy telling me about the womens expression when he rolled her nipple in his teeth. {That was I think my first idea that a lil pain might be fun by the way}.
Here is a guy who did not care if he got to cum, but wanted more to make her cum, over and over..LOL. I did not discuss all that had been plauging me, all my doubts, fears, and such. But I knew then that I was at least not gay. I thought "well I'm strange I suppose but at least one other person feels something of the way Ii do."
I think sexuality can be a very terrible burden. no other subject can drive you so far into yourself, and cause you so much fear. It is just so very hard to discuss things like this, especialy when you are young.
So can you wake up and be Vanilla?
I don't think so. You ofcourse can modify your behaviour, but you can not change what you feel. Vanilla is not any easier than our way of expressing our sexuality. I was never happy being vanilla so how would it be easier. I did find far more sexual partners when i was vanilla, and maybe if I were 23 again, and in the midst of my 20s' slut period, I would find it hard to remain committed to this way of life.
But though Ii certainly had more sex as a vanilla, It was never as enjoyable. 95% of the time I was emotionally detached from the vanilla sex I was having. And I just could not go back to that kind of existence. I need the emotional conection and bond that this way of life gives me. Sex as I practice it now is not just an orgasm. It is a connection with another being.
Well I've rambled long enogh, here is my 2 cents.
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