RE: Pseudo-Dom or not?

RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (Full Version)

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MontrealPhoenix -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 4:00:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam It would depend on if I trusted him or not. Reading off a profile...probably not. Knowing him for years...maybe. I have friends who pretty much operate that way...and I'd trust them if I ever chose to serve them because I know their character, their abilities and their intent. However, my friends also don't take those kind of liberties with people who are not either in service or outright collared to them. My opinion: You have to get to know someone first and get to know them well, if you operate that way. So, if the guy is willing to talk a LOT before EVER picking up a flogger...maybe. If he's expecting it the moment you walk in the door....no way. Bottom line: if you don't trust him, don't submit. Master Fire My thoughts exactly. There is no way i could just say "okay you tell me what my limits are" to someone i had just chatted casually to. But to just let him do anything he likes to me regardless of whether or not it could damage me mentally or emotionally is something i could never do. For me that's what getting to know each other before play is for, to decide what will and won't happen during play. Phoenix

Evility -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 4:04:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I am with Leatherist on this one. I don't negotiate, you either want to submit to me or you don't, that goes for relationships or casual play. And count me along with Leatherist and SimplyMichael. Phoenix... you need to get out more. Not everyone does everything your way. There really are D/s relationships out there where the tail does not wag the dog.

Madame4a -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 4:53:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I am with Leatherist on this one. I don't negotiate, you either want to submit to me or you don't, that goes for relationships or casual play. And count me along with Leatherist and SimplyMichael. Phoenix... you need to get out more. Not everyone does everything your way. There really are D/s relationships out there where the tail does not wag the dog. Count me in this group as well -- you submit or not, choice is yours but I won't negotiate or fight about it.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 5:13:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix I came across the profile of a dom who believes that a subbie's limits should be left up to him as he has many years of experience and would be able to discern what her limits actually are. Now to me that's a bunch of BS because how can someone i've just met possibly know what my limits are/aren't? Would you say this guy is for real and just too confident or a fake? Phoenix It's a huge turn on for me when a dom sets the stage. I'm out of there mentally the minute he asks or gives me a choice as to whether or not I want to do something. There are some doms that like to set limits...doesn't make them fake. There are some subs that like to have their limits set by another...doesn't make either party wrong.

Archer -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 5:40:22 AM)
Asking what someone's limits are before you have asked them how they define limits is a cart/horse thing in my book. If one defines limits as things they don't want to do vs things they are unable to do without damage, then likely I'd have to adjust my approach and I might even dismiss the idea completely. But without knowing how they define limits the question and answer have so little context as to be just short of useless. The Idea in question seems to spring from the general truth of people self limiting far short of what they are truely capable of doing. If you believe that people generally will set lower expactations for themselves than what they are capable of, and you believe in a D/s dynamic, then you can logicly defend the idea of a Dominant will determine/ discern/ scry/ etc what their limits are.

daddyncherry -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 8:40:24 AM)
my Master/Daddy ultimately set my limits for me, though he didn't tell me that off the bat. He heard me out on the things i thought were my hard limits, he let me voice my concerns (and chuckled to himself), and then as time went on he slowly erased most of my limits (all but the "fearsome four").....He knew where my mind and heart were before i knew, he knew where he could take me, where i would follow him and so he let me say all of my stuff and really just kind of ignored it all..... In a way it kinda irked me and confused me when he told me that....how he had laughed to himself over them, how he knew i had no clue of what i could or would do. i expected that my hard limits would just be respected, never pushed, never gone past and i took his desire for me, w/ the knowledge of my limits, to mean that he was fine with them...i was new and didn't have a clue, he was right about that. Now, those things, save for one, are typical, and mostly my favorite things (sexually speaking only)...So he did know way more than i did....and he has determined my limits as he chooses.

everhope -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 9:50:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo I will actually rule someone out immediately if they say to me "So...what are your limits?". When they say this, I know right away that we could never be compatible, because we don't approach bdsm in the same mindset and I can tell from that statement alone. i found this to be so true. if the conversation starts like this, i know we are not on the same page. i have also found that men that begin with this approach lack in conversational skills. that is a hard limit for me! may we all find our bliss, everhope

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 9:55:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist Nods....They won't ask you about limits. They will simply make clear what they expect to be submitted to-and the ball is in your court. It's how they weed out what they consider to be "Psuedo subs." And it's an extremely efficient method. Strange, that wasn't how it worked for us at all, he did not want to talk about limits, but respected that I had them... really listened to me, and if I said that something scared me took his time going there. Now I have no limits but his limits... same result, but not your method julia Ditto for Michael and I.. Ain't it funny how that works?

KatyLied -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 10:00:57 AM)
quote: I will actually rule someone out immediately if they say to me "So...what are your limits?" I also rule them out. I figure they are wanting wankage fodder. I don't have time for that sort of nonsense.

SteelofUtah -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 10:28:27 AM)
I see limits as being an experiencary concept. I know from Experience that I do not care for blow jobs (Sorry Cali) I know this because I have recieved many and every time it never reached the hype, so I tend not to even want them as there is a Giant List of things I do like and would like INSTEAD of a blow job, however I know that if the only thing the person is willing to give is a Blow Job and I am wanting contact I can live through it. This applies to a Light Limit, something that I really don't care for but am willing to do if it is the only option. Someone meeting me might disagree wih this limit and I might be willing to let them see if they can illisit a different response. I do not Bottom, I find that my distaste for this activity is beyond average and boarders on the kind of feelings that take me to a place that is not safe for me. This applies to a Hard Limit I am not willing to to do this activity EVER and I will not allow someone to step on or intrude in on this limit of mine. I see limits just this way. I have NO IDEA how someone is going to react to something or WHY someone reacts to something poorly so I take into account thier feelings and let them decide what is a limit and what is not. But there are people out there who want a person who will objectify them and take responsibility for even these things and I cannot say that they are any more or any less Dominant or are right or wrong As I am custom to saying Different Strokes for Different Folks As Always Steel

CalifChick -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 11:18:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah I know from Experience that I do not care for blow jobs (Sorry Cali) SHADDUP!!! May a pox fall upon your... uhhh... pseudo-domness. Okay, on-topic response: My sigline refers to a conversation that initially I bristled at, but came to understand as he explained further. When he said "self-professed" limits are not the limit of ability, he was saying (and I'm sure I'm paraphrasing badly), that if you have never tried something, you don't know if you can do it, but you can know that you would be uncomfortable doing it. Would I want someone who doesn't know me very well to take me there? Not on your life. Cali

camille65 -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 11:30:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 It's a huge turn on for me when a dom sets the stage. I'm out of there mentally the minute he asks or gives me a choice as to whether or not I want to do something. There are some doms that like to set limits...doesn't make them fake. There are some subs that like to have their limits set by another...doesn't make either party wrong. I totally agree. Once choices are presented to me it is like the 'off switch' has been hit inside of me. I do not want to be the one to set or control things, it makes me uncomfortable and totally changes the way I feel towards a dominant.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 11:36:16 AM)
I have always found it more important to click with a person and find a vanilla connection. We end up talking about BDSM in conversations that are natural and a part of learning about their history with it and you talk about yours. Of course, I let them eventually know my physical limitations. They dont set my limits. However, I do choose Dominants by integrity and trust. Someone that I dont need a safeword with because if I say "too much or stop," they listen to me, regardless of if I have given them a set limit or used terms like "red".

MontrealPhoenix -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 2:33:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster quote: ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix I came across the profile of a dom who believes that a subbie's limits should be left up to him as he has many years of experience and would be able to discern what her limits actually are. Now to me that's a bunch of BS because how can someone i've just met possibly know what my limits are/aren't? Would you say this guy is for real and just too confident or a fake? Phoenix I've been in the "lifestyle" for so long I mentored deSade. [8D] Now THAT impresses me! whispers sooo what was he like? [;)] Phoenix

MontrealPhoenix -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 2:41:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah I see limits as being an experiencary concept. I know from Experience that I do not care for blow jobs (Sorry Cali) I know this because I have recieved many and every time it never reached the hype, so I tend not to even want them as there is a Giant List of things I do like and would like INSTEAD of a blow job, however I know that if the only thing the person is willing to give is a Blow Job and I am wanting contact I can live through it. This applies to a Light Limit, something that I really don't care for but am willing to do if it is the only option. Someone meeting me might disagree wih this limit and I might be willing to let them see if they can illisit a different response. I do not Bottom, I find that my distaste for this activity is beyond average and boarders on the kind of feelings that take me to a place that is not safe for me. This applies to a Hard Limit I am not willing to to do this activity EVER and I will not allow someone to step on or intrude in on this limit of mine. I see limits just this way. I have NO IDEA how someone is going to react to something or WHY someone reacts to something poorly so I take into account thier feelings and let them decide what is a limit and what is not. But there are people out there who want a person who will objectify them and take responsibility for even these things and I cannot say that they are any more or any less Dominant or are right or wrong As I am custom to saying Different Strokes for Different Folks As Always Steel Geez, Steel you are a wise, wise man. My concern with a dom saying no limits or beat it is the subbie who has been raped and for whom forced sex - or forced anything for that matter - would be traumatic. I would think that a dom would want to know about that sort of limit beforehand. After all, our credo is Safe, Sane, Concentual, is it not? Phoenix

MontrealPhoenix -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 2:46:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evility quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I am with Leatherist on this one. I don't negotiate, you either want to submit to me or you don't, that goes for relationships or casual play. And count me along with Leatherist and SimplyMichael. Phoenix... you need to get out more. Not everyone does everything your way. There really are D/s relationships out there where the tail does not wag the dog. was it really necessary to take shots at me? At no time did i say i want to control the relationship. All i'm saying is that it would be nice to let a potential dom know about scenes that might hurt me physically and emotionally beforehand. Actually i have almost no limits at all, BUT i do have physical limitations which could result in serious injury and i am responsible to mention them ahead of time. Phoenix

MontrealPhoenix -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 2:50:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 I have always found it more important to click with a person and find a vanilla connection. We end up talking about BDSM in conversations that are natural and a part of learning about their history with it and you talk about yours. Of course, I let them eventually know my physical limitations. They dont set my limits. However, I do choose Dominants by integrity and trust. Someone that I dont need a safeword with because if I say "too much or stop," they listen to me, regardless of if I have given them a set limit or used terms like "red". I'm with you on this one, luscious. I need to get to know a dom before playing with him. The one time i didn't i regretted it as he turned out to be disrespectful and wouldn't stop when i asked him to. I don't necessarily need a safe word per se but i DO need to know he will stop if i can't handle what we're doing. Phoenix

SteelofUtah -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 3:19:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix After all, our credo is Safe, Sane, Concentual, is it not? Phoenix Not Mine actually. The closest I subscribe to is RACK (Rick Aware Consentual Kink) but even then that isn't all together accurate. I made up my own Acronym to express the way I go about Kink and Limits. KWYADACTGDB It Stands for "Know what you are doing, and Close the God Damned Blinds" SSC and RACK are far from the important things to consider when dealing with Kink , Mine allows for both parties to live in that particular moment and live with the consequences. As with everything "I reject your reality and substitute my own." Steel

MontrealPhoenix -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 3:28:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah quote: ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix After all, our credo is Safe, Sane, Concentual, is it not? Phoenix Not Mine actually. The closest I subscribe to is RACK (Rick Aware Consentual Kink) but even then that isn't all together accurate. I made up my own Acronym to express the way I go about Kink and Limits. KWYADACTGDB It Stands for "Know what you are doing, and Close the God Damned Blinds" SSC and RACK are far from the important things to consider when dealing with Kink , Mine allows for both parties to live in that particular moment and live with the consequences. As with everything "I reject your reality and substitute my own." Steel sigh I HAVE no reality to call my own so yours is fine. I don't care which way it's put, the bottom line is that i want to feel safe with the dom i'm playing with...and heard when it comes to scenes which might injure me physically or mentally. So long as the dom will stop when things are going to far i'm not bothered. Cool anacronym, must be hard to remember though...[:D] Phoenix

ownedgirlie -> RE: Pseudo-Dom or not? (3/18/2008 6:52:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix After all, our credo is Safe, Sane, Concentual, is it not? Phoenix No. My credo is "Obey my Master." And while we did not discuss limits right off the bat, I knew upon becoming his that I would not have limits of my own to claim. I also knew upon becoming his that he knew my entire history and how it effected me, and as such, I trusted him to do the right thing by me...else I would not have become his. But I don't live by acronyms or mottos. Not knocking those who do, just saying it does not apply to all.

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