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Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 8:22:26 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
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I have one friend who knows quite a bit about me, more then most people. At the beginning of this year she began dating a man who also took quite an interest in my life. It seemed like voyeurism for the most part. Two weeks ago or so he told my friend that he loved her and she reciprocated.

After that day he began to put stipulations or rules on some of her actions around him and rules for contact. And the relationship has been on rocky ground lately. Off the hip in an IM last night I said something about those rules seeming to resemble an attempt at power exchange. Well you could almost see the light bulb over her head and now she is fairly convinced that his interest in me was more then voyeristic, the he wants to emulate some aspects of my chosen path.

I don't know this guy except what she relays to me and I have some misgivings that if indeed he likes the idea of dominating that it comes from a lack of control in the majority of his life. I'm also a bit concerned that my friend is grabbing this idea more because she'd rather not loose the boyfriend then because it's a path she'd take independently.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has expereinced friends who've emulated them and if you've had misgivings and did you educate or try to disuade them or just watch what you think might be a good train wreck?

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

Post #: 1

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 8:31:28 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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It may have nothing to do with you or your lifestyle. Some men feel stronger by asserting dominance, including who their "women" can talk to. When I was married I had a woman friend over one time and our children were playing together. My husband was so angry that I would spend time with anyone but him that he went out and mowed down all of my flowers and tomato plants. She was a counselor for drug and alcohol abuse, and had men there that had done time for rape and murder. These men with violent pasts said that they had never heard of anything so violent as him mowing down my plants simply for having a friend over.

You can voice your concerns, but if she is getting some type of fulfillment out of the relationship chances are that she won't listen. Some women enjoy the almost jealous attention, feeling that it means that the man must care for her deeply.

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Post #: 2

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 8:36:27 AM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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yeah, I had that thought too, that it's just a coincidence. Except that I've had enough conversations with her to know that he asks alot of questions about my relationship. When they've expiremented with kinkier sex he's made comments that he'd love to be a fly on the wall when she tells me about it and wonders what my reactions are.

In my younger years I also dated men who acted somewhat similar to your ex, I wouldn't consider them dominant though; jealous, control freaks, yes vehemently yes.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 3

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 8:37:08 AM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
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The only advice I give when someone wants to talk to a freind regarding their relationship is the following:

Did they ask for advice? If yes, tell them what you think, at first be as diplomatic as you can and be supporitve

If they have not asked for help or advice only interfere if you think they really are in danger of being hurt mentally, physically, psychologically etc.

When involving yourself in someone elses relationship either by invitation or not, be prepared to accept the loss of that freindship going in. Alot of people do not want to see or hear the truth as you see it.

_____________________________

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(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 4

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 8:43:12 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
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i think it all depends on how good a friend this is to you .if your close i would tell her to RUN , just from your descriptive she may be doin things as not to loose him and that is never a good idea , OOooh i shall let you tie me to the train tracks i do not want you to break up with me , btw what time does the train come " i do not know i forgot my watch " oooh i am sure its fine ..

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 5

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 8:46:01 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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His fascination with you might stem from the fact that you are the only other person he knows of that doesnt think what he likes is crazy, as well. He might have had these inclination well before he met either of you, and hearing that you have a relationship like that and that she might be open to it has sparked curiousity.
My exhusband thinks he might want to be a Dominant becasue he wants to spank someone and see if it excites him. He doesnt understand that there is more to domination than that. That is his atempt at emulating me and my chosen relationships, as he sees them. It sounds more like this guy your friend is with is testing out a desire he had now that he ight be in an accepting and even an appreciative relationship, rather than trying to copy what you already have.
If you arent sure if she is trying to emulate you, or trying nt to let go of him by doing something out of character, ask her about it. ASk her if she actualy wants a power exchange type relationship, or if its something she is just humoring. If she knows you well enough to know your lifestyle, the advice shouldnt be taken badly. If she does really want it, make sure she knows what she is getting into. If she doesnt, make sure she understsnds she will hve to cut it off before he thinks thats where its headed.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 6

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 8:56:30 AM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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Thank you DV, that was a perspective I hadn't thought of at all. You may be right.

She didn't know much about power exchange until we talked about it last night and to be honest she was processing but vocalizing her boundries ie"well, fine, if he wants to make up the rules, he can, but I'm still going to be in control of XYZ no matter what he says"

This is a rather sudden turn of events so I think we are all still marinating in the theory.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 7

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 9:01:00 AM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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I can't tell you just how hot Snidley Whiplash made me.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to azropedntied)

Post #: 8

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 9:02:21 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG
I guess I'm wondering if anyone has expereinced friends who've emulated them and if you've had misgivings and did you educate or try to disuade them or just watch what you think might be a good train wreck?

Oh my god, yes. It was 1980...I got a perm. Next thing you know my friends and I look like we're in a metal band...talk about a train wreck! With pics so we never forget...

On a serious note, doesn't it kinda creep you out that they talk about what you do and that he'd like to see your reaction to hearing what they do? And you don't know him?

I would likely stop telling her my sexual and/or D/s experiences. (Is this the same chick who was outing you before?) Ugh.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 9

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 9:12:24 AM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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yes it creeps me out and between that post (which I did bring up with her) and last night we've not spoken of our sexual exploits at all (and to reiderate for those that didn't read that post, I never did talk about my sex life, she basically projected what she thought she knew about WIITWD, based on Beauty by Anne Rice of course, and applied it to me).

It was nice to have someone to talk to openly until he came into the picture. Seeing as how I'm moving in a few months anyway, I've kind of decided to let the friendship die a natural death.

But I am still the person she comes to for her psychology sessions and I still do care enough about her to not want to see her getting into something that will make her more miserable then she already is.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 10

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 9:13:30 AM

daddyncherry

Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

His fascination with you might stem from the fact that you are the only other person he knows of that doesnt think what he likes is crazy, as well. He might have had these inclination well before he met either of you, and hearing that you have a relationship like that and that she might be open to it has sparked curiousity.
My exhusband thinks he might want to be a Dominant becasue he wants to spank someone and see if it excites him. He doesnt understand that there is more to domination than that. That is his atempt at emulating me and my chosen relationships, as he sees them. It sounds more like this guy your friend is with is testing out a desire he had now that he ight be in an accepting and even an appreciative relationship, rather than trying to copy what you already have.
If you arent sure if she is trying to emulate you, or trying nt to let go of him by doing something out of character, ask her about it. ASk her if she actualy wants a power exchange type relationship, or if its something she is just humoring. If she knows you well enough to know your lifestyle, the advice shouldnt be taken badly. If she does really want it, make sure she knows what she is getting into. If she doesnt, make sure she understsnds she will hve to cut it off before he thinks thats where its headed.

DV

DV, you took the words right outta my mouth or mind, or out of my fingers....that is exactly what i was thinking....maybe he looks at Omega as a "safe place" and her friend, being open to Omega, may be open to his desires as well.

_____________________________

Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 11

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 9:17:47 AM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

Sometimes being a friend means not telling them TOO much about our self ...... at this point all you can do is be supportive and offer advice if she asks .. ... ..........at least in my opinion......its a difficult place to be in

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Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 12

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 9:21:10 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I've watched some of my dominant friends play "the sub card" in an attempt to keep a man, talk about a huge train wreck! If I were you I would have a friendly chat and just tell her Look be yourself don't try to be something that you aren't because you won't keep him that way and you will be miserable.

It sounds like this guy is going after a fantasy, if not, why wouldn't he be out looking for a sub of his own instead of trying to make one out of your friend? Unless perhaps he see's something in her that no one else does? Its hard to say. If she were my friend we'd have a nice long chat. It sounds like she may need to do some inner reflection about who she is and where she wants to go in life.

good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 13

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 9:54:35 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I have a friend who likes to try to emulate me but it seems her bf only wants a bedroom sub. I have educated her on the lifestyle and i really don't think it is for her but she is deterimined to try to live it.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 14

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 11:49:46 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

The train wreck is going to happen. Take your broom and dustpan and wait at the end of the track.

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 15

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 12:10:32 PM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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blah, I hate cleaning.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 16

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 1:56:26 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I think most of us have had a friend head into what we think will be a train wreck regardless of how they're getting there. In the end, all we can do is to tell them what we think is going to happen, then let them decide how to play it out. We could be wrong. But, if we're right, most people appreciate that we're there to support rather than say, "I told you so."

For me, the question I'd ask myself is how much would I help my friend along that path, even though I don't think it's her. Sometimes, pursuing what's NOT us is as valuabel as pursuing what is. I'd probably be very supportive...give her information, advice and such. I'd want her to succeed in what she's choosing to do or, if she fails, have it not be for lack of trying. I'd want her to go about it with real, honest information and not try to work in some fantasy world.

What I wouldn't do is to keep supporting her if she kept heading down the same road over and over. After a while, I'll feel like my feelings and caring is being dismissed and that damages me. At some point along that road, I'd have to conclude that not only is she toxic for herself, she's toxic for me, too.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 17

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 4:55:47 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I think unless you're going to be able to have close physical regular contact with them, I'd keep things pretty cool in terms of giving info and just encourage her to talk openly together about what they feel and where they want to go.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 18

RE: Opening a can of worms - 3/18/2008 5:12:04 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I get the feeling that he is somewhat dominant but inexperienced and is assuming from her telling him about you, that she's a closet submissive. This is likely to blow up in their faces if they don't stop assuming and start talking. I wouldn't interfere except to suggest that she stop sharing your personal life with him because you didn't consent to it, and that next time he does it, she should look him in the eye and ask him what's with him ordering her around all the time.

But she really needs to get some healthy boundaries. First, it's just wrong to tell everybody she meets all about your sex life without asking you first. And two, she needs to decide if she likes being ordered around or not, and in what ways and then tell him out straight. Because if she's just getting irritated but not talking straight to him, then he may assume she's angling for a take down scene. The word no really isn't that hard to say, tell her to start using it.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

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