stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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I'm going to come in here on a rather more positive and hopefully optimistic note. It can change.
I've dealt with this on a personal level - referring to my own very short marriage which was basically a collision of my former wife's drinking problems and my own gender issues. It's gone eight years since the divorce, she's a happily married woman with two lovely children and no problems with drink When we were married three litres of grain vodka a day wasn't uncommon. This explains the gap in my artistic work - one production and one play written, an experience of death, a long battle with illness, and so many days spent in an alcoholic stupor or fighting the effects of a hangover.
I work with such people as alcohol and drug abusers in theatre workshops, there's a specific method and approach which so far has been very effective and I would be happy to share with the OP the details of that method.
Yes the substance is stronger, but that is only because the person is weaker and it is nothing more than human weakness which enslaves that person to the bottle or syringe. Addictions are very real, that power of alcohol or whatever is found in hard drugs such as crack or heroin is real power. The only person who has the power to overcome their addiction is the person themselves. If you were to ask them, the person will talk openly about that power which the bottle or needle has over them, and placing any emphasis or focus on the fact that their addiction is a problem usually defeats the purpose. They know it is a problem, and they are inclined to get very defensive when it is pointed out to them.
This isn't an easy situation to be in, neither for you nor for her. I can relate to this very well. In the theatre I have a brilliant administrator, let's call her Margaret (not her real name), who I've worked with before on the start of the project. Nobody can get funding or support like Margaret, she's totally dedicated, hardworking, super efficient, but... she's got a drink problem. I've witnessed the break down of her relationships (two), the loss of her job, almost all her friends, and last November had to let go myself. I made it perfectly clear I'm her friend, not her bottle's friend, and to be in theatre, where she still has a place, she has got to be 'on the ball'. The only place in theatre for people with drink and drug issues is the exit.
There's also Tommy (not his real name) who was in the original project. Tommy is 44, already lost two homes, 20 or so years fighting with the bottle, but you know he's a brilliant artist, cartoonist, and brilliant at writing comedy. I gave him a role in the original cast, he quit the drink, found the Church, became a born again Christian. During rehearsals he would sit in the corner, reading the Bible, praying for everyone. The hostel threatened him with eviction over charges he hadn't paid, he threatened suicide. I was one of two people who gained entry to his room to find him standing by the window, Stanley knife to his neck, doing nothing but listening intently, choosing our words carefully, with outstretched hands waiting for that Stanley knife. A month later the hostel evicted him out onto the streets. I and a few others would pay good money to find Tommy. If I ever do he's got my bedroom to sleep in.
You know, maybe it's because I myself knows what it feels like. I can't say I've ever had a drink problem, I've never taken drugs. Never want to. I'm a transgendered female, and all I ever wanted was to be myself. Many people would walk away. Most have. For some who I am isn't important, they just see that I am transgendered, this is the most important thing, not who I am as a person.
Isn't this the same as the alcoholic? This is what happens, the drink problem takes over and becomes far more important than the person themselves. They become labelled, stereotyped, people turn away, don't want to know. She has a problem, it's her problem, but in the eyes of others she becomes the problem. Even those close, friends and family forget who the person was, all they see is what the person has become, the problem.
The OP is not in an easy situation, and I write this being relieved I'm not the one standing in his shoes right now for all what I have to deal with and face in life. For sure yes, you can walk away, it will be hard, but it will be much easier than staying. You cannot blame people for walking away, turning away, not being there, they have their own lives, their own issues to deal with.
But this isn't about blame. Statements such as 'she's only got herself to blame for getting herself into this situation' are not helpful, not helpful at all. It doesn't help the situation one bit, and besides, she herself is very much aware of who's fault it is. She doesn't need any reminders.
You know it takes an awful amount of courage and strength to help someone in this situation, an awful amount of courage and strength, and a lot of people just feel that they don't have that amount of strength and courage to offer someone. Often also there's just not the circumstances or opportunities available, they too have to be created if you are going to help someone battling with a drink or drugs issue.
You are competing on an uneven surface. Alcohol is her best friend, because it never judges her, it's reliable, and it's effective at making her feel better. This is true of anyone with a drink problem.
There's only one way to beat an addiction, and that is to replace it with something better. You need to find that motivation which causes her to reach for the bottle and to direct that motivation elsewhere. We have that relacement here in the theatre, it's not a secret, nor is it a miracle, it's that need everyone has for recognition, for acknowledgement, for acceptance, for that 'fifteen minutes of fame and notoriety'. It's that promise we can make to someone that we can take them as they are, whoever they are, get to know them, discover what they can do, their talents, skills, experience, knowledge, and put them out there on the stage in front of other people to show them that they can do something which brings happiness and entertainment to other people. I stand among these people in a circle, and I tell them to look at me, and I walk up to them, and I ask them to step forward if they feel they are less acceptable to society than me. So far nobody has ever stepped forward.
No amount of alcohol can ever erase the fact that you are a human, that you are a person. The simple fact that you reach for that bottle is proof that you are human, for weakness is a part of being someone. We are all weak, and when you stop and think of it, we are all deprived in some way. We all suffer as a result of someone's prejudice. We all screw up.
I would strongly recommend to the OP a book entitled What Do You Say After You Say Hello? by Dr. Eric Berne who founded what is known as Transactional Analysis. The book is about psychoanalysis, written on the assumption that we are all living our lives according to a specific type of script and that we have three states within ourselves known as Parent, Adult and Child, which is basically a revision of Freud's ego, superego and id. The idea here is that we can change and rewrite the script on which our life is based whenever and however which way we want to.
It's entirely possible that your friend can overcome her addiction, just as it's entirely possible that you can be the one to help her, but what you need to do is to find out what motivates your friend to reach for the bottle and to understand it. Addictions don't just happen, but are developed over a period of time, and are actually quite a lengthy process. Therefore the recovery from an addiction is also developed over a period of time, and is also a lengthy process. She needs I feel what is known as 'tough love', a very firm but non-confrontational approach, a lot of security or a stable, secure environment, and a lot of support, ideally in a support network centred around something new which motivates her to do something other than reach for the bottle.
It's not easy because there are no guarantees. This is the reality you have to accept and live with. It could take weeks, months even years to get over, and then when you get over it there is never any guarantee that it won't come back. All it takes is one moment, one drink, one lie, a time of forgetfulness. Sometimes counselling doesn't work, nothing else works except for a secure institution and and a much more intensive program of therapy.
I somehow feel that the key is inspiration and empowerment of the person concerned. You are dealing with their will, only they can decide if they want to overcome their addiction or not, and you somehow have to come up with something stronger than alcohol to inspire them to want to overcome their addiction.
Then even when you are both winning the addiction and overcoming it, there is also the guilt and the shame that comes afterwards. The feeling that they have let other people down, that they have been stupid, and this is where this person needs support from other people, enough to say 'it doesn't matter', 'it's okay'. This is also important, as this guilt and shame can require a certain amount of courage and strength to face up to, it can undermine feelings of self-worth, self-confidence and push the person back towards the bottle.
I feel you somehow have to separate the person from the bottle. In the workshops I tell the participants that I cannot do anything else than be there for them, and that it is they themselves who have to find whatever it is they need to replace their addictions. They walked in through the door, and they can just as easily walk out of it. They are welcome any time as long as they are not accompanied by alcohol. I'm not going to stop them going off and buying alcohol and sitting with their alcoholic friends if that is what they really want and feel they need. But if they do decide that is what they want, well they can leave the text on the table by the door and say goodbye to everyone before they leave. The rest of us will just carry on without them, minus the labels and stereotypes. So far in most cases it works.
It's also worth bearing in mind that many people with drink problems are very strong, often talented, gifted people who are being weak. Indeed, my experiences with the entertainment industry in Poland have led me to believe that if it wasn't for vodka the Polish film industry would never be able to get a film together. Most alcoholics have been someone, almost all have an amazing story to tell about their lives, some can even do some amazing things. The inner strength of the person who has the drink problem is usually the biggest resource they have against their addiction.
I keep in touch with Margaret, mainly to let her know that everything is still going to be there when she does finally make it. The search for Tommy is passive, but is now just over 18 months. Both have a place open there for them, but they are the ones who have to really want the place.
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