RE: Walking the rope

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wisteriaV -> RE: Walking the rope (3/24/2008 4:44:35 AM)
Playing devils advocate here for a minute. If Barb can see she was in an abusive relationship and was strong enough to get herself out of it, then reach out to for help and J stepped into the picture, then maybe Barb needs time to heal from the past abusive relationship and needs some sort of therapy, which is why shes leaning on the Op. Instead of "doing it for her" maybe assuring her that she is doing fine and she can do things without second guessing herself because she isnt in the abusive relationship anymore will help over time.

Padriag -> RE: Walking the rope (3/24/2008 5:50:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven So, back to the original question...Where do you draw the line? and maybe how to do it tactfully cause I don't want to be mean but I'm seriously close to snapping and saying something I'll forever regret. Cause the fact is Barb is a grown woman, life sometimes sucks canal water...SUCK IT UP!!! Two thoughts... First, sounds like you already know where the lines need to be drawn. You're doing your best to manage a difficult and at times impossible situation. That's bound to result in some frustration and anger at times. I say draw the line where you need to in order to see to it J is taken care of, that you aren't over burdened, and that Barb or whoever else is doing their fair share. Other people you can only encourage, if they won't do what needs to be done... you'll have to cope with that the best you are able. Sorry, but there just aren't any easy answers here... but then I think you already know that. I do wish you the best with it. My second thought... I'd count myself very lucky to have someone like you as a slave. That was very much meant as a sincere compliment.

littlebitxxx -> RE: Walking the rope (3/24/2008 6:19:42 AM)
OP, I have no answers for you but lots of hugs of support. My mom is taking care of Dad at home in end-stage Alzheimer's and refuses to give him up. My God what that woman has gone through and continues with every day. You, like she, has all my admiration and respect for your position. With no answers, how about some questions? Is it possible you could: Have respite care come in once or twice a week, usually covered by insurance somehow? Talk with Barb and tell her just how tired you are, and tired of doing everything? That you are there to help with J not be her nurse too? Clarification: she whines and complains but still gets the job done? Can you split up the chores to where hers are done while you're at school so you don't have to hear (pun not intended) the whining? Handling the tough stuff, the outsiders and do-gooders and nay-sayers may just have to be your forte for the time being where Barb can't stand up to them. But she can do other stuff to take a load off you, like the chores around the house. Have a heart-to-heart with her and ask just how is she going to cope when J dies? Or are you expected to stay around and be her new Domme? By getting some independent thinking going, and planning, may help her stand up a little straighter now. Can you take a week or so off, leave the area or not just leave the house....almost forcing her to stand on her own for a bit? I forget if you said you were living there or not...if you're not, can you just stay away? Talk it over with J first of course so he knows what's going on. But sounds like Barb needs a shock to the system. Probably not helpful but maybe, hopefully, directed your thoughts toward a solution. An ear and a shoulder here should you ever need one. And hugs to ya!

LaTigresse -> RE: Walking the rope (3/24/2008 7:25:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag My second thought... I'd count myself very lucky to have someone like you as a slave. That was very much meant as a sincere compliment. A wonderful compliment indeed, given the source. Something I have been thinking since I first began to read this girls posts.

OnlyMels -> RE: Walking the rope (3/24/2008 7:49:35 AM)
I think you are very strong for doing what you are doing as for barb just let her know that you need her to step up and take care of herself your not her mother. Also for the domme in this sistuation I think bdsm kinda went out the window and all thats important is taking care of J. I mean this isn't a game its not play time it real life. And someone saying your bottoming from the top is just not respecting the situation.

LilMissHaven -> RE: Walking the rope (3/25/2008 3:46:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet quote: There are many that see how I and J's current slave care for J as a way of topping from the bottom. And in a perfect world I suppose that would be true. We assist J's son in looking after his business affairs, the running of his house and his basic daily acts of living from when he bathes to what he eats, the making and keeping of doctor appointments, etc. But, this world is far from perfect and J is dying, the cancer and pain meds eating away at a once brilliant mind. He is not able to make these decisions himself. I just wanted to say, in days of actual slavery there were slaves that took care of all their master and mistresses affairs for them. Thomas Jefferson, for example, went away for long periods of time and his slaves kept his place going for him. I find this view that because you both are taking care of him that this is somehow topping from the bottom, I find it ridiculous actually julia PS, I send warm thoughts to you in your rough situation Excellant point and one I would be wise to remember for future dealings with this particular woman. Thank you.

travelgman -> RE: Walking the rope (3/25/2008 9:47:08 AM)
I just want to add my voice to the ones who have complimented you on your handling of this situation. Taking care of a dying partner is never easy. I have seen friends of mine go through this. You are a strong girl who would do any Dom proud as your J would surely tell you if he could. Concentrate on yourself, Barb and J. The rest of those fools are not worth your time and energy. I may have missed it but I did not see anyone mentioning some natural emotions you should be prepared to deal with as well. Anger at your J. Both my friends who have had to deal with dying partners have said that this was one of the hardest things for them to deal with as things went on. Anger at their partner for leaving them and for having to give up their lives to take care of them. And the subsequent guilt from having these thoughts and emotions. They loved their partners and would not have let anyone else take care of them in their place. But they like you are human. And anger at anyone- even those we care for- who causes such discomfort in our life's is perfectly natural. So if you ever feel this way. Understand it does not take away from the love and care you obviously have for your Dom. It is just human nature. Wishing you all the best.

LilMissHaven -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 5:46:37 AM)
To everyone who has posted a reply, I have tried several times to come back to this thread and reply to each of you individually but the truth is I can't, I don't know what to say other then thank you for your thoughts and insights. I think I've had a nervous break down of sorts. After a recent fight with J and his son I just don't want to go home, to be so accessable so I've been staying with a friend. Everyone knows I'm safe but they also know I'm not returning anytime soon nor do they know where I am other then a contact number and I like it this way. I've been using this time to set clear boundaries where J's and my relationship is concerned. I've never been one of those girls who cared about what the majority thought, I only concerned myself with what J has thought of myself and behaviors. Well, lately I don't even care about that and I find myself becoming increasingly angry to the point of striking back when he smacks me or starts verbally abusing me. With all the role changes within the house, upset J's bouts of confusion cause and the fact that I sometimes think he hates me because I'm not the one dying. I'm not abondoning him to die alone, I'm just making some changes in how accessable I'm going to make myself to him, what I'm going to tolerate mentally and emotionally, etc. I think I'm also going to delete my profile here or at least hide it. Right now I don't feel very submissive and find myself increasingly agitated by the emails I get. And I just don't want another person getting that close to me, having that much power over me. I'm ok just a little tired of it all and have decided when J passes to go home to Alaska get to know my family again, take a year off from school and get to know me again. I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you but if I knew how I'd close this thread. Haven

Semos -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 6:21:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven Here's a question. Barb is undoubtedly a fighter only she can't see it in herself. Do you think you can help someone see their strengths? Most definitely! I did just that recently with a lady 12 years my senior and it took two years, but the reward in seeing where she is today was worth everyday. That being said, I'm really concerned for you as a human being outside the "Lifestyle", in that it seems to be costing you a great deal emotionally. I'm pretty sure "J" is seeing his life in different terms right now and probably doesn't really care if he's being topped or not. In the face of death, emotions can really run amok. Understandably, the three of you either directly or indirectly have a strong emotional attachment to this situation and these kind of realities can just turn you inside out. I too have had such catastrophes, but I'm at the point that at the end of the day I look after myself first, because if I'm not sound I'm sure not any good to anyone that might depend on me. To drown because it's inevitable is one thing, but just for drowning sake itself, doesn't make much sense. One thing that is definitely in your favor, you are reaching out and this thread is a prime example of just how many compassionate and caring people there are. Whom is going to come along a just give you that single sentence that is going to make a difference, unknown, but I do believe it won't come if you don't stretch out your hand. Best of luck to you.

LilMissHaven -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 7:01:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Semos quote: ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven Here's a question. Barb is undoubtedly a fighter only she can't see it in herself. Do you think you can help someone see their strengths? Most definitely! I did just that recently with a lady 12 years my senior and it took two years, but the reward in seeing where she is today was worth everyday. The last two days I've seen a different Barb...maybe I just didn't give her a chance to step up to the plate. I've been known for trying to conquere problems before they even occur. But, the last two days she's known exactly where I am and hasn't told anyone because she knows I need the space right now, she's only asked if I was ok and didn't try to pry into things I just don't want to talk about right now. That being said, I'm really concerned for you as a human being outside the "Lifestyle", in that it seems to be costing you a great deal emotionally. This lifestyle, this world isn't going to miss one girl. Once I get my feet back under me I'll be back to conquering the world...just taking a break right now. I don't understand why people get so worried when someone says "you know I want a little me time right now" I'm just at the moment more afraid of being with someone then being alone. I'm pretty sure "J" is seeing his life in different terms right now and probably doesn't really care if he's being topped or not. I wouldn't bet my last dollar on that. In the face of death, emotions can really run amok. Understandably, the three of you either directly or indirectly have a strong emotional attachment to this situation and these kind of realities can just turn you inside out. I too have had such catastrophes, but I'm at the point that at the end of the day I look after myself first, because if I'm not sound I'm sure not any good to anyone that might depend on me. To drown because it's inevitable is one thing, but just for drowning sake itself, doesn't make much sense. I like your last statement and its fitting because lately I feel as though I'm fish trying to breath out of water. One thing that is definitely in your favor, you are reaching out and this thread is a prime example of just how many compassionate and caring people there are. Whom is going to come along a just give you that single sentence that is going to make a difference, unknown, but I do believe it won't come if you don't stretch out your hand. The problem with reaching out and we've all seen and maybe participated in it on this board is when does reaching out become a time consuming boohoo cycle? I just wish I could sometimes be more honest with my feelings without worrying about how unsubmissive it makes me look. But, death brings about a host of emotions and some of them are so horrible you can't even voice them. People don't understand because we don't want to understand or maybe its because I lack the vocabulary to get myself across. But, it all comes down to right now I hate the man I love. And I want someone to understand me lol Best of luck to you.

domahpet -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 7:21:51 AM)
i wouldnt worry about coming off as a mean person right now. that just sounds like your putting up a few (hopefully temporary) walls to protect yourself. from your fist post, it actually sounds like your doing ok, all things considered. as for ousiders, if you can get the son to help back you on that it might help alot. as for barb, give her a list if its needed, and make sure she knows you need some time for yourself. who knows? you may wind up becoming issters after all this. im inspired by you, i wish i was able to be of such service when my first dom became ill. blessings and hugs to you.

mastervalentine -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 10:40:57 AM)
I wish there were some kind of advice, some pretty words or a philosophy I could give you that would make things better. I have none of that, for all that I would give to find it. Simple fact is I've never been where you are. I don't know how I'd handle it, but I'd take a guess and say regardless of what I actually did, I'd feel completely lost. That you are being so very strong in all of this is... awe inspiring. I will say... that it is not the place of others to judge your heart, or the actions you follow in this situation. Do what you think is right, and have faith in yourself. As for the nay-sayers, they will always exist, and they will never be satisfied. When they really get under your skin, just remember; They are people who can never be happy, take pity on them and try not to be too harsh. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Will

LaTigresse -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 10:55:48 AM)
LMH, what it really all comes down to is, you've got to take care of yourself first. You've been so deadset on taking care of J that you haven't given any thought to yourself. Yesssss, I know I know!! In the perfect M/s world it's not supposed to be about you. The slave/submissive is supposed to give their all for their master or mistress. Nice story. Well guess what, you cannot do anything worth a shit for anyone else if you are not making something, somehow, all about, what is healthy for you. Ideally a master or mistress will be able to reciprocate in their caring for their slave's and submissive's needs. If that master or mistress is unable to care for you, then it's just going to fall back on you to do whats best. Only you know what your limits are, and what you need. There is no way you should feel guilty for doing what is right for you.

LilMissHaven -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 12:06:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domahpet i wouldnt worry about coming off as a mean person right now. that just sounds like your putting up a few (hopefully temporary) walls to protect yourself. from your fist post, it actually sounds like your doing ok, all things considered. as for ousiders, if you can get the son to help back you on that it might help alot. as for barb, give her a list if its needed, and make sure she knows you need some time for yourself. who knows? you may wind up becoming issters after all this. im inspired by you, i wish i was able to be of such service when my first dom became ill. blessings and hugs to you. From some of your postings around the board I get the feeling that you understand more then most whats going on. Its a comforting feeling to know someone else has been here too. I know I worry too much about being nice, its one of my fatal flaws. So, how do you stand up for yourself without doing harm? Thats the unanswerable question of the day. As for putting up barriers...probably the most accurate description. People seem to have a hard time understanding that I honestly don't feel anything inside right now and I have a feeling that numbness is going to come crashing down around me when J passes and any relationship I try to build until I've dealt with that is doomed to fail. I know I don't have all the answers but my gut instinct tells me to stay the course no matter who I piss off. As far as Barb and I becoming sisters while I love the shit out of that girl I have a feeling both of us living under the same roof would prove to be a disaster. lol I've enjoyed reading your posts on a wide range of topics here on the board. Thank you. Haven

LilMissHaven -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 12:08:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mastervalentine I wish there were some kind of advice, some pretty words or a philosophy I could give you that would make things better. I have none of that, for all that I would give to find it. Simple fact is I've never been where you are. I don't know how I'd handle it, but I'd take a guess and say regardless of what I actually did, I'd feel completely lost. That you are being so very strong in all of this is... awe inspiring. I will say... that it is not the place of others to judge your heart, or the actions you follow in this situation. Do what you think is right, and have faith in yourself. As for the nay-sayers, they will always exist, and they will never be satisfied. When they really get under your skin, just remember; They are people who can never be happy, take pity on them and try not to be too harsh. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Will Thank you, I think the reason so many have a hard time coming up with advice or condolances is because there is no right thing to say. I wouldn't even know what to say to someone standing in my shoes. Sometimes a hug says it all. Haven

LilMissHaven -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 12:10:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse LMH, what it really all comes down to is, you've got to take care of yourself first. You've been so deadset on taking care of J that you haven't given any thought to yourself. Yesssss, I know I know!! In the perfect M/s world it's not supposed to be about you. The slave/submissive is supposed to give their all for their master or mistress. Nice story. Well guess what, you cannot do anything worth a shit for anyone else if you are not making something, somehow, all about, what is healthy for you. Ideally a master or mistress will be able to reciprocate in their caring for their slave's and submissive's needs. If that master or mistress is unable to care for you, then it's just going to fall back on you to do whats best. Only you know what your limits are, and what you need. There is no way you should feel guilty for doing what is right for you. I never know what to say after you post, you have a way of saying it all. All thats left for me to say is I know and I'm trying. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Haven

adoracat -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 12:38:42 PM)
haven....i've been exactly where you are, twice. one of the hardest things to do for me was to remember that i matter too, and that having time for me is important also. when j is gone, you will still be here. planning to take the time to let yourself heal is a good thing, you know what you need better than anyone else does. i spread myself too thin trying to take care of the family i have and the master i was watching die (we have been poly for a long time, my husband is not my dominant) and i held my "me time" to crying in the shower once a day. that was it. your way is probably healthier. [:)] james died in 2004, fallcon passed in 2006. they still live in my heart and in my memories. james i've come to deal with, and i'm still angry at fallcon for not keeping his promise to outlive me. i still cry on occasion. gentle hugs you are a good strong person and you will get through this. be gentle to yourself, you deserve love and care also during this hard time. kitten, off to find tissues...

LilMissHaven -> RE: Walking the rope (3/27/2008 12:55:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: adoracat haven....i've been exactly where you are, twice. one of the hardest things to do for me was to remember that i matter too, and that having time for me is important also. when j is gone, you will still be here. planning to take the time to let yourself heal is a good thing, you know what you need better than anyone else does. i spread myself too thin trying to take care of the family i have and the master i was watching die (we have been poly for a long time, my husband is not my dominant) and i held my "me time" to crying in the shower once a day. that was it. your way is probably healthier. [:)] james died in 2004, fallcon passed in 2006. they still live in my heart and in my memories. james i've come to deal with, and i'm still angry at fallcon for not keeping his promise to outlive me. i still cry on occasion. gentle hugs you are a good strong person and you will get through this. be gentle to yourself, you deserve love and care also during this hard time. kitten, off to find tissues... My shower has become my best friend. I suddenly have this feeling of shame when I start crying and tend to kick my own ass "Suck it up already Haven!!!" I can't tell you enough how grateful I am that you shared your story especially the bouts of anger you still experiance. As a psych major I know enough to know that anger is a natural response but as a person I know enough that it isn't his fault and I should be ashamed of myself for wanting to just grab him and shake him silly and scream "Don't you dare!!!" And then there's the other side of the coin that smiles and says its ok to let go we're all going to be ok. Crap! now I need tissues.

LaTigresse -> RE: Walking the rope (3/28/2008 7:14:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse LMH, what it really all comes down to is, you've got to take care of yourself first. You've been so deadset on taking care of J that you haven't given any thought to yourself. Yesssss, I know I know!! In the perfect M/s world it's not supposed to be about you. The slave/submissive is supposed to give their all for their master or mistress. Nice story. Well guess what, you cannot do anything worth a shit for anyone else if you are not making something, somehow, all about, what is healthy for you. Ideally a master or mistress will be able to reciprocate in their caring for their slave's and submissive's needs. If that master or mistress is unable to care for you, then it's just going to fall back on you to do whats best. Only you know what your limits are, and what you need. There is no way you should feel guilty for doing what is right for you. I never know what to say after you post, you have a way of saying it all. All thats left for me to say is I know and I'm trying. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Haven Haven, don't feel that you must reply to my posts. If you can't, then don't. I won't take it personally. I am just a mom type that cannot quit mothering. I think you are probably a very special young lady with a very special life path.

Padriag -> RE: Walking the rope (3/28/2008 5:00:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven I think I'm also going to delete my profile here or at least hide it. Right now I don't feel very submissive and find myself increasingly agitated by the emails I get. And I just don't want another person getting that close to me, having that much power over me. Which is why I think I'll leave you be. I've this habit of getting inside people's heads, just when they think they're safe behind their walls inside their minds they look over and I'm sitting next to them... smiling. It unnerves people and right now that's about the last thing I think you need. I'd offer some advice or insight, but others have already said most of what I might have. Go do what you need to do, go take time for yourself, go home to Alaska and remember that that's okay... it's okay to put yourself first for awhile. I never really had the chance to get to know you, a pity for me, but so it goes. Thank you just the same, for being you, and for reminding me there are still remarkable women like you out there (simply by being yourself)... that was worth something to me. I wish you all the best, much happiness, and a life well lived.

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