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He's scared to hurt me - 3/19/2008 2:26:08 PM

Torimi

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline

I have a problem, which is really troubling me (and my Dom) for quite a while.
He and me met each other knowing we both were into bdsm. He is sadistic and dominant. I myself am sub.
Now... when we met we fell for each other as persons. Since I do have a rather dominant personality in RL and coudn't make any deep experiences into bdsm yet, I would describe myself as shy beginner, who cant really tell what she wants.

And there lies the problem; He is scared to (mentally) hurt me!
I do tell him that I can take care of myself and trust him and am looking forward to playing with him but still he feels very uncomfortable about this.

Question is: What can I do to give him the confidence he needs?

If you have any thoughts/ experiences/ advice please please tell me *bows*

Post #: 1

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/19/2008 2:29:41 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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Why would he hurt you?

You have to talk about stuff, what you are both interested in, its not like your first play he has to be cutting you up with a razor and branding you with his initialls, just start slowly to see where about you fit. Thats what I did, I started with more kinky nillas and discovered my desires ran a lot deeper. I mean there must be bits that intrigue you and stuff, you can have your safewords for it it feels too much or you really dont like it or whatever.

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Post #: 2

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/19/2008 2:36:22 PM

masamichi

Posts: 25
Joined: 3/16/2007
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my first dom exp was similar to this. i had a friend Dom use me for a weekend to work out a good beginning limit. it allowed me to know what i could take so he could work comfortably knowing i was not in over my head.

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Post #: 3

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/19/2008 2:38:17 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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He is afraid to mentaly hurt you, but not to physicaly do so? Maybe I miss the problem here, but why would mentaly hurting you factor into play if you two have a solid conection outside play?

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(in reply to masamichi)

Post #: 4

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/19/2008 2:46:43 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Have a few sessions that are just to explore your limits. Give lots of feedback. If pain play, with 1 being barely noticable and 10 being over the top, aim to learn where your 6's and 7's are and try to stay there. Have him ask you for the number. Once he learns your limits, and you do as well, he won't be so nervous. And yell red if you have to, he needs to know that you'll stop it if it's too much. He needs to trust you to protect yourself since he doesn't know enough about you yet to do that for you.

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Post #: 5

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/19/2008 3:13:30 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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I think I see this a little differently all together.

I see this as being an issue because he isn't willing to force you or coerse you into being the masochist he wants not knowing what you want.

I personally am just NOT a sadist I don't like hurting people unless they literally get off on it I like extacy not agony. Maybe he is also not as muchg a Sadist as he believed he was this is also possible.

Do you guys talk about this issue? And try to get to the root of why he is afraid?

Steel

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Post #: 6

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/19/2008 4:34:47 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
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I think you'd have to clarify your question a bit to get clear answers. The way I see your question, your "Dom", though he warrants a captial letter and is a self-pronounced sadist, needs you to build up his confidence enough for you two to play?

    Judging by your profile, it appears that maybe you haven't clearly defined what role you really want to play in all this? You have a strong set of wants and demands, and tell prospective Doms that you're not a natural sub.

   If he doesn't believe that BDSM play can be done without really hurting the sub either physically or mentally, then he's got a lot of learning to do before he can call himself anything other than vanilla.

   In my opinion, anyways. Good luck.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 7

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/19/2008 8:45:42 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: katie978

If he doesn't believe that BDSM play can be done without really hurting the sub either physically or mentally, then he's got a lot of learning to do before he can call himself anything other than vanilla.

katie, there's a lot more under the bdsm umbrella than just s & m. There's bondage which does not have to involve pain. There's sensation play, like wax and ice which isn't necessarily painful. There are people who don't do any kink yet are TPE.

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Post #: 8

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/19/2008 8:48:43 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
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Agreed Desfip. I use no pain whatsoever. I still dominate.

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Post #: 9

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/20/2008 4:41:44 AM

katie978

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Joined: 7/21/2007
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That's what I was saying. It's obviously possible to be kinky without hurting anyone. If he doesn't know that, he obviously hasn't been doing his homework.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 10

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/20/2008 4:51:18 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Your question is too vague. Are you saying that he isn't interested in mental sadism? Or are you saying that hurting you is hard for him to get around in his own head? Are you a masochist? Or are you happy to play with no pain involved?

As to the question, you can't 'give' him confidence - he gets that himself. Is he new? I don't think there is enough info here to answer your questions without jumping to assumptions.

the.dark.

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(in reply to Torimi)

Post #: 11

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/20/2008 7:32:50 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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Or is it more of a "I love you" and cannot inflict pain to you????

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Post #: 12

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/20/2008 7:41:43 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

Since I do have a rather dominant personality in RL and coudn't make any deep experiences into bdsm yet, I would describe myself as shy beginner, who cant really tell what she wants.

I think many hear have given good advice for the relatively vague information given.

Let me throw something else out that the words I quoted when I read them.

The truth is we feed each other in these things. We love to promote the dominant as a take charge all knowing but in an individual relationship they are just as inexperience with the individual dynamic that is you two together. You claim to have a dominant personality but are also communicating you are new and do not know what you want.

I am wondering if this is not a classic case of him not wanting to do anything because the feedback he is getting from you probably from coded words or certain body language has him uncomfortable.

Trust is not only something the dominant needs to earn but us as submissive have to earn it as well. May I ask what are you doing to make him feel comfortable that doing some things will be perfectly fine for you and between you two no matter how it really goes since you are inexperienced?

Instead of wanting a romantic version try boring communication. Maybe talk in detail doing something specific in a specific way. Concentrate on making him feel comfortable by conveying excitement to explore and not fear. We feed each other and right now it might be each of you are not really offer up any food.

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(in reply to Torimi)

Post #: 13

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/20/2008 9:05:53 AM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

I don't know if this helps but....I entered a relationship with someone who had physical sadism on his limit list. Being brought up never to hit a woman, never be physical, hitting is bad, hitting is abuse...you know the story. And I am a masochist pain slut. My man really had to get into a headspace the first time we played. He did what he considered a typical sensation session but tried to put some oomph into it, causing pain. When he saw how much I loved it he added some more. It took him awhile to get his head around the fact that his "hurting" me was giving me pleasure. And he found he liked it. Whether it was the control factor, or the realization that his innate aversion to causing pain was being overcome and the resulting feeling of freedom, I don't know. He discovered a definite sadistic streak in himself that surprised the hell out of him. So he started learning about physical sadism and found he liked it....mostly because he saw how much I enjoy it.

Where your guy is already a sadist, maybe you can start slow and introduce pain within a light sensation session. When he sees how much you enjoy it, maybe that will help him overcome his reticence. My problem is that I'm very small and most Tops feel as if I will break if they play too hard. They find out differently real fast...lol. You may just have to show your man that you won't break.

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(in reply to Torimi)

Post #: 14

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/20/2008 10:41:52 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If it's just that he's going too slowly for the op, well let him set the pace. He's in charge. Plus sub frenzy makes us think we're ready for more than we really are. The old "eyes are bigger than the stomach" routine.

Honestly we need more detail to understand and make better suggestions.

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Post #: 15

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 3:50:34 AM

Torimi

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/25/2007
Status: offline

First: THANKS a lot for all the good advice so far. Let me specify my situation.

I can't tell him what I like in bdsm for I don't know yet. I told him I'm more into controll, bondage and less into pain although I need it to find my space. Sex may be involved from my side but is not necessary.
He on the other side needs power, pain and sex. I told him I was fine with this for I trust him to not hurt me willingly.
I also told him, that I know myself well enough to tell when its too much. He however, doesn't believe me, says I would do anything to please him. And yes, I would do a lot (and even over my limits) but only to the point before it is too late. As said; he doesn't believe me.

We talked about his fears of hurting me and he said his main issue is that he doesn't know my limits and I can't tell and he is scared that he will overstep my limits and thus make me feel like a victim. Although we discussed this at lengths and I told him to trust me, he still feels uncomfortable.
In bed, he takes charge and I give up controll. But nothing more. Everytime he wants to do something, he is backing away again. and that really annoys me at times.

On the one hand he says "lets give this time" and "talk to me" but on the other hand he try or ask. And since I am inexperienced (and shy btw) I don't feel comfortable just starting to talk.

As I see it; the main problem is "victim" and "trust".

Any more good advice?

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 4:03:49 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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Why would you go over your limits?

We all have to start somewhere, its new for all of us once. You just have to take it slow, like I said before. When I first started out I was terrified by the idea of pain, now I am a lot better. This is what safe words are for, you can say your word and stop it if you feel unhappy. Also you dont have to go in for a hugel long play right away, build it up gradually, it totally depends how you feel the relationship going, D/s isnt based totally in physical pain at all you can be submissive to him in other ways. I am not sure how experianced he is if he is this worried to be honest, he can surely be self restrained he doesnt have to leave giant welts on your body or anything.

When I started I had a huge list of limits, things I really didnt like the idea of I didnt know if i would enjoy them I just felt that I wanted to start very gingerly and gradually those limits deminished.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Torimi)

Post #: 17

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 7:50:53 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Torimi

Question is: What can I do to give him the confidence he needs?

If you have any thoughts/ experiences/ advice please please tell me *bows*

first you can't give him confidence... he can only give that to himself!

second... you can work at giving yourself confidence in whatever direction the two of you wish to go.

thirdly... be patient.... but keep focused on going forward in managable steps.

_____________________________

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Torimi)

Post #: 18

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 11:05:21 AM

Poetryinpain

Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
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Does he have a place like this where he can go and ask other dominants this question? This seems to be a situation that the two of you need to work on together. It's great that you're getting advice (and very good advice from what I've been reading here), but it might be advice he would take more to heart if it came directly to him from a "peer."

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Post #: 19

RE: He's scared to hurt me - 3/21/2008 11:40:30 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

Many things can help you both along in your journey together , though if you are new i can understand you wanting to hurry and try and taste everything on the bdsm buffet table that is set out before you . I would take it slow and savor what is set in front of you , cherish every experience . More more more may trigger a land mine be it physical or mental and i can see him taking his time .Communicate with your Top throughout your journey together ,express what you wish ,what you did not like ,, just try not to be a top from the bottom and not use this like a bdsm cafe ordering what you would like off the menu .
It could be lack of confidence , or lack of skills , and knowledge or it could be that he knows exactly what he is doing and he is controlling the pace .Events like Thunder in the Mountains , give classes , many local groups and muches also offer education .Maybe you could get another trusted person to co-top , read some books together .bdsm D/s is not always a cut n dry definition with step by step instructions to follow "thankfully " , you can be Topped with voice tone and words , tasks , homeworks type assignments ,and more . It maybe hard to express what you really want if you have yet to have that time and experience seek learn and grow and enjoy .

(in reply to Poetryinpain)

Post #: 20

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