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I feel guilty - 3/21/2008 8:53:02 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		I had a visit from my play pal the other day. It had been a while, as he had hurt his knee skiing. I was more than ready for our sessionk but something seemed just a bit "off" when he arrived.

We chatted as he set things up - just as usual.Then he said he was going to have me lie across the bed instead of lengthwise. He said it would be easier on his knee.

The session started off as usual, but again something seemed "off." I just couldn't get into it. The pain from the flogging, paddling, and whipping didn't send me into orgasms as it usually does. And then, when he tried anal penetration, he lost his erection - three times. Finally, he just gave up and ended the session.

He said it wasn't me - that getting into position was awkward and his knee hurt and that's what the problem was.

I just don't know. I've been programmed to think that if something goes wrong it's my fault. So I put on a brave face and said yes when he said "next time." But after he left I burst into tears. This is the first time anything like this has happened, and I just feel guilty.

Was he just being nice when he said it wasn't my fault? Was it because I couldn't get "going" like I usually do? Or is it possible that the position, combined with the knee problem, caused the "deflation"?

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/21/2008 8:56:12 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Pian is really going to screw up a guy's ability to concentrate and enjoy sex-I can't do it when I'm feeling off either. Give him some time to heal-you probably sensed that he was out of focus.

It's not something you need to feel bad over-stuff like this happens-and it's no one's fault.

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/21/2008 9:45:15 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		Do you take him at his word on every other issue?  If so, you should believe what he says this time too.

Everyone has off moments and even though it's disappointing, it's usually not either person's 'fault.'  Just relax and look forward to next time.


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"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
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RE: I feel guilty - 3/21/2008 9:55:10 PM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		Oh, I don't know, maybe it is all your fault.

chia* (the pet)

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/21/2008 11:01:41 PM   
katie978


Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline 		     It's not your fault. If you have a stomach ache, and can't finish a dinner even though it looks delicious, is it the cook's fault?

    It sounds a bit like your chemistry has fizzled out. It's sad, but it does sometimes happens. Once you've fully convinced yourself it was not your fault, ask him if he felt things were "off" as well, or if he was just hurting.
 

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/21/2008 11:05:53 PM   
Pyrrsefanie


Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline 		Shit happens.

It's mortifying and somewhat painful when it does, but the important thing is to move past it.  Trust me, he's probably more embarassed/upset about it than you are.  Most men I've been with tend to get really upset with themselves over sexual issues, even if it only happens once.

It really sounds like the awkward positioning due to his injured knee is what led to you feeling "off" and his troubles.  No one's fault at all, except maybe the bastard who rented him his skis.

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/21/2008 11:07:48 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Frankly, sometimes things do not always go perfectly, sometimes  sex or a scene or whatever goes poorly..to expect every time to be as the time before or right each and every time is to set yourself up for disappointment (just like now)..let it go..unless you are enjoying the mental masochistic acrobatics you are putting yourself through.....Tempting

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/21/2008 11:09:35 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Couldn't agree more with Fanie- bad scenes happen.  In the large scheme of things, this was actually really great in terms of scenes going bad.  He obviously really wanted to enjoy it if he tried to fuck you in a position which required being on his knees when he had a knee injury!

I do think you have a problem though- you knew from the start that something was "off" but you didn't ever say anything?  Talk about ignoring instincts and withholding communication.  Think how things might have gone if you'd said "Hey, are you up for this?  We can just go out for a movie and pizza"

Save him embarassment, save you needless crying, and you could have enjoyed a movie and pizza.  The world will not end if you don't have a mind blowing orgasmic scene each and every time you are together.  Stop overreacting, recognize next time that you need to SPEAK UP when things aren't going right, and that just because a scene goes bad doesn't make it all about you.  Getting into that sort of mindset just makes you more selfish and self centered and doesn't help anyone.

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/21/2008 11:44:32 PM   
OTKkindaGirl


Posts: 447
Joined: 12/26/2005
From: NW Arkansas
Status: offline 		he is a play partner.

if i am correct, you are the masochist.... and he is the sadist.... am i wrong here?  i mean, i could be.  if he is a masochist then i don't understand why he couldn't fuck the shit out of you while enjoying the distracting pain that seemed to diminish his performance.  no disrespect but it seems to me that you might be blowing this a bit out of proportion and placing a bit of unrealistic blame on not only yourself but on him as well.  take a deep breath.  pain isn't easy for those who aren't accustomed to dealing with it when it comes to themselves.  pain has a way of affecting not only the body but the mind as well.  seems like you should be well aware of that too, and be a little more understanding of his efforts however lacking they may have seemed.  i know it is very difficult to cope with emotions when you feel that you have failed the one you want to please the most.   do you not think he may be feeling the same guilt of not being able to give you what you seemed so willing to receive?  forgive yourself and forgive him. 

if things seemed a bit off, does that mean that you believed him to be emotionally distant?
honestly, i mean no disrespect, i just want you to see that like he says.... it isn't you.  he knows he failed you, i think that might hurt him more than he is letting on.  he wanted to be with you or he wouldn't have been there to begin with.  think it through and realize it really isn't all about you but the both of you.  if things were emtionally off as well then that is something that certainly should be addressed.

only you can choose the way you want to feel, but in my humble opinion, you really should not feel guilty and neither should he. trust and communication. 

sweetness to you and good luck to you both.




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RE: I feel guilty - 3/22/2008 12:08:10 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		So many women say they have trouble having sex on their periods because of cramps.  Try to relate it to that - he's in pain, enough for it to be distracting.  And if he took any pain meds for it, that could have an effect on his performance, too.

You have been programmed wrong, which is unfortunate.  Work on letting go of that, as it will do you no good.  You can't control his anatomy, but you can control whether or not you decide to believe him.

I used to think everything was about me - If something went wrong, I must have caused it (whether in "playing" or anything else).  That came from years of bad programming, heaping more and more baggage on myself.  I was crying to my brother about something once (something bad in life that I must have caused, of course) and he laughed and said, "You know, I love you, but you're not that important!  You don't control this stuff!"   

Life is a lot more relaxing when you don't try to carry all the burdens that exist in it.  Let it go, relax, and call him to see how he is feeling.  It's all good.  :)

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/22/2008 4:22:21 AM   
mastervalentine


Posts: 157
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline 		Have faith in your companion, and if I may be so bold as to say, if next time isn't more satisfying, perhaps... try to be a source of strength. If there is indeed an underlying problem, I honestly doubt it is with you. Rather than be another source of trouble and trial, ask him to confide in you, to rely on you just as you rely on him.

Have faith in him, and in yourself.

And please, pardon me if I have said anything that I should not have.

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/22/2008 5:41:03 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Poetryinpain
I've been programmed to think that if something goes wrong it's my fault.


Forget the knee injury. Forget the position on the bed. Forget the deflation.

This is the problem and it's a big one that needs attention immediately.

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/22/2008 5:46:23 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

quote:

ORIGINAL: Poetryinpain
I've been programmed to think that if something goes wrong it's my fault.


Forget the knee injury. Forget the position on the bed. Forget the deflation.

This is the problem and it's a big one that needs attention immediately.



*nods*

I would say so, in regards to everything else shit happens.


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RE: I feel guilty - 3/22/2008 7:35:20 AM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks to all of you for your well-thought-out responses. I think that deep inside I really knew it wasn't my fault, but it was good to see how many of you reaffirmed that. I also needed the "tough love" that is akin to a shake of the shoulders. Yes - it isn't about me.

I will take all the advice and work through this with him. Thank you.

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/22/2008 10:05:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		What is there to work through with him?  What did he do wrong?  I'd say you should apologize for not speaking up earlier, let him know you hope he feels better, that you don't feel he did anything wrong and that he isn't any less capable than he was before and you look forward to more when you can.  Let him know that you have a problem with taking things too personally and too directly, but YOU are working on it and hope he can understand and have patience.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: I feel guilty - 3/22/2008 11:46:29 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		In general, I've found that if something feels off, it's always better to say so and talk it out if you can. Prevents scenes going wrong. And if I can't pinpoint it, but I still don't feel right, then we do something very simple, or nothing at all. Listen to your gut in the future.

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