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Question regarding trust - 3/22/2008 10:16:59 AM

chelgirl

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/15/2007
Status: offline

Hello everyone. I had a sexual injury during a scene back in June 2007 and I am having a hard time getting back up on the bicycle again. The injury was a fisting injury and it was pretty severe. I do not want this to be a blaming game in the discussion because already been there, done that. It happened between 2 consenting people and various issues were in play that didn't prevent the damage from happening. I do know my parts in the injury were around my communication which I have been working on since then.

So my fears are around trusting. It goes over into more than D/s stuff and pretty much into my sexuality in general. I recently engaged sexually with an individual for the first time since the injury so I guess that is called progress. I have a lot of little girl in me and have a tendency towards impatience but I also know that I need to just take things slow and in time things will be better. I safe worded out of some of the sexual play in the recent encounter because I wasn't comfortable with things. He was great about it and was encouraging to me for letting him know where I was but I still feel like I am never going to get beyond this trauma in my life. I know I will get beyond it but it is just the feeling of fear of it always kind of lurking in the background.

I posted because I wanted to know what is realistic in other people's opinions to ask from a Master/Dom/me in the area of trust? Also, what things have been helpful in building trust for others in the area of sexual and BDSM play?

Any input is appreciated.

Respectfully,
chel

Post #: 1

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/22/2008 10:36:00 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Trust comes with time and shared experience with a person. It sounds like your recent Dom did a great job with you, you felt free to use your safe words and they were respected. This no doubt built your respect for him.

You will find that you will relax more over time as the trust grows. Don't ever berate yourself for using a safeword; it does not mean that you were a failure or that you will be blamed (by a mature partner) for not trying hard enough. If there are things he would like to try with you that you are not sure of let him know that you are willing to start but that if you get scared or feel too much pain that you will have to use the safe word. If he is a worthy Dom he will help you through this transitional phase.

_____________________________

(in reply to chelgirl)

Post #: 2

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/22/2008 10:41:15 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I was beaten severely with a belt as a child. Even removing my Master's belt for him while undressing him had me trembling. Like you, I very much wanted to overcome my former traumas. I spoke to him about this...I told him I would very much like to get to a point where he can whip me with his belt, without feeling traumatized by my past. So he worked with me on it, for which I am grateful.

First, he wanted me to express to him precisely what had happened in my past. This meant explaining the environment I was in, the circumstances around it, what led up to it, what exactly happened, how I felt before, during and after it happened, and what goes through my mind every time I thought about it in present day times.

I was then to visualize him belting me. In doing this imagery, I would write it all out in story form - and in doing so, I would put my mind in that moment, and write about everything I thought and felt. I would visualize success at this. In fact, in preparing me for anything that was new and "on edge" for me, I would be required to visualize the activity with a successful outcome and write about it.

He introduced the belt to me slowly. I spent about 2 months in imagery (off and on, not total!) as we both explored my thoughts. He would remove his belt and have me hold it...smell it...kiss it...befriend it. I thought of his belt as its own entity, not as a weapon in my mother's hand. When the day came for my actual belting, I was to offer it to him, kissing it first before lifting it up to him, and I was instructed to bend over the bed.

Sure, I trembled a bit. He draped the belt over me...running it lightly down my shoulders, back, hips, bottom and legs. He did this repeatedly and seductively until I was relaxed and focused. He slipped it in under my mouth and ordered me to kiss it again, and I did. And then he stepped back and gave me a very light hit. The light hit, of course, felt like a severe strike and had me cry out in fear as my mind reeled back to "those days". But as instantly as I went there, I came back. I immediately remembered this tool is in my Master's hand, and my Master is safe. My Mother was not in control, and my Master is. My Mother meant to do me harm, and my Master does not.

I relaxed and gave into it. He continued striking lightly, although just a tad harder each time. At one point he stopped to ask, "What are you thinking and feeling?" Another time he stopped and said "Is that enough or do you need more?" To my surprised, I asked for more, please.

The next couple of times he belted me he was just as delicate. Now it is no longer an issue for me. In fact, now I beg him to, and once while I was on the floor being belted, I kissed his feet and thanked him after each strike.

So that was a really long story, but I wanted to express that you can indeed overcome, if you are gentle about it, honest about it, and willing to realize the person who you give yourself to now is not the person who hurt you (for whatever reason) in the past. Hopefully the one you are with will know and understand how to help you through this, as you seem to not want to limit yourself this way.

I wish you well...trauma is just that - trauma - and while it can be overcome, it is not easy to do so.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to chelgirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/22/2008 10:43:59 AM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

Trust is everything, If there is even a shadow of doubt then there is fear on the part of what we do.
In my opinion the biggest difference between a submissive and a slave is trust.
With a slave trust in both idrections has to be as close to absolute as possable

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to chelgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/22/2008 10:44:01 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It is realistic that you be completely open with them about your issues and for them to decide whether they can handle them and work with them to form a relationship or not, and admit that openly to you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 5

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/22/2008 10:49:01 AM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

** HIJACK ALERT!! HIJACK ALERT!!*

Ownedgirl,
i can not tell You how much i could relate to Your post. Thank You for being such an inspiration.... You and Your Master are truly fortunate to have found each other.
Thanks for always writing with such transparency and honesty.
Kali

* now back to Your regularly scheduled thread*

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 6

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/22/2008 11:24:46 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Thank you, Kalista :)

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 7

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/22/2008 11:38:32 AM

chelgirl

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/15/2007
Status: offline

Thank you all for your replies and the encouragement. ownedgirlie... your Master sounds wonderful with you. I am glad he is able to give you healing experiences to counter your past abuse.

For so long I stayed out of the lifestyle because of my past abuse issues. I felt I had to be more stable in order to engage and I still believe that. But I also have realized that I have not taken chances because I have felt like it would be placing too much onto a Dominant when in reality it is very common.

Again thank you all for your replies.

chel

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 8

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/22/2008 11:42:37 AM

chelgirl

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/15/2007
Status: offline

Ahhhh yes... the good old thinking for them. I get called on that one a lot by friends. One good friend finally helped me see that I was taking away their options and their right to choose what role they had in my life by restricting what I would tell someone and what I would not. It finally sank in with him though. And I am grateful for that.

Thanks,
chel

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It is realistic that you be completely open with them about your issues and for them to decide whether they can handle them and work with them to form a relationship or not, and admit that openly to you.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/23/2008 4:07:54 AM

mastervalentine

Posts: 157
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

A mature, responsible master should never hold in question the use of a safeword. It is there for a reason, a vital part of the relationship. Likewise, a responsible slave or submissive should never be afraid to use the safeword as it is there for a reason. In using a safeword, you have done no wrong. Quite the opposite, you defined a current boundary, expressed a discomfort, and have found your partner to be one who in this way at least, is respectful and thus, respectable.

If it is something you want to work past, simply put, you can't fail. Don't feel guilty when you can't do it all at once, take it slowly. Trust trumps fear every time, given time. Focus on that, and everything else will fall into place, sooner or later.

(in reply to chelgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/23/2008 7:56:44 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chelgirl

I posted because I wanted to know what is realistic in other people's opinions to ask from a Master/Dom/me in the area of trust?

In a word... patience. Some might say understanding, but a dominant won't necessarily understand exactly what you are feeling. They might be compassionate, or not... depending on how well they can empathize... which can be hard to do if they don't understand something at all. But regardless, something they should be is patient... which doesn't require them to understand, empathize, or be compassionate... it just requires time.

quote:

Also, what things have been helpful in building trust for others in the area of sexual and BDSM play?

The best way to rebuild trust is to take the chance again. You have to first confront your fears before you can overcome them. Anything else is just more avoidance. That doesn't mean you need to plunge fully right back into things... nor does it mean you shouldn't do exactly that... that's something you have to decide. Dive back in or take small steps, do what works for you... what you are able to do. The more things you do successfully, the greater your confidence will build... and with that the greater your level of trust.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to chelgirl)

Post #: 11

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/23/2008 12:01:11 PM

chelgirl

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/15/2007
Status: offline

Thank you MasterValentine for your words.

I agree that using my safeword was a good thing. It was disappointing at the time because I was also enjoying a lot of what we were doing. I had just reached a point where I think fear and insecurity had replaced pleasure.

I did apologize for safewording out but he was great in telling me that I needed to not blame myself and that it was a good thing that I had done. As you acknowledged as well.

It is odd to look at the words here from ALL of you and know that these are all things I would say to others. I guess my largest problem is that I need to let go of the past and just embrace moving forward more fully than I have currently.

Thank you all.

chel

quote:

ORIGINAL: mastervalentine

A mature, responsible master should never hold in question the use of a safeword. It is there for a reason, a vital part of the relationship. Likewise, a responsible slave or submissive should never be afraid to use the safeword as it is there for a reason. In using a safeword, you have done no wrong. Quite the opposite, you defined a current boundary, expressed a discomfort, and have found your partner to be one who in this way at least, is respectful and thus, respectable.

If it is something you want to work past, simply put, you can't fail. Don't feel guilty when you can't do it all at once, take it slowly. Trust trumps fear every time, given time. Focus on that, and everything else will fall into place, sooner or later.

_____________________________

~a humble servant seeking the safety in One not in search of restraint but the freedom of possession

(in reply to mastervalentine)

Post #: 12

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/23/2008 12:03:42 PM

chelgirl

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag
In a word... patience. Some might say understanding, but a dominant won't necessarily understand exactly what you are feeling. They might be compassionate, or not... depending on how well they can empathize... which can be hard to do if they don't understand something at all. But regardless, something they should be is patient... which doesn't require them to understand, empathize, or be compassionate... it just requires time.
...
The best way to rebuild trust is to take the chance again. You have to first confront your fears before you can overcome them. Anything else is just more avoidance. That doesn't mean you need to plunge fully right back into things... nor does it mean you shouldn't do exactly that... that's something you have to decide. Dive back in or take small steps, do what works for you... what you are able to do. The more things you do successfully, the greater your confidence will build... and with that the greater your level of trust.

Thank you Padriag for your words and insight. I think additionally I need to be patient with myself. I have learned that when a Dominant is not patient it is a pretty big red flag on their overall way of being.

Again, thank you for your input.

chel

_____________________________

~a humble servant seeking the safety in One not in search of restraint but the freedom of possession

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 13

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/23/2008 1:14:49 PM

mastervalentine

Posts: 157
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

Well, what d'y'a' know? I've been singled out! Letting go is hard to do, but have faith in yourself.

Don't push yourself too hard, in the end you know yourself best of all. You'll do fine, I'm sure.

(in reply to chelgirl)

Post #: 14

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/23/2008 4:18:54 PM

ProfJoe

Posts: 75
Joined: 6/7/2007
Status: offline

You're doing fine. Nothing is wrong ... just a bit slow, since you feel impatient with it. And I doubt anyone would blame ...

If you're ready to move ahead, and your fear is in the way, then it's not trust you need so much as courage.

Sure, you have to "trust" in the sense that your head has to tell you that the risk you are taking is manageable ... i.e., the person is knowledgeable and compatible ... but to ride the bike or horse after you've fallen off doesn't require a particular bike or horse, other than being one proven to be able to adjust to your own level of skill. To climb aboard, you do need a whole bunch of courage.

And each time after it may get easier.

May.

I hope it does.

Best wishes. ProfJoe

(in reply to mastervalentine)

Post #: 15

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/24/2008 3:05:40 AM

chelgirl

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/15/2007
Status: offline

Thank you ProfJoe - another good point to ponder. I guess in reality it is more courage that I am in need of. I shy away really quickly from just about everyone who tries to get close to me. I do know I have good reason to do so. And I also know I am doing pretty good for the most part in challenging my knee jerk reaction of pushing potentials away. The injury also gave me a good lesson of slow being okay but I am rather tired of the snails pace and I think that is good too.

I wonder at times if I take on too much responsibility for myself. I don't like handing my baggage over to someone else if I don't have a good handle on it first. I have had good friends tell me though that I am taking away their choice in things by not letting them into my life and my world. I am learning to not doubt myself as much and learning that I am not a bad person even though I have come through a lot to get to where I am today.

So maybe the question becomes, how does one get the courage to start to trust and have faith that good does exist?

Thank you for your words.

chel

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProfJoe

You're doing fine. Nothing is wrong ... just a bit slow, since you feel impatient with it. And I doubt anyone would blame ...

If you're ready to move ahead, and your fear is in the way, then it's not trust you need so much as courage.

Sure, you have to "trust" in the sense that your head has to tell you that the risk you are taking is manageable ... i.e., the person is knowledgeable and compatible ... but to ride the bike or horse after you've fallen off doesn't require a particular bike or horse, other than being one proven to be able to adjust to your own level of skill. To climb aboard, you do need a whole bunch of courage.

And each time after it may get easier.

May.

I hope it does.

Best wishes. ProfJoe

_____________________________

~a humble servant seeking the safety in One not in search of restraint but the freedom of possession

(in reply to ProfJoe)

Post #: 16

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/24/2008 10:41:40 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Chelgirl,

I am going to flip this on its head a moment to discuss trust. Neither of these are intended to showcase what you did, simply to give perspective from the other side.

Imaging being a loving caring dominant and some woman comes to you and wants to play. She seems a bit wounded but also grounded. She tells you her issues so that you know what isn't and isn't safe for her, you play for a while, slowly going farther/deeper/harsher and are testing the waters. You are going slow in case she hasn't been fully open. So you sense the minute the scene starts going south and stop and give her some loving aftercare, perhaps moving past that point, perhaps not. However, you now now you can't quite trust her not because she lied but because she either doesn't know her boundaries or can't/doesn't know how to talk about them, either way your trust in her is lessened, even if her trust in you is increased.

Another scenario is you are a new dom and some woman wants to play with you finally. You haven't done much and while you are skilled enough with toys you don't yet know how much you don't know about dealing with submissives. You negotiate like all the books tell you, she lets you know she has some damage and so you try and work around it. Play is hot, you are both into it and then BAM the whole thing goes to shit and she is mess and you are wondering what the fuck went wrong.

Those are not the only options as a skilled dominant can fuck up just as well and in some ways even worse.

The trick is to do the first one with whomever you play with. Be as clear as possible, be aware if you are going somewhere bad, openly and immediately communicate that in a non blaming way to your partner and work together to handle it. It will take time and as you get better at choosing partners who will handle things in a way that works for you and you get more confident that you have chosen such partners, things will get better.

(in reply to chelgirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/24/2008 12:12:42 PM

chelgirl

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/15/2007
Status: offline

SimplyMichael,

lol... I just started to post a reply that was all defensive but I caught myself when I re-read your post. Thank you for your words. I think the defensive came from my reaction to the the first paragraphs and not the last one where I think I can see the key to your post (after the 2nd or 3rd read).

I had a lot of other rambling but I think I want to leave it at that. Your flip was helpful.

Thanks,
chel

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Chelgirl,

I am going to flip this on its head a moment to discuss trust. Neither of these are intended to showcase what you did, simply to give perspective from the other side.

Imaging being a loving caring dominant and some woman comes to you and wants to play. She seems a bit wounded but also grounded. She tells you her issues so that you know what isn't and isn't safe for her, you play for a while, slowly going farther/deeper/harsher and are testing the waters. You are going slow in case she hasn't been fully open. So you sense the minute the scene starts going south and stop and give her some loving aftercare, perhaps moving past that point, perhaps not. However, you now now you can't quite trust her not because she lied but because she either doesn't know her boundaries or can't/doesn't know how to talk about them, either way your trust in her is lessened, even if her trust in you is increased.

Another scenario is you are a new dom and some woman wants to play with you finally. You haven't done much and while you are skilled enough with toys you don't yet know how much you don't know about dealing with submissives. You negotiate like all the books tell you, she lets you know she has some damage and so you try and work around it. Play is hot, you are both into it and then BAM the whole thing goes to shit and she is mess and you are wondering what the fuck went wrong.

Those are not the only options as a skilled dominant can fuck up just as well and in some ways even worse.

The trick is to do the first one with whomever you play with. Be as clear as possible, be aware if you are going somewhere bad, openly and immediately communicate that in a non blaming way to your partner and work together to handle it. It will take time and as you get better at choosing partners who will handle things in a way that works for you and you get more confident that you have chosen such partners, things will get better.

_____________________________

~a humble servant seeking the safety in One not in search of restraint but the freedom of possession

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 18

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/25/2008 9:11:01 AM

saret

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/27/2005
Status: offline

Holy crap. I just started a treat on very relevant interests ...

(in reply to chelgirl)

Post #: 19

RE: Question regarding trust - 3/26/2008 9:51:21 AM

chelgirl

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/15/2007
Status: offline

I am not sure I am following...... What do you mean?

chelgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: saret

Holy crap. I just started a treat on very relevant interests ...

_____________________________

~a humble servant seeking the safety in One not in search of restraint but the freedom of possession

(in reply to saret)

Post #: 20

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