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Real_Trouble -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 2:50:26 PM)
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This, to me, is something of a catch-22 situation on the surface.
On one hand, I believe it to be unequivocally true that if you do not tell people about these things, and do not communicate clearly what the issues are, that you will end up with a clusterfuck. They really do need to be out in the open, and if you are able to discuss them honestly, you are going to be doing both yourself and your Dom a huge favor. Even the best Doms are not complete mind-readers; those truly intent on keeping secrets can almost always keep ones that cannot be easily verified, so long as they are held by one person. You need to communicate.
On the other hand, you do risk alienating or pushing people away with this kind of knowledge. Some people are not looking for this kind of thing, or do not want to deal with the baggage of other people; in truth, that is their decision to make, not yours. Lying to them or hiding things so that they do not have to make it will, ultimately, be damaging in the long run to both of you, though.
So you need to tell the truth, but in doing so, you take a risk.
Now, with regard to how to do this... there is never a good time, but all you have to do is not pick a really bad time. As long as something disasterously bad did not happen, make it clear you want to talk, and give at least some idea of what you want to talk about. The real key is being able to communicate as clearly as possible, and being able to be realistic and honest about what you are saying. I have one friend who likes to write a speech for herself before she does these things, because it helps her stay grounded; some kind of congitive trick like that might help if this is a charged issue.
Obviously you need trust as well. You will have to decide when you feel comfortable on that one.
Also, a good point by CalifChick:
quote:
Do you really want to be with someone who would judge you for what happened to you in the past? Do you really want to have a relationship with someone where you don't feel safe enough that you have to keep that big secret?
If you cannot share these things, or sharing them leads to the end of a relationship, it was not a relationship worth being in. This, of course, assumes you built up some trust first. If I was at a first encounter / contact and someone fired away with their entire life to me including all of their deep, dark secrets, I'd seriously doubt their ability to be discreet and trustworthy. So take what I'm saying here in context...
But with regard to the not speaking thing - there are a myriad of reasons this could be the case, and attempting to guess blindly is not a good thing. Be patient, see what happens. If he vanished, he vanished, and you need to move on. There is no point chasing, for the reasons in the paragraph above; now, I know that's easy to say and hard to do emotionally, but you have to be able to do that. I've been in that kind of rough situation myself (the smart things vs. what I want on an immediate level), and I have consistently decided towards the former. It has made me unhappy in the short term but happy in the long term every time I've done it, and I'd much rather that than the reverse.
Best of luck, and for once, I mean that.
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