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The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/22/2008 11:40:04 PM

Pyrrsefanie

Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline

It's been argued before that personality (submissive or dominant) does not necessarily dictate the role a person takes in a D/s relationship, and vice versa. I subscribe to this theory, citing examples of CEO's in high-powered jobs that find a need to just step away and "release" themselves from their role during the workday. So then does it not make sense that someone who may come across as timid or shy in their daily life may truly come alive in their "second life" as a Domme?

I get a lot of flak for being socially inept. I chose the death industry for my career path primarily because I find dead people a lot less threatening/annoying than living ones. I hate parties because they're too loud and there are too many people. Phone conversations, except with a select few people, make me extremely uncomfortable. I can't make eye contact with the barista taking my coffee order and just paying for the damn thing I'll probably drop my card about a hundred times because my hands are shaking so bad from nervousness. When I was still doing burlesque I used to knock back a few shots before each performance to help me loosen up and smile rather than run screaming backstage because of all the people out there.

And yet at the end of the day, when I come home to my darling boy... all of that melts away, and suddenly I am strong, confident, sexy... fearless. I can stare him in the eyes for hours. The sounds of his screams and moans can't be loud enough. I want the neighbors to hear him. I want them to come running and see what I'm doing to him, and what he's doing for me.

It seems like a paradox. I've been told before that I can't be a Domme and completely fail at social interactions like I do. Yet... I am.

Is this a common thing? Or am I the only "weird girl" out there?

Post #: 1

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 1:30:14 AM

LadyLolly

Posts: 140
Joined: 5/21/2005
Status: offline

Ever hear of Walter Mitty?

It's not uncommon for some to seek balance with control in thier personal life and fantesy to offset the lack of control and confidence elsewhere.

In a perfect world I'd prefer to believe that both dominants and submissives come from strength - of course your mileage may vary.

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 2

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 2:37:45 AM

chezzy52

Posts: 220
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline

That is funny really...i say that because i am as submissive as they come but i take over a room when i walk into it.I have that kind of personality in dealing with strangers and friends alike.However,when i worked for a living,i despised working with others.The team concept deal is all BS to me because there was always someone who didn't respond to the corporate BS and of course that was me.I rather work alone and not have to depend on someone else for a bonus.The social dynamic works both ways.You obviously have found comfort and dominance in a loving one on one isolated D/s relationship.To be a Domina in my opinion takes more than just social graces..so don't sell yourself short.

(in reply to LadyLolly)

Post #: 3

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 5:19:21 AM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Dominant or submissive, its possible to suffer from shyness/lack of confidence. It doesnt follow that shy people are weak though. I think its like having an inner strength, hidden by an outer weakness. Many people that are outwardly overbearing, are shy inside and the bluster is just used to cover the shyness. Oddly enough i am shy on the surface but thrive in a crisis. I have just reached an age where i no longer worry about the ifs and buts and just accept myself for what i am. As Chezzy said...Dont sell yourself short.

Waves to LadyLolly..... Long time no see.

(in reply to chezzy52)

Post #: 4

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 8:45:09 AM

LadyLolly

Posts: 140
Joined: 5/21/2005
Status: offline

It was late. Public speaking/performance is THE number one fear of most people.  Being dominant has no more to do with chest pounding and grandstanding than being submissive requires being a carpet crawler.Both require a measure of confidence in practice, though that is likely to be greater as experience and comfort grows as well as in the situation.

There is a difference between projecting an image, assuming a "role persona" and allowing yourself to express (and others to see) what you at your core, are. Only you can be sure if you are projecting what is or what isn't, really you, though in time others that get to know you well may figure it out. For the most part, people take time to come to terms with thier real nature only after extensive self discovery and exploration.

Those that know me now would laugh to discover up until I was 12 I was painfully shy and insecure. After some serious self analysis, obviously I got over it. As you come into your own and more comfortable with yourself you may too find more confidence in yourself in "outside" situations or not.

My point is this: You are the one best to know if, in situations you are comfortable with, if you can allow your core self to been seen, exhibited and acted upon or if you are just acting a part.

(waves at politesub and whispers I've been busy and thanks!)..  .   .

(in reply to Politesub53)

Post #: 5

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 9:09:03 AM

AllforFun

Posts: 83
Joined: 4/5/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

It's been argued before that personality (submissive or dominant) does not necessarily dictate the role a person takes in a D/s relationship, and vice versa. I subscribe to this theory, citing examples of CEO's in high-powered jobs that find a need to just step away and "release" themselves from their role during the workday. So then does it not make sense that someone who may come across as timid or shy in their daily life may truly come alive in their "second life" as a Domme?

why am I suddenly reminded of that scene from "Real Men" with John Ritter and James belushi? lol

John Belushi: "I'm looking for some sex tonight, can you handle that?"

Sweet & Shy innocent looking blond girl: "I'll try!" *blushes*

At her place.....belushi walks through the door of her garage to find a full fledged dungeon and haunting music playing.... she is decked out in leather and has a bullwhip in her hand....

Sweet girl turned Domme: "On your knees slave!" *crack*

LMAO.... I dont think its uncommon at all. In fact in the man code there is an asterisk next to a warning: "Beware shy silent types, they are dangerous."

The same applies to me, a sub. I can be very energetic and lead the room very easily. Yet have a woman order me around and I melt. strange phenomenon.

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 6

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 9:28:55 AM

khem

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

I'm generally a bit shy when I first meet people. I also dislike public speaking. I don't think either have much to do with lack of confidence or poor self-esteem. When I get shy it's almost an involuntary physical thing. Luckily, I get over it pretty fast. Also, in day to day life I tend to behave nearly on the submissive side of things when relating to strangers and such. This is mostly because I consider good manners to be more important that acting dominant. Many social situations call for acting submissive- it's not anything bad- it's often the smartest way to behave at first. Many tops (especially at munches and things) will act "dominant" to random people they have only just met for the first time. This always drives me nuts because it comes off as poor manners to me. Just my personal pet peeve. I'm more inclined to trust/respect the people who think before they speak, wait and see what a situation is like before jumping into it, and gladly provide ample rope for those around them to hang themselves by saying something stupid.

While I would prefer to act asserively at first, some shyness in the first few minutes of relating to someone new is a survival mechanism, I think.

(in reply to AllforFun)

Post #: 7

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 9:40:47 AM

Pyrrsefanie

Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline

Thanks guys, for your wonderful answers... it's a relief to find that I'm not the only one out there.

xoxo
Pyrrsefanie

(in reply to khem)

Post #: 8

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 9:49:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Extrovert and introvert have no relationship to which side of the slash you're on. However, severe social phobia is treatable.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 9

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 9:52:56 AM

Pyrrsefanie

Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Extrovert and introvert have no relationship to which side of the slash you're on. However, severe social phobia is treatable.

They've had me on a couple different anti-anxiety meds for that... takes the edge off, but as far as just not "getting" people... meh. I'm not even sure it's a phobia, since fear as I've come to understand it almost never comes into play. It's almost like an inability, and I've had it pretty much since birth. My teachers all thought I was autistic for the first several years of school, hah.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 11:39:07 AM

LadyHathor

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

I think it has to do with the initmacy and trust of one versus the coldness of many---he provides you with the love and support to be what You are--I don't remember anywhere in the Dominas hand book it said One had to be able to play the Palace to be a good One.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 11

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 5:45:36 PM

SunNMoon

Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline

I’m shy too. I apparently don’t come across as shy a lot of that has to do with the fake that I’m faking it all the time. I dislike that in my job I spend all day talking to random people I match rather be sitting working on paperwork or research something. So you are not alone at all.

Also there is the movie Tom Cats, which has a scene with the shy librarian who is really a domme. I’ve always related to her.

_____________________________

"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

(in reply to LadyHathor)

Post #: 12

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 6:55:52 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

If it helps any, what you explained of yourself reminds me of most of the Engineering folks I've worked with. They're into their own thing, in their world of codes and logic, and just don't have a need to relate to what's going on outside of that. With them it isn't necessarily a shyness, it's just their personality trait. We all bring our personalities into the mix. There are introverts and extroverts in any kind of life orientation, and I think it has little to no bearing on how effective one can be as a dominant or submissive person. I could swear one programmer I know is submissive to his wife, while a quiet, under-the-rader programmer I know could make anyone stop and do what he wanted. :)

All you can be is yourself, right? And if it feels good to be you, well then go for it!

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 13

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 8:30:12 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

You ARE weird, but you're our kind of weird! :) Get yourself a sub who can deal with the public, and you'll have it made!

When I was a kid I was scared of strangers, but I evidently outgrew it...I am by no means a people person, but I work very successfully with the public. I fall exactly in the middle of the extrovert/introvert scale. I need to work with and interact with people to help keep my illness at bay, but solitude is a physical need for me as well.

Can you get through your workday? Are you happy camper? Then it's all good!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 14

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 8:32:04 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie
They've had me on a couple different anti-anxiety meds for that... takes the edge off, but as far as just not "getting" people... meh. I'm not even sure it's a phobia, since fear as I've come to understand it almost never comes into play. It's almost like an inability, and I've had it pretty much since birth. My teachers all thought I was autistic for the first several years of school, hah.

Hmm... have you done any reading on Asperger's Syndrome? May seem a bit familiar.

For what it's worth, both i and my wife have similar levels of social anxiety, and at first i was more surprised that you would take up Burlesque performance than by your being a Domme... until i remembered that my wife used to do Rocky Horror performances as a hobby.

While i am sick unto death of the "submissive CEO" stereotype, i've never felt that the way that someone presents themselves to the rabble is necessarily indicative of the "person they are" around the people they know best. Human nature is a funny thing, and all the different parts seldom connect the way that one would expect them to...

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 15

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 8:45:09 PM

Pyrrsefanie

Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petdave

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie
They've had me on a couple different anti-anxiety meds for that... takes the edge off, but as far as just not "getting" people... meh. I'm not even sure it's a phobia, since fear as I've come to understand it almost never comes into play. It's almost like an inability, and I've had it pretty much since birth. My teachers all thought I was autistic for the first several years of school, hah.

Hmm... have you done any reading on Asperger's Syndrome? May seem a bit familiar.

For what it's worth, both i and my wife have similar levels of social anxiety, and at first i was more surprised that you would take up Burlesque performance than by your being a Domme... until i remembered that my wife used to do Rocky Horror performances as a hobby.

Rocky Horror? That's flipping awesome. ;)

I'm familiar with Asperger's but oh-so-hesitant to really label myself as such to avoid becoming one of those "intarnet Asperger's sufferers" -- i.e., those who claim to have Asperger's as an excuse for why they smell bad and masturbate to hentai all day instead of maintaining meaningful relationships with real people without ever really being tested for it or having a clinical diagnosis. Same kind of people who have a sneezing attack and arrive at the conclusion that they have nasopharyngeal cancer thanks to Web M.D.

Don't know if they were aware of Asperger's when I was a wee one, so I can't tell you for sure if I was ever tested for it. It is somewhat frightening, though, how many of the symptoms I've had my entire life are on that list (extreme sensitivity to certain light, sounds, textures, and tastes, slow to mature emotionally, difficulties with seemingly mundane tasks as a child -- I was in fifth grade before I could tie my shoes or tell time despite the fact I've got an IQ of 145)... and more disturbing, how many of them fit other relatives of mine who also have high IQ's. My uncle is the poster child for high-functioning autism. I wonder if there's an established genetic component.

Now if only they could find a cure for it. Although to be honest, I'm not really unhappy being the way I am. I only get upset when people give me a hard time about it.

Oh, and LadyHibiscus, my slave is actually my link to the "outside" world. He's a complete attention whore and loves being around other people -- sometimes I feel like the Armand to his Louis because of it!

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 16

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 10:05:55 PM

MistressTaboo

Posts: 147
Joined: 6/10/2005
Status: offline

I've been a Femdomme for 8yrs...
Till I was a jr in high school I was painfully shy. Still am if you put me in a large crowd of people. Less than 20 or so and I can hold my own. At many a play party everyone has thought my sub was a Dom. He's more out going and the life of the party. I'm slow to warm up to people and it takes a lot for me to consider someone a friend...

I don't like people very much on a whole they annoy me...I work from home very happily...Nothing wrong with it...Just who I am...I'd still be this way if I was a Domme, a sub or a vanilla...just me...reached the point where what does it matter what other people think?

_____________________________

"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed" Meredith Brooks

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 17

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 10:45:35 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie
I'm familiar with Asperger's but oh-so-hesitant to really label myself as such to avoid becoming one of those "intarnet Asperger's sufferers" -- i.e., those who claim to have Asperger's as an excuse for why they smell bad and masturbate to hentai all day instead of maintaining meaningful relationships with real people

Whoa.... so does this mean i can file for disability??

quote:

I was in fifth grade before I could tie my shoes or tell time despite the fact I've got an IQ of 145)...

Okay, that's creepy... i've had (and still have) problems with both of those... i can unload a shopping cart with $200-$300 worth of groceries in it, recall the exact price for every item as i pick it up, run the tally and sales tax in my head, and be within .5% of the actual total by the time the clerk scans my frequent shopper card... but i have to stare at an analog clock for 20 seconds before the time registers on me.

quote:

I wonder if there's an established genetic component.

There was an article a few years back, in Wired, i think... It discussed how the "Silicon Valley" area is seeing a disproportionately large number of children with autism, which they theorized was due to the popularity of programming and technology jobs among people with autism-spectrum disorders... Not sure if there is any research more in-depth, tho.

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 18

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/23/2008 10:53:06 PM

Kirren

Posts: 580
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline

I am an extream introvert. When in public I do one of two things...I make NO eye contact....or I act an utter fool out of nervousness. I make inappropriate jokes at the wrong time, I laugh too loud, or I sit back and I say nothing and just look at the floor or My hands.

In school, I was very withdrawn...I walked around with headphones on...I didnt speak to any one, I didnt do sleep overs...and I didnt go to parties...I went to two dances the entire time I was in school and at all of them, I stayed to get pictures made so I could show My mom, as proof that I was there, and then I left to go sit in the foot ball field and listen to My own music or just to be alone.

In My own home? Im out spoken, I make jokes with flawless comic timing, I take command when needed to, or let D when He needs to. I manage time, I stand up to the ex and I have order...DAMNIT.

Some people, just like to be in their own environment to be relaxed and to be safe...and to be themselves. Nothing wrong with that.

_____________________________

Everything has been said before
There's nothing left to say anymore
When it's all the same
You can ask for it by name

Did I fail to mention...I am a BITCH?

(in reply to petdave)

Post #: 19

RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme - 3/24/2008 2:42:44 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Yeah, you're weird...but so am I, so we now have enough members to form our own little club! Go us!

When I'm entering a group of people that I don't know and I don't have a reason to be there that puts me in control of the room, such as teaching, I am often quiet and withdrawn. I watched people and interact slowly. Some of this is learned behavior and some of this is part of my shielding technique. I am picky about who I let in. Once I get to know some of them and get a sense about who they are, I'll choose to stay and be myself or leave the group, unless I have to stay, in which case I usually just remain quiet.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 20

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