RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (Full Version)

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Lovearts -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 3:03:33 AM)

well, might i submit ('scuse the pun), that your role and experience of Domination is simply a release of your natural persona within its element to which it is able to manifest? Your nervousness may stem from the fact that you can't tell the barista behind the counter to get your coffee within that powerful full flowing context, because it would be simply inappropiate, however,  with your sub, it is more than ok to be confident and fearless in your natural persona. 

i hope that made sense on paper, because it did in my head.





MasterFireMaam -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 3:14:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie
... difficulties with seemingly mundane tasks as a child -- I was in fifth grade before I could tie my shoes or tell time despite the fact I've got an IQ of 145)...


Let me guess...you are dyslexic, yes?

Master Fire



TNstepsout -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 5:20:59 AM)

Yes I can also relate. I have always been somewhat shy and awkward in social settings. As an only child, I guess I just didn't understand "socializing". It's gotten much better over the years, but there is still a lot of work to do. It's probably one of the reasons I kind of coast in and out of involvement with "Lifestyle" activities. Sometimes the socializing aspect just gets too stressful for me and I have to hibernate awhile. I think it's actually one of the reasons I like the Dominant role, because I can order and control my surroundings much better so that I feel comfortable.



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 10:07:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
Let me guess...you are dyslexic, yes?



Surprisingly, nope.  I have a couple of family members who are, but I managed to escape that one myself.



mellian -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 11:35:55 AM)

I know I can appear shy and timid in certain situations and aspects of my life, not just between bdsm and the rest. Of course, I appear less shy and timid these days in comparison to before, but I tend to be still pretty quiet in new social environments and when meeting new people until an interesting topic comes up that I can actually participate in. 



bittermoonlight -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 6:47:56 PM)

I've never really been shy per se, but I can be quiet. I also tend not to strut around shoving a crop down people's throats or whatever. I think that what feels right to you, probably is right to you - at least in regards to how you identify yourself. One of the most dominant people I've ever met is shockingly shy and socially inept - I'm certainly not a socialite either! In the end, don't worry about it as long as you're able to express that part of yourself. Seems healthy. (Says the barista who is now awfully curious about the girls who fumble their credit cards, cash, and pens. Bwahaha.) Really it's the barista bit that made me want to reply.



AFlyInYourWeb -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 7:18:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

It seems like a paradox.  I've been told before that I can't be a Domme and completely fail at social interactions like I do.  Yet... I am.

Is this a common thing?  Or am I the only "weird girl" out there?



I'm not sure it is a paradox.

I think that each of us comes to enjoy D/s because it allows us to release our secret selves, the self not seen by others in the everyday world.

I was a rather shy, bookwormish guy in college.  I had my first submissive experience in college, and submitting to my first Domina gave me a great deal of self-confidence.  That self-confidence "bled over" into my everyday persona, and in the years after, I became a partner in a car dealership, and ran for political office.

Ironic, isn't it?  Who could have predicted that outcome?

Each of us is an individual with different facets, like the little gems we are.  I don't think of my outgoing exterior in everyday life contradicts my rather quiet submissive facet in certain private situations.  I think they compliment and balance each other rather nicely.



atursvcMaam -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 8:23:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

It's been argued before that personality (submissive or dominant) does not necessarily dictate the role a person takes in a D/s relationship, and vice versa.  I subscribe to this theory, citing examples of CEO's in high-powered jobs that find a need to just step away and "release" themselves from their role during the workday.  So then does it not make sense that someone who may come across as timid or shy in their daily life may truly come alive in their "second life" as a Domme?

I get a lot of flak for being socially inept.  I chose the death industry for my career path primarily because I find dead people a lot less threatening/annoying than living ones.  I hate parties because they're too loud and there are too many people.  Phone conversations, except with a select few people, make me extremely uncomfortable.  I can't make eye contact with the barista taking my coffee order and just paying for the damn thing I'll probably drop my card about a hundred times because my hands are shaking so bad from nervousness.  When I was still doing burlesque I used to knock back a few shots before each performance to help me loosen up and smile rather than run screaming backstage because of all the people out there.

And yet at the end of the day, when I come home to my darling boy... all of that melts away, and suddenly I am strong, confident, sexy... fearless.  I can stare him in the eyes for hours.  The sounds of his screams and moans can't be loud enough.  I want the neighbors to hear him.  I want them to come running and see what I'm doing to him, and what he's doing for me.

It seems like a paradox.  I've been told before that I can't be a Domme and completely fail at social interactions like I do.  Yet... I am.

Is this a common thing?  Or am I the only "weird girl" out there?



After having read all of this i started wondering if i should become a Dom.  in my humble opinion, the contradictions which You list are a great part of the people that i have met and spoken to on this site.  it adds to the learning process.



undergroundsea -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 9:54:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AFlyInYourWeb
and ran for political office.


I am afraid I have had one too many beers and at one too many fetish balls to hold any such aspirations ;-)

Cheers,

Sea



MisPandora -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 11:07:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Yeah, you're weird...but so am I, so we now have enough members to form our own little club! Go us!

When I'm entering a group of people that I don't know and I don't have a reason to be there that puts me in control of the room, such as teaching, I am often quiet and withdrawn. I watched people and interact slowly. Some of this is learned behavior and some of this is part of my shielding technique. I am picky about who I let in. Once I get to know some of them and get a sense about who they are, I'll choose to stay and be myself or leave the group, unless I have to stay, in which case I usually just remain quiet.

Master Fire


I'm right there with M. Fire.  At leather events, either I'm teaching, or I'm perched in a dark corner people watching or stalking my prey....



MissHarlet -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/24/2008 11:24:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Yeah, you're weird...but so am I, so we now have enough members to form our own little club! Go us!

When I'm entering a group of people that I don't know and I don't have a reason to be there that puts me in control of the room, such as teaching, I am often quiet and withdrawn. I watched people and interact slowly. Some of this is learned behavior and some of this is part of my shielding technique. I am picky about who I let in. Once I get to know some of them and get a sense about who they are, I'll choose to stay and be myself or leave the group, unless I have to stay, in which case I usually just remain quiet.

Master Fire



I am much the same way ... and truthfully I am shy ( tho most would never believe that).. .but once I know and feel comfortable with you .. I can talk your arm off if I CHOOSE to...... I have not need or desire to play the ROLE of being the  room controling Dominant just because ... I tend to watch and decide if I want to open up or not ....



MasterFireMaam -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/25/2008 1:41:49 AM)

I'm surprised. Dyslexia is about more that just getting letter and numbers backwards. That you had such a difficult time learning to tie shoes (as I did), is an indicator that you might be. Dyslexia is also about getting a sequence of steps out of order, difficultly with direction (N E S W) and left/right. It's also about reading comprehension and, sometimes, social skills.

http://www.medicinenet.com/dyslexia/article.htm

In the end, most of life just requires practice.

Master Fire





DesFIP -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/25/2008 5:43:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

I'm familiar with Asperger's but oh-so-hesitant to really label myself as such to avoid becoming one of those "intarnet Asperger's sufferers"

Don't know if they were aware of Asperger's when I was a wee one, so I can't tell you for sure if I was ever tested for it.  It is somewhat frightening, though, how many of the symptoms I've had my entire life are on that list (extreme sensitivity to certain light, sounds, textures, and tastes, slow to mature emotionally, difficulties with seemingly mundane tasks as a child -- I was in fifth grade before I could tie my shoes or tell time despite the fact I've got an IQ of 145)... and more disturbing, how many of them fit other relatives of mine who also have high IQ's.  My uncle is the poster child for high-functioning autism.  I wonder if there's an established genetic component.



You sound like a duplicate of my nephew, not quite Asperger's but high functioning autism. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for several years has given him great social skills. And yes, mood disorders have a strong genetic component.



GiantSteps -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/25/2008 6:47:59 AM)

Fascinating. And extremely gratifying.

It's almost like discovering a whole new level of kink-within-a-kink; I suffer from what I call social claustrophobia as well..I don't know if you could call it shyness or simply a hard-wired reserve, but it's the major reason I've listed munches as a dislike - a group gets over ten people, and I start to shut down. Due to certain professional requirements, I've learned to adapt a persona through which I can appear sociable in large group situations, but the guy they're seeing is essentially a kabuki mask. Master Fire is just about spot on with the reality of my situation.

It may simply be a rationalization, but I've always found large group situations untenable because there's such a multiplicity of false responses that accurately analyzing the situation becomes impossible. You hit a certain group capacity and suddenly you're through the looking glass and even the people you know are no longer acting like the people you know.- they've slipped into that vox populi mode that wipes off after the event.

Aspergers? maybe. Maybe just no patience with social duplicity and meaningless smalltalk.Either way, it's nice to know I'm not quite the Martian I've been feeling like.



LaTigresse -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/25/2008 7:38:38 AM)

While I am different, I can empathise with your plight.

On the whole, I dislike most people. I just haven't the patience for them. I was shy as a child but outgrew that in my twenties.

Now, I detest public speaking and will just simply refuse to do it. However at a party, if I am in the mooooood, I can work the room like no bodies business. If I am not in the mood.....I will be the one sitting off in a corner people watching. Usually finding one or two of interest and focus on them. Sometimes I end up with a smaller gathering joining me, other times there will be a few that check in now and then, bringing me a fresh drink, making sure I am doing fine, etc.

I've been known to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and just keep walking, assuming I will not even be missed. Yes, I can be rude and unsociable at times. Other times very warm and outgoing. Just depends on my mood, and the others involved.



LondonOnMistress -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/25/2008 8:55:43 AM)

I'm delighted to read that others experience life similarly.  I dislike talking and interacting with anyone, beginning from when I was a child and continuing now even now.  Curiously, I, too, have looked into aspergers but have been left with a social anxiety disorder label. 
I've met many a submissive who disliked my extreme shyness, and a few that blessedly were quite understanding.  Even when I'm in my element, and quite comfortable with my submissive, I rarely ever speak aside from very direct and brief instructions.  Seems my quietness makes many people very uncomfortable. 
My current partner and I have spent some serious time trying to work out the kinks of my personality.  We talk more than I used to, but he can read my expression more often than not, leaving words completely unrequired.  When I talk, especially when at play - he jumps. 



AFlyInYourWeb -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/25/2008 12:45:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: AFlyInYourWeb
and ran for political office.


I am afraid I have had one too many beers and at one too many fetish balls to hold any such aspirations ;-)

Sea


Sea, you're just in the wrong state.  Here in New York, you'd qualify to run for governor...if you'd just get a bit more kinky!!  [sm=ofcourse.gif]



Sylverdawn -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/25/2008 1:05:10 PM)

Interesting.. Ive been diagonoised with ADD.. part of which they told me was the inability to read social clues which make socializing and developing social attachments difficult. I took Ritlan for it for some time. I was not diagnosed till I was in my 20's.  So I am socially shy .. but not shy personally. I have a strong voice and strong personality. But in social situation I am wary because I dont want to misstep.. Especially at leather events where protocal is so important. I have been told I am cool, haughty, reserved, snobbish and standoffish... all good things in that ultimate Domme fantasy the boys have. Yet, I see myself as warm, friendly open honest person..and people often are dismayed when they get to know me. Its a difficult thing to be so prickly in social situations. I am sort of feeling supported that I am not the only person in who suffers from this and oddly comforted by that fact.
SD



CoasttoCoast -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/25/2008 7:56:11 PM)

The majority of dom's i've met all seem to be quite socially awkward. It's adorable.



Anamatria -> RE: The musings of a socially inept Domme (3/25/2008 10:12:19 PM)

Although I don't have much personal experience in this arena, this was an interesting post and posed a good topic to ponder.

Thanks for posting!





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