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BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Passive-Agressive behavior books (3/24/2008 9:38:27 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Owner,
Thanks for an open and honest post, something that I cherish CM for, it is one of the few places one sees such vulnerability.
As for being passive aggressive, I guess somebody has to have faults!
All kidding aside, that used to my pattern to a T combined with a dash of emotional abuse and it at times worked for controlling a partner and getting them to do what I wanted. Till they got sick of it and blew up at me or I blew up at them or we blew up at each other or we broke up or she left or I left or whatever other stupid ass shit we did.
As someone mentioned, clarity is the key. Being clear about what you want, how you want it, and when you want it and then allowing your partner to do the same in return then, like adults, discussing the best way to balance all of that. No guessing, no wondering, no hidden agendas, and blessedly, no bullshit.
It sounds easy and but it isn't till you get it. Took me about six months with a kick as therapist and a wonderful partner. I wasn't cured but I was fundamentally different after that. Before, I could ask for anal sex but I couldn't ask to get held or for affection. So I would hint, hope, or in some other passive way, try and get my needs met all the while frustration and resentment building till I blew up.
One of the things I am teaching BSB is about being vulnerable with each other. Allowing us to tell each other the sort of things that are hard to tell each other. She is doing a fine job and even teaching me a few things. That ability to know the other will hear what we have to say and keep us safe emotionally is just fucking magic, it is as close to bliss as I have yet experienced.
Good luck, as for books, I don't know of any. For me it was finding the RIGHT therapist, one who's style resonated with me and allowed me to be comfortable with him.
About 12 or so years ago, stuck in a marriage to someone I didn't love (and didn't even really like), I intentionally caused myself to become addicted to xanax in an effort to try and get my husband to leave me. I made us both even more unhappy than we had been previously, but he didn't leave.
I did this all because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him I didn't want to be married to him. Because I didn't have the guts to be blunt and honest with him.
To be fair, neither of us have been good at being able to hear difficult statements from the other without becoming defensive and resentful and to this day we still have a very passive-aggressive type relationship with each other. (Our divorce will be final in a few months).
Today, there are things about myself that I share with Michael that I have never, (and I mean NEVER) had the guts to share with anyone else. I am not talking about dark sexual fantasies or the like. I mean things about the inner workings of my mind that I have always been ashamed of. Bad, mean, ugly things that I have done in past relationships. Admissions of manipulations and incredibly passive-aggresive actions towards those in my life, whether family, friend, or partner. I share these things with him because He has created a safe place for me, emotionally, to be able to tell him. He doesn't judge or tell me, "you should have done this or why didn't you do that?" He listens. We talk. He makes it safe for me.
I can tell him...Wait, scratch that... He has ordered me to tell him, at any given moment, when something he has said or done has bothered me or hurt me emotionally in some way (very few and far between mind you). He has also ordered me to tell him when something is really important to me. But I am to tell him AT THAT MOMENT. I am not allowed to push the feelings down.
I said to Him, "But what if you are continuing to do something that really upsets me or ignoring something that I have told you is really, really important to me and I have to tell you over and over again. I don't want to feel like a nag. What do I do then"
"You re-evaluate the relationship."
Well, that statement hit me like a ton of bricks. It couldn't be that simple, could it?
YEP.
In each and every instance of having to confront Michael with something I found unpleasant, I found not defensiveness or excuses but understanding and love.
Every time I have had to admit to Michael something I had done even if it was something I knew would make him angry, there is understanding. There is still discussion and consequences, but from a rational and loving place. I don't have to resort to passive aggressive behavior to get my needs met. Today I can simply say, "Michael, can we talk about something that's important to me?" Without fail, no matter where he is or what he is doing... at that moment I have His 100% undivided attention.
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