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Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:32:11 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I am.....just like some of you said. I am this time fucking up really badly.
I don't know where to draw the line. I don't know where the line is. I don't even know that the line exists. Somewhere there's a line between emotional masochism and just down right self harm.
I know where the line is for others. Dear god I am so good with others, so good at getting everybody else through. It's just unbalanced what I just did.
To put myself in a position where I thought I was going to get some LOVE back.

I asked to stay. He wouldn't let me. He said: you are owned by an act of free will. But he made me leave anyway. I feel humiliated: like how can I be a slave if I don't have a master? I have thoughts running through my head like who will have me?

I thought if only he needs me. Then I thought if only he wants me. But it's all come tumbling down again and he doesn't do either.
Before he made me leave he said: come here and tell me you adore me and that you are lucky to have me. And I actually did it, with tenderness and with my heart, whispering it in his ear. But in that moment i had alreayd walked free.
And then I stood there looking as demure as I could muster and he smiled and said I suppose I am going to get the drama now. But I just went quietly out.

Fucking up again big time. I don't want sympathy. I don't want flaming. I I don't need to be told how fucked up I am. I don't know what I need right now except to post here so that for anyone who has felt this they know they aren't the only ones.
Slave mindset: damn how I wish I could have any other.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

Post #: 1

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:38:12 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

I am sorry about this, but its totally understandable, if you put yourself that much into someone else you will do anything to make it work and trick yourself into believing it will make a differance, I have done it a million times, I would rather be hated and screamed at than have to face the reality of being alone, I will distort in my head that the relationship is good. And like you I can spot it a million miles away with anyone but myself, adn if anyone tells me that I should leave I wont listen because in my head I am making it better, things will get better, if you put that much into it they have to right? Anytime that I convince myself I should leave I talk myself out of it and if I suggest it its purely with the hope that they will disagree.

Thing is you also know deep down (where you cant get at it right now) that it was bad for you, that as you say you were self harming, I know you think that was your chance and you believe that it was the best you can get, and fuck me you wont beleive if anyone says that you will find someone else or that you deserve better, but you know if it was anyone other than you feeling it thats just what you would be telling them.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 2

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:38:38 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Did he release you? I'm confused.

As far as how can you be a slave without a master... you are not serious are you? You might as well ask how you can be heterosexual if you're not getting laid.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 3

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:40:25 PM

domahpet

Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline

ive known this feeling, ill ride the bus with you.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

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Zeedaddys
~DJ domahpet~
*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

*crystal*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLI12uN6k5k

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 4

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:45:34 PM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

Yeah, i'm confused too, what happened exactly? You're wrong in one respect, Master or none you ARE still a slave, that hasn't changed in the least....

hugs and mushy stuff,

Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 5

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:52:02 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Thing is you also know deep down (where you cant get at it right now) that it was bad for you, that as you say you were self harming, I know you think that was your chance and you believe that it was the best you can get, and fuck me you wont beleive if anyone says that you will find someone else or that you deserve better, but you know if it was anyone other than you feeling it thats just what you would be telling them.

Thanks. I mean it. Thank you for saying yes you have felt this. I do feel like spoilt. Second hand. I feel like dirt actually.
Stupid. I was having the most amazing rushes you know of sheer delight thinking he wanted me.
For fuck sake does it get any better or any more just so fucking confused as this.
Yes deep deep down where I buried it I knew he was fucking me over. but I kept believing I was worth it.
Maybe i am worth more. Worth better? I don't evene know what worth is worth anymore. If I get owned and he says I have no rights and then I want some. Like the right to feel worthy!!
I have GOT TO get some of this psychology of this shit sorted right out right now here.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 6

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:54:22 PM

mastervalentine

Posts: 157
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

Who you are, your value as a person... your value as a slave... does not depend on who your master is. It exists, regardless of time, location or circumstance. You are who you are, and you need first to never forget that. Your worth has not changed. Give yourself some time, some time to calm, and center. And then, give yourself another chance. Find the right master, at the right time. Have faith in yourself, and most importantly, be true to yourself.

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 7

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:54:55 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Did he release you? I'm confused.

As far as how can you be a slave without a master... you are not serious are you? You might as well ask how you can be heterosexual if you're not getting laid.

Cali

You know something? If I wasn't being so needy and self centred right now this:
~You might as well ask how you can be heterosexual if you're not getting laid.~ that you just said is really THE BEST quote ever. Where the hell did you find that gem from. Thank you.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 8

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:57:02 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I made it up on the spot.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 9

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 3:57:39 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

God I so know what you are saying, you think so little of yourself that the smallest gesture makes you feel on top of the world and you trick yourself into think its all worth it, those split seconds of feeling fantastic for the rest of the time feeling like nothing.

Its terrible that you feel like this, and its not going to go away over night, when you give yourself to someone you feel you loose yourself totally when they are no longer there, but yes you are worth something of course you are, you need to learn to respect what you do have which is so easy for me to say and so very very difficult to actually do

< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/23/2008 3:58:38 PM >

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 10

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:02:18 PM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I've been doing some of my own fucking up this weekend, so I understand your dilemma.

I was collared last Thursday and so pleased. I email my new Master and ask Him how it makes Him feel, and instead of responding He tells me that March Madness basketball is running for the next four days and not to contact Him in any way unless He contacts me first. One of the last things that He wrote to me before I was collared is that if our journey was to end that He would give me away to another. Another Master contacted me on Friday, saying that my Master had asked him to, and as the conversation moved on he started talking about when the two of us would live together. I was horrified at the thought that I couldn't even enjoy 24 hours and was already in fear of being given away.

I kept the no contact rule except that I put as my message line on Yahoo "I thought you were supposed to keep the wolves away, not lead them to me." Now He feels hugely insulted.

He is not especially good at sharing his emotions with me. I knew that he had told me that he adored me, and wrote to me once over the weekend that the other Master would never touch me, but I was so caught up with low self esteem and feeling abandoned that I overreacted. Whenever He speaks of my belonging to Him it goes hand in hand with me obeying - never any obligation on His part. It finally hit me that He keeps His obligation unspoken. He sees Himself as my protector, guide, and the One that adores me. Because I had been told so many times that it is my job to obey (which I do readily and with a good attitude) I could no longer see His side. When He wrote to me to ask if I had already forgotten that I belong to Him, only then did the unspoken come back to me. It is His command that I feel the need for him 24/7, and it felt like psychological torture not to be able to reach out to Him.

Yes, it's a difficult road sometimes. Sometimes it is like a wonderful dream come true, others like a nightmare. In my case I was told to choose my punishment so at least I know that the relationship is not over and I was not told to remove the collar. I hope that in your case either the relationship will mend or you will find someone that you can truly live the dream with. In the meantime, as long as we are human, we WILL fuck up.

_____________________________

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 11

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:03:27 PM

mzbehavin

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline

*Riding the bus with Prin and domhapet* Hugs* This isnt quite the ideal field trip is it?
colouredin, very nice heartfelt post. Makes typing this so much faster as you said it so well. And cali, good point also~
Thank you for pointing out some valuable road signs MasterValentine.
Prin, keep on keepin on~
xoxo

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 12

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:07:29 PM

mastervalentine

Posts: 157
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

I ... am sorry I can do little else than point out the obvious and offer it as support and kindness...

quote:

ORIGINAL: mzbehavin

*Riding the bus with Prin and domhapet* Hugs* This isnt quite the ideal field trip is it?
colouredin, very nice heartfelt post. Makes typing this so much faster as you said it so well. And cali, good point also~
Thank you for pointing out some valuable road signs MasterValentine.
Prin, keep on keepin on~
xoxo

(in reply to mzbehavin)

Post #: 13

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:09:57 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

Yeah, i'm confused too, what happened exactly? You're wrong in one respect, Master or none you ARE still a slave, that hasn't changed in the least....

hugs and mushy stuff,

Phoenix

This is what happened on the outside:
He asked me to go over to his place and asked how long could I stay. He asked; can you stay until 6 ish? THEN as it was a public holiday the tube (metro) trains were fucked up. I was all snuggled up and I asked if I could stay. He just looked like I was well nuthin buta piece of furniture and said no.
It's messing with my head. It's like trying to do bdsm in a film set where there's some hidden audience somewhere. Like I know there's something going on I don't know about but the thing is it sounds paranoic.
He simply doesn't want what I want and totally believes that a slave, or rather me, can give up wanting anything. That's what he means I suppose by me giving up my rights.
Look I wanted it to work. I stuck around toolong believing it was. I always feel like I am having to teach him how to master me.
It's not even consensul anymore. It isn't. I just decided that so i know I freed myself.
I hate it this feeling I have.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)

Post #: 14

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:25:53 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

You know, You may recognize this but being a slave does not mean having no boundaries. When you have no boundaries or self respect those who took advantage of your lack of boundaries ends up being disgusted and looking down and seeing you as damaged. Its been said to you many times that you deserve better.Value yourself and others will too. You show people how to treat you every day with your boundaries or lack of them. You show the master how to treat you by continuing to put up with mental abuse.

I do understand and have empathy. We can help you through. Especially if you are looking for strength to leave an unhealthy relationship.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to mzbehavin)

Post #: 15

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:27:03 PM

bbwsubnnorcal

Posts: 104
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline

My brother is going for a horrific divorce right now. She is taking him for EVERYTHING and he is rolling over and shaking his paw.

I got so angry at him last weekend that I asked---

"What the hell happened in your childhood that makes you believe that you deserve this shit?! Why are you allowing this to happen?"

And you know what--- he couldn't answer me at first. But he went home and thought what I had said to him. He got a new lawyer on Tuesday and is already taking some control back.

The reason I am telling you is this---- what makes you believe you only deserve crumbs of affection? Consider what's happened to you as a lesson...a really, really BIG life leason. You now know what to look for and what NOT to look for.

And for Goddesses sake----DO NOT SETTLE! Do not settle until you get what you know you deserve.

A Master friend of mine were out having dinner last year and we were chatting about the philosophy of D_s and He told me something that has remained with me ever since.

He said, "There are 4 golden rules in BDSM, not 3--Safe, Sane, Consentual AND Consideration. Consideration for your submissive in all things. Do that and you will have their RESPECT as well as their submission."

Ask yourself next time---do I respect Him as a person as well as a Dom? It might save yourself some heartache later on.

I pass that gem on to you to contemplate and take with you on this journey called life.

Many Blessings and Good Luck

< Message edited by bbwsubnnorcal -- 3/23/2008 4:30:36 PM >

_____________________________

"i Have Nothing Against God, It's His Fanclub i Can't Stand!!!"

(in reply to mzbehavin)

Post #: 16

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:31:14 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Prin you've been given good advice about 5 cycles now- and each time you choose to ignore it, pretend things are happy for a few days and get condescending to the ones like me who warn you that this isn't over and you're just ignoring reality...only to have it all happen again.

I understand you keep using "emotional masochist" as some justification for your actions, and you must have some need to blast it all over the public walls and feel happy from that- but seriously, what do you think will be different this time around? Until you decide to actually listen to the advice, until you stop clinging to what you want to cling to, nothing will change.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to bbwsubnnorcal)

Post #: 17

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:32:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen
Yes, it's a difficult road sometimes. Sometimes it is like a wonderful dream come true, others like a nightmare. In my case I was told to choose my punishment so at least I know that the relationship is not over and I was not told to remove the collar. I hope that in your case either the relationship will mend or you will find someone that you can truly live the dream with. In the meantime, as long as we are human, we WILL fuck up.

Indeed, most of us create and happily choose to live in our own nightmares.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 18

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:32:32 PM

Justme696

Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

. I was all snuggled up and I asked if I could stay. He just looked like I was well nuthin buta piece of furniture and said no.
It's messing with my head.

IS He new in your life?
OR did this came as a supprise..his view on a slave?

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 19

RE: Fucking up really badly - 3/23/2008 4:39:30 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

. I was all snuggled up and I asked if I could stay. He just looked like I was well nuthin buta piece of furniture and said no.
It's messing with my head.

IS He new in your life?
OR did this came as a supprise..his view on a slave?

No he's not new in my life. It's the same bastard i keep running back to. It's different from inside the mindset to out of it. It looks crazy from outside the dynamic. He's new to being a master.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to Justme696)

Post #: 20

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