am i just fooling myself??

am i just fooling myself?? (Full Version)

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justnewsub -> am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:22:47 PM)
I have found the most wonderful Dom. He has taken me places I have never gone before. But..... Here's the story in a nut shell: We started playing and getting to know each other over a 2 week period, we were both really into each other and both had the same wants and desired in a relationship. Everything seemed to go swimmingly.... then.... The ex non BDSM non sub/slave girlfriend came back into his life. The one he left because he realized he needed a sub because he is a Dom (and some other issued).... I was ignored for 2 weeks... I felt horrible because I didn't know what was going on. He finally explained everything to me and I understand... he admits he screwed up and handled the situation very badly...but... would I like to join him and his now non-ex in a poly type household, because he still really wants me as his sub. His non-ex is open minded and has played kinky before, but wants him all to herself, however she also understands (begrudginly) that he needs/wants a sub in his life, me. We met for the first time and it went horribly... she was so angry at the situation. We tried playing together and it was so empty feeling... The only one who really enjoyed themself was the Dom. He apologized afterward saying he thought it would help matters if we played and see if we could all get along... I want so badly to be with him and am very open to trying to get along with his non-ex, but if she doesn't want to get along with me and will put up a hissy fit everytime what can i do.... i know i couldn't stay in a relationship like that (drama every time he wants to see me).... he thinks she will get over it in time... I feel I am fairly good at reading people i call it my sub sense... i don't think she will get over it... i think she will make him choose and i will be the odd person out... I feel so confused, frustrated, anxious, but at the same time hopful that things will work out so i can be with him.... I really just needed to vent, feel free to say what ever... i feel like i'm just fooling myself that things will work out and i will get to stay with this Dom.... however i'm terrified in the end.... i won't.... i do feel like a complete fool

Wildfleurs -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:24:56 PM)
Honestly, I'd just cut my losses now. I think its pretty obvious where his loyalties lie and its not with you. C~

mastervalentine -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:25:50 PM)
I'm sorry, but I feel... you shouldn't have to compete with someone else like that. You shouldn't have to share the attentions of someone who doesn't know what they want, with a person who doesn't want to accept you. I can't choose for you, but I honestly believe you should move on, before you are hurt any worse.

kanokano -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:27:29 PM)
something similar happened to me a few months ago, almost identical, but different sexes. my GF at the time started hanging out with an ex of 3 years, reobtained feelings for him, and left me. once she realized it was a mistake, wanted to get back. do what i did, say no, at least until he figures out exactly what he wants.

Arrrchibald -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:35:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: justnewsub I have found the most wonderful Dom. No you haven't. quote: ORIGINAL: justnewsub am i just fooling myself?? Yes you are.

MissHarlet -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:37:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arrrchibald quote: ORIGINAL: justnewsub I have found the most wonderful Dom. No you haven't. quote: ORIGINAL: justnewsub am i just fooling myself?? Yes you are. Read and repeat as often as needed!!!

justnewsub -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:38:45 PM)
I guess that is the hard part... he really wants me, but he also wants her... from what i understand when they decided to get back together it was with the understanding that he would need to have a sub in his life. I think she thought it would be on a "maintenance" kinda deal, where when he really needs an outlet then i'm there... But from what i understood from all our discussions i was going to become part of their lives... the 3rd person in.... She can't seem to handle it and kept blowing up when we all met... He thinks she is just really afraid that i will replace her... and she needs time to adjust... i think she is going to act out everytime we meet until he is forced to choose either her or me.... he claims he would choose me, but i have my doubts... maybe just a lack of self confidence... I got the impression from her that I am a passing phase, the impression from him is that he is in it for the long term, wants to make a relationship out of it...

Gemini1766 -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:42:32 PM)
He wants his cake and to be able to eat it, too. Unworkable. Pack your bags and say good bye. Tell him he can call you when he's done with her, for good. And to be quick about it as you will be looking for a new Dom, one that doesn't have such an issue to work through. [;)]

kanokano -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:44:39 PM)
he says he wants to choose you, and he tells the other girl he chooses her...take it from a guy that knows this game. leave him...find another dom...itll be easy,a nd hell be better

MissMenagerie -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:49:28 PM)
Well, here are your options: The Grandious Self-Respect: Tell Him that you are wonderful and SO MUST HE BE if He wants to keep getting what He's had from you. Pros: No more fretting. Do or Die, WILL be resolved. Cons: Might not be resolved the way you want. The Subversive Submissive: Use your wiles against another woman. Agree with everything He says, give Him everything He wants, and make the other woman sound awful. After enough stress, she will probably accidentally help you with that. Pros: You'll probably get what you want. Cons: You're going to drive a woman crazy, and have to help Him through some heartbreak. The Greyhound: Run like hell. Pros: No more problems. Cons: No more Him. So, take a long shower, think it over, and decide what's best.

MontrealPhoenix -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:50:34 PM)
Looks to me like he's got a sweet deal...the non-ex and you...if he can't or won't see that this isn't going to work, he must be blind. Cut your losses now..he isn't the only one out there, you deserve someone who isn't so selfish and selfabsorbed. It won't get better, whatever this non-ex says she doesn't want you there, she wants him all to herself. Phoenix

RumpusParable -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 5:51:45 PM)
All you ever needed to know is here: quote: but... would I like to join him and his now non-ex in a poly type household, because he still really wants me as his sub. His non-ex is open minded and has played kinky before, but wants him all to herself, You're an unwanted extra in a relationship he already has and puts first. This isn't ever going to work.

CarrieO -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 6:01:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gemini1766 He wants his cake and to be able to eat it, too. Unworkable. Pack your bags and say good bye. Tell him he can call you when he's done with her, for good. And to be quick about it as you will be looking for a new Dom, one that doesn't have such an issue to work through. [;)] I'm sorry you're going thru this, but it's a learning experience. Everyone has given excellent advice....re-read this entire thread and then do what you know it right.

Poetryinpain -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 6:04:23 PM)
You are new to the BDSM scene? Don't settle for the first Dom who catches your eye. And don't settle for anything in the relationship side of things that you wouldn't have settled for in a vanilla relationship. I'm presuming this would include having another woman hanging on his other arm. It sounds to me as though this Dom wants the best of both worlds - the vanilla girlfriend for whom he appears to have some feelings, and a sub on call for when he wants one. He may say he wants you to be happy with one another, but if he really knew women, he wouldn't expect that. The best that would happen is that his attention would be divided, and he would be unable to give to either of you the full breadth of a relationship. You really can do better. Perhaps it is as well that this happened so early in your relationship. Makes it easier to cut the ties.

OsideGirl -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 6:20:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: justnewsub I have found the most wonderful Dom. Wonderful how? His actions have put you in a position where you're miserable. She's obviously the one with the power and you get to be the piece of ass. quote: he thinks she will get over it in time And he's shown that he's such an expert of the female psyche so far....... Honestly, you'd be better just cutting your losses now. The Ex has the control of the relationship (which doesn't say much as a Dominant) and I'm willing to bet that you'll get nothing but heartache out of staying.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 6:26:12 PM)
The ex doesn't want to deal with it. She thought you would go away. She will never accept you and make your life miserable. He's hurt you and betrayed your trust. Now he isn't considering your feelings in this whole mess. This is just wrong on so many levels.

windchymes -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 6:32:46 PM)
Awww, the poor guy. Here he was, THIS close to having it all........[:'(]

hsagnev -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 6:32:51 PM)
Okay, this is just my opinion and I could be dead wrong on this advice, but my gut feeling is to abort altogether and make a clean break. I understand you have feelings and that it's hard, but don't hurt yourself more than is needed. I think he should have been a lot more decisive on this. This just isn't cool if you ask me. IMHO. David

hopelessfool -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 6:32:55 PM)
I agree with everything thats said so far. While Poly does work for some people... in some situations... Its usually a recipe for disaster, if all parties involved dont want it. I would look for a new Dom. I know its a hard choice, but you can do it, and when you do you can look for someone worth you. Who cares about your wants and needs and respects you. Not just what you give him when he wants it.

stella41b -> RE: am i just fooling myself?? (3/23/2008 6:33:11 PM)
Hang on.. you've found this Dom, right? Originally it was meant to be you and him right - as in Dom and female sub? And now he's taken his non submissive female girlfriend back and wants you both together, right? She's not happy with you in the relationship right? But he wants you, and you don't know what to do? Forgive me for asking, but if he's Dom but needs vanilla, then why can't you be sub and also his vanilla partner? This is actually the plot of one of my plays entitled 'Switch'. I'm not going to give away the ending, but I would ask the OP to stop and think about what she's getting herself into.

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