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AAkasha -> RE: Married to a vanilla lady (10/1/2005 12:04:28 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: enchantedleather
Hello:
i am a married submissive male who is married to a woman who after nine months of marriage told me that she doesn't like sex and she believes tha she is fridgid. i have known my wife for four years and have been married for about 1 and 1/2 and she has known from the start about my lifestyle and up until her anouncement, assured me that she was "into" the idea of having a submissive boyfriend/husband. She does participate every now and then but it's not very often and only if i make the suggestion. When i suggest divorce or separation she seems to "pour it on" with leather and the whole nine yards. We have been in councelling for six months but she still doesn't show any signs of change or interest of any sort. There are other issues but that's the primary one.
i am considering divorce but my question is, Is it the wrong thing to consider divorce when your spouse misled you from the start where her passion were or am I expecting too much from someone and hope that love will conquer all? i am so absolutely miserable i just don't know if there is any other choice at this point.
submissievely,
enchanedleather
First, you need to address the issues of her not liking sex. Did she like sex before marriage? If so, you need to find out if she's had a medical change, a hormonal change, a lifestyle change that's screwing with her mind and emotions --what's affecting her libido?
If you both are committed to trying to save the relationship, it might be that you need a compromise regarding the kink. The fact that she breaks out the full on leather and toys getup as a last resort when she feels she might lose you indicates her perception of what you want is the full nine yards. She may not be comfortable with the image of the domina, the stereotype of the dominatrix, the idea of gear and dress up and her being a bitch or controlling. A lot of "vanilla" women find the entire S&m thing to be a ridiculous joke. The idea that a man is turned on by it just floors a lot of women.
The trick is removing the stereotype and letting her see how erotic and exciting domination can be. No outfits, no toys, no ridiculous roleplaying. Just sensual control of her partner. It's less threatening, it's not as "silly" and it allows a woman to see that below the surface, power exchange is a really exciting way to play the role of the princess, the woman that captivates her man, the woman that feels incredibly empowered and sexy.
Even vanilla women *like* feeling empowered, sexy, commanding, desired. They like to know they are making a guy melt, they are making a man want her very badly, they are captivating.
My web site has some no-nonsense tips (designed for women) how to get past the leather and whips and chains and see power exchange for what it is-- a way to have a mindblowing connection with a submissive partner and find the fun and passion in it.
But what must exist in your relationship FIRST is a mutual desire to work things out. On *your* end it must include a willingness to put aside your expectations and desires and ideals and fantasies. On *her* end it must include the ability to throw away all her misconceptions about what "bdsm" is and start with a fresh new outlook.
If your sex life is in shambles and there are any trust issues (ie, if you are seeking partners on the side, sneaking around, trying to scratch the itch elsewhere) then it won't work. You both have to give 100% to try to work it out.
Akasha
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