non written rules for a play party

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AMADF -> non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 1:16:46 AM)
Ups, i want to share something very unconfortable that happend me last weekend. I currently organice a small bdsm community in my city from people who i know from a long time ago, so i thought it might be fun to invite some of this pals to my home to a play party, since it was my birthday and thought it might be the perfect opportunity to try my brand new dungeon at home :) So i invite the heaviest pals i know, and also the most trustable, since to be honest im very worried about the hole community (specially newbies) knowing my exact adress and the fact that theres a dungeon there. Also cause he have already planned very hard stuff for the party. So all went as planned until... one the girls i invited arrived with this tottally unknow people (a girl and a man) and just sit there in my living room. So i call her sepparately and ask her who they were and she told me "she is a curious and he is a slave". Honestly i got mad and told her that this was a play party and i cannot force any newby to play just because they were already there, and that was NOT a party for curios or newbyes, that she should ask me if they could bring it, first cause this was my private home, and second because we were planning a lot of heavy stuff and that i wanted to keep privacy of the members. I asked "if you or your boyfriend were the one that was were to be nacked or dressed up ur put 34 clamps in his balls or have some scrotal infiltration would you like to know infront of who you were doing that?". So i advice her that they could stay for a while, but as soon as we start playing they have to leave. I think she got mad cause 5 minutes later they left all of them. I know this girl, shes nice and everything but to be honest shes kind of newby and pretty young (24). She comes with a different newby each week, have millions of cyber slaves in all parts of the world and to be honest never seen her playing, allways making proposals to fuck or play to everybody, so in my point of view those parthners of her are not like trustable, stable parthners, well know people, or people that i would invite to my own home to play. Besides that, there was no relation between them: i mean she was not the mistress of any of them. After that write her a mail saying that i was very sorry about the party but that that was a a private play party, not newbies of curious and then she answers me back that the female girl she had been talking with her and she was now her slave and that the male was also now her slave, and that those two were ready to play in the party. So i answer back that in that moment i ask her and she said that she was a curious and him a slave, but not at any point told me were their slaves or ask me if he coud bring them, since this is my private adress. So all this story makes me think about the non written rules for a play party in a house. When you invite somene , can you prevent it from bringing new people?. I mean in this case i trust her, but not her subs. But i think its pretty rude not to let them come inside if its true they are her subs, but on the other hand shes pretty inestable with parnthners and really dont want that each of his one week slaves know my adress. Im i wrong? In my times you should ASK before bringing someone in a private play party, no? So each time make a party and invite a dom, should ask with whom are they comming? Since the party was a succes i might do others... but I dont know how to handle the fact that this party was for consolidated group of friends and the fact that one of them could have a new partnher (that might or not last) makes me crazy, cause then it means a lot of new people i dont personally know will enter my house and that really makes me nervous. Heeeeeeelp!! (Are there any others un written rules i shpuld know about play parties in houses?)

darchChylde -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 3:36:51 AM)
Easy, clearly state on invites (or however you get the info out) "THIS IS A PRIVATE FUNCTION: NO GUESTS WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL". This is less about ettiquette at a play party than at any type of function at someone's house. You just don't go to someone's house with someone they don't know or expect without a heads up.

MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 4:45:30 AM)
It sounds like you didn't much like this person in the first place, so I'm curious why you'd invite her into your home. I think you just have to specify on the invitation that if they'd like to bring a guest, they must clear it with you first. While I personally wouldn't show up at a vanilla or kink party with an uninvited guest without clearing it through the host first, I have seen a lot of clueless behavior from people in the scene over the years. You have to spell it out for them, and it doesn't hurt to have a set of house rules spelled out either.

Sylverdawn -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 5:31:27 AM)
House party protocol.. NEVER BRING ANYONE YOU HAVENT CLEARED WITH THE HOST PRIOR TO THE EVENT ... thats pretty standard practice.. and I believe thats common even if its just a vanilla event..

LadyPact -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 5:57:14 AM)
I'm in full agreement with the others. Where I happen to live, there are no public BDSM clubs in the city. (No kidding. There's actually even a law here that prevents shops from even selling toys that are sexual in nature.) That means that every play party in town is literally at someone's house. Our little group literally has various steps that a person has to go through to attend any demo or play party that is held at a private home. If a person wants to bring a guest, they not only have to vouch for them, but they have to go through the measures of giving the host of whatever is going on an opportunity to meet and talk with them before the event. It's not to discourage new people. It's to keep a handle on allowing people to maintain the privacy of their homes.

Madame4a -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 8:07:42 AM)
Sounds like bad manners -- you've been given several ideas about how to handle it, I'd also suggest never inviting that person again; and being even more careful about who you do invite.

Leatherist -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 8:11:58 AM)
I'm pretty strict on party protocol. Who I invite is who shows up-period. Anyone not on the list would never have gotten past the door-and I make that quite clear in advance. As far as this girl being pissy-she's playing games with you,let her know that it's not gonna fly.

Pyrrsefanie -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 10:04:52 AM)
Protocol for bringing guests is the same at play parties as it is for a plain ol' vanilla dinner party -- if the host does not specifically say "bring a friend," you do not bring a friend. When in doubt, ask the host if it's all right to bring a date, but be prepared if he/she says no. I think you were completely in the right here by asking them to leave when play started. Judging by this girl's attitude I wouldn't invite her to any more functions, either.

MsIncontrol -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 1:03:11 PM)
I' with Leatherist on this one. She wouldn't have made it past the door! This isn't an open house frat party...it is someone's home and a private event. You should buy her Miss Manners. This isn't just a scene faux pas but basic knowledge every person should have. Other rules should be: - Never touch another person without explicit permission. - Never approach or talk to people while in the middle of a scene (this happens to me all the time and it sooo pisses me off.) - Respect the property - Who and What happens at the party...STAYS at the party There are a ton more..I am just drawing a blank.

madshysoul -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 3:03:15 PM)
picks her jaw up off the floor This scenario displays a shocking level of immaturity, lack of foresight and just plain ol' rudeness. Even with kink -entirely- out of the picture, I'd be ticked if someone gave a random stranger my home address. I have no idea who these people are...why would I want them in my home? You have every right to refuse entrance, and every right to bounce her right out on her prissy little ass. Newbie or not, that's just basic manners. Quite frankly, it wouldn't matter to me if they were her slaves, she still had the standard obligation to clear it with you first (if for no other reason than to let someone who is presumably feeding people that there will be two extra mouths to deal with).

AMADF -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 4:12:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood It sounds like you didn't much like this person in the first place, so I'm curious why you'd invite her into your home. You make me smile MsSonnetMarwood, in fact your kind of right.. i dont really like this girls behaviour. I not consider her a stable rleationship person, but more like the kind of girl shes looking for anyone to play with. I disagree in this cause i think a real bdsm relationship takes time, commitment and a deep comunication that cannto be possible when you are in sutch a hurry. But in the other hand i remember being in that position a long time ago. I mean when i started i was so eager to play that make alot of stupid moves. In those times i respond to all mesasages (even the ones that come from other countryes ans swear they will relocate for the right one) and even they were not solid relations, really beleave that i should look under the stones, cause the that the next candidate was "the one" . Taked some times and some scars to realice that this was not the best way to go. This is something i know now... but taked a time. Eventhoug i dont like her way of realtion with other i respect it... i mean this idea of a solid 24-7 realtion worked for me, but maybe is not the gola for others. As i say i organice a small community in my city in a public cultural center that meets each 2 weeks, and she always go ther and support all our activities and shes very participative, so i decide to invite her, so she eventually comes part of the group. Whay i didnt foresight was the she will bring home not only one but TWO of this one week slaves :(

AMADF -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 4:29:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist As far as this girl being pissy-she's playing games with you,let her know that it's not gonna fly. About that i think youre right. I found very strange that when in the party asked who they were she said " a curious and a slave" ans later on, two days later in the mail she said "they were both my slaves and i dont know what you were talking about since they were ready to play in the party. He had previous orders of being on thong all night". I answer back saying that in the party she presented them as curious and subs and not as their slaves. I said "congratulations for your new slaves, but still want you to know that i want to keep the adress of my home a private manner"

RumpusParable -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 4:36:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AMADF Im i wrong? In my times you should ASK before bringing someone in a private play party, no? Honestly, this has ZERO to do with BDSM or play parties. ANY time a party of any sort (bdsm, dinner, birthday, baby shower, funeral, whatever) is private, it is bad manners to bring someone uninvited. If wanting to bring someone not on the guest list (whether it's a formal written one or a loose spoken one) a person is to discuss it with the host(s) and gain approval. Make sure that everyone understands, for sure, next time that this is a private, invite-only party. Then if anyone brings extra people there's no question whatsoever that they don't get passed the door if you don't feel like it. If you expressed it as a casual-inclusion party when you spoke to your friends, it may have been a misunderstanding. If you were very clear about it being a private get-together, then she simply displayed bad manners regardless of the party type.

AMADF -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 5:21:27 PM)
I cannot tell you how gratefull i am for your words of all of you ...actually the kiking out moment, made me feel like sheet and honestly i was a bit depressed about it. Is the first time i do a play party at my home and never thought about the idea of putting in the invitation that you cant show up with no one i dont know. The worst part is that i was very confused and kind of feeling guilt about it, since she actually NEVER apologize but only said "i knew this people from before"... so beleave it or not i was starting to think i was wrong. All members in the party agree that she shouldt bring them just like that, but i needed to share this, cause before i ask to other ones if they feel unconcortable with these starngers, i actually felt unconfortable with them kick them out , so i kind of responsable for the incident. Thanks a lot cause i really want this to work out, since actually in my city theres no bdsm local to do any party. We had one some time ago from another group, but unfurnunately they close the local cause the owner change his business to clothes and left the bar business :S With all this ideas i can start now a serie of play parties at home in a way that we protect ecah other and my house from strangers to come by and watch the show. Im so releaf after reading you all... thanks :D

undergroundsea -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/26/2008 7:11:37 PM)
Some parties are by-invitation-only parties while others are the-more-the-merrier parties. In the younger crowd, the latter types are common in the general social scene. Our local scene has parties where you can bring guests as long as you are responsible for their behavior. These parties, however, are not private parties but parties for the meeting of a BDSM group. For more private parties, it is reasonable to expect that the invitation not be extended to others without prior permission. I agree with others that it is a good idea to explicitly say so on the invitation. The only point I will add--without specifically directing it at the situation under discussion--is that one might first give the person in question the benefit of doubt for having made an honest mistake (thought it would be acceptable to bring guests based on experience at other parties, or based on their philosophy about hosting parties) and tactfully convey how one feels. Cheers, Sea

MisPandora -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/27/2008 2:38:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood It sounds like you didn't much like this person in the first place, so I'm curious why you'd invite her into your home. I think you just have to specify on the invitation that if they'd like to bring a guest, they must clear it with you first. While I personally wouldn't show up at a vanilla or kink party with an uninvited guest without clearing it through the host first, I have seen a lot of clueless behavior from people in the scene over the years. You have to spell it out for them, and it doesn't hurt to have a set of house rules spelled out either. That's what I'm saying. If you don't know not to invite people you don't know or don't like to a private function in your home, and don't know standard rules to have in place for a play party......well then maybe, just maybe, you're not ready to host a play party. Most certainly, not one full of "heavy players." How are you possibly going to DM that?

AMADF -> RE: non written rules for a play party (3/27/2008 5:23:58 PM)
.[/quote] That's what I'm saying. If you don't know not to invite people you don't know or don't like to a private function in your home, and don't know standard rules to have in place for a play party......well then maybe, just maybe, you're not ready to host a play party. Most certainly, not one full of "heavy players." How are you possibly going to DM that? [/quote] Yes i think you were right in the fact that i didnt handle it correctly, mainly cause i thought this thing of "dont bring any unknow people" was kind of universal rule.. yes it seems that its not, at least not for younger people. I think that i have a lot of ideas to handle it better next time, and also be more clear from the beggining. i´d also learn that it might be a good idea to be more carefully in picking up my guests. Thanks

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